Jerry Moe returns and shares about the phenomenal Children’s Program of the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.
Jerry is one of the best storytellers. He explains how their use of play, creativity, connection, art, writing, and Beamer work to assist children in making the disease the enemy and separating it from their loved ones.
When the disease is the enemy, it is easier to open up and share without feeling disloyal.
Find out more about The Children’s Program at
https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/treatment/family-children/childrens-program
Find your recovery community, or begin by reaching out to me at
https://embracefamilyrecovery.com/work-with-margaret/
See full transcript of the episode below.
You are listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast! A place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host Margaret Swift Thompson
Intro: Welcome back everyone. I know you were expecting Sandy but sadly due to COVID her retreat has been postponed, so we will rebroadcast Sandy’s episode about her retreat at the appropriate time, when it’s reoffered. Today Jerry Moe returns to tell us all about the Children’s Program at the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.
Who is Beamer? What is Beamer’s role in the program? Also how the incredible team at the Children’s Program offer ongoing support to the children and their caregivers.
Here’s more with Jerry.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret: Tell us a little bit, this audience who may not even know about the beautiful Children Program that I am absolutely a giddy fan of and thrilled that I got the opportunity to go through it myself, so I really witnessed the power of the program. Tell people who are listening what is your Children Program about? How does it work? I know COVIDs change things, so we should probably touch on that. But explain more about the Children’s Program. Cause I think people get scared of, I don’t want to take my kids because they may get exposed to things that are worse than they’re seeing at home.
Jerry: Yeah, or you’ll hear well my children don’t know anything about this.
Margaret: Number one myth!
Jerry: You create a safe space and then you put boys and girls in a room with other kids going through the same thing and they see that it’s OK, and they begin to talk.
Geeze, I have such admiration and respect for grown-ups who bring kids to Children’s Programs because it takes courage and strength. You know it, it takes an admission on some level that this disease I never asked for in my family has not only hurt me, it’s hurt my kids. Boy how, how awful that is.
So just a shout out to all of the grownups who are willing to bring their kids.
Margaret: Mm hm.
Jerry: So just in a couple of sentences, and then we can talk about how we’ve shifted things during the pandemic. Oh it’s, the Children’s Program is designed for four days, and it’s all day long. And I learned really early in my career cause outa Graduate School the best practice was you saw these kids once a week for an hour, and that was about it. And within a year, you know it’s like no we’re just about to get to something good here.
Margaret: Right.
Jerry: And then our time is up, and it’s not like a TV show. So, you can’t start where you left off.
Margaret: Mm,hm
Jerry: I think the biggest issue is one of trust. I mean Dr. Claudia Black what did she teach us in her book in the early 80s,’ It Will Never Happen to Me. Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel’.
And so, we’re bringing kids into a program and the best thing that we can do is build a relationship with them. And so, you know we’re with them all day long. We do, as you know, you’ve been there. We do group with them, we play with them, we swim with them, we eat with them, we have fun and act silly. We’re in Group and sharing feelings and sometimes there’s tears. But it’s really developing relationship and you can see over the course of those days how it really begins to deepen in all of that. So, we’re talking 6-7 hours a day, it’s a nice window into a child soul. I mean I tell folks all the time you know give us four days and if nothing else will give you a sense of here’s what we see, here is what we’re concerned about. Here’s some follow up if you like it.
So that first day is all about addiction and teaching kids how to separate the person they love from the disease that consumes them. Cause boys and girls see it as being one in the same, one in the same. So, we do a lot of work around that. all experiential, highly interactive you know keep it moving, keep it playful you know, keep it as simple as we possibly can.
That second day is a day more of feelings and boys and girls come back and they’re really willing and able to begin to share a little bit more. We create a really safe space.
Margaret: You do.
Jerry: Have a small group of kids 10 to 12 at most. there’s a couple of the counselors highly trained, really good at what they do. We might have a volunteer or two to help us, who’s been screened and trained and often it’s retired folks that the kids the almost as being a grandparent in the group.
And it’s fascinating Maggie, some kids it’s their artwork
Margaret: mm hm
Jerry: that’s how they let it out, other boys and girls who are really quiet when we write a story, you know they just continue to write and write, and write and for others it’s just talking. And so, giving them opportunities to understand, to find their voice, and to begin to express it.
And then you know the last two days of the program grownups join us.
It’s always a Children’s Program cause it’s children focus but you know through the years I’ve started to say well it’s really child centered family program, because we’re inviting the grownups and on Saturday and Sunday the last two days we go through a process where the kids are in one group, the adults are in another group, learning what the kids are learning. Thinking about parenting in recovery, thinking about some of the things they want to work on and then we bring the groups together.
In the program we make the disease the enemy. So, it’s draw a picture about how addiction is hurt your family. Draw what addiction did to your family. Write about that. So that we’re not dealing with kids being caught in a dilemma thinking that well wait a minute if I talk about this I’m betraying and being disloyal to the people I love. We don’t want them to do that but tell on the disease that loves it when people stay quiet, and silent, and invisible, and don’t say anything.
So that third day is one of self-care and that 4th day is one of celebration and then we just do a variety of continuing care things for boys and girls after they’re done.
And for the last year, and it’s been over a year now we’ve transitioned into a virtual program. Gosh when it’s virtual how much time can you spend and not go too far, you know. You’re always got an edge if you want boys and girls coming back wanting more, not saying “that was the longest 3 hours of my life” (laughter)Oh my gosh, and how do you make it fun. It’s very innovative, so it’s three hours two days in a row. We don’t try to do everything we’ve done in the four-day Children’s Program, you can’t. We do a caregiver workshop that’s separate just for their caregivers, so we hold onto that piece, that’s three hours one day.
Margaret: Wonderful, right
Jerry: We use a series of books that we created for continuing care. It’s The Beamer Series and so Beamer is this lightbulb kid and it’s just a creation of a highly talented, dear friend who lives in Hollywood. Who’s most of his career was designing album covers and movie posters. So, we’re talking Home Alone, and Pretty Woman, and Robin Hood and Bob Dylan, Michael Jackson. And then here here’s this character that he created. So, everybody is a light bulb and when their feelings change so does the color of the light bulb and, and Beamer has a mom and dad both trapped by addiction. And so, what we found, we thought how we gonna do this virtual? Well Beamer drives it, and that we go through the Beamer Stories and then kids relate to Beamer.
Margaret: That’s fabulous!
Jerry: And then with a lot of fun thrown in. I mean I think one of the things that troubles me the most is the fraternity of Children’s Programs across the United States, we are all pretty close to each other cause unfortunately it’s been decreasing in the number of programs. And some programs have been found that they needed to shorten it for a lot of different reasons and, and yet I get concerned when I’m hearing now what’s getting shortened is the playtime, the fun time. Cause I think that’s where kids really connect with each other and learn and grow.
Margaret: Jerry isn’t it also true that a good number of the children because of the disease, and the crisis, and the things in the home feel like they grow up pretty fast so giving them the permission to be a kid is really important.
Jerry: Yeah, it’s incredibly important I mean there are times, uh not so much in the virtual space, but there are times I’ve had to take a 12-year-old who you noticed the first day, that little sister can’t open up the milk carton and so there he is. Or little sister can’t find a black marker, and so he stops whatever he’s doing to get her black marker or get her the towel, and which are all really commendable behavior. Gosh.
Margaret: For sure.
Jerry: I love that you care so much about your sister, but I’ll take him aside and look at him and in a somewhat serious manner say, hey you know you gotta stop doing my job. I need this job very much, (laughter)I can’t not have this job and so you know what for the next couple of days you’re on vacation alright? You let me hang with your sister
Margaret: Aw
Jerry: if she needs something you know we’ll get it for you. I just wanna make sure that you have fun so that is absolutely true.
Margaret: Beautiful
Jerry: Giving them that permission.
Margaret: right
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Margaret: With the virtual program being obviously very different but still reaching them. One of the things that I was so impressed by, there were so many when I witnessed and experienced the program which was phenomenal. Like I’ve never said to anybody more than I would for the Children’s Program, without hesitation would I recommend parents and grandparents and family members take their children to the program. Without hesitation. One of the things that impressed me was what you did around holidays with phones, for your alumni.
Jerry: Oh, yeah
Margaret: So, can you talk about that because I think people don’t realize that it’s not just four days there’s more to it.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, I’d be glad to Maggie and so oh gosh, I’ll even tell a story. So, you know what we realize, you work with kids, you listen to kids. Kids uh and we adjust the program accordingly, and the holidays can be an incredible rollercoaster. I mean I could be a roller coaster for all families.
Margaret: Correct
Jerry: In terms of expectations and pressures, stress, it’s gotta be perfect. And we know there’s a lot of relapse, there’s a lot of fighting, sometimes domestic violence, mental health issues begin to swirl. I mean there’s a whole, the whole nine yards with that. So, for I think this last holiday, was a 21st annual. So, we do a holiday hotline. We go 24/7 and we do a quarterly newsletter that we send to every kid up until probably about the age of 14. That’s all about just reinforcing the major messages, hey remember it’s not your fault, you’re not alone, find someone safe. We can be those safe people for you. What happened, and it’s fascinating that in the last half dozen years, I wanna say that half the calls we get during a hotline are not from kids, they’re from the caregivers.
Margaret: Really!
Jerry: So, they need some help, and they see us as being safe people. And so, they’ll call us about being stressed out or I just need to talk to someone and for whatever reason um you know they pick us.
And so, I had, I had the duty. I was, I was the person who you know who carried the phone oh gosh it was Christmas Eve this last year and I wanna say it was about 8:00 o’clock at night. And I got a call from a grandmother who called me and said I gotta check something out with you. My sons not supposed to be alone with his mom because of her relapse history and she really hasn’t been able to keep it, get it together but you know it’s the holidays, and I really wanted him to do that.
And she could hear in my voice, as kind, and caring as I could be ewe, I don’t know about this, this might not be a good idea. So, I said you know what that that little guy who I think was nine years old, he needs a safety plan right now. So, here’s what I want you to do I want you to to call him somehow and give him this number and tell him that he can call me anytime. if anything happens tonight have him call me and, and grandma had told me that he really loved Beamer and so I told grandma and tell him that Beamer calls me all the time.
Margaret: oh
Jerry: Just to try to make it OK and what happened is he called me, it was about 11:30, so Christmas Eve night. And he had woken up from sleeping and mom was gone, and he was by himself. So, we called for help and we stayed on the phone and we talked and I had his number now, you know it came up on my phone that I was using, and so you know we spoke for about 20 minutes and I told him I was gonna. I told him here, here’s the plan I said we’re gonna continue to talk until there’s a grown up there that can keep you safe. And maybe mommy just went down the hallway, maybe she went to get some milk. You know who knows, but here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna put you on hold, which I did, and then I used my other phone and call grandma and explained to grandma, and grandma made her way over there to get him.
Margaret: While you’re on the phone.
Jerry: While I’m on the phone with him. Now mom came home during that time, and you know had claimed to me that she’d gone out to get cigarettes, and I just said geez you know that’s it’s really hard to do that right now ’cause your son woke up and he was scared, he was worried about you. He didn’t know what to do. I hope you can be proud of him. I hope he’s not in trouble for making a call ’cause what he did is huge. I said there’s a lot of grown-ups I know that need help sometimes that don’t even think about doing that.
Grandma is that on her way over and gets there and then calls me and says uh it’s just not looking good, I’m gonna take him home to my house now. And then just said that you know you’re right it wasn’t a good idea. And I said, “Well I, I don’t care about being right I just want him to be safe”.
So, there is an example, and there’s been examples through the years.
I remember a long time ago a 12-year-old girl calling me and asking me how, how do you cook a Turkey?
Margaret: Aw
Jerry: How long does it stay in the oven, because her mom was passed out. I honestly said you know what gosh, I could help with a lot of things (laughter) but how long a turkey, it’s gotta be in there for hours. And I actually remember getting my wife,
Margaret: Uh huh
Jerry: having my wife talk her through that, but also then getting her some help, taking that burden from her.
So, kids, kids will call us. Kids will email us; cause they all have our email addresses. Kids, kids will write us. And what happens, and it happens more, and I think it has to do with just social media and the Internet
Margaret: Sure
Jerry: in that it’s gotta be once a month at least, some months more. We’ll I’ll hear from somebody. Somebody will reach out either at a really celebratory time in their life like when they have a child.
Margaret: Wow
Jerry: They’re getting married or they’re graduating but, but they will also reach out uh because they need help with something. So, we always tell him that you’re part of our family, we care about you, we care about your safety. You’re wellbeing.
Margaret: So not only saying it but matching it with actions by being available to them.
Jerry: Well and that’s it, that’s it because I think so many boys and girls come here, and you know talk is cheap. they often grow up in families where words have no meaning, I’ll quit tomorrow
Margaret: Right
Jerry: or I’m going to divorce your mom. You know all of those, and so kids come to the program and it’s not tell me, it’s show me.
Margaret: Correct, and you do. So, for anyone who wants to get to the Virtual Program for their children, wants to introduce them to the program, I know it’s virtual. Tell people what that looks like. what the cost is. how they go about enrolling. I can add links to the podcast for people to the Hazelden website.
Jerry: Sure, yeah well there’s a couple of ways. Let me give you a number to call, to get more information and to think about registering. So, it’s 760-773-4291, 760-773-4291 and what that will do, that will be, that phone will be answered by one of the children’s counselors who can tell you, hey here’s the skinny. During this time of the year, we do the program, it’s two days, three hours each in two days. We have been doing it Saturdays and Sundays, so it is not interfering with school.
But Maggie, you know last summer what we’ll do, is we’ll do it on days of the week right because sometimes families are looking for you know wholesome, healthy things for their kids to do so there’ll be many options there. If you want to go online if you go to the
Hazelden Betty Ford website and just type in ‘recovery go’ and that will bring up all different kind of our virtual services and just look for Children’s Program. and in the year that we’ve been doing this we’re not charging people. This is part of Hazelden Betty Ford trying to give back to the community during these just unprecedented times crazy, chaotic times of the Pandemic. So there yeah there’s no cost to them at this point in time.
Margaret: And does a person have to be in treatment to participate? Can it be anyone from anywhere who just hears about it and wants to enroll?
Jerry: Yeah, you’re absolutely right it’s so think about it that it’s for 7- to 12-year-olds primarily. You know sometimes a grown-up will say geez my 13-year old’s on the immature side they might fit in.
Margaret: Right.
Jerry: Or we’ll hear about the brilliant 6-year-old that just directed a play off Broadway (laughter) incredibly, incredibly bright that could probably fit it. Just a family history of addiction.
So, the groups are really so diverse in the sense of here’s some boys and girls with somebody in treatment, but it doesn’t have to be at Hazelden Betty Ford, and so it’s early recovery. Here’s children participating and their loved one is not in treatment, and then here are boys and girls whose parents have been in treatment their entire lives, I’m sorry recovery their entire lives, and they want the prevention aspects of it. And to help their kids understand why they’re living a recovery lifestyle.
Outro: I know I’m biased about the children’s program, having been through it. However, I would not hesitate for one minute to recommend this Children Program for any child ages 7 through 12 and their caregivers.
Children are intuitive beings with creative minds, help them by giving them the learning and support this program offers them.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson, until next time please take care of you.
