0n a recent podcast, Episode 24, the topic was sponsorship.
If you missed it, find it in the link below.
https://embracefamilyrecovery.com/ep-24-what-is-a-sponsor-do-i-need-one-im-not-good-at-asking-for-help/
A regular listener to the podcast suggested another episode about meetings.
Such a good suggestion.
I appreciate topic ideas and people sharing feedback about the podcast!
So today will be all about meetings.
Thank you Barb!
I am here to help.
Reach out anytime via my email
Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com
See full transcript of the episode below.
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret: Welcome back. So today one of my super fans, yes, I have fans it’s quite exciting, shared with me the thought that maybe it would be good to talk about meetings. So that’s what we’re going to do today we’re going to deep dive into meetings, and no this will not be a comprehensive all listing meetings because there are so many, but I thought an intro to how meetings work would be helpful.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
So, meetings are very important part of recovery for people with the disease of addiction and for people who love them.
Where do you find them?
My best recommendation is to locate meetings online. So, for example if you’re looking for an Al-Anon meeting you go to Al-Anon.org and you’ll notice there’s tons of resources within the websites for these meetings. Such as stories, newsletters, traditions, steps, promises lots of information to just read, a self-evaluation to do. They’re all there but also is a section for find a meeting, and in that section, you have the option to find meetings in person, online, on phone, there’s Facebook pages and emails, chat rooms, blogs. There’s lots of ways to seek resources for yourself.
I know that despite my history of having attended many meetings in different locations, cause one of my favorite things to do is when I travel find a meeting in that location and attend. Because it’s pretty incredible to me to think that there is this fellowship, almost a secret society of millions of people around the world that are there for us if we choose to go. The biggest thing that gets in the way for me is my Monkey Chatter. It doesn’t want me at those meetings, it doesn’t want me hearing the information that will help me. It doesn’t want me to be self-caring and self-focused. It’s all about fix, manage, control and stay on everyone else.
So, I go online, and I look for a meeting. And of course, with Covid, which was very difficult because face to face meetings shut down, which are now starting to come back, so there are places that are hosting face to face meetings. For a while people were very creative and doing meetings outdoors in parks when weather permitted and so that was a neat way at first. But now the buildings are opening up the churches and different locations for meetings, so people are going in person.
The other great thing about COVID that’s really been valuable is the amount of online meetings and zoom meetings has quadrupled. And the neat thing is I can get on my computer and be at a meeting in Scotland and I will hear the same slogans, the same readings, the same steps and traditions, and hear stories that are similar to mine in a room halfway across the world.
I appreciate that, and I appreciate that it is also very intimidating for most of us to get on those meetings. Ah, in person is hard enough to walk over a threshold but it’s, it was really hard for me to twist myself from in person to online, and zoom meetings, I found that difficult so be gentle with yourself if you find it scary. And I’ll also say do it anyway cause it’s worth it.
The other thing about finding meetings is there are very many different types of meetings. So, there are areas within search engines on the web sites that offer gender specific meetings, meetings for parents, meetings for beginners, meetings for the LGBTQIA+ community, adult children, which interestingly it appears the literature is changing from Adult Children of Alcoholics to Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. There are teenager meetings or young adult meetings, Al-Ateen but also young adult meetings and what Al-Anon did was create a teen corner, which offers chat rooms because we know that our youngsters use texting and chatting much more proficiently than the adults do, and so that was a way to reach out in an age-appropriate way. Al-Ateen meetings are meetings just like Al-Anon.
So, Al-Anon was designed by Bill W’s wife. And the history is that when Bill was having his original meetings they would be held in their house and Lois, who is his wife, would cater to them. You know make them coffee and snacks while they met in the front room. And on one evening Lois went out to walk outside, she’d had an altercation with Bill, she was very frustrated prior to the meeting. So, she went outside and was walking on the street outside and she saw cars lined up with women sitting in them. And she realized in that moment that those women were bringing their partner to the meeting because predominantly they were male attended, at that point in history.
And so, she went to the doors and said, hey would you want to come inside for a cup of tea and chat, I could really use the company. And the women went into the kitchen and that is where Al-Anon started. The women met in the kitchen and started having meetings while the men met in the front room. And I just think that’s amazing, right, all the meetings that she probably didn’t think about herself, just making sure their meeting was catered to, and in this evening where she had that altercation she realized, you know what I need something and went outside and found her community.
And that’s really what meetings are about. They’re finding your community. Finding a place where you can talk openly and freely, when you’re ready. Cause there’s no pressure. With people who have like experiences, similar stories, and want to be able to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, and also hear from you,
so that they can continue to grow and heal in their recovery.
And this is universal with meetings whether it be a 12 step meeting for a person with sexual compulsivity to gambling to addictions of other kinds, to a family member.
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There are words on the website or abbreviations that sometimes you might not know, and again this is not a comprehensive list but some of them. AFG means Al-Anon Family Group. Beginner’s meeting is for people who have not attended before. People who are new to recovery and want to find a beginner’s meeting, which I encourage people to do if they’ve never attended a meeting. There are 12 steps and traditions study groups, those are where you’d study that literature. There are meetings for studying the book ‘How It Works’. If you don’t know what the abbreviations are, or the title of the meeting means click on it and very often you’ll find a description.
If there is a listed contact person for an in person meeting or an online meeting, I would support you in reaching out to them ahead of the meeting for two reasons:
- To find out that the meeting is actually happening. So that you go when there’s a meeting happening cause sometimes, they don’t happen and the updates haven’t been changed in the website.
- The second reason is when we make verbal contact is someone in the rooms before we go more than likely part of the conversation was I hope to see you there or I look forward to meeting you when you come. And I think there’s an accountability in that that helps us get past the monkey chatter and the fear to walk in the room.
The other great equalizer in meetings that I have had to talk myself through, everyone there is there for help. Everyone there is there for themselves and their family. Everyone there has been through challenges, trauma, and difficulties as a result of this family disease. And when I get scared of people sharing that I’m at that meeting, it really helps to remember that the people at that meeting wouldn’t want me to share either that were there for the same reason.
Meetings are not necessarily going to be what you think they’re going to be. Unless you go to a therapeutic meeting where they’re run by someone who’s a professional in the field, they are fellow travelers. People who are attending the meeting and may be further ahead than you, but it’s not about advice giving or telling you how to fix your person with addiction. It is about being in a room with people to share your story and hear their stories. And what is magical about that is, I believe meetings are a place where mirrors are held up to us. So, what I mean by that is if I sit in a room of fellows in 12 step recovery, it is very rare that the following doesn’t happen; I’ll hear someone say something and it will trigger a memory or I’ll have a moment of clarity about something I’ve been struggling with or I’ll hear something that I just needed to hear to help me in my emotional state at that moment.
Those are reasons to go to meetings. Another reason to go to meetings is to get out of our own head when I say things out loud my ears hear them differently when I think them. And so, for me being able to say out loud something and let my ears hear what I’m saying in a different way than if it’s in my head, is so helpful. Not only that when I say it out loud especially if it’s anything to do with monkey chatter it diffuses the power that that chatter holds over me in that moment and possibly in moments going forward.
There’s also many other types of meetings Quest 180 which are here in the Twin Cities area run by Eagle brook Church, and they may be in other locations too. So doing some searches in your community. But what those are is meetings for people with the disease of chemical dependency and other behavioral and chemical addictions. It is also meetings for parents’, meetings around codependency, meetings about eating disorder and it is a place where they use the 12 steps and combine it with biblical teachings. So, it is very much a Christian oriented, faith-based program.
There’s also families anonymous that is a meeting where people can go and learn from a family perspective. It is smaller than Al-Anon but they offer in person meetings, zoom meetings, phone meetings also. And Families Anonymous may feel like a more comfortable fit for someone especially a parent where they might have parent groups. One of the things that was on Families Anonymous website were types of meetings, topics of meetings, and whether they were English speaking, and they were very comprehensive in those formats to be able to look up and figure out what you need.
I think it’s so helpful to find your tribe, your community. I will probably repeat it many times on these podcasts, and you’ll hear it from my guests in their stories.
The ‘we’ of recovery is so powerful and it is so empowering. I don’t know about you listening, but I know that I have felt so powerless at times. And when I feel that way and my Monkey Chatter is kicking my behind, I go into fix, manage, and control without even being aware of it. And that doesn’t help me or the people I love. And when I’m around people in recovery, when I engage in the ‘we’ of recovery the load feels less heavy. I have to be open to it; I have to be willing to hear. Think about the fact that some of what I’ll hear feels counter intuitive, but what I love about meetings is, I hear people solutions, I hear people share what works for them. They don’t tell me what will work for me, but they share what works for them. If you find yourself at a meeting and you hear in your head this is so hard. This is such a waste of time. This is so negative. How is this going to help me?
I want to encourage you to stick it out. The recommendation for people in early recovery is to try a minimum of six meetings in the same location. Now obviously if that location and that meeting feels abusive or unhealthy in some way that’s obviously not OK, don’t go back. However, if it’s just that internal resistance and discomfort with the unfamiliarity and the fear of exposing myself, remember who you’re sitting with. People who have the same journey, similar stories, who want your help as much as you want their help. Giving it six meetings allows us to get past that Monkey Chatter’s incessant voice telling us we shouldn’t be there. It also affords us an opportunity to make connections.
One of the neat things about meetings especially in person is the time before or after for visiting with one another. Sometimes people will go out for coffee or a meal before or after, and you start developing a friendship and a fellowship outside of the meeting, which is also a very powerful tool in this recovery path. To know that you have people you can call who have heard your story, who know your story.
About meetings they should be solution oriented. The meetings are not about fixing anyone else; the meetings are about getting to understand how this disease has affected us, and tools to use to help us move forward and feel like we’re gaining peace, and serenity, and healing, they are solution focused and that’s really important.
So if you can’t seem to locate a meeting in your community a great person to ask is someone who attends an AA or an NA meeting and if they’re aware of open meetings for attendance by family members. When looking at a meeting it’s really important to make sure it’s open. You might notice when you look for a meeting online it’ll say ‘friends and family of’ welcome or open it may also say closed. So, when a meeting says it’s closed it’s for people who fill the category for that meeting so for example if an AA meeting says it’s closed, that means the meeting is to be only attended by people who identify as alcoholics. If it is open then it can be friends and family members go to.
When going to meetings consider going without other family members. obviously if you live in a small community and you’re going to face to face meetings that might not be possible if there’s only one meeting a week. If there’s only one meeting a week I hope that it will be a big enough meeting that you could have small breakout groups, and what that means is, for example in a meeting there may be a topic for the night and somebody leads and shares the topic, and then the meetings breakdown into two or three sections depending on the size. And that small group has a discussion about what they heard and where they identified with it. In those types of meetings, I encourage if you go as family members more than one of you together that you break into separate groups for discussion. It just affords people the space to share without worrying about other family members hearing or interpretation, and it gives you a chance to be more free with your shares.
Meetings are very universal in how they’re run. There’s a format, there’s quotes and readings that we hear each time. They often open with the Lord’s prayer or the serenity prayer or close with one or the other. The slogans might be heard, the steps may be listed in posters on the walls. There’s a comfort in going to meetings when that happens because once we attend meetings and know the format and I feel like we’re more familiar with it, it just feels like we’re part of the community. it doesn’t feel so different.
I am incredibly grateful to the people that greeted me at my first Al-Anon meeting. I had moved to Minnesota from Bermuda. I had been very resistant to meetings at home for fear of seeing people I knew, and I was excited to go to the meeting ’cause it was anonymous.
And I’ll never forget I walked into the basement of a church in a small town in Minnesota, and I was scared to do that on many levels and then in that church basement there were about four women, average age of 70 wearing bib overalls, most of them. And I thought am I in the right place?
- because, I was 20 something
- B. what’s with the bib overalls, and by the way there is no dress code, bib overalls are not a dress code for al Anon meetings, that was just what they were wearing.
You know what those women gave me, respect and dignity and a willingness to be vulnerable with me even if I wasn’t opening up. And they allowed me the space to get to a comfort to share my story, and then didn’t tell me what to do. They gave me unconditional positive regard, and they also gave me their stories and experience which taught me so much. And I’m forever grateful for them, and for every other meeting I’ve attended.
Not all meetings are A+’s but if I go into a meeting asking my higher power to show me something, let me hear something, keep my mind open to whatever it is I could learn. I inevitably walk out of that meeting having gotten something that helps me. So, a lot of it is in the way we approach it. I hope you find a meeting, find your community. Do some research. If you’re not sure what you’re finding feel free to email me at margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com
and I’m happy to answer questions.
Or message me through Facebook
Embrace Family Recovery Facebook page.
You’re not alone, the only way we’re alone in this journey is if we choose to be, and you don’t have to suffer alone one more day.
Please find your help, your support, your community.
Practice what you preach! Words of the wise. I was talking to a fellow traveler today and they made the suggestion of what about a self-care break from producing podcasts weekly. So that’s what I’m gonna do.
It’s not that anything is wrong. Life on life’s terms has been very hectic recently and I’m just going to take a little time to self-care and practice the principles that I talk about on this podcast so frequently.
Don’t worry I’ll be back in a month. I will return with the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast on September 12th with the start of a fantastic conversation with Jerry Moe, the children’s whisper.
He will share and enlighten about how the youngest members of the family are impacted by the disease of addiction.
Please enjoy the break! Practice your self-care! Revisit old episodes, share with your friends if you found the podcast helpful.
Listen for the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast to return on September 12th, mark your calendars or follow on your favorite streaming channel and then they’ll let you know when it’s dropped!
Please find resources on my website
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time take care of you!
