Who hasn’t wanted to write one of those Christmas letters with unfiltered truth?
Well, today’s guest did precisely that. Danni courageously wrote her unbridled truth in her annual Christmas letters. You see, Danni and Pete were parenting three sons, all with the disease of addiction.
As Danni says:
“By writing these letters, I could spill my guts and figure out what was going on with me emotionally, so I am grateful my family gave the thumbs-up to send them. This is the story of my family and the power of letters.”
Over the next few episodes, Danni will share her story filled with love, humor, and painful truths.
Meet Danni Fourton Morford the author of
‘Shoot My Ashes From A Cannon’
Beyond Addiction
The Letters
Buy this beautiful book and find resources here:
https://shootmyashes.com/
See full transcript of episode below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. A place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:24
Welcome back, I feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to produce this podcast it has definitely been a passion project for me, to share all aspects of this family disease of addiction. Today will be no different.
Sadly, like many chronic, progressive, and potentially fatal diseases, there are no guarantees.
I am privileged and humbled to introduce you to Danni Morford, a courageous lady who invited all of us into her journey loving three boys with substance use disorders. Through her book entitled, Shoot My Ashes from a Cannon. Tragically, Danni and her family lost one of the boys, Travis to this no-fault disease. This book is one of the most beautiful compilations of heart, humor, and painful truths. Please meet Danni.
01:25
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret 01:38
First of all, do we have a drink of water?
Danni: Yeah,
Margaret: let’s do a little sip of our water. So, I am so thrilled Danni to have you with me. You know, we met truly by a recommendation of your book being given to me by Sandy Swenson. And me grabbing it and reading it. And the book title is Shoot My Ashes from a Cannon, Beyond Addiction, The Letters.
And I was touched in so many ways by your writing. And so, if we can today, I’d love to just chat with you about your story in general, and also what led you to this writing? And why you chose letters and some of those interesting behind the scenes conversations about your book.
To anyone out there who has been touched by the disease of addiction, this book has some beautiful quotes and some heartfelt letters, that I know people will connect with no matter where they’re on the journey.
But, Danni, when you look at how disease came into your life, the disease of addiction. Was your exposure to it through your children. Did you have exposure to addiction before your children?
Danni 02:58
No, I really didn’t. You know, I grew up when I heard about addiction or alcoholism, I just pictured someone in the gutter or the street. And living with it I’ve seen the big difference, that it could be anybody it doesn’t you know, anyone can be susceptible to it. And, and I had no idea that my child could start so early.
Margaret 03:29
So, when did the disease become a member of the family? At what age in the children
Danni 03:35
At age 12? With Travis.
Margaret 03:38
So maybe we should back up a little. You’re married?
Danni: Yes.
Margaret: And you have three?
Danni 03:45
Three boys. Had three boys? Uh huh.
Margaret 03:49
Do you say had or have?
Danni 03:51
I usually do say have because I always have him. And you know if people say different things, then eventually I might say, well one of them has passed.
Margaret 04:03
But he’s a part of your family always will be.
Danni: Yes. Yes.
Margaret: You have the three boys and addiction came into your life with Travis when he was 12. Is he the only one that has the disease of addiction?
Danni 04:19
No. We ended where all three of our boys were susceptible to it. And it was about 2000 when we noticed that Caleb and Eric, we’re dealing with stuff. We’d been so caught up with Travis that, you know, we weren’t seeing the other signs. So, all three of them had times that they all went to treatment, and it was very chaotic in our house.
Margaret 04:47
And the window of that chaos started with Travis at 12 and went through to what age? Where would you say that some of the chaos was lessened?
Danni 04:57
Probably around 2006, when Travis had gone to treatment in Louisiana, and then when he came home. We had a few years where things were really good. But towards the end, he was with a girl that he had met in treatment. And I think that he, well we know that he was doing very well. He had a job that he was supposed to start, as a personal trainer. He had gotten certified, and he was supposed to start the job. And I saw him right around five o’clock. And so, something happened, where he was hurt at a pool party, they were at a pool party. And then someone gave him some meds, some Xanax, and then it just kind of skyrocketed. From everything that we knew he was doing well and was trying really hard. We think that he was going to make it this time, and he didn’t. So.
Margaret 06:03
And I cannot imagine, first of all three children battling this disease. And we’ll talk about how you found your way through that. And then to have one of your children lose their life due to this illness. And coming through that how you live with that as the new normal of your family structure. Do you think that’s why the book came to be?
Danni 06:33
I think so. I think I’ve always journaled and just written and when I was doing the Christmas letters, I did em yearly because I got tired of the letters that we received that were so then sound normal to me.
Margaret 06:52
Well, maybe we should stop there and touch on that a little. Because, you know, one of the things that just caught me immediately when I read your book, was that reality of the Christmas letters, right? We all know them, we receive them. And these descriptors of the “perfect families”. Yeah, you know, Johnny’s doing this, Sally’s doing this. Here’s our pictures, you know, beautiful. And I hope for people they are authentic. You chose to do something very different with your Christmas letters.
Danni 07:25
It was a way that, I had been going to Al-Anon since about 2000. And I continue to still go to Al-Anon, not quite like two or three times a week, but I do go. And I felt comfortable in the rooms. And I felt like I could share the letters. And so, it got to be a yearly thing where people knew I would have my letter a few days before Christmas. And I had permission of the boys and Pete to do it. In fact, they love doing it, and um didn’t love being the stars in it. But they knew and I think they knew that I was trying to be honest about our families. So, it was mainly in Al-Anon yeah.
Margaret 08:09
And so, you made the choice to write your Christmas card with truths, examples of the diseases impact on the lives of yourselves, your children. That’s what you committed to doing in your letters. That’s how it appears to me. Is that accurate?
Danni 08:24
Yes, yes. And, you know, I think in doing that, it’s like more people were willing to talk. You know, once you kind of open up, it’s like, people go, oh, yeah, I had this happen or that happen. And I really wasn’t ashamed about it. It’s just, it was our family. And we have a lot of love. And we did the best we could. And the boys used to not like me going to Al-Anon because they thought I would just be talking about them. And they didn’t realize, yeah, we might mention them some, but I was working on myself. And eventually they would tell me you need to go to a meeting. Yeah, (laughter) or asked to maybe talk to a friend of theirs mother that they were having a hard time.
09:13
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Margaret 09:26
Danni, that’s beautiful. The power of how our recovery impacts those we love. We end up in the rooms to find ways to usually fix them. And then we start healing and working on ourself. And at first there’s in maybe a threat of or you’re talking about me, to wow mom, I really would love you to go to a meeting which is what we want for them to do so badly. Then, would you mind talking to my friend whose mom is struggling. I mean, how beautiful is that message?
Danni 10:04
Well, I learned a lot from my kids. And also, by me doing the steps. I understood when they were in treatment, or when they were having to do the steps, what it was like. And I know one time Travis asked me, he said, how do you relapse? And I, when I enable, and he was like, okay, and I said, Yeah, Travis, we relapse just in a different way. So, we were able to have conversations and stuff like that, and it was kind of neat.
Margaret 10:42
That’s more than kind of neat, Danni. Yeah, that’s beautiful. To me, that’s the epitome of why I encourage so many people to find their own recovery. To be able to have a conversation where you come from a similar place, you understand it as a no-fault disease, you realize that it’s impacted both of you, in very paralleled ways that you can discuss openly without defensiveness and beating each other up. So, when these letters went to your Al-Anon, friends, did you eventually send them to everybody, or from the get-go? They went out to everybody,
Danni 11:14
They went out to everybody.
Margaret: from the get go!
Danni: And I ended up getting a lot of people that just loved them. And I also had friends that used to write those letters. They don’t send them to us anymore. They they’re more honest, when they send them, which is nice. I think part of what I’m trying to do is teach people about addiction. So, I have to just kind of tell them in the letters.
Margaret 11:43
Well you did that, not only did you teach them about the collateral damage of the disease, that it isn’t a straight trajectory, they get well, and they move on, like you taught them that. But you also destigmatized it as a mom seeking help for yourself. Because in your letters, you talk about, you know, your own recovery, not only what’s going on the good and the bad and the ugly with the disease, but your own recovery?
Danni 12:08
Yes,
Margaret 12:09
did you consciously do that, or it just was the evolution of the letters?
Danni 12:13
You know, I think it’s just how I am, you know, when I was doing the letters, and then when I finally got to the point where maybe I should work on a book with him, I had the negative thinking like, well, who is going to want to read this? I think it was Travis and just landed on my heart to go for it. And I think at the age I’m getting, it’s the last phase I’m going to be in, and I need to get out of my comfort zone. So that’s what I’m doing.
Margaret: Yeah.
Danni: And hopefully it will help.
Margaret 12:51
When you say who would want to read this. The isolation of the diseases one step. That’s really hard for many people. The loss of a child to this disease, or a spouse, or a parent, is another level of isolation. There are, sadly, millions of people who need your book. Think about you when you’re going through it, to have somebody out there who had experienced this type of loss and would just come beside you and not try to make you feel better or move you through it. But just let you be in your grief and understand that some days, it feels incomprehensible. We can’t get through it. And other days, you’ll find yourself laughing and feel almost guilty about it.
Danni 13:37
Yeah, yeah. And I give my group meeting, my parents meeting Al-Anon. I went there about a week after Travis died. And they’re like my second family. And, you know, I could cry there, and use to when I started going to the Al-Anon I thought it was weak, to cry or to show that much emotion. But boy did I learn it takes a lot of courage to do that. And it’s healing. And it’s nice to be in a room with people that understand, and I learned so much from other people in the rooms. So, I give him credit for allowing me to have my grief and for talking with me and being there for so many years.
Margaret 14:26
And what’s more gracious and beautiful about that on the part of your group, is what your experience was their biggest fear. Yes. And they still showed up for you and sat with you and loved on you supported you, despite their biggest fear of being what you were living.
Danni 14:44
You’re right. In fact, I had several of them tell me that when they saw that I was at the meeting that night that they really want it to just go and leave the room. And they’re glad that they didn’t. But you know, I got that in the grocery store wherever I could see people. And if they saw me, they would actually turn around and go the other way. And I knew from my Christi meeting the grief support group, from the Susan, the head of it, that that happened to her, and she would end up just chasing them down and having them speak to her. I didn’t ever do chase them down. But it did allow me from that meeting to know that we are looked at is different. And then it made me wonder, how are my boys coping with it? They won’t go to the grief support groups, and you just have to hope that they figure it out. Or they learn what Pete NACA chair when we went to them.
Margaret 15:50
I’ve done quite a bit of work in grief and loss, because it’s a passion point of mine. And even I have to admit, as a professional, when I started looking at the training, there was this irrational fear of am I inviting this to come into my home? Is this preparatory for what I might experience. And thankfully, due to the wise people that I was training with, and just the passion I have that this is a subject that is so critical for all of us to have support with. Whether it be the tragedy of losing a child, to your parent passing, to your partner. I mean, grief is part of every one of our lives. And I understand that discomfort of someone in the aisle seeing you have fear of what do I say? How do I say it? If I get too close, then I have to look at my own mortality or fears for my children or my person. Like, that’s a big part of why people move away rather than lean in.
Danni 16:55
Uh huh. And I think that’s part of what Susan Cox does with a Christi Center. She has learned over these many years to educate people about grief. And sometimes its starting with your family. I think people try, they don’t realize how important it is to mention your loved ones named that’s passed, and to talk about them and do memories. And that’s our place to try to teach them because grief hasn’t always been easy to talk about. But especially with a child.
Margaret 17:31
Did you ever feel bitter that you had to teach people how to be there for you? Or did you feel because you had built in a network of support within the Christi groups and Al-Anon that you were okay, because you were getting filled up there to do a little of that work elsewhere?
Danni 17:47
I don’t think I felt bitter. You know, I’d say more like to sad. And I knew from Susan and everything that people didn’t know that they might be saying something that was hurtful, or they didn’t say something at all. And, you know, I don’t think anyone does it on purpose.
Margaret 18:08
No I agree. I think it is fueled by one’s own limitations of how would I cope? So, Travis had found some recovery before you lost him to the disease?
Danni 18:18
Yes, we were able to do two family trips, we went to Disney World. We did that when they were really little, and we had more fun at that age when we did it. Late like that we had a really good time. And then we went to Europe for three weeks with all three of them. And it was such a blessing. We got to have that time. We had no idea that this would happen. So, we feel very fortunate that we had that.
Margaret 18:50
Tell the listeners if you’re willing, when you found out what you went through. And then how you built your support network. I mean, you went to Al-Anon a week later. So, you already had that support network established in your own recovery. What a blessing, right?
Danni: Yes.
Margaret: but I know you added other things in that have helped you with your grief journey. So, are you willing to share that part of the story?
Danni 19:21
Sure. One thing at Travis’s at our home after the service, there was so many of their friends that tell me they were tired of losing their friends to the disease. And I just said, let me catch my breath. And I’ll try to do something. So, six weeks after Travis died, I did the, along with I think four or five of my friends. We did the Disease Of Addiction and the town hall meetings, and I think the first night it was at Westlake High School for Travis and the boys went and we had no idea how many people would show up and there was about 600 people that came. And we had a panel of experts about addiction, and some different parents that had dealt with it. And then we ended up doing like brown bag lunches in a lot of the schools in Austin. And that went on for a couple of years. And then my main helper, her daughter was graduating, and she just couldn’t do any more. So, it kind of know more on the Disease Of Addiction. But mainly, it is stay in and have enough passion with trying to end the stigma and shame and Pete and I have stayed involved with the recovery network here. We’re with a Sober High School and with Alpha 180, and used to be Austin Recovery, and I think that’s the biggest part, is knowing and having a passion. That makes it a little bit like Travis didn’t die in vain. And I can honor him like that. So that’s kind of where I’ve come from.
Margaret 21:15
I know none of us wants to ever experience our child’s loss. Tragically in this disease, it happens way too often. I am so enormously grateful for Danni’s courage to share her story. Come back next week to hear more of Danni’s experience, strength and hope.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website.
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
