Today Judge Amber shares how interventions play out in her courtroom and the way enabling shows up.
Judge Amber brings a unique quality to her work in Drug Wellness Court. She shares her journey with enabling and interventions in her family of origin.
Interventions can be what you see on the television show and are simple interactions such as hearing another person share their story and anything in between. This family disease of addiction touches the lives of so many people, and I desire to de-stigmatize this family disease and afford families resources for their healing.
You do not have to face this disease alone for one more day; let me help.
You can find me at https://embracefamilyrecovery.com/work-with-margaret/
See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction.
Now, here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back! Today Judge Amber who you heard from last week presides over Wellness drug court in Pennsylvania. Today we take it a little different she shares more about her personal involvement with the disease of addiction, as she speaks about families surrounding the participants in her courtroom. Let’s get back to Judge Amber
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Judge Amber Craft 01:14
I didn’t share my own story; I have a brother who’s in recovery. He’s an alcoholic. I’m two years older than he is. And he’s been an alcoholic since he was probably 17. Well, he’s 45. I’m 47. And May will be nine years in recovery.
My parents enabled his addiction.
And ultimately, he was able to get to a point where he got sober, stayed sober, and he’s been able to maintain his recovery. While he was in treatment, they had a family program that I went to with my parents. And it was amazing. I just remember it was really powerful to me. And that’s something that I would be interested in.
But the problem is I think enabling parents are resistant to criticism. And I can’t order anyone to do anything except for the participant in my courtroom.
So, you know, logistically, it might be a little bit difficult, but I mean, we certainly have resources I could direct families to. But that is that’s a good question. That’s something I think about, I do invite family members to come into treatment court. A lot of times we have girlfriends that come in, sometimes we have children that come in with their parents, I encourage that as long as they’re not too young. Because I like for kids to see their parents doing well, and being successful and having a positive interaction with the criminal justice system. But as far as the family involvement, you know, there’s not a whole lot that I do with the family.
Margaret 02:39
Well, you made the point, your purview of authority is over the defendant. So that makes a lot of sense. However, you have resources and links to other things, if they’re so chose to get help.
Judge Amber Craft 02:52
Yes, and I will say the county that we’re in, is very resource rich for recovery. And of course, I kind of took it for granted until I got involved. And I see the resources we have versus other counties, when I go to, you know, the Pennsylvania, you know, has a treatment court conference, it’s in October. And you talk to people in other counties, if that’s when you really get perspective, and you realize how blessed we are. We’re very progressive court, believe it or not, I did have my coordinator write down some stats here for me, October of 1997, is when our support began. And I know that we are a model for a lot of other counties starting new treatment courts, they come, and they watch what we do. And I take a lot of pride in that. But uh, you know, you learn when you talk to other people, not everyone has it as good, they don’t have the resources. Or, for example, we have a district attorney who is very much believes in treatment. With their district attorneys in other counties that are like, these are criminals, you know, I’m not going to get involved in holding this criminal’s hand.
And so, you kind of have to have that too. You have to have the right, gatekeeper, who’s the district attorney the way most treatment courts work in Pennsylvania is like that. So, I’m fortunate, in a lot of different ways.
Margaret 04:05
Thank you also for Amber sharing a little bit of your story there. And I wonder if that is part of why you do the work you do. Because I would assume this is a choice. You don’t have to do it. And it would take a certain person to do it. Do you think your own experience influenced that?
Judge Amber Craft 04:19
Absolutely. I mean, you know, my brother and I are very close. It was a very difficult time watching him. I mean, I thought when my brother was, I don’t know, like late 20s. I was like, he’s not going to see 30. And I was always very worried that, you know, like a lot of parents and siblings of people who struggle with addiction, and I don’t think I understood it then the way I understand it now, but I know ultimately, I got to a point.
My brother’s wife was pregnant with his first child. And she called my husband and I and she said, hey, if you know if your brother’s drunk, do you think you’d be able to take me to the hospital and that really hit me. I was like, oh my gosh, this poor woman. And that was kind of like the breaking point for me where I went to my family. I’m one of five children. And I kind of gathered everybody together. And I said, we need to do an intervention. And we did kind of like what you see on TV, you know, I hired an interventionist, we took him to the Caron Foundation. And this was, I mean, probably rehab number 5,6,7, it wasn’t the first rodeo. Something clicked this time. And, as I’m sure it’s a familiar story, you know, he, he wouldn’t speak to me, he, I don’t want to say hated me. But he was very resentful of me for a long time. And then, you know, when his brain was sober, you know, he was able to reach out to me and we were able to reconnect. But it was worth it. And he knows, I mean, he does some work to help people in recovery. And he hasn’t come to one of our treatment court graduations yet. Because of COVID, we haven’t had them open to the public for a while. And so, I’m looking forward to having him come and watch one of our graduations, because they’re very powerful.
Margaret 06:04
I can’t imagine and how wonderful to have him there, as a part of the story as to why you are there in that role. And I really appreciated what you shared about the fallout of the intervention. The great news is something clicked for him, and he embraced recovery. The hard part is when you’re the instigator of the intervention, the disease puts you as the enemy number one, you know, you’re the one that’s getting in the way of the disease taking him.
And everybody’s journey looks different. I’ve worked in treatment center for years where we’ve had people come in through interventions, some will be angry the entire time, some are crying out of gratitude, because they couldn’t ask for help. And it was the only option. And it’s everywhere in between as well.
I think it’s tremendous that you have the courage to stand up to his disease in the way you did. And what an eye opener, you know, I think the story of his pregnant wife calling saying if I need to go to the hospital, will you take me, just speaks to the power of the disease over people’s ability to do what’s right for the people they love the most, because in his right mind, that would have never, ever been an option. But in the disease, it changes our value structure so much, which makes sense as to why people end up in the criminal system and need help.
So, it’s wonderful what you’re doing for your participants in drug court.
Judge Amber Craft 07:29
You know, it’s a gift my brother gave me, you know, it gave me perspective we all know, there’s a lot of people out there who are just like stop drinking, stop using, and that’s not the way the disease works, and I got to witness that firsthand. It is a powerful tool for me. I can’t say to a participant, I completely understand where you’re coming from as someone who struggles with substance abuse, but I can say I’ve watched it, someone I love very much. And I tell them they all know my brother has no problem with it. Everybody in treatment court knows I have a brother in recovery. My brother is very successful. He’s on billboards. And they all know that man up there on that billboard, that he struggles the same way I do.
Margaret 08:09
Another seed of hope that they can have something different.
Judge Amber: Absolutely.
08:15
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Margaret 08:19
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09:14
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Margaret 09:27
So, I would love to circle back to parents enabling. One of the things I want to say to all parents listening is I understand and appreciate that happens out of a place of love and best intention. It is never mal intentioned. However, the disease thrives on it, whereas the person you love is destroyed by it. If you have an ability to share an example of what you’ve witnessed with the enabling behavior, in your purview. How have you seen it be a factor that’s destructive to the person’s recovery?
Judge Amber Craft 10:03
Well, on two different occasions, I can think of specifically, I had parents come into treatment court with their child during their plea into the program.
Margaret 10:15
That’s when they’re just coming on board. That’s when they have to speak to you for the first time. Okay.
Judge Amber Craft 10:19
Correct. And typically, I love to see that family support, because we all know that the support network is critical. And there was a gentleman and there was a young lady. And it was a dad for the gentleman and a mom, for the young woman. With both of them, there was a particular type of treatment that the team had recommended that they go do. And both of their parents were like, no, nope, I know my child, and they need to do this, this and this. And with both of them, I have to shut that down really quickly. And I’ll tell them right up front, if you want to sit here and undermine this treatment court team, at the very first opportunity, you’re going to undermine your child’s progress. This is a team of people who work with someone in recovery. And although we don’t know your child, specifically, as well, we know how to do our jobs, and you have to trust in the system, and you have to support us.
I know with the one, the one gentleman, he was in the program, it was kind of in and out of treatment, and now he ultimately ended up in a long-term treatment. And his dad is, he’s doing okay with it. But again, I just see them struggle so much more, because they know that, well, if I screw up here, mom and dad are still going to be, picking up pieces.
And because of my experience with my parents who I adore more than anything in the world, and again, enabled my brother with, the love of all the world, you know, so I get it. I mean, I understand coming from that perspective, that you think you know better. And I understand where the parents are coming from. Those are two specific examples. And by undermining the team and saying you don’t know what’s best, you are preventing that person from trusting the team, and submitting to the program, which is critical for the success of a participant.
Margaret 12:08
And it’s interesting, because that’s one of the things I see in my work with families. They do know their loved one really well. They don’t know the disease really well. They don’t know how well it manipulates everyone involved. And so, the other thing I coach my families on is, get out of the fray, allow your adult child to make their own choices so that they can bear responsibility for the victories in them, and the struggles in them. Whereas if you stay in the role of being in charge. You can be blamed; you can be the scapegoat. And in your case, I would assume, let us burden that for you, let us be the heavy, we’re not doing it in a punitive way, which is where they’ll end up if they don’t continue in this journey. But we’re doing it in a way that we will assess and meet them where they’re at and offer the best resources. So, here’s a break mom and dad, you know, take care of you.
Judge Amber Craft 13:03
Yeah, and that’s actually a good way to frame it. You know, for me going forward, because I’m sure I’m going to encounter it again. I actually had the one female I was speaking about she was in court this week. And I asked again, what are you most proud of? Then she said, the way my mom looks at me now. You know what I was like, fighting back tears, you know, and her mom comes to court with her. And she didn’t give me she hasn’t given me any grief since that first time. The first time she and I kind of had some words in court, she told me she was going to sue me. And I said go ahead. You know, I mean, I get it, but you need to let me do my job. And, and she is now, and her daughter is doing really well.
Margaret 13:46
That’s beautiful! You know what I hear when I hear that is also a very common story, I hear from the many people I’ve worked with who are working their recovery program from a substance use disorder’s place. No matter how old we get, we want our parents’ approval. And the most well-intentioned parent who is telling their person what to do when they don’t have the knowledge to know what’s best, is also telling their person. I don’t believe in you. And they don’t see that in the moment. They see it as we’re being loving. We’re being generous, we’re being thoughtful, we’re problem solving, we’re doing anything we can to get them back. And it’s all like I say out of love and the best of intention. The interpretation through the lens of the disease is hard enough, let alone a very vulnerable, early recovering person who just want someone to look at them and see them as something other than “the problem”.
Judge Amber Craft 14:39
Well, the most powerful tool that I have in treatment court is my praise. You know, that’s been proven evidence-based practice to say, well, first of all, treatment courts work best when the participants believe that the judge actually cares about them. So, it is important to me that I connect with every single person in my treatment court, however I can.
But you would think that, you know, we have lots of incentives, you get a gift card, I give out candy, I’m very food driven. And so, I do candy and you know, lots of different things. We have a wheel that you spin, like, you know, the wheel of fortune, and there’s a bunch of different prizes, you know, you get a credit for your fees, or whatever, you know, we’ve all these different kinds of things that we do that are kind of cheesy and campy, but they’re fun. And time and time again, it’s shown that when the judge said, I’m proud of you, that was the most powerful incentive. And to think that I can utilize that it’s very powerful to me. And a lot of it goes to what you just said, and needing that approval, but also, when they say to them, I’m proud of you. But I also say you should be proud of yourself, because you’re doing this work. And they’ll be like, Yeah, I am proud of myself. And I’m working on my motivational interviewing skills, but I’m really trying to try to develop that with them a little bit know, why are you proud of yourself? How have things changed for you? What are you doing to make those changes?
Margaret 16:04
And I think that really circled beautifully back to the parents staying out of the fray. Because to get to that place of feeling like I’m doing this, they’ve got to be the one to do it.
Judge Amber: Absolutely.
Margaret: If a parent is trying to maneuver them into what they think they should do, it’s the parents’ recovery, not the person’s investment in their own recovery
Judge Amber: Right.
Outro: “Unabling” is a term my friend Sandy Swenson uses. It is unabling our child to grow and develop the skills they need to be a healthy, functioning member of society. In listening to Judge Amber “unabling” came to mind. Love and the best of intentions by people who love someone with the disease of addiction sadly gets twisted and used against their addicted person by this powerful manipulative disease. I’m so grateful that someone like Judge Amber understands this and shares throughout this in her court.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website,
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret swift Thompson. Until next time,
please take care of you!
