Imagine growing up as the older brother to Chris Farley. I am thrilled to have a conversation with Tom Farley, who candidly shares about his life in the Farley family, their relationships with alcohol, and the dominant emotion of humor.
Today, we learn about how their mother blazed a trail of seeking support and Tom’s journey of recovery, where he has learned to embrace his true self.
Meet Tom Farley, man in recovery, sibling to the late Chris Farley, the author of The Chris Farley Show, community relations coordinator at Rosecrance.
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See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back I want you to imagine growing up as the big brother to Chris Farley who has been described as a comedic force and the funniest of his five siblings. I think Tom might disagree with that because all Farley brothers were funny today. Tom shares his journey of recovery he openly discusses his family’s relationship with alcohol and the effects it had on them all. It’s really neat to hear how his mom led the way.
Meet Tom Farley!
01:10
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret 01:26
I want to say first of all how honored and thrilled I am you’re here with me today. The timing is perfect because I am getting ready to launch a coaching group for siblings, because I feel it is one of the most underserved populations out of the family system. So, talk about timing to have you, Tom, come on as a sibling.
I know we’ll talk about other aspects of your recovery if you’re willing share those. But first thing I always ask my guests is who’s your qualifier? Like when you look back over your life story? Who were the people in your life that had the illness that brought it into the family, as a member of the family, like who would you have identified as your qualifiers for your own journey in recovery as you went through the process?
Tom Farley 02:12
I would say the person that really got all of our attention in our family was my mom. We didn’t know anything about this disease, it been in our families for generations, and we were Irish and we lived in Wisconsin, all these things were so normalized that we didn’t have any clue.
But it was I think my mom who, she goes out and I help this son of mine is struggling, but the best I can do. And I’ve kind of taken this as an example, in my journey, as well as she was the first one of all of us to just stop drinking. She stopped. And this was 30 years ago. And again, it was partially for her, self. But she went to a few meetings. She told later and we didn’t know any of this that she was. But she’s found most of her help. And most of our answers were in actually Al-Anon started.
Margaret 03:15
That’s amazing. Because one of the things that we often think is it takes the “identified person “to get healthy before the family can get healthy. What I hear is even without you all necessarily knowing what mum was doing, she was trying to learn and understand what she was facing.
Tom Farley: Yeah.
Margaret: And then shared it with you all as she may be learned or encouraged you to seek it yourself.
Tom Farley 03:37
Yeah, she just said, I’m going to stop. I can’t this juggernaut of Farley’s drinking over the course of generations. I don’t know if I can stop that. But I can stop myself. And I don’t know how the rest of my siblings or even my father thought about it. But I know personally, I’m like, I liked my mom. It was like we always used to tease mom when she was kind of getting silly, late at night. And then she just became mom again. And I always appreciated that.
Margaret: Yeah.
I mean, I saw it, I saw what she was trying to her example. And you know, it took me a long, long time to figure it out for myself. And I thought same thing for my kids.
So, when I started having kids, I tried to do the same thing. I’m like, I’m gonna do what my mom did. And I had bouts of sobriety. But it wasn’t recovery. It was just being sober. My mom was able to kind of be sober. And that was good. It was good for her.
Margaret 04:44
So let me ask you this time because you said it kind of under there a little bit. I’m curious to dive into this a little bit, if you will. And that is you said, I liked my mom. And I remember her getting kind of silly, but then I had my mom. So, it sounds like there was a change in mom when she embraced her sobriety. And her reason for doing it was to try and stop the continuation of a family legacy of the disease in the family.
Tom Farley 05:09
And always kind of and my dad to they were trying to raise us and impart all these great values. But after six o’clock at night, you just stop listening, like, okay, it just was blah, blah, blah. He’s just like, now you’re not making sense. And these are two, like really intelligent, emotional, wonderful people. But after a while, we will just go okay, now it’s falling on deaf ears, because you’re, you’re nonsense. And yeah, it was just great not to have to go through that. I don’t know, I never really reflected on, too much.
Margaret 05:43
Well, I’m gonna encourage you to because I think that’s what a lot of kids have go through. We navigate it the best way we know how but there are nuances about it that we kind of, don’t think a lot of and you said that really clearly that I liked my mom. And the silliness was there. But I really liked having my mom present.
Tom Farley: Yeah.
Margaret: Do you remember what age it was you noticing? Okay, six o’clock is the time to sort of not vacate, necessarily, but not pay as much attention because it was alcohol more than mom.
Tom Farley 06:11
It was when we were in high school, I guess later in high school for us. We weren’t early drinkers. But when I was 18, in Wisconsin back then. So, when we started drinking, we would have these little jokes, you know. We I have one sister, our older sister, and we used to laugh because mom would get Barb, her only daughter in the kitchen. And they would have these discussions, like late at night about like, worldly things, whatever mom was trying to be a mom and, and yet, what we were hearing was just like, oh, my God is hysterical. Because they weren’t communicating at all. They were trying to, but because I don’t know if Barb was drinking at that time. But mom certainly was. And it was just like, I saw mom trying, and then we thought it was funny.
Margaret: Sure,
Tom Farley: But it wasn’t. And then later on, when we would have serious discussion with mom, and she was sober. I’m like, oh, this is different. This is way different. I like this a lot better than
Margaret: Yeah,
Tom Farley: Yeah, we’re going somewhere now.
Margaret 07:14
So, you classically describe what many families experience, which is, there becomes a buffer between engagement and relationships, there’s a buffer. There’s something that gets in the way, that can be funny at times when you have a parent that maybe that’s the way it shows up, or it can be abusive at times, or neglectful at times, or just vacant at times. So, I hear there’s a theme through this family to have humor.
Tom Farley 07:39
And I talk about that all the time. That, that was our coping mechanism. That was the only emotion we really used was humor. And the plus side is, we got really good at it. The point where all my brothers became professional comedians, and my son now is out in LA, being a professional comedian. But it was a coping mechanism that turned into a trauma because we weren’t able to process our emotions in any other way than through humor. And I recognized that later on in life that, like, this isn’t working, I only got one bullet in the gun, one emotion, you know, and this doesn’t work.
Margaret 08:16
So, it’s kind of like many people’s journey that we go through life with coping skills that really worked well in that original environment. But as we go out into the world, into future relationships, into friendships, then we see that that is a deficit, we need to look at what we can now add to our repertoire.
Tom Farley 08:32
Yeah, I mean, somebody asked me once on a podcast, are you a better parent than your parents, which was we all hope for,
Margaret: Right.
Tom Farley: We always strive to be that better parent. And I said, honestly, I tried, but no, I wasn’t. I was still, you know, that father that didn’t like pain. That’s how we used our humor, to kind of alleviate people’s anxiety and pain.
But I was that father that like, was a teasing father that like if my kid came to me and said, Dad, I’m afraid of the dark, I would say something like, I would be too if I had that thing under my bed.
Funny stuff. It was good stuff. But it didn’t help my kid who was afraid. And humor, and like, you know, it had the opposite effect. It just made my kids more anxious and made that relationship. They couldn’t trust me. That’s where humor failed me. And luckily now, as I also said, though, my kids are all adults. But I get to undo that anytime you can start undoing that. And I’m doing that and it’s amazing.
Margaret 09:39
And I value that statement so much. We put so much emphasis and I think it’s led by the disease of addiction and the shame on the destruction of our disease on our loved ones. We don’t emphasize enough the restorative value of recovery on our relationships with our family.
Tom Farley 09:56
Oh my god, I thought this was just me being in recovery. Just Being a new start, and I get to start over a new person. I didn’t think like, no, I thought those relationships that I had were ships that have sailed. And I’m like, no, they’re repairing, I’m seeing it. And only because like before, all of my relationships were based on control, in order for me to be this kind of false person that I thought the world needed to see, that I needed to be, I needed everyone else to play a part so I could be that person,
Margaret: Rght.
Tom Farley: And that’s very controlling, and people didn’t, you know, it pushed people away, because I needed them to be something that they weren’t. So I could be something that I was never either. So now when I’m just concerned about this stuff, I can just try to be my authentic self, and people can be back to my life, because I’m not threatening more. I’m like, oh, he’s just trying to be himself and like, okay, well, you know, we’ll come back. And the relationship that does get repaired, the relationships that do come back, may not have been what I originally wanted them to be or wish them to be, but they are relationships nonetheless. And they are what they are. And I have to be grateful for anything that comes back to me. And I am.
Margaret 11:11
Wonderful. It’s great to hear. I mean, I think that, sadly, we hear the negative side of the illness, which is very real, and the harm done, the hope of recovery is also very real and very powerful in all relationships as we engage in it.
So, it sounds like if I had shaken your family tree, quite a few bottles would have fallen out. Quite a few members of the family have dealt with the disease as part of their journey.
Tom Farley: Absolutely.
Margaret: So, mom sort of led the charge by changing her behavior. And you shared, it’s interesting, you shared that she got sober. And yet a lot of her growth has come through Al-Anon, which I love, because I think a lot of us earn our seats and Al-Anon, even though we may find our seats via O.A, A.A or any other A. So, mom gets into recovery, she starts showing up differently in the family, you all take notes.
Tom Farley: Right?
Margaret: But how does she end up in Al-Anon? Like, where does that shift happen?
Tom Farley 12:07
Well, I think and I kind of experienced this too, in my earlier attempts at recovery is I think she went into meetings. And kind of well, I don’t belong here, that person drinks more than me, that person takes drugs, and they drink. I’m here just to really help my son. So, this isn’t it. And somebody told her about Al-Anon. Now, she’s always talking about somebody else’s recovery. And that’s good, understand that. They’re much better when they’re done together. But for mom, she went to that. And so, she did get herself sober. She understood kind of what was going on with the family. But she wasn’t necessarily in recovery, as I’m experiencing recovery today. And she managed over 30 years of sobriety. But still very based on that Irish, every emotion, I’m gonna bury deep.
Margaret: Yeah,
Tom Farley: We’re not gonna go there. I’m just the opposite. I’m like, the opportunity to release those traumas has been phenomenal. I’m seeing true recovery, whereas mom seeing sobriety. And again, I understand because I went through that first. And I say this to a lot of people, is when I went into try to get into recovery, first going to meetings, I approached it like we did in my family, when just drinking is your barometer, it was very easy for me to point to that person across the room. Like my mom didn’t say, well, that person is worse than I am. I don’t belong here. We did the same thing with Chris. Like, we’re not that bad. So, I guess we’re okay, when we all needed to go down that road. But we all could point a Chris like, we’re not that bad. And that was Chris’s problem and took us all years and in our own ways to kind of address our own issues. But kind of going back to your your theme is, it sucks all the attention. It sucks all the attention from the family. And you know, for me, it took me years to realize.
I started speaking after Chris died in schools with the Chris Farley Foundation, talking for years and years and years, but somebody else’s addiction. And then, you know, it was easy to do. I had some years of sobriety a lot, many years, five years, a couple different times. But it wasn’t a recovery. I wasn’t really, it wasn’t until I started getting in recovery. Now I’m talking about my journey not so much of Chris and it’s made all the difference.
Margaret 14:44
So, there’s a lot there to unpack that I’m really grateful that you spoke about so well we talked about the sibling experience. When you describe that, maybe for a lot of us within the family system, Chris was the identified worst case,
Tom Farley: yep,
Margaret: for lack of a better way of saying, and so he got a lot of attention and allowed your disease and maybe other people’s disease in the family were like, well, I’m good. I’m not them. Right. So that happens not only in families but happens in 12 step meetings, that happens out in society.
Tom Farley: Yeah.
Margaret: I mean, I remember not getting into recovery for a very long time because I surrounded by people who were more out of control than me for a very long time. I didn’t consciously know I was doing it. That’s the nature of the disease. Right. So that’s how it works.
15:31
This podcast is made possible by listeners like you.
Bumper: Any siblings out there I hope you take a moment to reflect on whether you would value some space and a place to meet with other siblings impacted by the disease of addiction and receive education, support, coaching.
That’s what I’m offering. I’m offering an Embrace Family Recovery Sibling Coaching Group starting this month. It’s an 8 series coaching session for $280. It’s for adult siblings and I hear from many siblings that it’s hard to find the place for them to feel comfortable to be open and not feel like their presence is not as important as the partners, parents, or children of somebody.
I hope you’ll check it out.
Please go to my
the website and take a look at this important information about the Sibling Recovery Group.
16:31
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. Can you relate to what you’re hearing? Never miss a show by hitting the subscribe button. Now back to the show.
Margaret 16:42
It sounds like when your mom got sober. She was noticing her own pattern. But she was also trying to help because she could see things getting worse with the kids. Is that possible? Is that accurate? Or was it before you guys were progressing along that journey?
Tom Farley 16:56
Well, she had a two kind of thing she had Chris who was getting worse, and worse, and worse. And, again, this disease affected all of us really different. I have four boys and one sister and my dad,
Margaret: Right?
Tom Farley: For me and my two other brothers. When we picked up a drink, it was go time. But I could not drink for days on end. But when it was go time it was go time and, there was no off switch, right? All of us. So it was just, that’s that’s how we went. My sister Barb, really never she could have two glass of wine and put it down and walk away. And like, that was no problem.
Then you had Chris who like it wasn’t just a start, stop, binge kind of thing. It was this, to the next, to the next. It was just constantly escalating. And that’s why he got all that attention because he was going down the road.
You know, my dad was, I never heard him slur his words. But mostly because he was just a very big guy. I mean, it was just very visible, how he was internalizing stuff. He just got very, very big. But we would see him go through just massive amounts of scotch. And my mom being like, pint size just trying to keep up at five o’clock, they watched the news and dad were like, she’d be just sitting down. You know, dad was like, can you get give me another scotch? I was just, I think that was where she couldn’t keep up with dad. That was a problem. And Chris, a growing problem. And she had to address that. So, she was caught in between these two. And the only way she knew how to do it was to just stop, save herself.
Margaret 18:42
Isn’t that the truth for all of us, which is, it feels so counterintuitive and wrong. That is the truth. We cannot make anyone else’s journey change or be saved or go a certain way. But we can certainly take care of ourselves in the hopes that that can impact in a positive way, which you say did happen. I mean, it may have been a slower turnout than your mom would have liked. But it impacted all of you on some level to see your mom change like this, which is a beautiful message for everyone to hear.
Tom Farley 19:08
You know, and now he’s here every day. I mean, just, it’s one of the proudest things in my recovery journey is being able to, it’s almost like a gift that I’m giving back to my mom.
Margaret: You bet.
Tom Farley: Yeah. After Chris died, she was she’s been worried about all her kids in the same way. And she saw us all go through some real tough times, all with drinking heavily involved, and to see what I’ve done and in my recovery, and yeah, I mean, she couldn’t be prouder
Margaret 19:40
You show up for your mom, present.
Tom Farley 19:42
Absolutely. It’s just so great. So it’s kind of like, she’s kind of she’s kind of a de facto sponsor, because I talk to her all the time about like that. You know, what I would have done back in the day after that family function,
Margaret: Rght?
Tom Farley: It was like do I know exactly what It would have been Yeah. And we laugh about it now. But she’s very proud of that.
Margaret 20:04
I’m sure. I’m sure she’s very proud of you. And you know what, what I hear you doing is giving honor to her that maybe your journey didn’t start then. But thank you, mom for making a change that I could witness.
Tom Farley: Yeah. Yeah.
Margaret: It’s beautiful. Beautiful. So, you’ve mentioned Chris a few times. And obviously, the change that’s happened for you and your recovery, which I just get so excited about for you. And I remember hearing this at the Rural when you spoke was you were speaking, to honor your brother, to assist his foundation, to offer hope and help for other people. But now you’re doing your own recovery, you get to be telling your story. And I want that to be what we spend time on.
The elephant in the room is obviously that Chris was a larger-than-life figure. And I wonder before we dive into the impact of his journey on you, because I think that’s a part of your story that’s important, and for siblings to hear. Can you give the order of your family like who was where on the order? Well,
Tom Farley 21:09
Well, I was the smartest, oh chronological, okay, I’m sorry.
Margaret 21:15
There’s humor. I love it, keep going.
Tom Farley 21:19
So, my sister Barbara is the oldest. And then it was me. I’m the eldest of the four boys. And that was me, Chris, Kevin, and Johnny.
Margaret: Okay.
Tom Farley: So, I was the one that had to share the bedroom with Chris.
Margaret 21:30
So, you were right there with him on the journey, in many ways, all the way through,
Tom Farley 21:34
All the way through, even to the point where I do my first job out of college, I went to New York, and I worked in New York, and then Chris comes blowing into town. So we were even in New York, and I kind of saw him. I was the first person, kind of saw him struggling. But we all kind of as a Kevin went to college with Chris and he had to see that whole kind of scenario. He got him through college. I got him early on in the bedroom sharing a bedroom and then later on in New York, but we all kind of
Margaret: had your time.
Tom Farley: Had our time with them. Yeah.
Margaret 22:07
Do you identify with any specific role you played in the family system? Because often we have roles? And I don’t think roles stay forever. I think they can evolve and change. But do you recognize what yours was when you were younger in the family?
Tom Farley 22:21
Well, it’s interesting, we talk about this all the time, the funny thing was as the oldest boy and named after my dad, I felt I had all this expectation that I had to go to, you know, my dad went to Georgetown, I had to go to Georgetown. My dad was a great entrepreneur, businessman, I had to be this, you know. I had all the stuff. My dad loved the way he dressed; I love the way I dress. So all the stuff. But I loved it. I wanted that. And that was my expectation. But I also thought I also had to set the bar for my brothers and be a good example of my brothers. And so that was all kind of put in place and cemented into my being. And then I turn around, and there’s Chris doing everything the opposite. You know, I am toeing the line, he’s falling over it. I’m dressing well, he’s just not. I’m studying and reading books. He’s out playing football, just being physical and stuff like that. So, I’m like, but I’m supposed to like, it was crazy. And so. And yet, I was doing all the stuff. I was supposed. Chris was doing all the stuff he wasn’t supposed to. But he was not only getting all the attention, but like, my god, he could make friends out of nothing. And I struggled so hard to like, I didn’t know who I was. Friendships were so hard for me. And I thought I was doing all the right stuff. And I had trouble, you know, making connection to people. And Chris was just doing whatever he wanted to, and everyone loved him. And I didn’t know till years later, what kind of resentment that caused that I was building? Yeah, I’m just dealing with that now.
Margaret 24:04
Yeah, great fodder for the next drunk, right. Like, I mean, really, that’s the idea of resentment there. So, the other thing I would imagine, there would be a sense of, I hear this from siblings. So, I’m curious where you sit on this because I think it’s hard to even articulate because you feel many emotions when you do. But their sense of the description you gave as you were doing everything right. And you were stepping into the responsibilities. And there’s your brother, playing for lack of a better word, and making friends, and having success in his own right. Despite life being a whirling dervish, is my description. Did you ever feel a sense of hello? Anybody? Like can you see that I’m doing what I’m doing or that I’m not doing okay.
Tom Farley 24:50
Oh, all the time. Yeah. And the thing is, what I wasn’t seeing I’ve seen bits and pieces. I wasn’t seeing that the love that my brothers had for me.
Margaret: Yeah.
Tom Farley: I see it now, I look back. I’m like my god, they did see me, and they did see, want to be, you know,
Margaret 25:17
Value you, value who you were in their life.
Tom Farley 25:20
Yeah, yeah, I just didn’t that Chris was getting all that attention I just Yeah. So even Chris you know, it was that aha moment that I always thought it wasn’t till I started being sober I wasn’t recovery yet and I, I moved back to Wisconsin, my Midwest roots and I got really comfortable with who I am. I wasn’t trying to be this New York type I was never going to be, struggled so much. And so, I got back here. And I realized, you know, this, when I started to feel more comfortable with who I was, I looked back at Chris, and I’m like, oh my gosh, I thought he existed, just to push my buttons.
And the thing was, the funny thing about Chris was, I was existing, trying to live this life, this character that I thought I needed to be, this caricature, I was trying so hard to be this character. And then here was Chris, who was literally known and famous for the characters that he played. But he was literally just being himself every time. Every character he had, was Chris,
Margaret: Was a part of him.
Tom Farley: was a part of him. And like, that’s what he was telling me all this time. He wasn’t trying to push my buttons, he was just saying, Tommy, just be yourself, man. You don’t have to be this, you know, just, it was such a great example, that I didn’t see for the longest time. So
Margaret 26:43
So, on that level, knowing that he struggled with his illness. And he was this larger-than-life character, you very respected comedian did a lot of great work that many people have enjoyed over the years. And I think that it’s probably pretty known to most people, but you know, how you say I was trying to be this character. I haven’t met anyone who’s in their disease that doesn’t feel like a fraud on some level.
Tom Farley 27:11
Oh my gosh,
Margaret: Right.
Tom Farley: When I first went to a meeting and actually sat and listened and really wanted to get something out of it, and I heard the words rigorous honesty, I mean, that’s I clung to that. I’m like, wait, I get to live a life authentically. And honestly,
Margaret: Right.
Tom Farley: That was the life preserver that was thrown to me. First, I just clung to it.
Margaret 27:35
So, when you talk about Chris being an example of be yourself, knowing he was struggling in his illness, and yes, he had times of sobriety, I believe.
Tom Farley 27:43
Oh, well, yeah. And that was when I just saw him in such a different way. When we’re out in New York. And he went through a couple of treatments, and he was just trying to save his job. He thought he’s going to lose this dream job of his and then he went one summer, I think is after second season at SNL, and he went back to Hazelden but instead of going to back to his big apartment, he went back to a sober living Hazelden had a sober living facility in lower Manhattan.
And here he was on TV every weekend but checking into his cot every night.
Margaret: Right?
Tom Farley: And for me, like, what I noticed is, oh, he’s dressing better. And I thought it was related to his success. And it wasn’t it was his total, because he was working his recovery program you respect himself, but for me, I saw a different, but I just saw like, okay, that’s this is a different Chris.
And then he asked me a couple years later to come to a meeting that he was chairing and I’m like, what, what are you talking about? It was my first meeting, I went, and I saw him, and it was just, I was like, I was seeing my brother in a completely different. I was just so amazed at seeing a moment almost for the first time who he really was.
Margaret 29:52
Beautiful.
Tom Farley: It really was.
Outro: It’s amazing the stories that I am privileged to hear on this podcast, and I love that I get to share them with you.
Come back next week when I get to continue my conversation with Tom Farley. We will discuss his journey to self-acceptance and the benefits of being himself plus Tom shares the one thing that helped him navigate the pandemic which was connection, and shares some of the beautiful stories around Chris and how he influenced Tom’s own recovery.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website.
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
