Today we have the final episode with Kirkland Hamill. The author of the book Filthy Beasts.
In this episode, like the others with Kirkland, and as he courageously did in his book Kirkland shares vulnerably, openly, with humor and great storytelling about the residual effects of the family disease of addiction and more importantly the gifts of his recovery through Al-Anon.
Kirkland shares the common experience in recovery of three steps forward and two back.
How recovery is not a straight line from A to Z.
Spirituality is another of many topics of family recovery that we cover in our conversation.
Find resources and the transcript of this episode on my webpage
embracefamilyrecovery.com
See full transcript of the episode below
Welcome to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret: Welcome back. Today we have the final episode with Kirkland Hamill the author of the book Filthy Beasts. In this episode like the others with Kirkland, and as he courageously did in his book he shares vulnerably, openly, with humor and, great storytelling more about the residual effects of the family disease of addiction and, more importantly the gifts of his recovery through Al-Anon. Now back to our conversation.
Margaret: You know that’s one of the things that I don’t think people understand it’s a disease and separates it from the person truly gets until you have that learning or experience personally. This disease’s way too masterfully use our characteristics against us, and our loved ones as puppets in the process. And it’s so baffling because when it’s coming out of their mouth, it’s your loved one. But really if you could step away from what they’re saying you know it’s not your loved one, it’s this disease that’s controlling them and demanding of them to continue using ’cause that’s the only way you’ll make it.
Kirkland: Yeah, there was this great, again probably came from Al-Anon, where I was talking about how when I was responding to my mother and talking to her, when she was drinking, and somebody eventually said to me imagine that you’re talking to a bottle of vodka because that’s how far you’re going to get with that conversation. And as literal as it sounds I actually it started do that. And I thought OK well this doesn’t make any sense I’m going to stop doing this and the detaching from all of those behaviors that I’ve gotten so used to. That one strategy alone just saved me a ton of heartache and frustration, because when I could look at it that way I no longer was participating in the disease and you know that’s a big part of getting healthy too. You know, you and I have talked about that we could have PHD’s in recovery and read back to back and practice the steps hours a day and sometimes it’s good just to walk out of the room and say you know what I don’t want to be around you or I don’t want to be in this environment. I’m leaving this environment. Sometimes it’s as simple as helping yourself by just moving away from it in whatever way that you can. That you don’t have to get so good at navigating, and coping, and letting go you know in an active environment you can choose to step away from that environment.
Margaret: You’re stepping away from the bottle not the person you love but to your point, it is completely counter intuitive. This person is drowning literally in front of me and changing and I’m losing them, and their behavior is out of control, but to walk away how does one do that right?
Kirkland: Giving up!
Margaret: Right. That’s the interpretation. That’s the story in our head that stops us from doing it.
Kirkland: Giving up is a fantastic strategy. Giving up. I give up,
Margaret: Surrender.
Kirkland: I’m opting out, letting go, surrendering all of it sort of in the same wheelhouse. The most effective and powerful tools that people have in alcoholic environments.
Margaret: One of the beautiful things about your written word is obviously, you, well I think write extremely well and you use humor and vulnerability in a beautiful way. But this quote that I would love you to read to our listeners from your book Filthy Beasts is just so poignant about what you were just discussing with letting go and surrender. So, if you wouldn’t mind.
Kirkland: Each interaction was my attempt to find a vulnerable place in the wall that had developed between us the attempt was halfhearted because the thought of trying too hard made me sad. I could catch a small glimmer of who my mother used to be when I made her laugh, which only happened when I stopped looking for the old version of who she was except with the new one. It wasn’t enough but it was what I had. There would never be a time even as the events devolved into our own version of southern gothic that I wouldn’t try to save her, but there would come a time when saving myself was all I could.
Margaret: Do you remember that turning point for you?
Kirkland: It was a gradual turning, was like turning an ocean liner. (laughter)
Margaret: Good visual!
Kirkland: Yeah, a lot of, there’s so much, just denial of reality and part of that is, there’s always the hope that your parent is going to get better or the person who’s sick is going to get better, and I never abandoned that. Well, that’s not true. I did abandon it at some point but for a long time I didn’t even as, it’s almost like if you could picture a dial this sort of getting the percentages getting lower and lower and lower. I would sort of realize that as time went by the outcome’s probably not going to be very good. So there did come a time as we talked about earlier, where the grieving process started because I knew she was probably going to die of the illness without having gotten help. And that process lasted for years while she was still alive, and it coincided with detaching from her quite a bit. And I get what you mean by detaching from the disease, but there wasn’t much of her left. So, it actually meant, you know, in a strange way because I had been through so much recovery, had the ability to be with her in the 100% saturation of her disease, there weren’t any sort of light spots left at the very end. And I could be with her just as one human being sitting next to another human being that I loved, in the capital sense of the word. But the person, all the qualities that I used to love weren’t there anymore. So, you come to look at love and all sorts of different ways. I was very aware of I’d gotten back to that feeling of love for her, in the larger sense while having almost totally grieved the person who was no longer there. I mean in any real sense. So yeah, that’s when you realize or as I talk about this turning of the ocean liner as the process of that turning goes you realize that, and I’d made this decision years before that I wasn’t you know, going back to the ocean liner metaphor. I wasn’t going down with the ocean liner. I was going to be OK, and I was going to grieve and I was going to be sad and all of those things that were absolutely true when you lose a parent in such a hideous and prolonged way. But I was still going to be, I was going to be OK.
Margaret: Got on the life raft.
Kirkland: Got on a life raft, was very sad that the ship went down.
Margaret: One of the most difficult things to do Kirkland. What your last line in that quote is one of the most painful parts of this journey for family members that we have to recognize this disease, the ship, will take you right down with it.
Kirkland: And if it’s going to go down, it doesn’t mean you have to go down with it. That was that was such an incredibly liberating turning point. And that grief and sadness and all of those things that are part of that loss are still there and they’re still real, and you can still go on and be a happy, functioning person on a path of healing. And still love the person and develop this compassion for the disease that took them. While you do not, while you opt out of the disease at the same time. All of those things can happen at the same time. And I think it’s one of the reasons, we’ve talked about before, the spirituality part of the program so important because for a lot of people the idea of letting go of somebody who you know was not going to make it in the traditional sense of the word or every sense of the word is such an unthinkable thing that there has to be something that you, for me anyway having some kind of higher, meaning too that I didn’t understand was helpful as a strategy even if you know. I’m not a person who traditionally believes in the traditional idea of God but as I’ve said before, I’m not sure what I believe in necessarily, but I believe very strongly in the power of belief and whether that sort of focusing on like when I first got into Al-Anon they said if you have to focus on a doorknob just to focus on the doorknob then do that and your spiritual journey can sort of develop from there however it’s going to go.
Margaret: Sounded like for you Kirkland, sorry to interrupt, it sounded like for you the group of women became that belief system in a way.
Kirkland: Well, you see the changes happening and they seem so unbelievable. Right like there’s actually a transformation in here and it’s one of the reasons when I talk about the Al-Anon meeting in the book, I talk about the laughter. People were cracking up in those meetings telling the darkest stories and it wasn’t because people were insensitive or cruel. It was because they had, we collectively had healed to the point where you could look at something that you couldn’t do anything about and find the humor in it in the midst of a lot of the darkness. ‘Cause that’s another thing that I think people misinterpret about recovery, is that it’s sort of this earnest, humorless thing and the truth is that it’s a lightening. That if you’re at a good meeting there should be a lot of laughter, and a lot of potentially dark humor. But that’s not disrespectful to the alcoholic or anything it’s just a reclaiming of joy that is
Margaret: That the disease robs you of.
Kirkland: Yes, that gets absolutely taken away from you when you are in the middle of it. And the finding of it again is so joy, you know just so amazing and liberating that the humor follows. From that it’s just an expression of the joy of this release and this kind of larger understanding of I don’t know life.
Promo: I am so excited to announce a collaboration with Kirkland Hamill and Gordon Johnson once again. Introducing the Filthy Beasts Book Club. We will be hosting a three-part series in April on the 13th, 20th, and 27th of the month. We are so excited to join with you in sharing stories and education about the family disease of addiction, where we will do small group breakouts and build our community of support. Register soon as spaces are limited for this series. To register email gordon@nullcircle.bm we look forward to having you join us for this great event!
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Margaret: Back to the ship analogy turning. As you shared mom was not the only one with the illness in your family. Have you had to turn the ship with other family members? Has it been a different experience?
Kirkland: Yeah. I mean my father, he died fairly young, and he was a different type of alcoholic. Meaning his behavior didn’t change dramatically but he drank pretty much from, you know, noon until he took a nap in the afternoon. Then drank all night, and he was somewhat limited and his emotional range and all of those things. So, you know, my and the last 10 years of his life were pretty miserable because of what he had put his body through. You know both my brothers, and it’s in the book. So, I’m not and they read it and gave permission for this or at least didn’t take it away and say, you know, I don’t want you talking about this. They’ve been very open about that themselves. There certainly have been times when there are certain behaviors that are difficult for me to be around and I need to remove myself. But I think because I have such a long background with the disease as a whole that the love doesn’t go away as I’m managing around certain behaviors that aren’t healthy for me. So, it was never as profound as my mother for any of the rest of them, those were all different. But you know my mother was the most difficult and the first. So you know, it kind of makes sense that my experience with my father, my brothers hasn’t been as involved, I guess is the right word.
Margaret: I think it’s really quite remarkable that all three of you have come through this journey. Scarred, hurt, affected in different ways. But all three of you are finding your way.
Kirkland: Yeah
Margaret: Paths may look very different, but I remember being in the book club recently with you and it was really quite amazing in that book club, ’cause everyone in the book club was in recovery. So, it was really cool to hear their perceptions. And you logged off, and one of the people said “I just want to hug all of the boys because it is remarkable that they came through this”. You in particular because of what you’re doing with your voice and sharing the truth of the illness, in being courageous, and vulnerable. Them in their own story which many people relate to who’s in recovery, ’cause they themselves have the disease but it is quite amazing to think of the resilience of people who are affected by this disease.
Kirkland: Yeah, like I talked about in the early days a lot of it was sink or swim I mean it really was as, you know, do or die as that. And then the comfort, the incredible comfort of just the Al-Anon program and finding a group of people who are navigating it with you. There’s just such a power and magic in that that is very sustaining or was for me. You know, I think my brothers and I have each obviously navigated through what happened very differently. I got intervention very early you know, both of them went through sort of the alcoholic part of it, as well as the Al-Anon part of it, without you know a lot of help and support. And so yeah, I think it’s interesting ’cause it still feels like we’re in the settling down after it’s all happened part, and it’s almost like the particles are still kind of drifting around a little bit and they will have a little bit more time to settle, and it’s been interesting as the book is come out and I’ve gotten reactions. There’s part of those reactions that you know like you’re talking about like. The intense sort of feeling that people have had, which is very nice. That still feels a little bit detached for me, and I think it’s going to take a little bit of time for me to kind of look back on it, and it maybe, I don’t know how long and go Oh my God that really was, that really was quite something.
Margaret: Yes.
Kirkland: I don’t have that feeling on a daily basis now. I think will be really nice when I do. I can sense it intellectually, but it hasn’t sort of fully digested yet so.
Margaret: Something to look forward to.
Kirkland: Yeah, I think so.
Margaret: The compassion around your family from your story, I’ve heard from numerous people who’ve read it, is just A to be able to get through it. A to find your way out, B to find your way out of it. The fact that you did make it out sometimes. Right like holy crap there are many things that could have gone wrong.
Kirkland: Absolutely and you know somebody asked me the other day, you know was there one person who, you know in your family or extended family who just sort of looked to as a Paragon of you know I’ve got them if I’ve got nothing else? And the answer was no, there wasn’t. I mean it seems kind of remarkable now. There wasn’t an adult who saw what was going on, and there wasn’t an aunt or an uncle or a
Margaret: coach, a teacher
Kirkland: Nothing
Margaret: Can I just say though that’s kind of remarkable is an understatement. That is unbelievably remarkable.
Kirkland: Well and now 19 years old Al-Anon because without that in a way, you know we talk a lot about in recovery, as things happen the way that they are kind of meant to. It’s almost like I would look back on that and say, you know, that might be a really great thing because it meant that I got this help early. ‘Cause I didn’t, there wasn’t nobody, nothing and al Anon was it for me. And it’s interesting ’cause I think about it now with my niece and nephews and, you know, I read this thing somewhere that said, you know, be the person you wish you had when you were growing up. And, you know, so I just sent my niece, Piper a text today. She was talking about something that she had done, and my text was really long, and I was like you know I really want you to think about, you know, how doing the right thing is really important and, you know, sometimes it’s not the easy thing to do, but it’s just something that you know, and however you decide to do this, you know, I’m going to be here to. And I’m sure she’s just looking at it going you know I just ask you, I just asked you a simple question why didn’t need the whole diatribe. But I can’t help myself now. ‘Cause I think, I do think to myself, what would have, what would it have felt like to if in those really lonely dark times there was just somebody who I could go to and say hey I just need help? So, you know I’m, I hope that I could do that for my niece and nephews if, when they need it.
Margaret: No doubt you are and even if they can’t articulate it at this point. As you look back over your life, I do the same. We don’t necessarily see it in the moment, but we see it as we mature and realize, wow, that person imprinted on my life a stability that no one else could have.
Kirkland: Yeah
Margaret: You’re giving them a gift of that. You’re also giving them a gift of being willing to be vulnerable and honest about your story, may give them the permission to have that same strength to be vulnerable and honest about their story.
Kirkland: Well in their, look I mean, most of them have others too which is nice, and there are extended family members. One of the things about growing up in this environment and probably the fact that we’ve talked about a lot and then this book. ‘Cause they read it and they’ve talked to their friends about it, also they have vocabulary around it. Now they have awareness of it. They have all of that stuff that just was all brand new to me at the time.
Margaret: And growing up in Bermuda which is where we were. The level of drinking and the extent of drinking I would say if you were doing an analysis of what was “normal healthy functional drinking” in quotes there would be alcoholic standard here.
Kirkland: (Laughter)No doubt I mean I try to explain to people what it was like. I mean I don’t know if you went to these parties that started at noon, and my mother and stepfather used to have them all the time and people would be invited for lunch. Yhey would come at noon, food would hit the table at 8:00 o’clock, people would leave at 1:00 in the morning, and it was just you know a session as you know they called it a session that lasted
Margaret: Now come on, you can do the accent.
Kirkland: “a sashian”
Margaret: dere you go! come on by we got it in dere
Kirkland: I try, it sounds a little sad, but like a 12 hour session
Margaret: Right
Kirkland: Just you know and I think to myself now you know Dave and I are in bed at 10:30. You know I’ll have a tequila or a glass of wine and if I’m up past 11 or 11:30 or whatever I wake up the next day and I have, that’s the other thing that I don’t know how physically people in Bermuda, my stepfather lived into his 80s. I don’t know how that was possible but yeah the it’s a whole other level that’s unless you’ve seen it, it’s really hard to describe.
Margaret: And starts very young.
Kirkland: Oh yeah, I remember going to French Connection.
Margaret: Yes.
Kirkland: Disco 40.
Margaret: Yes.
Kirkland: You could reach the bar they would give you a drink. I was 13/14.
Margaret: I was 15.
Kirkland: They didn’t blink an eye. I kind of keep think of my recovery as becoming more aware, becoming more grounded, becoming more, what’s happening with me now is that I’m very in tune with my body and how I feel physically with things that I eat and I’m starting to cut things out that just aren’t working for me. I’ve stopped drinking wine because the sugar in wine doesn’t make me feel good and you know I’ve limited the amounts of things to the point where you know I can feel my body sort of calibrating to a point where I feel good, and I feel healthy, and I wake up every day and I keep moving more. I keep moving closer and closer in that direction and that’s an ongoing thing you know, there is no destination. I give myself a lot of grace related to how I you know sort of manage that day-to-day and you know if on certain days I eat too much butter, I’m going to be OK, you know work on it a little bit the next day and keep moving to a point where I just feel like I’m moving in just a generally healthier direction.
Margaret: You know what’s coming?
Kirkland: Tell me.
Margaret: It’s my perception, you tell me if you disagree, I’m totally open to that, but when we get into recovery we’re thinking always. Like we’re always in our head. Our emotions too painful, our connection to our body if there’s been any trauma, not going there so when I hear you saying I’m paying attention to my body and I’m feeling things differently than I used to feel them, and I’m aware of it. That remarkable feeling others have for you and your brothers for surviving and being able to feel that it’s coming.
Kirkland: I can’t wait (laughter)
Margaret: We do. It’s layers right, like there’s these defenses and walls and protectors and I think that the fact that you can say that ’cause I remember when I put the food down and went into recovery how numb I had existed. And I think that codependency numbs us just as equally. You know it’s a great number if I can just stay focused on everyone else, I don’t ever have to feel a thing other than pissed off at them or resentful at them or hurt by them. And I just think it’s kind of interesting that you said that. That, that’s happened. It’s like you’re thawing right, like so all of those brains that you have, all that wonderful talent you have hasn’t gone anywhere and the emotions are, I think you’re gonna feel even more ability to take that in.
Kirkland: Like you’re saying when you’re so fixated on and you’re in the thick of it, you’re not focusing on the, the nuans right. So, it’s been so interesting to me how I’m now so much more keenly aware, that if I have a bowl of cereal at 6:00 o’clock at night I’m going to, it’s going to be hard for me to go to bed. I mean it’s as simple as that and I think OK well what’s going on there this is sugar. there’s something about that and I go OK I don’t feel it anymore so we’re going to get rid of it and then something else kind of starts to
Margaret: Bubble up
Kirkland: Surface, and it’s always been there it’s just never been in my consciousness
Margaret: Right.
Kirkland: And it’s kind of an exciting thing. It’s a pain in the ass because in some ways you’re kind of like God if I could just you know
Margaret: Numbly do what I used to do.
Kirkland: You know I’m going to the gym more ’cause that makes me feel better and all of it is like 3 steps forward 2 steps back right .
Margaret: That’s recovery.
Kirkland: And but the kind of energy and excitement over going oh OK well now I can, now let’s see what I do. What happens if I do this and do a little experiment and yeah so I think you might be right, but it’s just kind of you know this shedding of the residue that sort of built up over a really, really longtime
Margaret: Particles. Yeah, well the other piece about it, you know this is maybe going to deep, we can definitely not go there but just the types of food insecurity, clothing, basic needs, having to scavenge for yourself and put on the brave face going into a private school, where other people have, we assume plenty. Not knowing what condition from one day to the next the caregiver in your home is going to have, any kind of social trauma of people finding out or judgment. The way to get through that is to not feel.
Kirkland: Right
Margaret: That doesn’t just come away when you get to a safe place that takes the work of recovery.
Kirkland: Yes, yeah and yeah, it’s absolutely true and I used all sorts of strategies not to feel for a long time. Even as I was in recovery. I mean that’s the part of it, is one of the things that I don’t want to leave people with the impression is that you know, I hit Al-Anon at 19 and you know it was just like a straight A, Al-Anon student. Through the whole it was, it was all of the messy things that you know happen, but it was always sort of like a North star to come back to.
Margaret: Yes.
Kirkland: A reference point where I could say OK, I’m feeling I got off track here. I need to hop back on the track. Having, knowing that in my deepest bones at 19 years old, ’cause I’ve jumped off the track many, many times. And there may be many more times I’ll jump off the track from here on out. But I know that I can always go back to it and that’s been just the constant through this whole thing.
Margaret: And I would humbly say that I hope everyone listening can hear that’s part of your story, which I believe is truth in all of our stories. That this is not a trajectory on either side of the disease, active addiction into recovery or the family side, a trajectory straight forward from A-Z. And it can give us compassion for those we love who have the illness to not have an expectation that sobriety and recovery will be done and off you go
Kirkland: I mean the concept of perfection is so detrimental. And you know I was having this conversation with somebody yesterday ’cause a friend of mine who was going through a difficult thing related to a brother of hers, and I reacted poorly to it because I was bringing in my own story about my own alcoholic thing and I wasn’t there in compassion for her. I was more in there like, oh you know I can’t believe you’re putting up with this ridiculousness. And you know she just wanted somebody to be sad with and to support her in her sadness. And you know I was talking to another friend and I just said, you know I didn’t do that very well. I’m cleaning it up, but you know I also, talking to her I was like you know I have compassion for myself for why I went there, and that’s part of who I am and that’s you know that’s a shadow, a residue of having had these experiences and so I don’t I don’t perfectly show up all the time either and that’s OK. And, as I say, clean it up and get back on and try to do better the next time. But you know that’s the other thing there is no, you know, I’m as flawed, that’s not true, I’m less flawed but the flaws are there. Still flaws and you know still imperfections and I’m glad ’cause the pursuit of perfection is such a limiting, claustrophobic thing that I don’t want. I don’t want on me ever.
Margaret: Unsustainable and unattainable, perfection.
Kirkland: Yeah.
Margaret: I want to just say on the record, thank you so much for doing this Kirkland. I have so enjoyed getting to know you and through your book meeting you again as an adult and hearing your story. I believe the ripple effect of your book on so many people out there who haven’t had the courage to get to a room or to find a community or to even speak what they’ve been through, that you give them permission by doing it yourself to hopefully find it for themselves and I think that’s just wonderful. That’s the way we got recovery, other people sharing it and you’ve done that through your book
Kirkland: And thank you for that. Anytime. I love having this conversation. I’ve loved getting to know you and, I know we’re going to keep doing stuff like this whether it’s in the podcast form or otherwise and I’m here for it.
Margaret: Well, thank you.
I want to thank Kirkland and just say what a pleasure it has been to get to know him as an adult in recovery. I am so grateful as a professional in the field of addiction for the resource Filthy Beasts is for our families. Thankful that people like Kirkland bare their soul, their truth, their story in such an honest way which helps so many other people identify with their own story, and possibly, hopefully find their way to healing and recovery.
Outro: I wanted to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time. please take care of you
