Today Lydia jumps right in and shares the progression of Randy’s disease of addiction. The impact on him, their marriage, and their family.
Lydia is open about the long journey with his disease and recovery testing and strengthening her faith. As Lydia said, it was not like he went to treatment, and then they lived happily ever after.
As you hear in their story, the Grimes family is service-minded, and you will hear moments of Randy in the background doing his interview!
Here are some of the resources Lydia shared in this episode:
https://www.gridirongreats.org
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR5gi4vrVZY
Let’s get back to Lydia!
See full transcript below.
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. A place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back today Lydia jumps right in and takes us deeper into the impact of her husband’s disease on their family. She also shares candidly about the struggles as a Christian to internalize addiction being a disease. As you can hear in Lydia’s story, not to mention Randy in the background doing an interview, this is a service minded family let’s get back to Lydia!
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Lydia 00:01
And finally, he did get better. He did get through the cocaine experience. He had lost a job because of that. Wrecking the company truck doesn’t help. (laughter)
Margaret 00:13
So, life consequences started happening outside of the home.
Lydia 00:17
Yes, people started seeing him messed up. Like at the little league field, things. People were seeing him slurring, but there was a brief time in there, it seemed like where he did try to control everything. He got a great job with a great company Acme Brick he was doing well. It was just back to eventually, the sleepiness at night. The pills, and I knew he was on the pills, he was very good at hiding it.
And so, by now, we’ve been out for 10 years, and this is all going on. I mean, in the meantime, we’ve got a daughter, high school playing volleyball. My son was coming up middle school, playing football, baseball, ran in the roads, I’m teaching. just life in general was busy. And you’re trying to control your husband. But there was a brief, I felt like time where we were trying to work on our marriage, which was not good at all. But we were trying to get better. And then it seemed like there came that time where he admitted it was out of control again, money was missing. It got crazy. That’s when I really started reaching out to doctors trying to get the help. He admitted he had a problem. He did go into treatment, his first one. I think he lasted about five or six days.
Margaret: Sure.
Lydia: Um, we even had a doctor that was like, okay, giving 10 of these Xanax, and then the next day, give him nine and then. I don’t know what I was thinking, I was actually doing it. And he’s taken a million on the side.
Margaret 02:12
I gIve you such grace, I guess as a word I don’t know. It’s like, it’s so easy in retrospect to think what in the heck was I thinking and doing, but when we are living in it, it is such an amazingly powerful, complex disease. The person with it has to lie, has to con, has to blame, has to do all those things to use which they think is their survival. The family members love the person and want to see the best in them and don’t want to believe the gut check that they’re having that something’s wrong. And so, we do this dance for a while until there’s no denying the truth.
Lydia; Oh, yeah.
Margaret: Even with treatment, what resources did you get to understand what that was going to be like? And how it was going to affect potentially him and the relationship and that it’s going to feel different at first afterwards? And you know what I mean? Like, there’s not a lot of help,
Lydia 03:06
Right? There wasn’t, now the first place, I think we had one therapist that talked to both of us together, and that was it. He just didn’t stay long enough for me to really get any help. I did not really seek out Al- Anon at that time. I guess I just I didn’t know what to do. And I still was just
Margaret: Right,
Lydia: hoping that somehow, he was just going to get better. I don’t know, like this treatment was going to be the answer. He’s gonna learn all the skills and I did not look from us look out for myself or my kids. I look back and I regret so much. I guess you could learn from me not what not to do. We would go to some detoxes because what happens is, he got off the Halcyon and got on the Xanax. And when you get off those benzos he tried, he tried to get off, but he start having seizures.
Margaret: Correct.
Lydia: seizures are scary, especially for kids to see, to watch. And that got very common. The seizures!
Margaret: Wow.
Lydia: They would call the ambulance. They would, these are my kids meet the ambulance out, in the street, direct them to come in the house. And they, we did all of it. We begged. We cried. We pleaded. Then I tried to be the sweetest thing that I could ever be, loving him to death. All of it. We do all of it.
Margaret 04:49
Oh, we do. I did the same thing. I thought if I showed him that I loved him, and accepted him, and trusted him then he would act that way. What I did not understand, like you, at the time, he had a pathological relationship with this, his was behavioral, behavioral addiction that superseded every other human need he had. In your husband’s case, he had a chemical addiction that was telling him to survive, you have to have this no matter what. And then to have seizures would almost reinforce it as a family member, like, oh, my gosh, we can’t have that happen. So, we’ve got to keep him taking at least something, is that when he tried the amounts to.
Lydia 05:37
Oh, that didn’t work.
Margaret: No.
Lydia: No. He was just taking more on the side and lying to my face. It’s hard to understand. Don’t you love me? How can you do this to our children? How could you do this to me? All those questions, and I have faith in God, God, please, answer my prayer. I don’t understand.
Margaret: Right,
Lydia: God, you’re silent. Why are you changing Randy? And as a Christian, you know, I didn’t understand. We do a real life think it’s like a moral failing and not a disease.
Margaret: Right.
Lydia: And I know I did. And, and, and I know, it took me a really long time to understand that it is a disease. But it is, and I wish I would have realized that sooner. But I mean, I want to say that, through it all, that even when you think God’s silent, he’s there. And he’s with you. And he never left me. He gave me like supernatural strength that is only from God. And he was with me through the storm. And then the trials, you know, he never left me, never forsake me. And a lot of times, I feel like that was my peace, that I leaned on him on my faith. And that God is through, you know, a lot of prayer. I mean, we both had wonderful families. And they were praying, they knew the problem. Everybody knew. I tried to hide it from friends, and people that I work with, but as far as family all, they were there, they were praying, they were trying to help. Nobody knew what to do, besides putting them in another treatment center. And that’s what I did. We did go to some just detox places, get him clean.
Margaret 07:51
To avoid the seizure, they can medically detox him so he’s safe. Right?
Lydia 07:55
Right. And he would look great. He come home we look his skin look better, his eyes were bright. I think okay, we can do this, you can do it. And it wouldn’t take a few days, and he’d relapse. We did that a lot. We went to quite a few treatment centers in Houston, it just seems like he could never, I didn’t know what to do with him when he came home. I didn’t learn boundaries at all. I did get introduced to Al -Anon, at another treatment center. I did go to the one while he was in treatment. And it was across town for me. Of course, the stigma I didn’t want to go to the Al-Anon in my neighborhood cause somebody might see me.
Margaret 08:47
Right again, very common.
Lydia 08:49
in Randy’s wife, the preacher’s daughter. You want to, I’m still hiding everything, even though he was messed up at church. He was messed up. He was spiraling big time. We lost several cars. He lost another job, the home that we lived in before we had to sell. He was just in a smaller home, messed up.
Margaret 09:13
Consequences were happening.
Lydia 09:14
We started losing a lot!
Margaret 09:15
My experience working with men and women seeking treatment for addiction, not wanting anyone to know they’re in treatment. And I’m like, so you don’t want the people that love you, support you, have prayed for you to know that you’re doing the exact right thing for the illness you have. And do you not think they probably have some evidence of watching your disease destroy your life and before you came to treatment, it’s probably the worst kept secret out there.
Lydia: Oh yeah
Margaret: But in their mind and our mind. We think it’s nobody knows.
Lydia 09:48
Yeah, he spiraled, it was it was ugly. It really does last four/five years. It was bad. Losing jobs, and then just trying to make it on a teacher salary. My son had gone off to college in ‘07. And so it was, it was near impossible to keep that house.
Margaret 10:16
So those last few years, which were really bad, were the children both out of the house at that point?
Lydia 10:22
The last couple of years, yes. My daughter left in ’02, so she was in and out, she had gotten, we had a wedding ’06, I had first grandchild in ‘07. We had a lot of blessings that came, you know, God was still showing us favor, and I kept my job, my son, of course, we had to take out a lot of loans and family help, but he was able to go to college. They both went to A&M, which is Texas Aggies. So, we did have blessings. We did have things that were good. But in the meantime, they had this dad that wasn’t really present.
Margaret: Right.
Lydia: And my son, really, I felt like didn’t have the father he should have all through middle school, high school, college. I mean, just not there.
Margaret 11:27
Right. So, you’d mentioned learn from my mistakes, which, you know, you made it, Lydia. So, give yourself acknowledgement for that. You’ve stayed connected to your faith through it all, because I’m sure at times while I shouldn’t say that, were you questioning at all? I mean, you question where are you? But did you feel like your faith was hurt by this journey? Or strengthened?
Lydia 11:53
Well, I would say it was strengthened, especially after he came to treatment. He finally came into the last treatment in ‘09.
Margaret: Okay.
Lydia: And I had already, we had to sell that house. And he didn’t want to come to my parents, you know, I was having to live with my parents. He didn’t want to do that. So, his family started putting him in like extended stays. So, he was really living that kind of out of his little truck and in hotels, trying to get little jobs that he could, but he couldn’t hold anything. Then finally, I did keep reaching out to different people trying to get help with NFL, there wasn’t anything. There was Gridiron Greats, is Mike Ditka’s program. And from there, it just kind of evolved where this girl went, and she worked for these doctors. They had this program called PAST, and PAST agreed that they would send him to West Palm. West Palm Beach in Florida, there was a treatment center. It was a separation that I never wanted. It was good though because it got me out of that situation. Not that that’s good to be separated. But it made me step away from him and keep enabling him.
I mean, there were days I would come home and not know if he was dead or alive. And I’d be teaching all day and busy. And then all of a sudden, you’re like, it’s so good to be with children all day, and like that escape. But then I would come home and not know what was going to happen.
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Margaret 13:51
I can imagine the drive or walking in the door, the feelings you must have had every night not knowing what you’re facing.
Lydia 14:01
And he also started experiencing hallucinations. And that was scary. I mean, at night I would be locked in a room with my purse, my keys, his keys, it got to that place. You know It takes you to insane places. But through it all we did separate. And then I got the call that they wanted to help them. He went to West Palm, and that was in September of 2009. And I feel like he was more accountable to more people. Not just family.
Margaret: You bet
Lydia: It was these doctors, his group, the NFL knew about it. They were paying for his treatment. They also promised that they would send him off to get a knee replacement. So, he got to go. They kind of like took him down really, really slow because he had so many problems detoxing.
Margaret: Sure
Lydia: and took him down slowly. Then they took him to Mississippi and had this knee this doctor agreed to do it had a knee replacement worked on his neck, different his other knee. And he came back then they had to detox him off of that,
Margaret: of course,
Lydia: And then he finally after, like, over a month, then he really started his treatment. And he got to stay. So, a total of three months. So, it was a longer time, more people that he was accountable to, and he got helped with the pain. The knee, the leg, the ankle, all of it. So, he really did great, he agreed to do whatever they wanted him to do. I mean, he really felt like he was totally had deliverance from the addiction. I mean, he had an experience that he talks very openly about while he was in treatment, journaling, and crying out to God and feeling all the guilt and shame because he had no pills in him anymore. And just felt like this warm blanket, which we felt like was the Holy Spirit just enveloped him. And he was just begging God, I don’t, I can’t do this, if this is what it feels like, because I’m obsessing and he just felt it lifted.
And from that day on, he has not had any desire. It was completely taken from him, which, I pray that for everybody that’s in treatment that they can have that experience. So, he really succeeded. He agreed to go to sober living. He was 49, he was with a bunch of kids in sober living,
Margaret: Right.
Lydia; Yes. So, my experience, it was not like, okay, he came home, and we lived happily ever after. We really, you know, don’t share all the time about this part of it, which was very painful to me. He just decided, they offered him a job there as far as just working with alumni. Not really being around patients, but because he was so new in his recovery. But after a while, he got into the business part of it. But I mean, I’m still in Texas, I’m still have a son in college. And I think you asked me, I think my faith grew even stronger. Because I really had to lean on the Lord, ] I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to come home. He felt like in Houston was a really triggered that’s where he drove around doctor shopping for years. And so, I just continued doing what I was doing, living with my parents, paying off debt.
Margaret 18:00
Hard not to take that personally, right? Like he feels Houston is not safe. But on the other side, that’s home for you. And that’s where you are and why can’t that be enough? It kind of goes back to can’t you do this for love, for me, for the kids? Like that’s not enough to beat this disease or to curtail it even as you know. So, I get it as a loved one, as a partner. It’s like, what about us? Your recovery is now first and foremost when your disease was first and foremost for how many years? And it’s hard not to feel slighted in that.
Lydia 18:38
Well, yeah, I mean, It’s selfish the disease, it consumes them and, and they block out everyone. And so, I thought that was going to be over with, but then recovery is also selfish, like they need to focus on themselves. And I think I finally stepped back. And, you know, I had two granddaughters born while he was away. So now my daughter has three little ones. And I was blessed to be grandma and help her with those kids and their little and I did seek out like Celebrate Recovery at my church. And I got my own personal Christian counselor that I went to, and that really helped me a lot to just try to start focusing a little bit on myself trying to recover from all the trauma.
Margaret: Well, sure
Lydia: we’d been through for years. And that’s when I did grow in my faith. I finally left my parents and gotten a little rent house. I was able to do that. And I lived alone, not what I wanted. I mean, Randy, we still talked every day. And when we finally had a little bit more money. He would fly me out there, he would come home. You know, we knew we loved each other, but we weren’t living together.
Margaret 20:11
Right. How long did that last?
Lydia 20:13
You won’t believe. From 2009. I did not move to Florida until 2016.
Margaret: Okay.
Lydia: Seven years of going back and forth, had my summers in Florida. I know, people told me I was crazy. I thought I was crazy. And I mean, I’ll admit, I mean, it was not easy on a marriage. There was a time, brief time in there where I did file for divorce. I’m like, we can’t do this. This isn’t working.
I’m so happy, you’re recovered, and he started working on recovery. I mean, I would even come out to Florida, and we did interventions together. I love that. Helping families feeling like what I’ve been through, there’s a reason. That God takes you through things, and you can help others. But yes, it took me a long time to leave, my job, my kids, my parents, everything that’s there, to come to Florida. But I finally did. And, you know, I will say, our marriage is totally different. Now, we’re finally we’re together and God is blessed. And we’ve been able to work together helping others. So, it’s good..
Margaret 21:38
I don’t think anyone has the right to judge the length of time, the process, the journey, you know, I say this a lot with guests on the show. Until we walk in someone’s shoes, we need not judge. I mean, it drives me crazy how people can say what somebody should do when you’re not there. And it takes what it takes, and it took what it took for the two of you Before we go into current because I do want to I love that you talked about by the way, the struggle after treatment, because a lot of people think treatment and Oh, everything’s great. And that is not the story. Talk to me about the kids. How have they navigated what the trauma that they witnessed and experienced of the disease? And what helped did they get, how they are at this point with their own journey? Because they saw a lot.
Lydia 22:27
Oh, they did. And they did what I did, as far as isolating during the time. I mean, they had friends over but they try to go around the recliner and go, you know, the long way to the room. Then they stopped having people over they didn’t want to, it was sad. And I isolated not from family, but social life. We didn’t have any friends. Going off to school. We’re blessed. I mean, they’re very determined. They’re hard workers, they started work in high school. They worked in college and make good grades. I mean, couldn’t ask for better children. I think they’ve had to come through a lot of pain. They’ve forgiven him. They have always loved their daddy, worshiped the ground he walked on. Yes, they lost respect, but they were so happy in his recovery. To see him, to see him helping people, and working with people. They are so proud. It’s been a journey for them too. Because they wanted me to be happy. They we’re like mama, you’re wasting your years, waiting on Daddy. They wanted us to be together and they’re happy that I’m in Florida. And now they have a great relationship with her dad.
Margaret 23:59
How do they feel about him and you speaking publicly about story? Is that something they’re comfortable with?
Lydia 24:06
At first? No. When he went to treatment this last time and those doctors that helped him one of the agreements was, we want to videotape you. All the sudden, we were new to Facebook. We didn’t have it, our kids did in ‘09. But all of a sudden Randy Grimes is on Facebook telling his story. And I’ve been hiding it. And everybody’s finding out. All their friends are finding out how bad it was. So, it was not easy at first. But eventually when we saw that he was going to stay in recovery. He wasn’t going to relapse. It got easier.
Margaret 24:51
I think that’s really interesting, Lydia because the reality is as you shared, the coping strategy you adopted which is a very common coping strategy was isolation, secret keeping, putting the mask on. And the kids learned that, right? They don’t want their dad to be seen as anything but the wonderful man that they know him to be, even though the disease changed him at that time. And then suddenly, here’s dad, probably at one of his most vulnerable states, putting his truth out there where you all have been protecting it for so long or guarding. It’s a big, big change.
Lydia 25:24
Oh, yeah, it was not good at all. It was hard on them.
Margaret 25:31
So, before you move on to that, I would think or imagine that part of the hard piece is, I’m now going to have people talking to me about something I’ve never been comfortable to disclose because Daddy has put it out there. Now I have to face it, talk about it, or ignore it or dismiss, like, how do I handle this? And I think that’s really, you know, as I sit here listening to this, I think that from the standpoint of us in recovery, when we start sharing our truth, do we take enough time to think about how that impacts our family and what they experience when we’re so driven to do it for our need?
Lydia 26:10
I had been talking to doctors and I had been to some meetings. And so, I kind of had gotten used to the whole recovery lingo, you don’t understand it at first, and then you start reading and trying to educate yourself. But in all that time, I still wanted to protect my kids. I did not want them to feel the shame. And that
Margaret: embarrassment.
Lydia: It’s so embarrassing? Yes.
Margaret: It’s ugly truth. I mean, the ugly truth of this disease is basically, ugly, we can’t deny it. And sadly, the family is the ones that see the most of it and out of natural instinct want to keep others from seeing that. And here it is. So now we have to talk about,
Yeah
wow.
Lydia 27:00
And they did, they faced it and they feel like he’s been an overcomer and the goal all along, greater than football, greater than anything else is that we’re able to use what you’ve been through. That’s one thing. My daddy always said, God will put you through things but you’re going to have to use it for him, and you don’t understand at the time but in the big picture. It’s like, okay, this is why I went through all of that. And you watch families recover. You see couples their marriages healed. It’s, that’s why!
Outro: Isn’t it powerful to hear the destruction of the disease of addiction on Randy, and the family. There is no denying this disease is progressive, chronic, and potentially fatal!
Lydia does an amazing job of sharing the realities and challenges within their marriage in the disease and also their recovery journey. Come back next week to hear more from Lydia.
Resources mentioned by Lydia:
Mike Dikas Grid Iron Greats
https://www.gridirongreats.org
Randy sharing his story in 2012
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR5gi4vrVZY
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
