I am thrilled to introduce Glory who is a daughter, who has actively engaged in her own self care, following her mother introducing her to counseling, at a young age.
Glory shares her insights as a child of an addict, her struggles and her victories. In this the first of our three part conversation, Glory takes us back and offers a peek into the journey a child takes when the disease of addiction is a family member.
I believe parents this episode will be really informative for you, when thinking about how your children may have been impacted and some tools for the recovery tool kit for family recovery.
Find resources on my webpage embracefamilyrecovery.com
See full transcript of the episode below.
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host Margaret Swift Thompson
Margaret: Welcome back. Today we begin with Glory. Glory has the story of being a daughter of someone who has the disease of addiction as well as a social worker in her adult life. This combination offers a unique perspective in the life of how this disease affects family members. Let’s hear from Glory.
Today I have with me a new friend in recovery Glory who I had the pleasure of meeting through a mutual friend who introduced me to Glory when I was doing market research for my new business. One of the things I did for my market research was called people who were generous enough to speak with me who fit my niche, which is family members who love someone with this disease and Glory was generous enough to share her story with me through our market research questions and has agreed to be on the podcast.
One of the reasons I was so inspired to invite you Glory to be on this podcast was your resiliency which came through in our conversation and I want to welcome you, thank you for doing this.
Maybe let’s start with a little sip, wet the whistle, should we do that?
Glory: Sounds good.
Margaret: Glory shares her qualifier which means, who in her family has the disease of addiction.
Glory: I would say through the process of kind of learning about my own journey I’ve actually learned that quite a few of my family members have struggled with addiction and that it is something that potentially you know is just in our genetic makeup, that’s going to be a struggle that a lot of people will deal with, but particularly it was my mom growing up that was the one that struggled. She had honestly just started off having really bad migraines and was prescribed some medication, this was in the late 80s early 90s before they really knew that opioids were addictive, and it really took over. Her doctors eventually told her that they would like her to go inpatient so they can monitor her and try to wean her off of what they had her on. Which at that time I was in elementary school and that was difficult having parent go into a treatment center when you’re you know going to school and still trying to live a normal life. But we know it’s important for her to go, so that’s kind of where started. I think for me when I realized that for sure, that there was something different about the journey my mom was going down, but still at that time they knew very little about recovery in terms of opioids and what that process was going to look like. And to be honest with you, this whole journey has been kind of confusing because it’s mingled alongside physical health problems right, kind of similar maybe too like a food addiction. It’s not like, my mom still struggles today with pain conditions, and it’s not like they’ll ever be a time where, at least according to doctors, that she’ll ever be able to be without the substance. So, it’s been definitely a journey over these many years of trying to see what that’s going to look like. What recovery is going to look like for her being someone who can never cut it out of her life completely. It’s always going to be there in some way shape or form.
Margaret: As you’ve heard Glory was a young girl when her mom first got help and went to treatment. Listen as she shares more about those early years and as a child, trying to understand all of it. When you were in elementary school and your mom went through inpatient treatment your age when that happened?
Glory: I believe I was eight or nine when that happened.
Margaret: And prior to 8 or 9 what were you aware of? Pain that she was having?
Glory: Yes. Yeah she was very, very sick. Yes I knew that she was having debilitating migraines and honestly around that time I think is also when my mom’s marriage started to kind of fall apart as well. It was definitely obvious that she was struggling emotionally with a lot of things at the time. I obviously didn’t know what all that encompassed but she was struggling definitely to get by in a variety of ways. So yeah, it was, I think it’s hard when you’re that age to kind of understand exactly what’s going on.
Margaret: Absolutely.
Glory: But it was, (cough) excuse me, definitely obvious that she was having a difficult time just doing day-to-day functions.
Margaret: So, let me paint a picture, tell me if this feels accurate, not knowing your mom or your specific situation just from talking to young people when they were around me in your similar shoes but maybe in current time – getting off the bus and not sure what condition to find their parent in, whether they’d be lucid or sleeping or hidden in the bedroom or out on the couch, maybe moodiness that was confusing. Not knowing why? Other adults and your mom in this case were having disagreements that didn’t make sense, and you couldn’t figure out what was really behind the energy that was in the room. We find that children feel this intrinsically and instinctively before they intellectually comprehend it. Is that true for what you felt? Glory: Yeah, and I would think at least in my circumstance I know today that my mom was very present in my life, but at that time I felt very disconnected from her and that’s been something we’ve talked about, is just how connected she felt to me because she felt like she was around me a lot of the time. But I didn’t necessarily sense her presence or feel that she was engaged in what was going on in my life.
Margaret: So a great visual for the listeners would be that if someone, say an alcoholic, and you’re in relationship with them when they’re active in their diseases – like there’s something always between you. And I visualize it as the persons inside the bottle and that means that anyone reaching into that person has to get, either down the top to the bottle or hits that wall that’s put up by the bottle and, I think in any addiction, the substance or the behavior that’s the addiction is a buffer between the addict and, everyone in their life. And even though they might perceive it as normal or everything is fine the ones on the outside feel like they just can’t quite reach.
Glory: Yeah, yeah I would definitely say that’s the case.
Margaret: So, she went to treatment, you were around 8 or 9, how long was she way do you remember that at all?
Glory: I don’t remember, but I do know like it was very much presented to me that this was very much a medical thing they didn’t want her to go through withdrawal at home and they needed her to be under supervision. But at the time it was very much like this is a medical thing, she’s going in for and then she’ll come out and everything will be back to “normal “.
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Margaret: Glory shares vividly how even as a child she witnessed how recovery changed her mom and their relationship.
Glory: But when she came out what actually happened is, she started going to meetings, and it’s funny because I don’t think she realized how impactful that was for me, but she, I saw so much difference in her. Engaging with the sponsor and going to meetings, that she almost became more of a tangible person to me, I was able to connect with her a little bit more. And to her, when she tells the story, it’s like oh I went to meetings for a little bit and I had a sponsor for a little bit, and it was just like a very black and white thing. Something she went through because you know they recommended it. But it was, it was huge in my life and one time in my life that I can remember being able to see my mom make huge steps in her growth at that point so yeah it was interesting. ‘Cause I think for her it was it was very much I’m just ticking these boxes because this is what the doctors have said is recommended, but for me I saw huge changes in my mom.
Margaret: It’s fascinating that you were that perceptive at such a young age. Do you think you were always pretty clued in, paying attention? Do you think you’ve been observant child?
Glory: I don’t know, I guess it’s possible. Obviously, I am a social worker and so I think probably there are some of those tendencies to try and always be like, you know learning about other people and what’s going on, on the inside, has been something that’s always interested me. But I think to it was kind of different, I don’t know if this is how everyone’s journey is, but my mom, actually we would spend time with her sponsor doing different activities together. and she, we would go shopping together, I got very close with her, so I think all of that helps me kind of see my mom in a different light and being able to connect with another human being. Where I hadn’t really seen her be able to have connection with others. So, it wasn’t just me it was also how she was interacting with other people too.
Margaret: Yeah, my children will joke about hearing me say the serenity prayer out loud at least twice a day because I speak to my sponsee and my sponsor. I just had an exchange student and every evening at 8:45 I have a call with my sponsor, and she wanted to meet her ’cause it was like she was part of the family, ’cause she was on the phone every night with me and she’d be around. So, we ended up getting to do that. But it’s just funny, because you point out what my kids have experienced too. That not only do you see a change in the person, but you are exposed to other people who are in recovery. In which I hope, gives hope to you when you saw that as a little girl that there was someone out there who was there to help your mom but also cared about you.
Glory: Yes, for sure it definitely did. And I remember even things like going bookstores and looking at like the One Day at a Time books, and different little things that really I remember looking at that stuff. Learning just even from the character development of you know the different things that those presented, I think was really interested in, it was interesting to me.
Margaret: Beautiful. So, you had an introduction to recovery at a very young age even if mom struggled to maintain her recovery you were at least shown that there was a way out for people.
Glory: For sure, yeah.
Margaret: Was there ever any talk that you recall about Alateen, Al-Anon?
Glory: No and actually we’ve had conversations recently about it. Kind of as I’ve become more interested in exploring those things. I think it’s been, it’s been interesting ’cause I feel like, a little bit I went backwards maybe. In terms of figuring that all out for myself, but my mom says today you know I don’t know why that never crossed my mind. I should’ve had that cross my mind but to be honest I think it was so presented in such a medical manner while my mom was going through that. It never really was like a mental health issue or a trauma issue or anything like that. It was much more this is just a medical thing we have to take care of, as if it didn’t impact anybody else right. I think back then they really didn’t know that much about it either. I think you know there just wasn’t as much awareness about it and so that’s probably part of it as well.
Margaret: Sure, and I think that’s one of the things that intrigued me about your story Glory, is you say I went I’m kind of gone in the reverse order or backwards. Your introduction to Al-Anon has been later in life but yet you have been a fighter for your own wellbeing from early on, despite many people who are exposed to addiction negating their own self care for years before they find recovery.
Glory: Honestly, I have to say that’s probably in large part due to my mom and I don’t know if it’s because of her recovery or what it was but she had me in counseling at a pretty young age. I was probably maybe 12 maybe 11 or 12 when I remember first going to counseling and realize that I was really struggling with some anxiety and depression, and I think it was through some of those services that I really started to realize I had to own it myself. Whatever I was dealing with, I was going to have to figure out a way to get out, and I owe that to her. You know I’ve been in counseling honestly almost pretty much off and on ever since then, and I hope it will never leave my life because I do feel like it’s something that I have to own always. Is if I’m struggling I need to go out there and I need to figure out some way out of it.
Margaret: So, when your mom introduced the concept of you getting counseling, was she someone who sought counseling through the years even if it wasn’t treatment with addiction, but did she seek that service or was she more concerned about you making sure you got what you needed?
Glory: I think she did. I know definitely as I got older. She was definitely involved with the counselor. I don’t know if she was much before then but definitely after recovery, going into treatment I know for sure she was in counseling.
Margaret: That’s great there were a lot of people that don’t give themselves the gift of therapy and counseling. I absolutely believe in normalizing it. You know if we have a medical problem go to the doctor if we have an emotional problem we go to a therapist and I wish there was less stigma. It’s getting better but I wish they was still less stigma about addiction and getting mental health care for ourselves.
Glory: Yes, for sure. For me it’s just a tool my tool belt for everything else that that I have to deal with in life. You know you have different things you know. there’s a lot of things with selfcare that I think are getting more normalized now, but for me that’s huge, want to have an outside person be able to look at my situation and really give me a different perspective, and like I said help me figure out the way, the way out of that.
Margaret: Do you believe you went into, you mentioned you’re a social worker, you went into the helping profession because of your story?
Glory: I believe so yeah. I think whether it was directly related to recovery, knowing that I struggled at such a young age definitely inspired me to try and help other people that were struggling. And again, I don’t know, there was probably trauma and things that happened to me before that even occurred, but it definitely was the beginning, I think for my family to start kind of getting help and working through things.
Margaret: So, Glory expands on how she found her spiritual path and then we talk about the challenges of supporting an adolescent in the family disease of addiction. Your faith journey which I do know is very, very powerful in your life, did that start early in your life? Was that introduced by family? Was that something you found when you were in this difficult time that you’re describing in the adolescence?
Glory: I would say I found it after I kind of got through the hardest part of my journey, and I found it on my own. I mean obviously none of us finds anything at our own probably. But yeah, I got really involved in a youth ministry when I was probably about 15 or 16 and that’s really what turned things around for me. My family wasn’t super involved in church or anything like that but this youth ministry kind of presented the gospel in a way that really made sense to me and help put the pieces of my life together in a way that I was like, this makes sense and I know God can use this. And so that’s really what ended up making a huge difference. I feel like not only in in my personal journey but just like my mental health journey. Understanding how he created our minds and how he created us, to use us for good so.
Margaret: So. within recovery traditionally it’s the triangle – emotional, spiritual, physical, you found the spiritual component in conjunction with the mental component it sounds like. Those were your saving grace of getting through the hardest of times. For those listening who may be parents, who are having a hard time understanding how it’s affecting their children, their teenagers, only to the level you’re comfortable, can you share what was going on for you in that difficult time before you started to feel like you came through the worst of it. Like what types of things would an adult who was paying attention or observing have seen in you that might have been, hello! Let’s get her some support, there’s something obviously happening here.
Glory: Well, I think one thing to be honest with you that I think was helpful is my mom did normalize getting counseling for me. So that in and of itself kind of gave her an entry point of knowing when there was crisis and when there was crisis my counselor did alert my mom that I needed other intervention. And so that first and foremost I’ll say like even for my own kids, you know, I’ve encouraged them to get counseling since they were tiny because I know there’s always that safe place for them to go to, even if they feel like they can’t come to me there’s someone else they can turn to and talk about those issues, but I will say definitely the isolation. I was definitely isolating a lot. There wasn’t really anyone that I was connecting with.
Margaret: So as a parent typical teenage behavior hanging out in your room, video games, music. you know whatever it was that you were doing in isolation would it have been hard for someone to notice that being atypical?
Glory: It’s possible. Yeah, it’s definitely possible. I think that’s probably a lot of what attributed to it going on for probably longer than it should have. In my particular situation there was self-harm involved that eventually my mom discovered, but it was pretty far, I was pretty deep in that, before that became apparent to her. And then I also disclosed things to my counselor that led her to know that we needed to take other intervention steps but to be honest with you, I was doing a lot of the normal rebellious things. But I think a lot of us just call rebellion we don’t try to unpack it necessarily. But I do feel like sometimes it’s worth unpacking and at least offering a third party you know that’s completely unrelated to be able to be that safe place to talk about those things if the if the child or the teen isn’t really in a place where they feel comfortable talking to their parents about it.
Margaret: Well I hear that message through your story Glory loud and clear. I mean the reality is you were screaming for help silently. You were exposed to therapy young which thank heavens right like, you had that outlet that a lot of young people don’t get because they’re afraid of labels, the parents. Labels or stigmatizing or it’s not that bad, it will pass. So, to your mom’s credit, to initiate that and to feel that that’s a normalcy, that’s an OK thing to do is brilliant because that probably got you through.
Glory: Yeah, and I honestly think it probably did save my life. I’m incredibly grateful for that, but again, I got through like that really hard time, it was probably my early teens but then I kind of found myself there again just a couple years later. ‘Cause I was missing that piece for me. That meaning and understanding to my life was the part that I was missing, and that’s what I found in my faith. I think it can be really difficult to figure out what is normal isolation and rebellious behaviors and what’s not. But having that that person, that outside person ’cause I think there was a part of me that probably wanted to protect my mom.
Margaret: Join us next Sunday to hear more from Glory about how roles of children change because of the disease being in the family.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story please find resources on my website embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret swift Thompson until next time, please take care of you.
