What a happy surprise to have my 86th episode of The Embrace Family Podcast go live on Christmas Day! An opportunity to wind down 2022 with some readings from recovery literature, a beneficial poem named ‘Letting Go,’ and musings from my weekly newsletter.
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See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:27
Welcome back, and who would have thought that my 86th episode of the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast would be on December 25 2022. But here we are. So, I thought I would take the liberty of doing a quick solo episode. In a way to honor the holiday knowing many of you may be celebrating and not getting to the podcast, which makes complete sense, but some of you may seek the podcast because the holidays are incredibly stressful, and you want a touchstone of some recovery nuggets to help you on your journey. So that’s what I thought I would do!
01:07
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:23
I want to open by reading the meditation from the Al-Anon text ‘Courage to Change’ for December 25.
In Al-Anon, we learn to think before we react to angry outbursts and drunken accusations, we learn to hold our tongues when tempted to interfere in something that is clearly none of our business, we learn the value of silence. But silence can be more cutting than cruel words when it is used to punish.
Deliberately ignoring someone’s attempts to communicate is no better than engaging in a battle of words. Rage that is expressed nonverbally through cold looks and slammed doors is still rage. When I seek to hurt someone else, with silence or any other weapon at my disposal, I always hurt myself.
If I have something I need to say. And then, as yet unable to say it in a constructive manner. Perhaps I can go to an Al-Anon meeting, or call my sponsor, and release some of the explosive feelings.
I will remember that my aim is to heal myself and my relationships. I will try to make choices that support this goal.
Today’s Reminder:
What message does my silence communicate? Today I will try to align my stillness of my tongue with stillness of spirit. If the silence has in it, even a trace of anger or hostility, it loses all its power. True quiet has the quality of serenity, acceptance, peace. ~ One Day at a Time in Al-Anon.
It’s always fascinating to me to read what is offered on significant days, I don’t know if you’re anything like me, maybe it’s the ego part of me. But when I get a new meditation book, I jumped to important days in my life, birthdays, children’s birthdays, marriage dates, recovery dates, for sure.
And so, I find it fascinating to look at holidays as well. And this has really nothing to do with Christmas for those who celebrate it.
But what I love about Al-Anon is literature. And I’ve heard this from so many people who’ve gone through Al-Anon programs or family programs where they’ve learned about recovery tools, is it this is just a fabulous way to live for anybody. But most of us don’t find it until we’re desperate enough to seek services for ourselves because we know we’re hurting and what’s been used by us is not making a difference, and we’re still hurting really badly.
I think the fact is that this concept of thinking requires slowing down, which is counterintuitive when we’ve been conditioned by the disease of addiction to be racing, and quick to answer, and quick to solve, and quick to fix. Other focused and always on edge waiting for the next shoe to drop. So, it’s really challenging to slow down. But if you think about it, what if I take one deep breath when I get asked a question, or I observe something I’m about to comment on.
And in that breath, consider breathing in, peace, acceptance, serenity, higher power’s guidance, and breathe out stress, fear, worry, control, and all the things that get in the way, for me anyway, of doing the healthiest thing for myself, and for those I love.
Silence as a weapon. I believe it can be, I believe it can be to receive it and to give it. I know when I have people around me not communicating with me. My monkey chatter goes wild. And I’m trying to figure out why. What did I do? What did I not do? What should I do? How do I engage them, and my own pressure internally to feel less anxious and more okay in my skin, pushes me to try and find a way for them to make me feel better by having things be okay. It’s hard to let go when I feel cut off. And I think that’s really interesting, because it’s a lot alike, enabling. When I’m practicing enabling behaviors, it’s because I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. And if I enable, and I can do something for someone else, when I feel so powerless, it gets me out of that feeling. Is not necessarily what’s best for the person I love. But it absolutely is selfish in that it drives me to do what is, I think, going to make me feel better not necessarily be the healthiest thing for the person I love.
Because of it being about letting go, I want to read something that just came across my social media that I copied, because I think it is so powerful, and I’d never seen it before. And I love those new nuggets I can get.
There’s a lot of resources out there. And I just hope you always keep an open mind to what might come your way.
So, this is a poem by an unknown author called ‘Letting Go’.
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else,
To let go is not to cut myself off is the realization that I can’t control another
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself
To let go is not to care for, but to care about
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive,
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies,
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept, to let go is not to nag, scold or argue. But instead, to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires. But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past. But to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Wow. Makes me teary reading it out loud. Reading it in my head sounds different than reading it out loud, which I find true of almost everything.
If anybody would like a copy of that, feel free to email me at
Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com
I’d be more than happy to get a copy to you. I know what moved me to read it. And let me tell you, I’m not good at all those. I can’t let go of all those things with ease. But what I am grateful to say on this day, at the end of the year, I’m able to let go of a lot more than I once was. And that is truly because of recovery, because of my community of fellows, because I’m not trying to do it alone, because I take direction, because I take suggestion. And I love that letting go is loving and accepting, not fixing and judging. Because I don’t like to be judged. And I don’t want to feel like I need to be fixed. Though I have issues to change. I always have growth to take. I’m willing. I don’t need someone else telling me that.
The place that I will take an exception to that is my sponsor. You know, I’ve asked people to sponsor me because I know that left my own thoughts and plans and devices I won’t engage in recovery. I need accountability, I need guidance, I need support. And it’s quite amazing to think about having someone at the other end of the phone at the same time every day, willing to listen, to share, to offer feedback. And that adjustment for me to learn to accept that gift was huge, because in the beginning, I was very reactive to my sponsor suggestions, despite asking them to be my sponsor.
Finally, one of them said, I’m not your parent, I’m not your principal, your teacher, I’m your sponsor, and you asked me to do this job. If you’re not comfortable with the feedback and suggestions I offer and you’re reacting to them. You might want to consider whether you’re willing, and whether I’m the right fit. That was a big wake up call for me that I needed because the reaction wasn’t about the sponsor. The reaction was about the shame voice in my head that I’ve had for so long that I was damaged goods, that I was not good enough, that I was to be strong and determined, and make my own destiny.
My higher power knows that my making my own destiny wasn’t going so well. And sadly, and gratefully, I had to hit a bottom to surrender to recovery, both in Al-Anon and with my food addiction.
So, from that point, I would love to share with you the reading from an Overeaters Anonymous meditation for December 25.
Thinking of eating is not overeating. We do not have to act on our feelings. The worst thing we can do is try to talk ourselves out of it. We can abstain no matter what.
~ A Plan of Eating page 8
My sponsor says, Stay out of your head. It’s a dangerous neighborhood. A comedian once said, Whenever I get into an argument with myself, I always lose.
If I listen to the voices in my head, they can rationalize me to a runaway relapse. Thinking just doesn’t work for me. What works for me is to get out of my head and into my heart with prayer, and an attitude of gratitude. What works for me is getting out of my head and into action, working the steps using these wonderful tools, a plan of eating, meeting, telephone, literature, sponsorship, writing, and service.
I can abstain no matter what. Thank you, OA.
This is a particularly interesting reading today. Because of course, when we look at holidays, excess is normal. Whether it be excessive drinking, eating, gaming, gambling. And I loved those days, because my behavior wasn’t noticed because everybody was doing it.
It’s incredible to me to think that I’ve been able to abstain through holidays, since 2005. That means eating normal portions, not eating sugar, unless it’s fifth or beyond an ingredient label. Not eating gluten or wheat. That amazes me. If you would have told the younger me that I could do this, I would have laughed at you. I cried so many times despairingly and not being able to control or have willpower. And people who see me now say, oh, you have so much control.
No, I don’t. I have a plan. I have accountability. I take direction. I surrender to the fact that I am a food addict. And one day at a time recovery is my job. If I want to not cause harm to the people I love, like I did when I was active in my addiction.
I think the other thing about this reading that was really telling was that I think if you took the Overeaters Anonymous part out of this, that first piece was about all of us, whether we’re an addict or a family member. Stay out of your head, it’s a dangerous neighborhood. Comedian said, whenever I get into an argument with myself, I always lose.
If I listen to the voice in my head, they can rationalize me to a runaway relapse. And relapse is a part of all of our journeys, whether we are the addict or whether we are the loved one.
When I relapse in my Al-Anon ways or my loved ones enabling, caretaking ways. It’s going back to fixing, managing, and controlling. It’s going back to not getting in touch with what’s going on with me but staying focused on someone else because I don’t like how I’m feeling so let me jump into fixing and caring for someone else.
That’s not service, that’s taking hostages, and there’s a very big difference. What I am truly aware of today and have to work diligently to stay aware of because my slippery disease mind, and monkey mind will tell me I don’t have to do it anymore is, when I’m alone in my head. My monkey or slick are so good at talking to me that it’s hard to discern the healthy me, recovery me voice versus that voice. And that’s why having people around me who get this, live this, understand this in any program that I need is vital because I will be in trouble if I try to battle monkey alone, or Slick the disease alone. I can’t, it will kick my butt every time.
15:32
This podcast is made possible by listeners like you.
Margaret 15:35
Thank you to all of those who’ve attended the first two complimentary Embrace Family Recovery Coaching Groups. If you miss the meetings, don’t worry, there’s still one more coming on January 4, where we will reflect on our struggles and victories through the holidays, there’s still time to join.
Anytime you want to get involved in this recovery community, we hope you will, you never have to do this alone. All you have to do is reach out for help wherever feels right for you.
And if this Recovery Coaching Group feels like a first step you’re willing to take, please enroll at the link provided in the show notes for this episode #86, where you can click on and register for January 4 730pm, eastern standard time where you can come with us on a conversation about self-care and how we navigated the holidays. Hope to see you then. The link to enroll in on Jan 4th!
16:37
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. Can you relate to what you’re hearing, never miss a show by hitting the subscribe button. Now back to the show.
Margaret 16:49
I know not everyone celebrates Christmas. And for those of you. I hope you enjoy your holiday weekend and time off.
For the rest of the community that does celebrate Christmas, I wish you a blessed, recovery filled Christmas. And even if there is relapse, be gracious with yourself. Give grace to you, and those you love, that this is a one day at a time program and use your tools.
There was a person in early recovery used to say no days off for the fatties. That may sound harsh to those of you who don’t go to meetings. To me, it warms my heart. Because if I want to stay in recovery, I have to remember, there are no days off. I did that dance 100,000 times where I would say, Monday I’ll start; after this weekend, I’ll be better. One more time and then I’ll change, never happened. And I don’t want to risk it again today. So, I’ll work on my program today on the holiday just like I do every other day of the year.
I’d like to close with just reading my holiday musings that I wrote in my newsletter. And I want to absolutely thank each and every one of you for choosing to tune in to listen to this podcast. For the wonderful calls, emails, messages I receive from people who find there to be value in these podcasts. And I look forward to the new year where we go into some really fun new interviews. I cannot wait we roll out January with a mum and son team, who will share their journey with us together and how they wrote a book from each perception. I love the book. And I am excited to introduce to you Madeleine Dean and Harry Cunnane in the book is ‘Under Our Roof.’ If you want to get it and read it before we roll it out in January you’ll have a head start. And it’ll be fun to hear them share about it after reading the book.
If not tune in to hear their story of experience, strength and hope as a mother fighting for her son’s recovery and how they came to write a book where one chapter is mom’s version of an incident. Another chapter is son’s version of an incident. I think it’s fabulous.
So here are the musings I wrote about in my newsletter. And for anyone who does not get my newsletter, I send it out weekly. If you wish it all you have to do is go on my website,
and sign up for the strategies which will ask for your name and email. And I don’t send out a lot, but I send out a weekly newsletter including quotes, things that are going on highlights thoughts, and this was on this week’s.
Thank you all for being such avid supporters of Embrace Family Recovery. Whether you are listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast or seeking my coaching, as my wonderful clients, I am grateful for you. I am blessed to witness and walk with my clients on their courageous journey.
Thank you to my referents who send clients my way, and to people who hire me to offer trainings for loved ones and professionals in the addiction field.
My wish for all this holiday season is radical self-care, the ability to offer grace to ourselves and our loved ones, while understanding this complex disease requires counterintuitive and challenging action.
I hope 2023 brings less stigma around the family disease of addiction and more people seeking support for themselves and their loved ones. The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast began with one download in February of 2021. And as of today, it has over 12,000 downloads.
My heart overflows with gratitude for my family support and taking the risk of building this business. And your support has enabled the growth and reach of the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Look at that one measurement of change your support has made. I am forever grateful. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate.
And let’s take care of ourselves this holiday season and begin 2023 with self-care for you.
Thank you for joining me for this special Christmas edition of Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. Kind of cool that it falls on Christmas morning. Hope you’re cozy, having hot chocolates, visiting with family, spending some time by yourself, not celebrating Christmas at all. Most importantly, acknowledging yourself and caring for you.
Next week, as I shared, we have a very exciting podcast kicking off the new year with two wonderful people, Madeleine Dean, and Harry Cunnane, who wrote ‘Under Our Roof, a masterful book about their experience, strength and hope and navigating the disease of addiction. The brilliance of writing it in the way they did where one chapter is mom’s writing. And one chapter is son’s writing. They even use different fonts. It’s so worth the read. I think you’ll get some wonderful tidbits, tools, strategies, but also feel less alone reading this book. They’ve also written a children’s book called ‘You Are Always Loved’, which is a beautiful book for children, a cool experience for kids.
I’m all about books for children to start communicating about feelings and experiences and life, and not to leave them trying to figure things out by themselves. So come back next week and get a chance to meet Mad and Harry. You won’t want to miss this.
Outro: I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website.
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
