Yesterday would have been Travis’s 40th Birthday. My heart has been with Danni and her family, thinking of the many emotions they might be experiencing. I am sending them all hugs.
In today’s episode, Danni shares more of her grief journey. A journey it has been in all senses of the word. The definition of journey is:
an act or instance of traveling from one place to another.
Danni’s grief journey includes the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of the journey, and her book exquisitely shared details of each of them.
Today Danni reads a part of her book for us all, and I am in awe of Danni’s ability to be vulnerably open and generous to let us all into her deeply personal journey through family addiction and loss.
Find resources on my website:
and on Danni’s website:
See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now, here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:25
Welcome back. Today, Danni shares more about the many ways she continues to involve Travis in her life. And the help he provides so many. Part of Danni’s mission is to raise awareness about the stigma and shame associated with the family disease of addiction. Today, Danni gives us a real treat by sharing an excerpt from her book, Shoot My Ashes From a Cannon, she expounds on the process of grieving and writing. Let’s get back to Danni.
01:03
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:17
So, through the loss of Travis, you have channeled parts of your loss to making a difference in destigmatizing and educating. Done service, service work.
Danni 01:35
And I get back a whole lot from these kids. It really just does mine and Pete’s heart good. They let us attend their meetings when they’re at our land. And one guy picked up my book this year, I had it out there. And he read the whole thing before he left. And I said you don’t have to finish it. You can take it, I’ll let you have it. But they’re just so strong people, these young addicts, they’re my heroes. It takes a lot of work. And it’s a way of giving back. And honoring Trav.
Margaret 02:09
Yeah, it’s beautiful. So, you touched on your land?
Danni: Yes.
Margaret: So, there’s some humor in the book of Pete getting this land.
Danni: Mm hmm.
Margaret: And your feelings about it? What has the evolution of the land been for you?
Danni 02:27
When I saw it, it was hundreds of acres and it was filled with thick cactus, and mesquite and an old, old nasty trailer on it. And I wasn’t real happy about it I was just like this is the ugliest piece of property I’ve ever seen. Pete being an engineer, had a vision. And when we looked out for it, we built our house, I said, I want you to have our land look like the people’s land across from us. That was all nice and manicured and no cactus. And in two years, he cleared the place. And it’s now a very healing, beautiful place. He put his heart into it and proved me wrong. It was a pretty spot.
Margaret 03:15
Do you think that was his grief project?
Danni 03:19
Yep. Pete is a workaholic. And that’s just how he deals with it. That kinda was a problem with us in our grief journey. But I knew that. He’s always been like that. But the Christi Center helped us. I could see other spouses, the same thing, you know, just to be able to talk about it. So that has helped. He works. And that’s his grief. I used to tell him he wasn’t grieving, right. And then I learned everyone can grieve in their own way. And he’s, he’s done well.
Margaret 03:51
And the kids helped with the land too, right?
Danni 03:54
Yes, they did. They loved it just like he did when they first saw it. But they helped, they want to build a fire pit and so they built a big fire pit and I put mosaics and tokens around it from some of the parents out of the Christi Center. And it’s our place to go. It’s called Moon Dog Forest after Travis and we used to joke and tell him we were going to name him Moon Dog and he was always kind of mad that we didn’t. So, we named the forest after him. Now our grandson is Wiley Moon Dog and they actually had that on the birth certificate. A lot of people think that’s really strange, and it is, but I love that they did that.
Margaret 04:37
I think it’s beautiful. It continues to have Travis be a very integral part of your family even though he’s gone from your physical life.
Danni 04:46
Yeah, we pretty much carry him everywhere and especially at the land on his angel date or birthday, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. One time we did welding, Pete was trying to teach us to weld, we do release sky lanterns, Caleb and them came up with giant bubbles that we do and so we just do fun stuff. We eat his favorite cereal and do ‘remember when’ stories, so we talk about him and just keep him alive in our hearts.
Margaret 05:20
And he’s led to, in his story and the love you hold for him, helping so many.
Danni 05:25
He has, I think he has. And I think his letters that we received from people after he died, spoke a whole lot to us. And it helped us understand more the pain and what he went through and what hard work it was. To me, his words are the most powerful part of the book.
Margaret 05:48
People can’t see us, because we don’t air the video, but we do it so that we can see one another to make it feel more like a conversation that’s authentic. And you shared with me that you’re sitting in your closet, which I’m in a closet too, because the sounds better in there. I have a piece next to me, I’ll share with you in a minute. But before I go there, I pictured you sitting in your closet when I read your book. Because I know you did a lot of your writing. That was your place. I feel so privileged and humbled that you are sitting in that spot that helped you create this masterfully beautiful, vulnerable book, that you’re letting us be in there with you. It’s like sacred space. When you as a mother sit and write your truth down in the way that you did. It’s a risk. And to let people into the space that allowed you to do it. You tell me, how did it feel to sit in that closet?
Danni 06:45
You know, it was where I found peace. And it was where I could go. And the boys and Pete couldn’t hear me wailing. In the beginning. I never knew what that word meant until I heard me do it. And I had Travis’s pit bull Tyson, in there with us. And it was hard. But it was also a place I could go, I made me a vision board. And I put Bible verses and quotes and the Serenity Prayer. And I also eventually had my book published by 2018. And I was short a little bit, but it helps someone who tell me about that. And I’ve heard it for years, but it would be my place, I could come and look at the quotes and say, “be still and know that I am God”. And I would drop a word off after each time and do the deep breathing. And by the time I got to the ‘be’, I would be just more calm. So, it’s a routine that I try to do a lot because it’s just a good way for me to calm down. And Pete finally figured out what I was doing. And he thought that it was just so weird. And I was like I’m sorry just stay out (laughter).
Margaret 08:02
Well, I that speaks to what you said earlier, that, that we all find our way on our journey. And so, for him, it was active and on the land. And it was a connection to Travis and a continuation of the service that obviously is very fundamental in your family. And for you, you had to go inward in this way to then make something that went outward to help so many,
Danni 08:24
Yeah, I would have to you know, go to the dark place, and read and I would just write down words or something. But it was hard. And actually, it was Sandy Swinson, that she suggested that I go deeper. And I remember she had come out to the land. And we were talking, and she said, maybe it would be nice to write Travis letters. And then I just teared up and she went, oh, you know, I’m so sorry. I was like, no, you’re right. So that helped. And it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, because I had to go and just grieve all over again. But I felt like that was the only way anyone would ever understand the heart of a mother or what addiction can do. And then also the heart of an addict. So, I just felt like it was something I needed to do. And it’s probably been the most growing experience I could ever have done.
09:24
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Margaret 09:37
So, you capture in your writing in the letters, you do that. But you also put in quotes that I adore, that when I read them, I imagine they were touchstones for you in your healing, in your survival. Is that true? Is that why the quotes are so integral in the book?
Danni 09:58
Yeah, they’ve always been part of my life and I just, I like the idea of having them in there.
Margaret 10:06
Me too. There’s some I will steal, but I’ll give you credit.
Danni 10:08
Sure, I would love you to.
Margaret 10:13
I will! I wonder if there’s some passage or part of the book that you would like to read to the audience and share? Is there a piece that you feel led to share with, knowing the audience is mainly family members? I mean, they may have a hard time hearing this because of course, this would be their worst fear. But there’s also I hope, and I pray, people out there who have walked in your path and lost someone, and never necessarily had the resources you’ve acquired through your grief groups, and you’ll Al-Anon. So, is there anything you’d like to share?
Danni 10:48
Why Don’t I read the one about my closet?
Margaret: Love it.
Danni: Okay.
Dear Travis, I wanted to find a way that I can still talk to you. Communicating through a letter or note still seems the most comfortable way. There are times when I need a place to go and sit and be alone with my thought. It seems like I always end up in my closet sitting on the floor hidden by my clothes. Your sweet dog Tyson found this place too, so we share this hideaway. I have a soft blanket for him to lie on, my chair is the floor and lean against the wall and just think, feel, and breath. I think that your dad thinks I’m weird, but he is getting used to the new me. Our new normal, it’s sucks.
Love you brown eyed boy, Mom.
Margaret 11:38
Yeah. And I remember when I read that I literally visualized you in that space. And I have two daughters, cannot comprehend how it would feel. I like to believe I would do something like you have chosen to do, which was in time and when I was able to do service and help. Did you get angry?
Danni 12:05
I did get angry. I was angry at the disease. And I took my anger out on Pete, I guess you pick the one that you feel the most comfortable and safe with. So, I’m still tried to learn to not put my anger towards him. He did learn that he knew after going to Christi Center that it’s something like about 10 days that I would start feeling anger before Travis’s Angel Day, before he died, and before his birthday. And so, he’s figured that out now, it’s just kind of like, just leave me alone, give me some space. Or either now we do things and celebrate Travis. And it took some time for us to figure that out. I just knew I was feeling all this and then I would take it out on Pete. So now he knows just remember. That’s part of it.
Margaret 13:03
Well, I think Danni, that’s so important too, because anyone who has not experienced a loss, let alone a loss of a child, let alone under these circumstances, you don’t realize til you’re going through it, the patterns that are evolved, or the strange triggers that create a different feeling than you expect at that time. And so, I think that’s really helpful to share with people that around those important anniversaries or dates, it can look different for you. That you can be doing a lot of steady, stable, even joyful moments but around those anniversaries, there may be more anger or more sadness or more irritability, and that that doesn’t necessarily disappear even with years after.
Danni 13:49
Yeah, it stays with you. And I know Caleb, my youngest son, when he was dating during this time, that she called me, and she said he needs to be with you. And I’m so grateful that Ashley could see that. And also, that Caleb would just show up at the house. He just needed to be with us. And I’m grateful that he wanted to be with us. And Eric is a little bit less inclined to do that. So early on, I kind of asked him, I said, Eric, if you’re not going to go to any grief support, do you have people that you’re talking to? And he said yes. And in fact, we were out at the land about a year ago and he had a group of friends out there. And he asked us out, which we were surprised to meet some of his friends were like, well, yeah, that’s kind of nice. At his age, that he would do that. So, we went out there and some of the girls were overlooking. They want to see some pictures or something and they said is that Travis? It’s so I went, yes and then inside, I was just going, oh my god, he does talk to them. That, you know, he is talking about his brother and stuff. And so that made me feel good. So just little things like that, you know, you just don’t expect and then Pete and I feel like, you know, they not only lost their brother, but in a way, they lost the parents they used to know. So, we had to feel like that. now I think we’re all pretty much back to normal. We talk a lot about Travis, and we get sad together.
Margaret: Of course.
Danni: And a lot of laughing together to.
Margaret 15:41
I hear that. You know, it’s quite evident in your in your writings that that humor was a part of your family. And you had adventurous people in your life between you, and your family. There’s some adventurers in there.
Dannie: Mm hmm. Yes.
Margaret: I don’t want to give too much away, because I want people to read the book. But I think they will anyway, because they’re going to hear your story and be intrigued to read more. But are you willing to share a little bit about your big adventure you did for yourself?
Danni 16:08
Yes. And part of the reason was because of my son Eric, doing his own adventure and hiking and so I blame that on him. (laughter) But yeah, I had seen the movie The Way, back in like 2013. And it was about a man that walked the 500-mile pilgrimage in Spain when his son died, to honor his son. And so, I checked with two of my friends, Kate and Elda, that I knew from the Christi Center. They had also lost a son, and they watched it. And then we got together and went to Enchanted Rock near Kerrville where we decided to climb, and do stuff and then talk afterwards, about if they wanted to go try to do this pilgrimage.
So that’s how that evolved. And we trained for eight months and broke in shoes and got up to about 12 miles a day. And then in 2014, we set off with our backpacks, they each, think mine weighed about 20 something pounds, and that had everything. It was like my closet. It had everything I was going to need for a little over three weeks. And I didn’t think I could pack like that. You know, you’re going to be carrying it. We wore no makeup. I think I had three shirts, two pairs of pants and a rain jacket. Anyway, it was very little. And it was probably the highlight of my life, besides having my boys, and Pete. But I had never really done a trip like this by myself. And I know, Pete said, well, I don’t want to do that. And I was like good, because I don’t want you to go with me. (laughter) I knew I’d have you carry my backpack or something. (laughter)
And it was just good for me to see what I could do on my own and very healing. And just something I’ll remember forever to do. And we had so many of our sons’ moments where we just knew they were with us. And I grew a lot. You know, I had, I had more confidence that. Yeah, I can do something like this. And I think my boys were thrilled, even though Eric said, “don’t you think you’re taking off a little bit too much”? I was like, nope. So, it was fun. It was a good time.
Margaret 18:57
And it was strategic who you picked.
Danni 19:01
Yes! All of us came into the Christi Center at about the same time. Elda had lost her son to drugs. Kate had lost her son in a car wreck. But we had just bonded, and we all liked to walk, so it was just kind of let’s go for it. So, we did, and we put a lot of thought, it was something that we didn’t take serious, we took it very serious because we knew, you know we’re in for it.
Margaret 19:35
To use Sandy Swenson’s description. “Danni’s words are exquisitely painful and achingly gorgeous”.
We will hear more from Danni as she shares her physical, emotional, and spiritual stages of the journey with addiction and loss. Come back next week, to hear more from Danni.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website,
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
