Today, we have the opportunity to hear from Cameron, who offers her story of loving her older brother with the disease of addiction. You will hear Cameron’s story’s nuances that may sound very different from yours. And there are always similarities and qualities that overlap in every one of our stories. What is evident in this episode is the roles we all play in our families and how they get so amplified when the disease of addiction is a family member.
This episode is the beginning of the story of how Bryce’s disease turned their family’s world upside down, and Cameron was on crisis alert at all times as the family fixer.
See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:28
Welcome back, I have strived to make this podcast a platform for a variety of family members who are affected by the disease of addiction in their family, from significant others parents, children, and siblings. Today, we have the opportunity to hear from Cameron, who offers her story of loving a sibling with the disease of addiction. I’m so appreciative for all my guests and their willingness to share. And today, you will hear that there are nuances of Cameron’s story that may sound very different to yours. And there are always similarities and qualities that overlap in every one of our stories, of our lives, where we are touched by the disease of addiction when it joins our family. So please meet Cameron
01:25
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:42
I am thrilled to have you here Cameron. First, I want to say one of the things that excited me about speaking with you was having the chance to speak to a person who identifies as a sibling of someone with this illness. Because I often feel in the years of working in the field that the siblings, especially the siblings, who kind of just do what they need to do, are out of sight out of mind when all the attention is on the sibling with this disease. So not to tell your story because I want to hear it from you. And I know our listeners do, who’s the person you identify as the person with the illness in your family.
Cameron 02:17
So, the addicted individual was my older brother, there were four of us. And the oldest one had an addiction that really became full blown later on in life as we were all adults. So, he’s no longer with us, he passed away in May of 2019.
Margaret 02:40
And that’s part of the onus for why we’re chatting because we had a bit of a chat before this interview and you shared feeling like there’s really not a lot, if any resources for siblings who’ve lost a sibling to this disease. And I am so sorry, your brother lost his fight with this disease. Before we get into that, because I know that’s very important, and you want to share that message. I’d like to go back to when it started. So, at what age do you remember? Hm, something’s up here. My brother’s not doing okay. Or there’s stress in the family? Like, what age was that for you?
Cameron 03:15
So, it was in 2013 or 14. And for me, I was in my 30s.
Margaret 03:26
That’s really interesting, because a lot of people assume when someone has this illness, it’s a lifelong stressor on the family and problem in the family. Was addiction a part of your childhood in any way? Or was it something that came into your life as an adult?
Cameron 03:42
It was not a part of our childhood at all. I would say that all of us, the siblings, the four of us definitely partied as children, whatever that meant. And through high school, there was never any indication of addiction.
Margaret 03:59
So, would you describe your childhood is pretty typical, normal?
Cameron 04:05
No, so the addiction itself probably manifested itself as a result of significant trauma in the family. Very unique dynamics. Our biological mom passed away when I was an infant, and my brother was five. So, when my dad remarried, he had another child. And then shortly thereafter, they divorced. And so, my little brother and myself, went to live with my mother, who had adopted me. And my older brother and my older sister went to live with my father.
Margaret 04:38
Yourself and your younger brother went to live with your mother who adopted you. So the woman that your dad married, became your adopted mother?
Cameron: Yes.
Margaret: Got it. Okay. And you went to live with her?
Cameron: Mm hmm.
Margaret: And your other two siblings stayed with dad?
Cameron: Correct.
Margaret: How old were you?
Cameron 04:57
Definitely before Middle School fourth or fifth grade. And so, I had a separate family and my brother and sister ultimately became estranged from our mother and that side of the family, our common denominator was my father and each other.
Margaret 05:19
And did you maintain a relationship between the four of you or was that difficult when that happened?
Cameron 05:23
It was difficult when I was younger, like life goes on. You’re a kid, there’s sports there’s school, we lived about 45 minutes to an hour apart. When we saw each other. I was kind of too cool to keep going to my dad’s on the weekends and had stuff going on. So, we definitely kept a relationship we live two totally separate lives. My brother and sister did not grow up with much, and I didn’t want for much. Emotionally, I think we all want it for the same thing. But yeah, they grew up without a mom.
Margaret 05:57
One of the things I find in my own story, having never gone through losses like that, so I can’t even comprehend how that would impact a young person. I look back as an adult, and it’s really hard to discern, what’s my adult take, versus what I really felt. And sometimes I’m really hard on myself when I look back, and it’s like, hang on, Margaret, you were just a child. You were just an early teen. And some of it was just typical teen developmental norm, right? You’re busy, your friends mean everything, you do what you’re supposed to do. How have you reconciled that? Do you find that you had to kind of give yourself grace when you revisit some of that stuff? Or have you always been okay with it? No, it was the normal developmental path.
Cameron 06:39
I’m working on the giving myself grace, um still trying to figure out what was real for me. Um, interestingly enough, the family that I was closest to was my adopted mom’s family. And I never called her my adopted mom, she was always mom. Our relationship wasn’t great at all. But I was very close to her parents. So, everyone in that family was a psychologist or social worker. Now, in hindsight, it was everything I didn’t want to be because I was always the one that had problems. And I never felt like, my feelings were real. I joke because I became a social worker. Um.
Margaret 07:24
Everything you didn’t want to be you became.
Cameron 07:25
Everything I didn’t want to be here I am. And it’s really come full circle, but with a whole different level of, hey, those feelings were real. That happened, you weren’t the problem. And things could have been done different. I tried to give everybody grace in this scenario it wasn’t perfect at all. And I still think things should have been handled differently.
Margaret 07:52
And I respect what you’re saying, and you continue to work on it, right? I mean, that’s the key. All of us have things in our past that we have to reconcile, look at. Some of us avoid for decades, and then it hits us in the face, and we have to look at it. And I think what you just said is so beautiful is how do I give myself grace, which sometimes is harder, and the people around us grace that they were doing the best they could even though it may not have been what we needed.
Cameron 08:17
Sure.
Margaret 08:20
Tough though!
Cameron: Every day.
Margaret: I wanted to shout out to all my listeners today. And thank you, thank you for your support, your loyalty and you’re listening. Thanks to you. We are growing. And as a result of that, hopefully more people are getting a benefit from this podcast. If you haven’t yet, please go on Apple podcast, and write a review or on my Facebook page, embrace family recovery, LLC. Your reviews and support help this grow. And the algorithms help it reach more people. So, thank you for participating and writing a review.
09:03
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Margaret 09:16
Do you think that you’re working because you shared with me that you work with all ages? Do you think some of the ability to heal yourself comes from seeing the kids of that age navigating life and identify with huh, okay? That makes sense. That’s where I was, I don’t have to look at with this adult mind. I can remember because I see it happening with these kids.
Cameron 09:35
Absolutely. I live for the kids. I kind of make a joke that adults are responsible for their own stuff. And there’s tools, they have access to things. Taking care of yourself, whatever that looks like and healing from your past is our responsibility as adults but what I can offer is, the children don’t have to go that route and they can work on themselves now.
Margaret 10:01
I’m sure there’s a spiritual component to that. When you look at what you wish you could have had when you were that age,
Cameron: I think I probably dreamt of it.
Margaret: Yeah. And look at you are doing it for others. That’s amazing! So, we move forward and you navigate the adolescence, the best way you have you go forward and become a social worker, you’re out there living your life. I’m sure you’ve done other things than just working with the students. And you shared that you were in your 30s when your brother’s disease became prominent in the family known an issue, how would you word it?
Cameron 10:35
It was a bombshell. But Christmas Eve into Christmas Day, I can remember the exact location. I was driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and got a phone call that my brother was in jail.
Margaret 10:54
And that was your first awareness that it had become problematic.
Cameron 10:57
Yeah. And in hindsight, I don’t beat myself up about whether there were signs before that. Um, I had that thought over the past couple of years. But it was, it was pretty shocking.
Margaret 11:15
And I’m glad you don’t beat yourself up. I really am. That’s one of the hardest things that happened for me. When I found out I did beat myself up. I did. I thought, first of all, was my partner. So, I should have known. Second of all, I think there’s this piece of us that is so hard on us. It’s like that intrinsic piece that we go to that place. And one of the things we forget about this illnesses, there’s two sides to it. There’s our wanting to see the best in people. And as there’s as a survival skill in this disease who hide it from us.
Cameron: Absolutely.
Margaret: Especially those closest who would do something and I have a feeling just a little bit I know you, he probably knew you would have got involved if you had an inkling something was wrong.
Cameron 11:59
Yes. So out of the four of us. He and I were probably the most alike. He had it all. He never graduated college. But he made it in the market he’d been extremely successful. He was married, they had just had twins. And he had traveled the world. Been everywhere, seen everything had experiences that most people will never have the opportunity have, ever. And there goes his unresolved childhood trauma. He repeated the exact same patterns that he hated in life. It became known that night, he was in jail, his phone call was to me, I had worked in the criminal justice system. So, I think he sort of just knew it was safe to call and say something from a jail cell. And his ex-wife had sent me photographs of a large Ziploc bag filled with pills, a gallon Ziplock bag to be exact. And after seeing that the social worker and person that was managing drug treatment courts and mental health courts at the time, knew what needed to happen to sort of save my brother, and help him out of this situation. And so I did. I was at work the next morning after Christmas, I left work when I knew he was going to be arraigned and he was in New York. I coordinated with the family. I contacted a sister and I said, hey, he needs a lawyer. I contacted my father, I said you need to get to the courthouse and get him and when you get him, I will be there. And so, I left Pennsylvania. I drove to Manhattan and my sister, and I went to my little brother’s apartment where my brother was. He had been let out of jail. And that started the process of finding a detox for him. And that would be in 2014.
Margaret 14:26
Within your family system, granted, this came about late. You weren’t children navigating this but you’ve navigated a lot of things as children that most of us don’t have to. As you describe that you are balancing your personal with all the knowledge and experience professionally. And you went into immediately what I would identify as the fixer. Like okay, you ever watched the show Blacklist?
Cameron: Yes.
Margaret: Okay, so my visual for the fixer in the family is his cleaner. The woman that he would call and all evidence would be gone. And I don’t mean that disrespectfully, I mean that as a visual representation of how damn good we are when we’re in that role, like we know how to take care of business. So, you get there, and you rally the troops to get the resources for your brother. Did you ever even stop to feel? Or was it, in? I’m there, I got to do this no option.
Cameron 15:29
No option? I don’t think I stopped for years. Wow.
Margaret 15:33
Wow,I appreciate you saying that. Because I think so many of us do that and don’t even realize we do it.
Cameron 15:40
You know, I was working in the field that when I first started outpatient counseling, I was doing drug and alcohol assessments. Um, you know, I knew it all. You hear in recovery, that one time in rehab would not necessarily be a guarantee for sobriety, one day at a time, I was pretty connected to places in Pennsylvania. And so, it seemed you just keep going.
Margaret 16:10
in your family, once you got there. And the process of finding detox happened, because this is also, I think, informative. You have knowledge base; you have experienced professionally to find those resources. How hard was it? Was it okay for you, because you had those connections?
Cameron 16:27
I think it was the only reason it was okay. Um, I know exactly what to do. And I will say that it was out of state. So, the knowledge of calling insurance to see what facility would accept it. People don’t even know that they can do that. I knew instantly enough to say, let me have your insurance card. And so, we did that for detox. My sister and I drove the next morning, upstate New York to a detox. We dropped him off. I was also super worried about my sister and making sure she was okay. And I think she was appalled. But did it because we were close the three of us. And I walked through the intake process, I waited there with him. I had worked in the criminal justice system; my sister was completely thrown off by everything.
Margaret 17:24
To a whole new world for her nothing she’d been exposed to.
Cameron 17:28
No, not at all. And then I worked to get him into a rehab here in Pennsylvania. So, when he was finished with detox, I met my sister who was super pregnant at the time, and her husband, somewhere off of 78 in Allentown. And we did the transfer of the brother. And I took him to rehab locally,
Margaret 17:57
Was he willing?
Cameron 17:59
I think he thought it was all a joke. I remember the car ride from Allentown to the rehab felt like it was five hours long. It wasn’t. Um, he was just rambling. I kind of looked at him, like who is this guy? And he was clean at that point. My brother always had a level of I’m invincible. His risk taking was extreme.
Margaret: What was he coming off of what pills?
Cameron: It was a combination of Xanax pain pills. I don’t believe the heroin use was really heavy at that time, if at all.
Margaret 18:40
So interesting. He went through the detox for how long?
Cameron: He was there for less than a week.
Margaret 18:46
Right. So, he was one week, tapered down, but not truly clean. Because I look at clients who I’ve worked with who are in recovery for those medications. And their tapers are often 21 to 28 days long. So yeah, I hear you he was clean. But he still had so much in a system, I’m sure when you took him.
Cameron 19:08
Absolutely. And he definitely under reported his use if I had to guess
Margaret 19:14
So, we’re not sure he took it seriously, definitely don’t know if he realized the impact. And you share really candidly, he had this invincibility about him that made it a tough job to get well. I mean, that’s a tough challenge for someone who has a been a risk taker all their life and navigated probably some really insane things. To think well I can manage this, or I can do this.
Cameron 19:39
Yeah, he was always the different one. I’m not an addict. I can stop. I think the first go around was to avoid legal trouble more than anything, and perhaps to save or salvage a relationship with his children.
Margaret 19:53
So, at that point, he gets to a treatment center gets through detox. He has an incredible family who rallies to help him with the legals and with getting help, what help was given to you or any of your family members at that point?
Cameron 20:06
None, I was definitely the person that was allowed to visit. He had signed a release of information for me and I would visit him. Whenever I was allowed. It wasn’t for family therapy. And when he was able to go on a pass, I would pick him up and take him to my house, and then bring him back.
Margaret 20:31
So how did you cope?
Cameron 20:34
I didn’t cope. I worked all the time. I poured myself into planning what would be next? And my sister and I would talk on the phone every night about, how did we get here? What is wrong with him? Like it can’t just be drugs? Do you think he believes this is an illness? Do you think it’s mental health? Like, obsessing? Truly, it was probably an obsession for the both of us.
Margaret 21:11
And that is not atypical, right? We hear that a lot. We hear that a family member. And my words, your drug of no choice became your brother. While his drug of no choice was whatever he was ingesting. And you did around him what he did around chemicals. So, if you’re obsessing and preoccupying about him what he’s getting? what he’s not getting? Is he buying into this? Is he going to be okay with, that’s the monkey chatter we talked about in program. You have this monkey chatter going nonstop. His Slick, his disease is going, okay, yeah, I’ll bide my time. I’m doing all right, I probably can manage it socially. Or at least I’ll stay away from this or not this and who do I know back home who will be able to help me in this situation if I need it really bad? Right? So like, while you’re doing your obsession, his was ripe too, I’m sure.
Cameron 21:56
Ripe and real.
Margaret 21:58
So, move us forward. How did this progress? I mean, you and your sister, did that ever stop? Were you always doing that? Like processing together the outcomes, the ways to fix, manage, control?
Cameron 22:11
Yeah, um, for a long time, I don’t actually think he successfully completed that program and perhaps, you know, left a night early and made up some lie in hindsight. It was not truthful. And it was a matter of whether or not he was going to sleep there or at my house for the night. So, he slept at my house, and I took him to the train station, to go back to New York the next day and start an aftercare program. He was trying to manage his marriage and the children too. And she was leaving, it was over. So, he was living, pretty isolated in another house that he had out east in Long Island, and going to an aftercare program out there. I don’t think he necessarily needed help figuring out how to become worse. But he sure found people to join him in his efforts.
Margaret 23:08
And when you say that, meaning he got more ill with his addiction.
Cameron: Yeah.
Margaret: And it progressed.
Cameron 23:17
Yeah, absolutely. He would disappear. My sister and I would like, desperately tried to get a hold of him, keep resurface and act like nothing happened. At one point, he was doing something none of us knew. My father went and picked him up and took him to a hospital. He signed himself into the psych ward. It was just never ending. My little brother had gone out to see him and said he doesn’t make sense. He’s not doing well; he would never tell the truth. And so, we tried, but I think we were consumed with worry.
Margaret 24:01
And do you think the circling around going between you and your sister, your little brother, your dad, like was that a nonstop thing during this journey, too, with it always being on alert for the other persons.
Cameron 24:14
I was always on alert for my sister. My father and I did not necessarily agree and understand or look at addiction the same way. And he would constantly say, you know, he has to just stop and do something different. And I would try to explain the science of addiction and why you can’t just stop, and you know, there is hope for him, and people do recover. And he was pretty removed. I till this day. I don’t think he quote unquote, did enough. I think there was too much of a burden on myself and my sister to sort of save help. Whatever the word is our sibling
Margaret 25:02
Help. Any help at that point where you still both just plugging along doing the best you could with what your knowledge was? Or did you seek support from like an Al-Anon perspective, a codependent perspective, did you get that it was a family disease, it was still mainly, my brother’s in trouble, I gotta fix him.
Cameron 25:19
So, I understood that it was a family disease. And in the family system, I also think I had a different understanding and perspective of addiction. So, I was willing, I didn’t do it alone. And I’m not sure if it would have made the journey any different if no one else got well to. At the same time, there was also a level of, I worked in the system, and the support groups were filled with my clients. And, yeah, I wasn’t willing.
Margaret 26:00
That’s something I’m very well aware of. And having to get to a point of either finding my space or getting over myself and realize I’m just like them, I may be able to help them. But in this situation, we are all equals. But it is tricky. When you work in the field, and then you need the help but the same services you’re recommending to people you take care of.
One of the things that always astounds me, I’ll speak for myself, I’m amazed that though I know. I don’t do different. Like thank God, your family had you, truly to know, to check insurance to seek details, right? Like, that’s a miracle. Cause like you say, you know, and I know how hard that is for the average person where this lands in their lap, and they have no clue where to start. You know, it’s a family disease, you know, family systems. And yet, it’s amazing how when we are in it, all bets are off. We’re in survival mode, just like the person with the disease.
Cameron 27:07
It wasn’t until 2017 or 18. So, three to four years into the addiction, um, that I had to take a step back. I had graduated from grad school, and he was there, and he was, I think, sober. He did, certainly and shortly thereafter, I was getting married. I don’t know what happened to him. But he showed up at the rehearsal dinner um, late, kids and his ex-wife were there without him. And he consumed my wedding.
Margaret 28:02
I am so grateful to have been introduced to Cameron by a fellow podcast guest. I really appreciate her willingness to share the very difficult journey of loving her brother with the disease of addiction and finding a path through an onset of this disease that was later than traditionally most people experience.
Outro: Come back next week to hear more about how Cameron has navigated the disease and the progression of the disease. Sadly, her family lost Bryce to this awful disease. And none of us ever want to hear that is the outcome of this story. We know that this disease is chronic, progressive, and potentially fatal. And none of us want to ever accept that could be the outcome of our story. We live in fear every day of that outcome and have to navigate life on life’s terms with that fear ever pushing the Monkey Chatter in our heads. I really appreciate Cameron’s honesty, courage, and vulnerability in sharing her story with us.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website.
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
