It is here…
Tom’s Tiger Talk!!
Enjoy, and don’t be afraid to listen twice as Tom is such a quick speaker.
The Tiger Talk is a visual masterpiece with humor and experience that makes this a great way to better understand the disease of addiction.
Tom’s analogy helps a person with a substance use disorder learn to separate themselves from the disease.
While explaining this disease, family members begin to understand its baffling nature and hopefully learn to take it less personally.
See full transcript of episode below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction.
Now, here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
00:23
Intro: Welcome back, today is the day where you get to experience Tom’s Tiger talk! Enjoy, and don’t be afraid to listen twice as Tom is such a quick speaker but filled with wonderful humor and experience that makes this such a great way to understand the disease better. Let’s hear from Tom.
00:45
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 00:58
So back to our tiger! So, you had this thing about tigers, but you got to a point of deciding you are going to, or it happened organically create this scenario or story around a tiger to demonstrate separating the person from the disease. So, would you do us the honor of sharing how that story goes?
Tom 01:19
Absolutely. And if I could do that, like I’m gonna do two quick readings from the Narcotics Anonymous basic text and the Big Book, which kind of ties in and the whole thing with the tiger lecture is based on step one. And for anyone out there that’s not familiar the steps, step one is we admitted we were powerless over our addiction that our lives had become unmanageable.
And I was the guy that I tried to rush to the 12 steps, and he was some kind of race and I kept falling on my face left and right. And I am a huge proponent of step one, you know, where I go, who I hang out with what I do is all predicated on protecting my recovery. In Lord of the Rings terms, it’s the ring that rules them all. Being an alcoholic does not define everything about me. But if I take my eye off that one ball, everything collapses, my family, my friends, my career, my finances, my physical health, mental health, etc. And so, the whole idea is kind of internalizing step one, and really kind of guarding my life around that. And that’s the biggest piece that I think both addicts and alcoholics and the family members really misjudge is it’s a lifestyle change. And if I don’t really prioritize this, because again, going back to one of your earlier comments that love unfortunately, can’t do it. And what happens a lot of times is on the addict alcoholic side, we go to treatment, we have this naive notion that everything will be cured, the family oftentimes have that same night notion. And so, we come back, and they just want us to jump full force into life. And you don’t need to go to those meetings, because now that you’re better spend more time with your kids or this or that. And unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. And that’s where a lot of times it happens.
So, with step one and stuff from Alcoholics Anonymous basic text, which by the way, you know, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, written in 1939, foundation of all 12-step recovery, phenomenal book, however, because it was written then, these words and phrases in ways we don’t sometimes, it can be kind of a tough read. Now that I work, you know, a lot of times with women, women had just gotten the right to vote 15 years earlier. So, there’s he, there’s God, there’s different things that can throw up people’s barriers, and they kind of miss the point of the 12 steps all together.
But you know, the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text is another take on it and is written in 1970. Very straightforward language. Recovery is good drugs are bad, my kind of stuff. (laughter) And it really gave me a greater appreciation, frankly, for the Big Book.
And one of the things I absolutely love about it is right in their preamble at every meeting, they clearly identify alcohol as a drug. They also think a lot of us we try to justify and rationalize that if it’s prescribed, it’s okay, if it’s legal, it’s okay, this kind of stuff. And I mean, the irony is when the, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous was getting formed, alcohol was illegal, you know, the legality doesn’t matter at all. It’s my ability to stop using it once I start.
But essentially, with the tiger lecture and stuff, statistically, nine out of 10 people have one reaction to drugs and alcohol. One out of 10 of us have this other reaction, which sets off this crazy, obsessive, you know, process. It’s been classified as disease by the American Medical Association, American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the World Health Organization, about 12 other organizations that probably are a little bit smarter than me. But I still had a big problem with that, because again, as it says, we don’t want to think we’re bodily and mentally different from our fellows. And the problem is, it is a brain disease. Judgment, rational, logic all gets impaired.
If I come up to you at a party and say, hi, my name is Tom, and I’ve got a brain disease, I have a lot of trouble learning from my own mistakes in the course of our friendship, you know, I’ll probably let you down emotionally, and do some bad things. I’ll probably borrow money from you and not pay you back. It’s very possible in of course of our friendship, that I might steal your wallet, and then help you look for it. Very possible, that 13 or 14 of my closest grandmother’s might pass away so I can explain where I was. And then they’ll pass away again, you know, later on just so I can again, explain it. And I’ll turn it on you like why don’t you have 13 grandmother’s everyone does, this kind of stuff.
But the whole idea is we really buy into what we’re saying, and we take people along for the ride and it’s ridiculous, but the whole idea is the sooner people can identify do they actually have this abnormal reaction, or not? Is really important. But from the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, it talks about our inability to control our usage of drugs as a symptom of the disease of addiction. We are powerless not only over drugs, but over our addiction as well. We need to admit this fact in order to recover. Addiction is a physical, mental and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives. The physical aspect of our disease is a compulsive use of drugs, the inability to stop using once we’ve started. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession or overpowering desire to use even when we’re destroying our lives. The spiritual part of our disease is our total self-centeredness. We felt that we could stop whenever we wanted to, despite all evidence to the contrary. Denial, substitution, rationalization, justification, distrust of others, guilt, embarrassment, dereliction, degradation, isolation, and loss of control are all results of our disease. Our disease is progressive, incurable, and fatal. Most of us are relieved to find out we have a disease instead of a moral deficiency.
The other piece with the disease thing is none of us like to think that, you know, I mean, diabetes and asthma, which both have a higher relapse rate. It’s not like I sneak out in the middle of the night to get diabetes. You know, I don’t lie to my family and friends about my diabetes, I don’t pawn my possessions to get more diabetes. And so, we try to move it to this, it’s hard because I was the one that did all these ridiculous behaviors to justify it.
But from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, most of us have been unwilling to admit we are real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vein attempts to prove we could drink like other people, the idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking as the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics, this is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed. Not tweaked, not adjusted, but smashed,
Margaret 06:58
Not put on hold, thinking we can do it later. Yeah.
Tom 07:01
Right. So, which leads into the tiger lecture, and the story and I learn in stories and analogies and things like that.
And so essentially, you’re walking along one day, and you come across a baby tiger cub. And like most of us, when we come across the baby tiger cub, we have a similar thought process something along the lines of “Bujujubu boo boo boo” (laughter) because baby tiger cubs are freaking adorable.
Now, on this day that you’re wandering along, perhaps you’ve been struggling with anxiety, and when you pick up this little furball and feeling permeates your chest, you feel your nerves start to quiet, you feel a sense of calm, perhaps you’ve been struggling with depression or hopelessness. And again, when you pick up this little furball, you feel a sense of hope, a sense of connection, sometimes for the first time in a long time. Maybe you’ve been struggling with boredom or loneliness, suddenly, you’ve got something to do and someone to do it with. This is the greatest thing ever. And a lot of us fall in love at first sight. We take this baby tiger cub home. At first everything is wonderful. He sleeps on my pillow at night purring loudly, I sleep better than I ever have. And I wake up in the morning refreshed, ready to tackle the day. And all I have to do is feed them a little bit, put him in the cage and I can go about my other business. I can play with my children. I can go to work, I can pay my bills, I can handle my responsibilities. I engage in hobbies and interests. And when I come home, I’ve got something to look forward to. And it is wonderful. Now our baby tiger cub at first is no big deal. But he does, we do notice right away that he does like to eat on a periodic basis. And our baby tiger cub likes to eat alcohol, methamphetamine, crack cocaine, marijuana, benzodiazepines, opiates, and at first, it’s no big deal, because it’s just a 30-pound baby tiger cub. So, I just feed them a little bit, put him in the cage, close the door, and I go about my other responsibilities. I hang out with my children, I go to work, I pay my bills, I engage in hobbies and interests, etc. And again, when I have something, you know, I come home, no big deal.
Now the thing is a lot of us we start getting really enamored with our tiger. Because when we’re in close proximity to our Tiger, we really do feel less anxiety, less depression, more creative, more hopeful, more social. It’s the greatest thing ever. And a lot of us we want to take it out a little bit more often. You know some of us that struggle with shyness or loneliness. You know, we figured out quickly that if you bring a baby tiger cub to a party, people notice you, because everyone wants to be near the person with the baby tiger cub because they’re awesome. Some of us are noticing some other random things that are just magical about a baby tiger cub. I know for myself, for instance, when I’m in close proximity, I suddenly have way more rhythm, a lot more dance moves, more confidence. How are you doing? And so again, we become more and more enamored this tiger because it’s fulfilling all these wonderful things. But the problem is as this starts to progress in size and strength, a couple things start to happen. For starters, now when we feed the baby tiger cub, it doesn’t say satisfied very long. Now when I put it back in the cage to go handle my other responsibilities it starts to rattle, and it starts to roar. And at first, it’s not that big a deal but it starts to divide my attention. When I’m playing with my children, at work, working on a project, engage in hobbies and interests. I kind of hear this rattling and roaring and the only thing I found that quiets this down is taking out feeding it a little bit more and putting it back in the cage. And so, some of my thoughts, some of my actions, some of the behaviors are surrounding keeping this freakin Tiger happy.
But as this continues to progress in size and strength, a couple more things start to happen. Now we keep seeing this baby tiger cup that lowers anxiety. helps our depression, makes us more creative is the greatest thing ever. Our friends and family start to see something else emerging. A 2, 3, 400-pound beast with claws and teeth that makes them kind of nervous. And a lot of times our friends and family start to express some concern. We’re over at their house one day and they say hey, so great to see you. Thanks for coming by. But what’s the deal with this freakin Tiger you bring with you everywhere. And we say “what are you talking about? This thing’s awesome lowers my anxiety, helps my depression, makes me more creative. It’s a greatest thing ever!” They say no it’s like 400 pounds of claws and teeth and it makes me kind of nervous around my kids. Could you maybe leave that at home?
And so, we often start doing the logical thing. We start cutting them out of our life because they obviously don’t see how cool our tiger is and this continues to progress in size and strength. Now a lot of my thoughts, a lot of my actions, a lot of my behavior starts surrounding more and more keeping this freakin Tiger happy because if I don’t keep this tiger happy the rattling and roaring, I just can’t stand it. And again, the more I feed it, the more it seems to want. And now these time periods that it stays quiet in the cage gets shorter and shorter. The more I feed it, the more it wants and so we started trying to use some other control measures. Being the bright, intelligent, wonderful people, we are. I get a leash and I’m thinking okay, no problem, I can handle this. And I’m really surprised when all of a sudden, this thing is able to drag me around town into situations with people and things that I said I would never do. We start to question our own sanity. You know, in AA they talk about moments of clarity where we look in the mirror one day and go what the bleep happened to me? And it’s so overwhelming we just feed it more and so once in a while we get this glimpse of this 700-pound Tiger but it’s just too overwhelming. But we start to wonder what’s really going on. Because if this is a baby tiger cub, this really doesn’t make sense. If it’s a baby tiger cub, how come it’s so heavy I can’t get out of bed in the morning? If this is a baby tiger cub. How come it’s powerful enough to knock me into walls, into doors, downstairs? Why am I waking with strange bruises in strange places with strange people? If this is a baby tiger cub, this makes no sense.
Some people out there might have an opiate Tiger and you might have waken up with the claw marks. If you have an alcohol Tiger you might have been woken up being violently shaken in the middle of the night, and the only thing that put you back to sleep is feeding the tiger as much as possible. Putting them back in the cage just hope he leaves you alone till morning. But as this kind of continues to a crescendo basically what starts happening is all my thoughts, all my actions, all my behavior start surrounding keeping this freakin Tiger happy because if I can’t keep it happy, everyone in my general vicinity starts becoming collateral damage. All my thoughts, all my actions, everything else are just getting into getting it, hiding it, using and trying to stay out withdrawal trying not to get a caught to keep this freakin Tiger happy, so it leaves me and my family alone.
But as this kind of comes to a crescendo finally, usually a few things happen. If our family and friends are still speaking to us, we’re over their house when all of a sudden, our Tiger takes a swipe at their face, walks over and starts breaking dishes in the kitchen, takes a crap on the carpet. And they say whoa, that’s it, we love you, but we cannot stand this anymore. You know, either you get rid of this freakin tiger or do not come around. Some of us might be at work and our boss pulls us aside and says “excuse me but driving with a 700-pound tiger on your forklift kind of an OSHA violation extremely dangerous, we need to talk. Some of us might have also gotten pulled over by a nice officer of the law who says “excuse me sir driving with a 700-pound tiger in the front seat with your kids in the backseat. Extremely dangerous. We also might want to talk about this kilo of Tiger food in the trunk”.
In any case, one way or another a lot of us end up having to take a look at things. And so, we end up in a treatment center or a hospital setting or something else where essentially our Tiger is completely out of control. And with the help of the brothers in recovery, the sisters in recovery. The men and women who struggle with this. With doctors, nurses, addiction technicians, addiction counselors, you know, every single resource possible we grab ahold of the Tiger we slam it in the cage, we close the door. and as it’s rattling and roaring and generally speaking, I just cannot stand anymore and just want to let it out and feed it again. Sometimes they do have to sedate it with some Ativan or some phenobarbital or maybe some suboxone, just to get it quiet enough. But then the brothers, the sisters, everybody around us starts surrounding our cage and as its rattling and roaring and this is where I want to let it out. They say unuh don’t listen to it. It’s a liar. It’ll go to sleep. Just calm down.
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Tom: Now a lot of us we can’t see things clearly. When we look through the bars of the cage, we see this baby tiger cub that lowered our anxiety, helped our depression made us more creative, was the greatest thing ever. Or something that was never there in the first place, a dog, which I’ll get to in a second. But essentially, you know as it starts to quiet just enough, they start to do a few things, you know they start to talk over it. Now some of us that don’t quite see what we have. We try to make bargains we say “okay, thanks so much for having me here, really appreciate it. If you could just maybe kill this thing, I’ll be on my way”. We say, well, we’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is we can teach you how to keep it in the cage and put us to sleep. But no, it’s unfortunately you are stuck with this for life. They say no, no. How about this? If I’m stuck with it for life? How about this? Can we make it cute and small and cuddly? Maybe teach it some tricks? Can we do that? We say again, sorry, but we can teach you how to keep it in the cage and put it to sleep. But again, you are stuck with this for life. And a lot of us have a similar thought process of that. We’re like, what? Because we didn’t sign up for this.
And then they start to explain to us in different ways, of course, that on that day that we are wandering along struggling with anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, whatever. Nine out of 10 people do not come across a baby tiger cub. Nine out of 10 people come across a puppy. Why a puppy? Because dogs can be controlled. Does an 80-pound golden retriever sometimes get out of hand? Sure. Go to a Super Bowl party drink too much throw up on their friend. Absolutely. Maybe go have surgery get prescribed a few too many opiates start nodding out during important conversations. Absolutely. Maybe use a little methamphetamine take apart the toaster looking for microphones, sure. But the people with dogs wake up the next day and go, ugh, Bad dog, and they hit it on the nose, put it in the cage, close the door. And six months later, a year later, they might let the dogs out. We all have that friend that let the dogs out. Haha.(laughter)
It’s different. When you’re dealing with a tiger. It’s a different animal altogether. It doesn’t listen to commands. It’s unpredictable. It’s much larger. It’s a predator. It’s got claws and teeth. And it operates completely differently. It can be docile and friendly, but it can also lash out and rip people apart and everyone around them. And the whole problem that happens to most of us is we can’t clearly see what we have. When we look through the cage, we see the baby tiger cub that lowers anxiety, helps our depression, makes things great, or something that was never there in the first place, a dog.
And when I say never there in the first place. What I mean by that is most of us have a very abnormal reaction to drugs and alcohol right from the get-go. Usually, though, our abnormal reaction is awesome. For instance, in my own ridiculous history, you know, I could drink three times as much as my friends and I never got hangovers. You know, my abnormal reaction was awesome. Right off the bat, you know, I was that guy that could party till the middle of the night and wake up and go running and you know, function better. And so, you know, a lot of times, if opiates is the person’s drug of choice, a lot of times we get a stimulant effect, I was able to get more accomplished, we’re not supposed to get a stimulant effect from opiates, we’re not supposed to get more energy from a depressant, etc.
And the whole idea is a lot of times our initial reaction is so awesome. It hooks us in the first place. It’s different, but it’s a good different. It’s by the time the consequences, and everything started rolling in our brain keeps going way back here to this baby tiger cub. That was awesome. Where the reality is a 700- pound beast with claws and teeth and wants to rip everything apart.
And so, the whole idea is we need to kind of starve this tiger. And essentially, it’s always in the cage. And I’ve done great, you know, throughout the years, I’ve really tried to protect my cage, because now I can see clearly what I have in there. But in the beginning I couldn’t, I constantly had to have other guys in recovery point to and go, unuh, 700-pound beast do not let it out. And I know for myself with my own ridiculous history, every time I let it out, it got that much harder to even get it back in there. That much harder to get it back under control. It was just horrible. Every time we wake it up, it keeps going.
And kind of tying in with this with the tiger lecture that’s really important with some of this is you know; denial is a huge piece of the disease of addiction. And denial doesn’t mean people are lying their asses off. I mean, some people are, but it’s really the inability to see the truth. And the whole idea is its powerful. I worked with a woman a couple years ago on one of the units, and she was sharing with the group why she really did not need to be in treatment. And on paper, it looked pretty good. She only drank four times in six months. The thing is I read her file. And it was also a third time in treatment, which is a story for a different day. But essentially, when I gently pushed her to share what happened those four times, essentially what had happened is when she starts drinking, she went into a two-to-five-day blackout, followed by two to five days in the hospital, every time. So essentially, she only drank four times in six months, but almost died all four times. Now the thing is if I had hooked her up to a lie detector test and said, can you control your drinking, she would have said yes and pass with flying colors. Because her version of an alcoholic was someone that drinks every day, someone who lives under a bridge, someone that has 14 DUIs or a bunch of legal consequences. It wasn’t somebody that you know, still had their family intact or whatever, and so she couldn’t see it clearly, she eventually did. But the whole idea is what I like to really focus on the daily existence, what really happens does it really help my anxiety? Help my depression, etc. Might have in the first part. But once it’s fully grown, it’s not. And that’s where I think a lot of us get really stuck. And I have an educated theory that I think it takes about a year give or take to lose the obsession, the craving to use drugs or alcohol or to use the tiger analogy to put it to sleep. And essentially what happens to a lot of us as we can’t stay sober long enough to break through the cycle. And so, say for instance, say today’s your sobriety date about a year from today, you’re free, yay, you lose the obsession, the craving, but a month from now you pick up, you lose your job. So, you use for a couple days, or a couple weeks. Now, a year from now, a month later, you get a new job. So, you use for a couple days or a couple of weeks to celebrate, now a year from then. And essentially, every time we feed the tiger, so to speak, or feed the addiction, it wakes it up again, and it takes that much longer to get back under control. And so, a lot of us get stuck in a cycle who are not particularly happy, sober, I’m crawling out of my own skin, my anxiety is higher, my depressions deeper, my relationships are in turmoil, whatever. And I cannot imagine it being any easier. Once the tiger goes to sleep, it’s way easier. The problem is most of us, we can’t even break out of the first three months, I was stuck in that cycle for eight years and paid some serious consequences. But the whole idea is that you know, a couple of statistics that I’ve read. And frankly, I don’t believe in a lot of statistics, because I think you can spin them any way you want.
Margaret: Right.
Tom: But a few I’ve seen with my own eyes over many years, is if we make it to 90 days, three months, we’re about 80% more likely to make it to six months, we make it to six months, we’re about 80% more likely to make it to a year. And in my opinion, that’s where things get markedly easier. And the whole idea though, is keeping it in the cage and keeping it quiet long enough and keeping your cage guarded, so that the miracle can actually happen. It is really, really important.
One of the things that I also share with the lecture and things like that is again, the brain disease portion of this, we just cannot see things clearly. And there’s a place in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, they call the jumping off place ‘on someday, he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it, he will know loneliness such as few do, he will be at the jumping off place, he will wish for the end’. And that’s essentially what starts happening to a lot of us, you know, and if you haven’t gotten there yet, please stop digging.
But essentially, you know, I know for myself that I kept relapsing, or I thought it was relapsing was more just active addiction because I couldn’t stay sober long enough. But essentially, you know, over an eight-year period, you know, I didn’t feel comfortable in AA or NA because I kept using, I didn’t feel comfortable in normal society because I wasn’t normal. And I had already come to that conclusion. And so, my world started to get smaller and smaller and smaller until I started to know loneliness such as few do, I was at the jumping off place, I wish for the end. I essentially wanted to blow my head off on a daily basis. And we do not have to live that way. It gets so much better once the tiger goes to sleep. But while it’s still active, it’s really hard to see things clearly.
And I think a lot of people again, like what we were talking about earlier with the podcast and stuff is you know, we try to ask all these questions. Why? Is it because of my depression? Is it because of my anxiety, is because of my? No, I’ve got those things also, but I also have this chemical addiction issue. The tiger issue, it runs through families, it skips generations, and my sister doesn’t have it. My dad didn’t have it. But I’ve got uncles, and cousins, and extended family, etc, that it runs rampant. And the whole idea is for people to really understand what they’re dealing with. Because again, people on the family side they have a dog. And so, they give helpful advice, if you have a dog. Just put in the cage and don’t feed it, don’t use today. Okay, thanks. Whereas I’m sitting here, like crawling out of my own skin, like how can you even say that to me. And it’s great advice if you don’t have this obsessive thought process. But it kind of falls short when you’ve got a 700-pound beast.
But the whole idea with all of this stuff is a lot of people have co-occurring kind of stuff going on anxiety, depression, whatever. And we often start feeding the tiger to kind of deal with those things. But then it comes this catch 22, where what it was doing in the initial, the side effect like alcohol, for instance, if I’m using it to go against anxiety, it works like a charm in the beginning. But then once I’m hooked, one of the major withdrawal side effects is anxiety. So, then it’s boosting my anxiety through this unnatural level so that I’m drinking basically this data withdrawal and triggering, and I get cut back and forth and it just works out great. Haha. But we don’t have to live that way is the wonderful thing.
Margaret 23:44
So does it feel like a deep breath might be needed. I so appreciate Tom’s way of sharing the Tiger Talk. I think it’s incredibly important to have different presentations and different approaches to learning. And as a visual learner, for me, Tom’s Tiger talk is perfect. Over the years of hearing Tom share this lecture, I’ve had many people request, where can I hear that again? So here you are. You get to hear it again and again anytime you want.
And I hope you choose to share it with people who are affected by the illness of substance use disorder and addiction. Because it could be helpful for anybody who wants to learn more. Make sure you come back again next week, where Tom will be here to share more of his experience, strength, and hope.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
