We rejoin Felisha Hunter, an author, Recovery&Wellness Coach, a Podcaster, a woman in recovery and adult child of an alcoholic, as she eloquently shares her story of healing and weaves in experiences with her family.
We begin this episode with Felisha reading an excerpt from her first book ‘Exit Wounds’ where she used short poetic story writing to capture the emotional experience of pain and healing.
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See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. A place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back! Today Felisha Hunter returns and begins the episode by reading an excerpt from her book entitled ‘Exit Wounds.’
Trigger warning! This episode touches on suicide, overdose and sadly because we know this is a fact of the decease’s destruction can be all too familiar for us. Please take care of yourself when listening. Felisha demonstrates how tenacious she has been in her desire to find recovery, mixed with the journey, the people, her family, and the thread throughout this experience with Felisha has been brutal honesty let’s get back to Felisha!
00:59
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret 01:16
Do you have a little piece from the hope so we can hear a little bit of it?
Felisha 01:32
Yeah.
‘There are moments that are so acutely destructive, it’s impossible to resume the life you had. When your husband finally tells you he no longer loves you. Your father explains that your mother has passed. The doctor says We did everything we could. His hands pained and guilty from the impactful bruises on your face. In these moments, we wished for time to rewind, for a second chance. We want to change fate, say our last words or behave differently, as though we had any control to begin with. We go through stages of grief and use various coping mechanisms to make reality feel bearable. There are pivotal lines that can’t be crossed, or fate becomes permanent. Life and death being the most obvious. Betrayal and abandonment, both toxic and debilitating. But what about the lines that only you can feel? Only you can cross. These lines were invisible and unremarkable until I crossed over. I felt the molecules in my body change and my blood turn poisonous as it pumped. I felt viler with every breath. I crossed a line, and no one forced me to. It was I life didn’t betray me. Trauma influenced me to betray myself. And just like that, I abandoned who I was. I walked away from my career. And I left myself inside. I left her inside. Trapped by iron bars and limitations. I left the girl I loved behind those walls to rot. As I walked away, I lacked identity and purpose. I no plan no future. With each footstep away, I felt my insides catch flame burning, crucifying, reincarnating. I didn’t cry. I didn’t react. In this very moment. I felt more inspired than I ever had been before. More high than I ever begged to be. There is a sense of vulnerability that enslaves you when you lose all control. But as uncomfortable as this is, it allows you to be completely transparent and see things for what they are. I’m being buried alive. And as they underestimate my tolerance for the darkness. I’ll wait silently.’
Margaret 04:07
Powerful.
Felisha: Mmhmm
Margaret: Do you remember where you were on your journey when you wrote that part?
Felisha 04:14
Yeah, I woulda just left the prison.
Margaret 04:18
Okay. Before you started smoking crack.
04:21
Felisha; Yeah. Yeah. sober. Yeah.
Margaret 04:26
Sober. And so, from there when you were introduced to it, and you were using it, though, obviously it has its own sense of destruction. It created an out from death for you.
Felisha: Yeah. Yeah.
Margaret: So, the obvious question I can imagine a family members thinking is how did you then possibly get sober if what you left was so dark to use?
Felisha: MmHmm.
Margaret: How did you ever find a willingness or desire? How did you do it?
Felisha 04:59
Well my sober birthday is in like three days,(laughter)
Margaret 05:04
happy early birthday,
Felisha 05:05
Thank you. It was just a moment. It was a text message from my grandmother. And by the grace of something, it came to me, and it wasn’t supposed to, it was supposed to go to another family member. And it said, is Felisha still alive. And it was that moment that I realized, even though no one was seeing my addictions, or my behaviors, they were feeling my absence. And even though I had removed myself physically and emotionally from the family, my actions were still impacting others.
Margaret 05:51
That’s a bridge that a lot of people don’t cross in addiction. It’s such a self-absorbing disease, and it lies to us and tells us no one’s being hurt. If we see the hurt, it keeps us numb enough to not do anything about it. So, in that moment, like splash of cold water you couldn’t ignore?
Felisha 06:18
Yeah. And I didn’t respond to it. I called up a friend that I had known, who mentioned when we were partying once that he had been to AA, and he wasn’t sober at all. But I called him, and I was like, I think I have to go. And he’s like, well, I’m not gonna go with you, (laughter) but like they are here. And so, I honestly thought, like a was something that was in movies, like, I didn’t think it was real, or that it was in every single town.
So, I sat in the parking lot for seven days, every single night, I would go to the meeting, I would not go inside. But I would sit outside of it. Until one Saturday, I decided to go in, and I got my first chip. I didn’t get sober. I would go every single night and get my chip. And then I go to the bar, and it was kind of like one foot in.
I didn’t want to identify with being an alcoholic or an addict. And so, I’ll just, I’ll just keep going just to see if it does anything. And then I went out on Boxing Day, and I blacked out. And I ended up in somebody’s house and they gave me heroin. And I overdosed. And I came to, and I had my vehicle there. I got in the car; I called a friend. And I was like this just progressed, like in my head. I’m like, this just got like way more serious. And I said, I liked it. And I need help. And he’s in another province. And he made a few calls. got somebody in my town to pick me up.
This little lady called me and she’s like, I will be at your house at 6am tomorrow morning. You need to call your mom tonight. Have your bags packed and I will be there. What would you like for breakfast?
And I did it. I called my mom. I told her I had a problem. I packed my bag. I was outside before she even came, I was ready. And she’s like, I didn’t think you were gonna show up at all. And they brought me to a detox center. We got to the detox center, and they were like, we have no beds. And I don’t know why. But I was like, I’m not going home. I’m staying here until you have a bed. That’s not an option. And I sat outside. And then a few hours later, they made a bed for me. And I didn’t know that they had a longer program. And you can’t like apply to it. They want to see what you’re like in detox, your willingness to change and then they admit you from there.
So, I did like my five days of detox. And they said do you want to stay for the program when I without a doubt? Yes. Yes, please. I made protective factors for myself. I did not have my car there. Didn’t want it. I knew I was going to have outbursts and I did. I packed up my suitcase many of time and marched my ass out that door in the middle of winter, like, I don’t want to be here and they’re like, well, you’re in the middle of nowhere. So, find your way out, then. No one was asking me to stay. No one was going to say, no, come back. Right? It had to always be me.
Margaret 10:20
That’s a hard one for families.
Felisha: Mm hmm.
Margaret: That’s a very hard one, right? And families are so stressed and worried and fear based? And what if’s are running the show? Could a family member have done anything to change it? Or do you feel like the intervention by that text was what family member could do to help you?
Felisha 10:44
Looking back, the only thing that I, I don’t know if I have resentment or not. But my family is very generous with money. So, I could call them at 2am and say, Can I have two grand, and they would just give it to me. I don’t know if that would have slowed it. Or if I would have got more dangerous. If I hadn’t had that money, I didn’t have to go to extreme lengths to get my substance. I just got enough. And that was it. There’s a little bit of that.
I would say where I needed more support was actually in recovery than I did in active addiction. And my family went very hands off in recovery. Because they didn’t want to spook me. They didn’t want to say something that would send me back out. They didn’t want to include me in any crisis’s that were happening. They wanted everything to be roses, which actually isolated me, and made me feel I don’t know that I wasn’t strong. But that would be where I would have wished for more. Even to this day, my family is very sheepish around my story.
Margaret 12:14
So, it’s interesting, because what you bring up is walking on eggshells, right. Family are so afraid that they have some capacity to impact your use or impact your recovery in positive or negative ways. And so, the fear of losing you to your disease, was driving their sense of she’s doing it, don’t mess with it. Let her do and she’s got this. Let’s shelter her from anything she doesn’t need to deal with. And what I’m hearing you say is, that was harder that you would have preferred to be treated less with kid gloves. Like I’m a woman in recovery life on life’s terms, if stuffs going on include me.
Felisha 13:03
Yeah, yeah. Now I had been brought into a life where I wanted love and connection. I wanted to be a part of something. Even if that was bad, I wanted to do it together. I had built enough trust in myself to let people know if I wasn’t okay. And I had many of talks like that, like, I will let you know if I’m not okay. Like if something’s too much, I’ll say so. I will tap myself out.
Margaret 13:38
Totally. And I can relate to that. As a woman in recovery. The problem is, is the people that we love and love us, don’t trust that.
Felisha 13:47
No!
Margaret: with good reason
Felisha: because I haven’t proven that before.
Margaret 13:49
With good reason. So that’s the delicacy of this dance. And I don’t mean it to belittle it as a dance, but it is the delicacy. It’s like I hear you say you gain some trust in yourself. Which I can relate to. But the people around me are like okay, is this just another game? Is this just temporary? How do I believe this will stick this time or look different this time? Because I would assume Felisha the little, I know you, you talk the damn good game, even when you were struggling?
Felisha 14:21
Yeah. Yeah, nobody knew. Right? I was a trauma nurse in the ER in my peak of addiction. So, I can see that yeah, they probably don’t trust my radar for sure. The one thing that did set me off last Christmas I think it was. My first-time home for Christmas and like 10 years, and I get there, and I bought all these gifts and I was so proud that I had this money to like shower everyone. And my mom’s boyfriend as soon as I got in the door, he started like pulling all the liquor out of the cabinet to bring it up to his room. And that was a moment where I was like, oh, like, there’s a lot of fear here still, that it would be so hard on everyone if they all went to bed, and I went and got drunk in the kitchen. And they would feel responsible for that.
And I could, at the moment, I didn’t see all of this.
Margaret: Right
Felisha: This is in retrospect; I can see all of this. But they also deserve to feel protected. And if that helps them sleep at night, knowing that they didn’t give me the keys, basically. That’s okay. I didn’t see that at the time. It was a big like, are you serious? You couldn’t have done it before I got here like, are you serious? But looking back, like they also have to process what damage I did before and protect their space as well.
16:11
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17:05
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Margaret 17:16
So, boundaries against the disease but loving you. Right? What does that look like? And I think the thing you bring up really clearly in that story is how do we all learn to pause a little, and give each other grace that this is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, and we don’t know what we’re doing, and we’re doing the best we can?
17:35
Felisha: Mm hmm.
Margaret 17:38
So the similar story for me, I was early in recovery. I’m a recovering food addicts. And I remember going back to Bermuda, which was definitely binge headquarters, right. That’s where I grew up. Food was every part of my life. Trips were always hard. And I went home. And it was because my grandfather wasn’t doing well, I believe at that time. And I was brand new in recovery. So, I was weighing and measuring my food, I was only eating a set plan that I would give to my sponsor, it was my first time doing it long distance from my sponsor. I didn’t have a community of support yet in Bermuda around this. And I would go to an open AA meeting for something while I was there.
And I remember going out to a very fancy restaurant, like we’re talking. I won’t name it because I don’t want to insult them. But we went to this restaurant, and it was silver service. And the big thing was you ordered dessert, because they made a souffle for you while you ate your main course.
And I remember ordering very simple food because that would work. And the sauces are coming in, in the French accent. They’re offended because I’m not taking it and I need more of this or less of this. And it was very uncomfortable. And my family was like, you know, like, what are you doing? And I brought out my scale in this fancy restaurant and I weighed it and they’re like, looking around, you know.
And then the souffles come out and they poke the center and pour it in and I can remember vividly because food is my thing. And it smelled amazing. And someone in the family said, Have a bite. It’s so good. I said I know it’s good. It looks good. I’m gonna pass. Come on. It’s one bite. What’s it possibly going to do? And I don’t think they meant any harm by it. But I had to say would you offer an alcoholic one sip?
Felisha: MmHmm
Margaret: Well, that’s different. I said it isn’t different. And so, part of it was boy, and this is also in retrospect because I was so hurt and angry and resentful and blah everything that we newly sober people feel fast and furious came up.
But now I recognize.
- I tried every gimmick possible around food throughout my life, so it was kind of another thing oh here she goes on one of her crazy ideas. I heard that actually, but it was also true.
It wasn’t a crazy idea, but in the plan of people watching it was. And so on the other side of it, they’re wanting to support but there’s such a pleasure and food and being a part of and they want to include, and it was like, it was just a crazy ride. That is different than what you’re describing. But similar. It’s the opposite, almost, right? They didn’t hide anything. They incorporated me and everything, but they couldn’t accept the new boundaries I needed to put in place.
Felisha: Mm hmm.
Margaret: And I go back to grace, and acceptance, tolerance, kindness, love to self, love to others, which is all really hard stuff to do in early recovery.
Felisha: Mm hmm.
Margaret: Because we’re so on edge. I was on edge newly sober, and reactive and hyper vigilant and all the stuff that that brings. And they were, where they were, their journey of what is she doing? Is this normal? This seems weird.
Felisha: Mmhmm
Margaret: Embarrassing. So, it’s funny what stories pop up when you chat, isn’t it because I haven’t thought of that one in a long time.
Felisha 21:12
Yeah, and I know that like my mom was doing the best that she could like she had even like plan, dinners around like the AA meetings that she found in her area.
Margaret: Awe
Felisha: But at the time, I was also like, I’ll tell you, if I want to go. But she had like highlighted where they are, like, had it all already. So that if I needed one, there was always going to be one. And we’ve grown really far from that now. But that was the first time I was in their space. And she didn’t know, really, she didn’t know me sober. And it was like starting over our whole relationship. Again, my mask is off. Now you get to really see me without the adrenaline without the drugs without trauma affecting me so deeply. And she wasn’t always at the same pace as me. And that’s where I had to find grace. She also doesn’t live with me, right? So, my recovery is pretty fast to me, because I’m in it every single day. Whereas her if I only see her once every few months, that’s three days. So, I can expect her to catch up with my healing right in the moment. And that’s been a process to learn that.
Margaret 22:46
It’s a very good point. It’s a really good point for families to hear. I mean, you go into treatment, and you get a year’s worth of resources and information to a person who does it in meetings. You go to treatment, and what does your family get? A family day? A phone call?
Felisha 23:01
Yeah, yeah. And I can imagine from their perspective, I made that call that was like, I’m better now. You know, I’m two weeks sober. And I’m like, oh, my gosh, this is great. I feel amazing. Everything’s gonna be great. And my concept of time isn’t matching up to my mom’s and she’s like, we went through four years of this. Two weeks, you’re not better. But she’s not saying those things. Right. But you can feel it. And my excitement isn’t matching her excitement. You know, we want to be better after two weeks. I’ll tell you that.
Margaret 23:42
I agree. I want to be better on that first day. I think the other piece is that you bring up that’s really helpful is around mum highlighting and planning meals around meetings. If it wasn’t this insane disease, which twists are thinking so badly, what a beautiful, beautiful, supportive gesture that is. But as an addict, my adult brain is like, what do you think I’m not capable? I’m gonna go off my rails because I’m home. You got to cater to me. What do you think I’ve been doing want to have been living with you for the last blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. And so, I think that’s amazing that she was trying to be kind and thoughtful. And it was seen as intrusive.
Felisha: Mm hmm. Yeah.
Margaret: Controlling whatever word.
Felisha 24:24
Mm hmm. But I couldn’t handle it, you know, or I wouldn’t be able to make the call myself to be like, I need a meeting. Right?
Margaret 24:35
Yeah, but it’s a dance. It’s a dance. Yeah. You shared with me a story about your grandparents. That I think would be really helpful for the audience if you’re willing to share it.
Felisha 24:48
Yeah. So, I did treatment. I think it was six, eight weeks long, that I was in for and then when I came out, I had sponsor all of that.
You’re not supposed to make amends that fast. But there are amends that you have to make because there’s an elephant in the room. Like I did multiple amends with my family, I did the elephant in the room, I did the okay, now I’ve really understood what I did. And here we are a few years later, now understand even more what I did. So, I did multiple with my family.
But the very first one, I went home, and it was my sister, and my mom, my grandpa, and my grandma, and then me, and we don’t talk about our feelings in our family. Prior to this, now we do. (laughter)
And I sat down, and I showed everybody, I had my one month chip, and I made amends for my absence. And everybody’s crying, except my sister is laughing, and she’s uncomfortable. And she’s like, 18, at the time, everybody’s crying. I’m explaining how I got to where I was, my plan moving forward, and my impact on the family and how I want to change. And everyone’s quiet. Granny says her piece that she loves me very much all of this. Papa’s being very quiet. Very, very quiet. He’s emotional. And he gets out his wallet. And he, like, throws something at me. And it’s a chip. And he had been sober, I think it was 45 years. And nobody knew. Grandma didn’t know. Mom didn’t know. And he explained that on Mondays, he’d go to Legion. And then after that, he would go to AA. And then he grabs this whole book and I, I have the book on my shelf.
My great grandfather was in the war, and he was shot came back, had really bad PTSD. He was drinking, he also entered AA. So, there’s a book that he it’s the very first like a book, but he had markings all through it. Papa had all of his medallions. And it instantly took this shame away from me that I was the first one, like the first like black sheep, I guess of the family. It normalized it.
And then we sat around for hours discussing the things that we’ve been through. So, papa started to talk about the abuse from his dad, Granny started to just talk about the loss of her child that I didn’t even know. All of a sudden, all of our walls came down. And we became so human. And less of let’s hide these wounds and the scars and project this perfect person, which I was chasing up until that point. It gave us permission to be flawed and to be messy, and imperfect. And I really I needed that moment. And I think Papa did too, for him to share that. And now every time we talk, he’s always asking like my sober date and if I have any more medallions and so I got a second medallion that was made for me to give to him. So, I just have one with my name on it as well. That’s probably part of what took away the shame to that it was now a badge of honor and that there’s now three of us that conquered it on that side of the family.
Outro: The end of this episode completely shatters the stigma shame and deception to be perfect. What is perfect? I am so grateful to Felisha for so eloquently and courageously sharing her recovery and the experiences with her family. Come back next week where we discuss codependency, cross addiction, and so much more.
Margaret 29:49
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time please take care of you!
