Randy Grimes, who played center for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, takes us further into his powerful story of “addiction, recovery, and redemption.”
I know there are a lot of schools of thought about “bottoms” within the disease of addiction. You will hear how far someone can fall in this story.
As in every family, the disease also drags the family along the decline. Today Randy Grimes hares more about the progression of his pill addiction which took them all to some painful lows. We also learn about his dramatic treatment entrance and the start of his recovery journey.
See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back. Reaching bottom is very individual. Randy openly shares what his bottom was and more about how far down the disease took him and his loved ones on this desperate journey. Join Randy in this episode as he takes us on his journey from the bottom as he quite literally crawls his way into recovery. Let’s rejoin Randy Grimes.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret 01:29
So, tell us your bottom. What got you to finally surrender to getting the help that you so deserved?
Randy 01:37
Oh my gosh, every bottom I had, had a trapdoor, as you well know, you know, just when I thought I was at the bottom, I would always go deeper. And I had a real good friend that I played with in Tampa named Tom McHale he was doing the same things I was doing. He was he was self-medicating the injuries he got while he played with the Bucs with opiates and benzos. And one morning, he just didn’t wake up. And that was in 2009. And that was the beginning of the perfect storm in the spring and summer 2009. My daughter had just had my first grandchild, and she wouldn’t let me come around. She wouldn’t let me come around her new baby because I wasn’t fit to be around. I was having seizures like every other day, you know, it got to the point to where I would have a seizure, and the kids would call the ambulance and they would just casually walked into the street and direct the ambulance to the driveway. You know, it was no big deal for them. They had done it so many times.
Margaret 02:39
So, first of all, I’m so sorry for your friend’s passing. And I also recognize that one of the most difficult things in a recovering world is we lose people. This disease is potentially fatal. And one of the things I’ve noticed people struggle with is when they lose someone to the disease that they share. There’s a guilt almost like a survivor’s guilt. Why wasn’t it me? And my hope is that people can absolutely acknowledge that, that is a reality. They’re by the grace of our Higher Power guy. But on the other side of it is what can I get from this to help me not do the same? Which feels selfish, right? Like it feels selfish, but it’s true. Your friend would have wanted you to get well. I’m sure he wanted to get well but never got that opportunity, which is very sad.
The other piece that you just shared, which is stunning, but I think so appropriate to share. When we look at tolerance increasing in us as addicts, we see it very clearly need more to, get more to have a desired effect. We see that same tolerance increase in family and the tolerance we see increase in family’s tolerance for in tolerable behavior. We get numb and used to things that quote, hate the word normal. So, let’s say non addicted families don’t have to navigate. And that’s what comes across in you just sharing that about your kids that it had become so much a part of their routine that it was standard practice.
Randy 04:18
You know emergency room visits, ambulance rides. Dad having another car repossessed, you know, Mom and Dad struggling through another possible foreclosure all as a result of finances connected to addiction. So that was the new norm and that’s how it affected my kids. Yeah, of course me nodding off or me being in my recliner passed out. Of course, that affected them. But it was also the things that were going on behind the scenes that they could read through Lydia or things that they heard us talking about or arguing about or they knew that that we were going through.
So, it wasn’t just pay dad wasn’t present or dad was high. Dad was slurring his words. It was all the behind-the-scenes things of foreclosures, and where are we going to get money to pay our next electric bill? And is there food in the house? And are we going to have to move soon. Those are ways that the disease affected them. And it was all because of the disease. It wasn’t because I wasn’t capable of working and pulling in money. I mean, if I did work and pull in money, I used it on drugs. So, it was all a result of the disease.
Margaret 05:41
Well, you describe so clearly, the lengths with which we go and the decline of the progression of the disease. You know, you came from what I would consider a pretty high standard of living, to describing what you just did of risk of foreclosure. Where’s the food money, you know, that’s a big drop.
Randy 06:03
And really not trauma based, except for the fact that I wasn’t Randy Grimes, the football player anymore. And I think the fact that after I retired, I never could figure out what I wanted to do or who I was. When I wasn’t Randy Grimes, a football player anymore. I didn’t have that uniform when I didn’t have that playbook. When I didn’t have that title. Hey, Randy Grimes center for Tampa Bay Buccaneers when I didn’t have all that struggle for a long time. I call it now transitional trauma, I didn’t do change very well. But I already had this rage and addiction going while I played. And now you throw in the fact that I don’t have that identity and self-esteem that comes with the identity, that was just throwing gasoline on an already raging dumpster fire. That was my addiction.
Margaret 06:58
And I would assume, Randy, when you talk about trauma, you’re talking about your own trauma. But your children and your partner, your wife were traumatized by your disease.
Randy: Absolutely.
Margaret: And I just wanted to clarify that for the listeners. Because I hear that in your story. I know you’re well aware that your disease created wreckage.
Randy: Right?
Margaret: Do you think at this point when you’re retired, and you’re using to the levels you’re using? One is medical care of injury, care of sore, care of wounds, but is a big part of it transitioning into care of emotional pain.
Randy 07:32
Absolutely. And you bring up a great point because yeah, it started because of injuries. It started because of pain. It started because I wanted to stay out on the field. But it turned into all about numbing up. It turned into not wanting to feel. It turned into hating myself, because I didn’t know who I was when I wasn’t an athlete anymore. It turned into my escape. And yeah, I still had the injuries, I still had the pain, the injury for getting worse, the chronic payments getting worse, the addictions getting worse. But at some point, very soon after I retired. It wasn’t about getting out of pain anymore was about getting out of mental pain. You know?
Margaret 08:22
Yeah I do. I can imagine. I mean, I’ve never been in a position of being a football player and living in a disease where you’re living your dream. And yet you can’t stay abstinent or sober and you’re functioning, well, however, you know, in your gut, you’re not up to your potential. The only thing I can correlate that to was when I was working in the addiction field and was active in my addiction and the shame, I carried of the fake life I lived. Like, if only anybody knew this, my God, I’d be ruined, right, I would be of no value to anybody, I couldn’t even do my job and be okay. So, I can only imagine how that would be amplified when you’re adding in the public light of your position as a football player,
Randy 09:05
and married to the daughter of a preacher and living within throwing distance of the church. And everybody in her family involved with the church, and my parents raising me the way that they did raising me in church and around sports. There was so much guilt and shame involved with me. And I thought I was hiding it for a long time. But when you’re sitting there slurring your words or nodding off while you’re in the middle of a conversation. You don’t see yourself or hear yourself doing that, but you are.
Margaret 09:42
Yeah, worst kept secret often.
Randy: Right.
09:46
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Margaret 09:50
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10:21
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Margaret 10:33
So, you end up getting help you end up getting treatment.
Randy: Yeah.
Margaret: And one of the things Lydia share that I just want to see your perspective on that I thought was really, it was eye opening for me. When you go into treatment, it’s publicly portrayed, they’re recording you and you’re, you’re talking about it. And so, then the kids are seeing you do this on YouTube or whatever. Whereas this has been the family secret. That was a hard transition for them, because they’ve sat on this secret, and you’re out there talking about it. And yet, there’s not a lot of trust built yet because you’re newly sober. So, take me through what it was like for you to have to go from this big strong football player who presented in a certain way to sitting in a treatment center while they’re recording you in this very vulnerable position of seeking help. How did you navigate that?
Randy 11:28
Well, before that, let me take you back a few weeks before that when we didn’t lose our last house to foreclosure. But we did have to short sell it, and somebody had bought it and they weren’t going to move into it for 90 days. And I can remember staying in that house with we had to move our furniture out. We had to cut the utilities off. And I can remember laying in the floor of that house because that’s where I was living. Lydia couldn’t live there. She had to move here with her parents, she just should not live in a vacant house. And, and I don’t know why I expected her to, but she just realized that she was loving me to death. She wasn’t helping me at all. She couldn’t live in that she had a great job; she was teaching. She couldn’t live like that.
But I can remember laying in the floor of that house thinking, golly, here I am. I was a college; all American and I was a second-round draft pick of the Bucs. I married my dream girl sweetheart; I was the 1988 NFL Man of the Year for the Bucs. I’ve done this. And I’m a pro bowler, I’ve done all this and done that. And here I am laying in the floor of an empty house that I’m about to lose with no utilities, no job, no car, no money. And that’s what my life has come to. And that was the very end something about laying in the floor that night.
And Lydia was willing to make one more phone call for me. And whoever she called, back then the NFL didn’t have a program for retired players. And I didn’t have any insurance, no money, anything. I’d lost every job that I ever had. And whoever she talked to that day at the league office knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody. And that’s how I got out there.
But you know, when I pulled up to the rehab, I was leaning against the door of the car. And yeah, I had this film crew with me. And somebody opened the car door from the outside, and I just fell out onto the concrete. And there’s about 30 feet between the car and the door. And I can remember crawling on all fours. And nobody helped me and I’m glad they didn’t. But I can remember crawling on all fours through that door that night. And for me, that was such a powerful thing because I look back now at it was like I finally had that gift of desperation that I never had before. You know, the other detoxes had been to, or treatment centers that I walked out of and started using again immediately, it was like something was different about this time and whether it was the accountability of having the film crew, whether it was the program, I like to think that I finally got that gift of desperation.
And what I’m so upset about is that it took me 20 plus years to get that. That I had to put everybody through what I put them through to get there. But all I knew is that I was finally there. I was finally willing to do whatever they told me to do. You know, I finally surrendered. And that was that night of September 22, 2009. And I think the kids were just glad I was somewhere safe, glad that I was out of their hair. Glad that I was away from their friends, away from mom working on myself finally. But I think they were cautiously optimistic because they knew my history. I knew that I’d been to other treatment centers a couple times and had failed. So, I had a lot of work to do, not only on myself, but to gain their trust back and all that.
Margaret 15:12
You bring up a good point. Family members often say when their loved one goes to treatment, they want to have hope. But they’re also really concerned to have hope. Because the what ifs, what if it doesn’t work? What if they don’t do it? What if they lie, yada, yada, yada. So, I really appreciate what you’re sharing about your children a that they appreciated you were somewhere safe, because they didn’t have to worry. I don’t think we realize the level of pain and suffering the worry is on family. When you’re in the disease, you’re so self-absorbed, you can’t see the worry and the suffering. And if you do, this is what I always say, if you come to enough to see the pain in their eye with clarity, first thought, use Get the hell out of this place, because it is so painful to see that pain in the person’s eye. And family members are saying, why can’t he see? Why can’t he truly see? And if I’m the love of his life, and he loves me as my father, why is that not enough to get well? What’s your answer to that?
Randy 16:11
It is enough. But the grip that addiction has on you is so much more powerful. I mean, it’s almost and you probably know this, but It’s unexplainable. You know, it’s fear. It’s comforting. It’s your security blanket.
Margaret: It’s the answer to everything.
Randy: Yes, exactly. Exactly. And yeah, I saw my children crying, I heard the arguments that my kids were having with me, I can remember my daughter throwing pill bottles at me, you know, when will you stop? How much more do you have to put us through, I remember all those shouting matches and confrontations, but the disease was more powerful. And I don’t know that they’ll ever understand that. I don’t know that anybody that’s ever not been in that position will ever understand that. But like I said earlier, you know, I thought I was a pretty tough guy. And a very disciplined athlete who thought I could just about do anything. But man, the addiction was so much bigger than me so much more powerful than me. And it influenced everything.
Margaret 17:21
And that’s one of the reasons I so appreciate you candidly sharing your story as you’ve had. Because, you know, we haven’t even gone there to know what you’ve gone through and being open about your short story because you were probably one of the early people in a position within the field of the NFL to be open and candid.
Weakness is always seen as such a negative thing, even though I think in being transparent and being honest and being open is not weak. It’s being stronger than you’ve ever been in any other area of your life. What have you faced as a result of being candid? You shared earlier, there was no program,
Randy: no program no.
Margaret: in the profession. So how has that unfolded?
Randy 18:05
Well, since then, there’s a lot of opportunities for former players. But I like to think that it’s because of the advocacy that I’ve done.
I can remember sitting at a picnic table in the middle of the rehab campus. And it was exactly two weeks into that process. You know, I told you I crawled through the door that night. I remember sitting at a picnic table and it was at 8:45 on a Wednesday morning, I’ll never forget. It was 15 minutes before the first group was about to start exactly two weeks into the process. I was still in detox. And I remember I would get up every morning and write a spiral notebook and a pen. And for some reason, I don’t know why I’m not a big writer. But it made me feel better to just kind of write what I was going through what was going on around me how it’s feeling all that. And this particular morning, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t get myself under control. And I can’t imagine what a 290-pound man in the middle of rehab looks like sobbing uncontrollably, but that was me. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get myself together. And I can remember thinking first of all, I couldn’t get over the compulsion to throw down pills. I had convinced myself that I needed them, that I was in pain. And I couldn’t sleep without the benzos. And I couldn’t get through the day without the opiates. I convinced myself that. And also for the first time in 20 plus years, I was having to deal with life on life’s terms, clean and sober. And all the destruction that I had left back in Huston with my family and my friends and my reputation and my finances. I couldn’t numb up anymore and escape it.
And so, I had to deal with that sober and I can remember going through all these emotions and it was, It was like somebody came up behind me and draped a warm quilt around my shoulders. And I say quilt because I remember feeling weight and warmth on my shoulders. And I had this overwhelming feeling of confidence that just kind of came over me that not only could I do this, but that I had to make it mean something. I had to make everything that I’d put everybody through mean something.
And that was kind of the birth of me getting out and sharing my story. It was kind of the birth of Pro Athletes in Recovery. Although I didn’t know what I wanted to do with it. And I had a lot of work to do on myself, I just knew that I wanted to make it mean something. Because I knew there was a lot of other guys out there that I played with, and against that were struggling just like me. And I wanted to get out and help those guys. But I had a lot of work to do on myself first.
But I remember all this going on. And you know, that was my big burning bush moment. You know, I call it my spiritual awakening. But it happened at that picnic table that morning at 8:45. And I’ll never forget it. You know, I’ve never looked back since then, that confidence that I had that day, or that was granted to me that day, given to me that day has never left me. And obviously this is a day at a time program. And tomorrow is not promised, but I have that confidence to say that, probably tomorrow, I’ll be okay. But I do still do everything I can daily to ward off this thing, this disease that I know is just lying-in wait.
Margaret 21:37
Right? So, transitioning into your recovery and all of the great work you’ve done for yourself, your family, and the community at large. Let’s talk about the hope of your story, because you’ve shared very candidly the despair. And I appreciate that. The reality of how far down the disease took you and hurt you and your family and your community.
So, as you get into recovery, you have this moment of which is a beautiful picture, just imagining what that would have felt like, though I would say to a grown strapping man crying uncontrollably in treatment, you ask what that must look like? I’ve seen it many times. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed. Because somebody is getting to have a release that they’ve probably never had before. Which God knows we all need when we’ve been beat up by a disease that hurts us so badly.
So, as you move forward, you have this, I’m going to help others. That’s obviously part of your story, even though you have work to do on yourself. How does recovery unfold for Randy?
Randy 22:44
Well, after 20 plus years, I finally grieved the death of Randy Grimes the football player. You know, I finally did that while I was in treatment with the help of professionals and a lot of therapy. I finally grieved that death. And I talk about that a lot because it really was a grieving process. And something that I had never done, I’d never let go of. I finally found purpose in my life. But that purpose was at that point, not going out and helping people it was about staying clean and sober and making my family proud of me again. And I didn’t know what that look like. But I just knew I had to do the next right thing every day. And hopefully, eventually, they would understand and allow themselves to love me again. So, I had that too.
So that’s how my early recovery looked. But also remember that door hit me in the rear ends when it was over and being scared to death to be out there left to my own devices. So, I still had that gift of desperation. Even then 90 days later, when treatment was over. They told me to go to sober living. I was 49 years old. I had a family back in Houston, but they wanted me to go to sober living and get used to doing recovery things like going to meetings every day, getting a sponsor and being around people that are struggling like me.
And I did. I did it and my family had a hard time understanding why I was staying for stay and stay in that environment instead of coming back to Houston getting a job and getting right back into the same triggers that got me to where I was. So, I was not going to let that happen. And so, I listened to them, and I did it. And I moved into sober living with a bunch of 20-year-old kids out of the Northeast to had just gotten out other treatment centers around Palm Beach County. And I also volunteered to work for the alumni department calling people, calling former clients.
And so, I would come back onto the campus every day or early, like hours early. They would let me come back on even though I was discharged, they would let me come back on and I would just pick up cigarette butts. Just anything I could do. To stay around my safe place, my safe people, because I needed, I needed that accountability of people seeing my eyes and hearing my voice every day keeping me accountable. And then I would make my calls at night. And then I would go home that, you know, that went on for over a year, where I was working on myself going to meetings, a lot of times three meetings a day, and doing whatever our other people have done that were successful. I was listening, I had my ears out to the ground. So that was my first year living in sober living. Eventually, I moved out to sober living but by myself.
And that was the whole first year I continued therapy in an outpatient setting, I believe in the power of professional therapy. I continued that but I tried to stay accountable for every minute of every day of that first year. And I think that was the difference maker. I didn’t have that film crew around me anymore, like I did while I was going through treatment. And so, it was all up to me. And it was that gift of desperation and surrender that I think got me through that first year. And then you know, I started at Pro Athletes in Recovery has started working with the NFL, as far as establishing a plan and player Care Foundation was developed. And I started working with them going out and reaching out to former NFL players. Little did I know that Major League Baseball would get involved, the NBA, hockey pretty much every sport over the last 12 years, pretty much every sport that has an organization that supports their former players, or athletes I’m working with. Kind of God’s way of keeping me connected to a game that I loved so much that I was so far away from for so many years. And there was a lot of guilt and shame about that too. But it was God’s way of reconnecting me to that game.
And people ask me all the time what I miss most about football, and it’s not being out there and playing the game. But what I miss most is the locker room.
Margaret: Yeah.
Randy: And that’s what recovery has given me back is to be with like-minded people who have been to those deep dark places that addiction takes us, you know, people that have laughed and cried and struggled with. And that’s what I’m most grateful about recovery.
Margaret 27:37
It’s beautiful. Well said. And you know, it’s interesting, when I spoke with Lydia, the same thing came through loud and clear that there has been a community aspect to your life, through your lives. So originally it was your church, into your college and that Baylor community into pro football and the community of Tampa Bay Buccaneers. And then there was no community in the throes of the worst of the disease. The isolation became a real thing. And then now in recovery, as you just beautifully said, that community is once again well intact.
Outro: the theme of the power of community and the strength of Randy Grimes found throughout his life in those communities was very evident. What was even more glaring was how his active addiction isolated him and removed him from all those communities of support. It is beautiful to hear the start of Randy’s recovery reflect how he has embraced and been embraced by his recovery community and giving back.
Embrace Family Recovery Coaching:
As we all know the holidays can offer lots of triggers under the best of circumstances. Add the disease of addiction to the mix and the monkey chatter is amplified.
Let me tell you more about The Embrace Family Recovery Coaching Group. I will host a complementary group three times through the 2022 holiday season where we will come together as a community of loved ones in recovery and support one another while learning new strategies.
You must enroll to participate in the group. Here is the link to register for the
The groups will be offered on Wednesday evenings December 14th, 21st, and January 4th from 7:30 until 9:00 PM Eastern Standard Time (EST)
I will lead with a topic we will then have a discussion followed by open format.
To register for the group please find the link in my show notes found on embracefamilyrecovery.com
podcast episode #83
I really look forward to being with you practicing radical self-care through this holiday season!
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website.
This is Margaret Swift Thompson. Until next time, please take care of you
