Welcome back to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Today, I share a powerful writing by Amanda Weston titled ‘I’m Done Explaining Myself,’ which emphasizes the futility of trying to change others’ perceptions. Amanda writes about the importance of focusing on what is within one’s control, such as thoughts, actions, and responses, rather than trying to control others.
Margaret highlights the need to let go of what is beyond our control and to avoid over-sharing and problem-solving, which can rob others of the opportunity to grow. She stresses the importance of maintaining peace and serenity by keeping one’s side of the street clean and avoiding codependency.
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1Margaret 00:14
Hi everyone. I am Margaret Swift Thompson of Embrace Family Recovery and the host of the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
It is my passion to talk about everything surrounding the disease, which is a family disease of addiction and recovery. And so, I want to read something that was shared with me by my dear friend Heather. This spoke to my core, and I thought it was worth sharing and talking in this solo episode.
The title is, I’m Done Explaining Myself.
I’ve learned that no explanation, however heartfelt, will convince someone who has already chosen their version of the truth. Why? Because their beliefs are beyond my control, and what lies outside my control isn’t worth the energy I’ve wasted trying to change it.
If someone decides I’m the villain in their stories, so be it. My peace does not depend on their perception. Their judgment is their burden to carry, not mine. I’ve come to see that explaining myself is a kind of struggle, a desperate attempt to bend reality to my will.
But true power comes from not altering others, but from mastering ourselves. So, I let go. I let them believe what they want. Let them say it was my fault. Let them twist the past to suit their comfort.
I won’t spend another moment fighting battles I didn’t choose. Instead, I’ll embrace the calm that comes from focusing on what I can control my thoughts, my actions, my response to life’s chaos.
I choose silence, not as a retreat, but as a reclaiming of my power.
And if my silence is misunderstood, so be it. If it’s uncomfortable for others, that’s their discomfort to resolve.
Explaining, justifying, debating, none of this creates peace. Peace comes from within, from the wisdom of knowing when to release what weighs you down. So, I let them go, and in doing so, I set myself free.
Words by Amanda Weston.
This touched me because the day that I received it, I was having one of those days where my monkey mind was going everywhere on every subject, every person, every situation that was beyond my control. When I read it gave me a sense of calm. It took me back to Carolyn White when she used to say the quote that I hold dear, “what other people think is none of my business, unless they choose to tell me.’
We live in a time where there’s a lot of opinions, there’s a lot of expressions, there’s a lot of discord, there’s a lot of division, and it can be tiring and wearing. And so, what this really did was reframe for me, what is mine to deal with, and what is mine to let go of?
Well, to let go of people, places and things that are out of my control, and that’s everything and everybody, but me and what I do, what I think, what I say and how I behave. That I have the ability to control.
Is that hard sometimes, yes, are there times where I am so jazzed up by something that I just want to scream and shout and debate, yeah? Are there times when I think, gosh, I know the right thing for somebody to do, to be okay, and maybe I do. But is it mine to share it? Definitely not, unless I’m asked for my opinion. And secondly, am I robbing someone by being that problem solver for them, from getting the opportunity to feel good in their own skin because they figured it out for themselves?
By no means do I believe we abandon those we love. That is not what I teach, not what I believe.
What I do believe, though, is in overdoing over sharing, over problem solving, over talking. I rob people who I love of the strength and skill building that they’re required to do to navigate this world we live in, whether it’s around their disease of addiction, mental health issues, careers, relationships.
I’m no one’s higher power, and I struggle to remember that when it’s someone I love, and I feel like I can help you. What I have to really tune into and remember is, what’s my motive right now.
I don’t think there’s malintent in there, but there is this ugly current of truth that I have to face every time I open my mouth to try to direct someone else, that more than likely it stems from a place in me where I’m uncomfortable, watching them struggle, because I love them. And in that discomfort, I want to jump in, and I want to help them, but more importantly, I want to eradicate my own emotional discomfort, and that is not the right reason to jump in.
That is using someone else to make me feel better, that is trying to make other people’s lives more manageable, so mine feels more manageable. I have not found that to work for any sustainable length of time.
I really appreciated in the reading how they talked about if someone else feels discomfort around me, that is theirs to navigate, and heal, and face. Or talk to me about.
The thing that I have the ability to do in my monkey mind is to get in there and figure out what they are feeling without them ever telling me by reading their body language or their quietness or their comments and taking them to where I interpret them to what they mean. That is a rabbit hole that will take me to a place of codependency every time it happens. My job is not to do that.
My job is to be at peace wherever possible with my own behaviors, words, and actions, with the right intentions and motives behind them, and also recognize other people will have feelings about my behaviors, words, and actions that are theirs to manage.
However, if they choose to speak to me in a respectful way, and I can do the same in return, that’s a win for all of us. What is not a healthy nor helpful for any of us is me trying to be a mind reader and figure out what somebody else is feeling before they even articulate it, because the articulation and identification of our feelings is each and every one of ours work to do. It is not for us to do it for another person.
I wish you peace. I wish you serenity, and I know the greatest thing that’s afforded me that is learning to keep my side of the street clean and to let go of all of those wired brain paths that want me to be other focused and jumping into the role of fixe, managing, and control.
That is like chasing a never-ending moving target. It might feel good when I hit the bullseye once in a blue moon, but it feels far more painful when I miss, and cause harm, unwantingly, but ever so true by doing work for others, that’s theirs to do.
So, take care of you, and I wish you peace and calm and joy one day at a time through your own recovery work.
Please find resources on my website, embracefamilyrecovery.com.
This is Margaret Swift Thompson, until next time, please take care of you.
