I love Jennifer Storm’s passion and ability to teach in such a great way! In sharing her message, she’s been fearless. And in this episode, I love how she used Al-Anon principles to cope with the Monkey Chatter around people sharing their pain with her. What family member can’t relate?
No matter where you are on this journey of addiction, a family member or person with an addiction, in active recovery or not started. I hope Jennifer inspires you to take that next step.
I can be your first or next step.
On my website, I have a Work With Margaret Page,
fill it out, and we can set up a complimentary discovery call!
Below is a link to Jennifer’s extensive page for help and resources.
https://jenniferstorm.com/get-help/
See full transcript below.
00:00
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now, here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:16
Welcome back. Today, Jennifer, the author of Blackout Girl continues to share her story of recovery. And the work she does to help other people who have survived sexual trauma, and substance use disorder or other addictions find their way. She’ll also share more about families, and how to support and stand with a loved one who may have experienced any of these issues. Do your own emotional work is a very strong message that Jennifer will share. Let’s get back to her
00:53
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:03
So, what gave you the courage to write your story because your story is, you know, a memoir about substance use disorder, but also about gut level honesty of the damage of trauma, the consequences of the disease. I mean, it was, it was tough to read. I’ll say it that way. Grateful. There was parts of your story that mirror mine, which wasn’t really pleasant to read. But it was also really helpful to read, right? You feel less alone. I feel blessed that I’ve worked hard and overcome some things. I witnessed it in your story. What gave you the courage? Like, that’s hard stuff, that’s vulnerable?
Jennifer 01:43
Yeah. The writing of it was really not so much courage as it was your survival. For some reason, I intuitively knew that if I wanted to keep this thing that I had, which was the sobriety, recovery thing, I needed to unpack all these demons. And so, I did that through writing. And so, as I did that, and when I was looking at and reading other books, I was like, well, if I’m going to do this, I’m going to be brutally honest. Especially because we were at this time where people were being celebrated and understood, they weren’t honest. But I think also recovery taught me that brutal honesty was the only way.
And so, if I was going to write my story, I was going to write it as raw as it was. Because I also knew I wasn’t alone. You know, and even though this was in the early 2000s, and very few people were talking about sexual violence at that time, it was such a core component of my story. And I knew it was such a core component of almost every other woman’s story I had been around. That I was like, this is so much bigger. And this was before, like the Me To Movement or any of that stuff. But you knew, like I just knew, and then I got into victim services. And then I really began to see and understand and appreciate how massive the scope was and the impact. So, I think, you know, it had to be brutally honest. Otherwise, people wouldn’t have connected with it, people wouldn’t have seen themselves in it.
Margaret 03:06
So, writing it was survival. Talk to us about publishing it and then saying, okay, world, here you go.
Jennifer 03:13
Yeah! (laughter) Here’s all my scars. Yeah, I mean, the writing process was brutal, but also fine when I got the publisher that was like, so exciting. And then it was, you know, the back and forth of the publisher. And, you know, a lot of that forced me to rewrite some stuff and dig deeper and look at things differently. And there were actually a couple things I had to fight for and things I wish I would have fought harder for, and I did in the in the Revised Edition. I’m not sure did you read the original backup or are the revised?
Margaret 03:43
I think it’s the revised Yeah, because the me to movements explained it in some so it has to be the revised.
Jennifer 03:48
So you’re on the revised. So in the original because the man who raped me when I was 12, he was charged with like all these counts. And at the end of the day, my parents negotiated a plea deal to avoid having to put me on the stand. Which I was unaware of any of this right found out years later was super pissed off. And so, they allowed him to plead to criminal attempt rape. And so, because of that nuance, Hazelden back then, you know, they have learned and grown, but back then would not allow me to write the word rape. So, if you look at the first version of Blackout Girl, I had to say attempt rape, and it made me seethe.
Margaret: I bet.
Jennifer: like and I should have fought harder. I don’t know that I would have won against their legal counsel at that time. Because again, they were also operating in this new space where like, we don’t even talk about these things. But now she might be calling somebody a rapist to technically only went to prison for criminal attempt rape. You know, I’m sure that the conversations they had weren’t comfortable. But when I did the revised version, I was like, eh eh. No, Na language matters. Language matters and he raped me. And just because my parents in the system allowed him to plead to something lesser because they thought they were protecting me as a child. No. And thankfully, this team was like, Oh, absolutely. So, there were some, you know, some language battles?
Margaret: Sure.
Jennifer: And then it was, yeah, I mean, it was it was like, allowing the world to open my journal and read my darkest secrets.
Margaret 05:23
Yeah, that’s how I felt Jennifer reading it, I felt like you were willing to let me into some of your inner thoughts and some of your most vulnerable experiences and traumatic experiences. And so, that’s how it felt to me reading your journal, even though it was probably way more articulate and polish than your journal.
Jennifer 05:40
You know, it was scary. I had a couple a lot of sleepless nights before it came out a lot of panic attacks. And then I just kind of had to lean into it. And I wasn’t probably as prepared for the onslaught of what happened after it came out. And that’s something that I train on. And it is the interviews, right, like, I love interviews, I love I love doing media. But you don’t you don’t realize like, oh, in these interviews, you’re gonna have to revisit all this trauma again, because they’re gonna want to ask those questions, right?
So, I wasn’t as prepared for that. And then what I really wasn’t prepared for was the flooding of my inbox as people began to read it. And it’s it’s a book that has done modestly well. So, you know, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be like Brene Brown, or, you know, ironically enough, her her book and my book came out at the same time with Hazelden. And I got to meet with her I had I actually spoke with her at a conference, we were talking about publishing a book on LGBT experiences together. And then Oprah called, she just went in one direction. (laughter) And I kind of meandered with this other little direction.
Margaret 06:48
You’ve both done amazing things.
Jennifer 06:53
Well thank you, she can, she can feed her family off her books. I, you know, I’m lucky that you know, a couple people buy mine, but that’s okay. I wouldn’t want it, you know, I’m happy with how things turned out. But it was the emails and the readership. And when Blackout Girl came out, the only social media that existed back then was MySpace. So, I did start to get a little bit of that social media, but it was more through email. And then as social media became more normative, people would reach out to me, but it was the people just sharing their own stories. Like every email I opened was a disclosure. Every time I’d go speak, even today, every time I share my story, somebody discloses their own to me. And it’s wonderful. It’s beautiful, and it’s survivorship, and it’s connection. And it’s exhausting. I’ve had to learn to create boundaries around that, because in the beginning, I was like rushing to save all these people to be like, what can I say? How can I say like they’re hinging every you know, on my words.. And, you know, there was a couple really intense situations where I remember one night vividly where I think I wrote about this in the book, and the new edition where I had a girl reaching out to me who was actively attempting suicide. I did some detective sleuthing online, I managed to find her, I called the police department and attach it. And sure enough, she was, they got there. And you know, she then came to a book signing like a year later, and like, I still talk with her. But I was like, deeply committed to making sure like every single person who messaged me, got all of me until I realized there was none of me left. And so, I had to really set up boundaries around that now, I still will respond to every single message that comes my way. I do so now more though, as a messenger of resources, as opposed to the solution.
08:43
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Margaret 08:47
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09:15
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Margaret 09:25
So, you mean some Al-Anon concepts coming into play?
Jennifer 09:29
Yes. (Laughter) Very much. Yeah
Margaret 09:31
I think that’s so you know, because one of the things I thought about before we talked. So, your story touched me on a woman level, on a recovering woman level, on a survivor level because I’m also a survivor. And I’m like, okay, so I want to have her on but like, I’m talking mainly to family members. And I want to give something to them. So, I really appreciate us going into you know, what would you want it from your feet and so forth. But just that last comment about, I had to put boundaries around giving all of me away, is so typically stated by loved ones of people with substance use disorders, mental illnesses, health illnesses. So how did you do that? Like, what kinds of things have you learned to do in your journey to help you protect yourself.
Jennifer 10:27
A couple of things that I do like on my Facebook account, because that’s where I tend to get, that’s where I have the most, I think I have like close to six, or a little over 6000 folks on Facebook. So that’s where I tend to get the most messages. So, I have set up an automatic message that you know, is basically says, you know, I get a lot of messages, I will absolutely respond to you if this is an urgent matter, if you need immediate assistance. And then I will list all the links and the phone numbers and the hotlines These are the entities, like I’m not a crisis line. And I am not a therapist, and I can’t be that for you. I will resource you. And I will certainly respond to you. So, I did that. When people reach out, I am very clear about just that. I’m not a crisis line, I am not a therapist, and I will do my best to give you the resources that I may have at my disposal. And so, I acknowledge them, I validate them, and I resource them. And then I take my hands off of it, because that’s all I can do.
Margaret 11:23
You’re not their Higher Power.
Jennifer: No, no.
Margaret: You know, and that’s, that’s the language I try to use with family members, you want to be their mom, you want to be their spouse, not their Higher Power. We’re not capable of that for any other human being. And I’m sure you’ve met people and heard stories where the outcome of the story hasn’t been what you hoped for those people?
Jennifer 11:42
Oh, of course. I mean, there have been people that I’ve corresponded with that have then since died of drug overdoses. Parents, who then reached out to me to say my daughter loved your book, and you guys used to talk on Facebook, and I just want you to know, she’s no longer with us, like, just devastating, just absolutely devastating. And, you know, it’s, it’s heartbreaking.
Margaret 12:02
Thus the need to take care of yourself.
Jennifer: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Margaret: You obviously have a giving heart. And I don’t know if that’s the words you’d use. But I mean, your willingness to give it away, to show up for people, to stay active in a way that feels okay for you. And in order to keep doing that, if you don’t take care of yourself, right, it’s not possible,
Jennifer 12:26
Ooh, you can’t stay grounded in purpose. Like, I’m getting emotional, just thinking about it, right? Like you can’t. I am firmly rooted in the concept that you can’t give away that which you don’t have, right. It’s just like a basic tenet of recovery. It’s why you put the oxygen mask on yourself before you even put it on your child.
Margaret: Right.
Jennifer: You can’t breathe you can’t help somebody else breathe. And if you can’t, if you can’t figure out a way to show up in a genuine, I learned this in victim advocacy too. So, you have to remember to, I spent 20 years as a victim advocate. And so that was my role to resource, to help, to guide, to advocate, to accompany. And so, I learned real fast in that job, like ooh this is going to deplete me in two seconds. Like I got to figure out ways to replenish myself to untether myself from these stories from from these individuals. And that’s hard. And it takes time. And it takes practicing right and sampling a bunch of different things to see what really works. And sometimes what works for one emotion, or one situation, it’s not going to be what you need for another. So, I have a bunch of different tools.
Now my three tools are exercise, I’ve got to do high intensity workouts, because my trauma and my experience is physical, right. And so that helps. Meditation to slow my brain down to allow me to show up in a compassionate and loving way. And writing. Writing is always there.
Margaret 13:55
I wonder too, you know, I think about families out there who are in the throes of this with their loved ones. Do you think the growth, the learning, the journey of recovery are principles that help you also in this vein, right, like? Imparting hope for family members when they feel it’s so desperate and so dire, and oh my gosh, you’re an addict and nothing can be worse. How will life ever be good? Like I often think I wish everyone out there had exposure to 12 step recovery, like what a different world we live in.
Jennifer 14:33
Right? I Oh, I used to say that all the time, especially in the beginning. And I think that’s what still drives me. It’s like you want to give away what you got so freely. Right. It’s actually the final step. Right? It’s like what we’re supposed to do we carry the message.
Margaret: Right!
Jennifer: And so yeah, I mean, I feel there’s my life was saved. There has to be a purpose. I found that purpose. And so now I live in purpose. And a big part of that purpose is giving it back and explaining to other individuals that like, life can be amazing and magical doesn’t mean it’s easy. Life is hard. There are traumas and heartbreaks, and just really hard things that you can go through. But you can go through them in a way that brings you to a place that is, is healing as opposed to hurtful, right? Like, instead of compounding on life’s hard times, you can kind of move through them in a way that still allows you to see peace, and love, and joy, and light.
Margaret 15:31
Had you stayed active in your disease. Could you have had that?
Jennifer 15:35
No, I would be dead. I would be dead. Or quite frankly, worse,
Margaret: Right.
Jennifer: Living, living long term in the in the thick of it, ugh makes me physically ill, to think.
Margaret 15:51
And thankfully, that isn’t your story today.
I just love Jennifer’s passion, and her ability to teach in such a great way! In sharing her message, she’s been fearless. And in this episode, I love how she used Al-Anon principles to cope with the Monkey Chatter around people sharing their pain with her. What family member can’t relate. No matter where we are on this journey of addiction, a family member or person with an addiction. Recovery happening, not started. I hope Jennifer inspires you to take that step. And coming back next week you’ll hear more about how to take that difficult first step in reaching out.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website.
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you
