Welcome back to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast! In today’s episode, Mallory Henry returns to share a deeply personal story about how addiction affected her family, with a special focus on the often-overlooked struggles of siblings.
She opens up about her brother’s battle with addiction, the profound impact it had on her family, and her own emotional journey as a sibling.
Together, we explore the critical need to validate the experiences of siblings and highlight the importance of providing resources to help them heal. Don’t miss this powerful conversation on supporting the unsung voices in the disease addiction and recovery.
Bumper 00:01
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. Today I continue my interesting conversation with Mallory, who is a sibling of someone with the disease of addiction.
Mallory talks about life growing up with a sibling with addiction and how unseen and unheard her perspective was. Mallory shares her personal story and how she’s created sibling support communities which is a much-needed resource.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:25
You mentioned he’d been in and out of treatment experiences. Were you a part of anything with treatment? Family Programs, counseling calls?
Mallory Henry 01:35
No, never, never, no. And I’ve asked my parents that, you know, is that, is it because I was in college? Is it because I wasn’t home? And both my parents had said, no, no one ever asked. You know, no one had ever said anything about a sibling. I know, I know I felt the same way. I was trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, like, maybe it’s because I live three hours away, and that was why. And they were like, No. And to be honest, my parents didn’t really get any education either. I think my mom was like, we had one family session when he was in treatment.
Margaret 02:08
Shame on us. Shame on those who are helping people with this family illness. That your parents didn’t get much and you got nothing. I’m so sorry about that, because I think that you and I now know on the other side of this from where you sit today, where I believe my philosophy comes from, the magic and I hate the word, but the healing that family does, whether their loved one is in recovery or not, is significant to everybody’s outcomes and healing.
Mallory Henry 02:41
100%. there’s no if ands or buts, none about that. None.
Margaret 02:44
Okay, so tragically, no resources given, yep, but somewhere within you, that spirit within you of I realize that I’ve survived pretty dang well through a horribly difficult situation, and I need some more help, so you seek care for yourself. Yes, and at this point, where’s your brother’s journey at? Is he in recovery? Is he in treatment? Is he still out there? What’s going on that way?
Mallory Henry 03:11
So, he was still in active use when I started seeking my own counseling.
Margaret 03:16
Was that a factor, like my own bottom possibly, or my own needs mixed with his not getting well. Or was it purely, and I don’t mean this badly, but in a selfish way, I just need help.
Mallory Henry 03:29
I think for me at that moment, I think it was selfish, right? I need help. I think in hindsight, I can see now how so much of that was compacting on me, right? I was taking on the feelings of my parents separately. I was taking on my own stuff. I had college, I had a relationship, and then I was taking on my brother’s, you know, responsibilities as another child in the home, because he couldn’t tend to those. Right like, I think that was a piece of it too, you know, that responsibility of holiday planning, and who’s going to go where, and who’s going to do what, and what date, you know, especially with divorced parents, what, who gets Christmas and who gets Thanksgiving? And so, I was taking on all of those responsibilities and building more resentment, probably, towards him at that time of like, you’re supposed to be with me
Margaret: Right
Mallory Henry: in this, right? I’m not supposed to be doing this alone either.
Margaret 04:23
So, I have to ask a question that I’ve witnessed, and it might be difficult, but you don’t have to answer. I’ve heard siblings who’ve been vulnerable enough to say when they weren’t the one with the disease of addiction. I kept going and going and going. Even excelled, and I never felt like attention was given to me, kind of like, when’s it my turn, all the conversations were about the crisis around them, the other person, and I just kept going and felt resentment, sadness, and had to find that elsewhere. Sure, is that a true experience for you?
Mallory Henry 05:04
Absolutely, I talk about this a lot because I do think that happens to a lot of siblings, and we don’t give a voice to that,
Margaret: Right?
Mallory Henry: Because I think sometimes it can feel selfish to say I just wanted someone to validate my experience.
Margaret: Yes,
Mallory Henry: even though I know my brother could have died right like I think it’s really hard to say that. What about me, even though I know that he needed that attention so much more than I did in that moment. But I was to T, a perfectionist. You know? I went to the school I was supposed to go to, that the legacy was in my family. I got even through all of this, really great grades. I excelled in school. I did everything I was supposed to do, yet I was, I felt like standing on the outside of my family saying, hey, I’m over here. Yeah. What about me? I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. He’s doing everything he’s not supposed to be doing. Yet, all of not only your attention, but your resources are going towards him.
So, you know, when I was in college, my brother did seek treatment. My parents had exhausted insurance and, you know, and had to tap into my college fund to pay for his treatment when he did seek treatment, like without of insurance, which meant I took on a more of a financial burden for my education. So, I think not only just attention,
Margaret: Right.
Mallory Henry: but also resources. Yeah, you know, whatever that looks like.
Margaret 06:40
So, I have to imagine that was a tough moment. Though, do anything to help your brother because you want him to be okay. I’m still now giving of myself, and what could help me not incur debt.
Mallory Henry: Right?
Margaret: And if your brother was not to leave that treatment and stay in recovery, that might bite a little harder.
Mallory Henry 07:09
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Margaret 07:12
Were you asked to do this? Or was it assumed? Or how did that go down? Because I think it’s so important for families to hear that sometimes there are natural boundaries, even financial boundaries.
Mallory Henry 07:24
Yeah, I think I didn’t know at the time. I think it’s more learning as time has gone on, how those re I wasn’t a part of those discussions.
Margaret: Got it.
Mallory Henry: I think, you know, again, as a parent, they were trying to keep my brother alive, and he was really at a crossroads at that time, right when I was probably a junior in college, and I think the plan had been all along that there would be some financial assistance. I would take out, some loans I needed to take out, probably more than I would have, just because of resources were being used elsewhere. So, I know I was already privileged with a piece of that for sure, but yeah, I think what it did was build resentment, you know, again, what about me? What about you know, I’m doing what I’m supposed to, yet the resources still aren’t being directed at me.
Margaret 08:13
And I would think that that’s also something for restoring relationship between you and your brother. That would be a barrier,
Mallory Henry: Yeah,
Margaret: Not because either of you made that choice, but because both of you were impacted by that choice. And I’m not judging your parents. My God, I am a parent. I have done similar when I’ve needed to. And you do the best you can. All of a family system is doing the best that they can an insanely difficult situation.
Mallory Henry: Yes,
Margaret: I would think, even with all that truth, restoring your relationship and healing it with your brother, you had to look at some of that stuff that was built up over time.
Mallory Henry 08:49
Yeah, and I think, you know, a piece of is my brother didn’t know, right? Like, I don’t think I had ever verbalized to him how I had felt through the whole situation because he was sick. I don’t know if he would have heard it. I mean, obviously we had discussions in his active use that never went anywhere,
Margaret: Right?
Mallory Henry: It always resulted in anger, frustration, yelling, screaming, you know, trying to get parents to pick a side, things like that. That ultimately probably built up even more resentment for the situation, because I continually felt like no matter who I looked to in my family, no one could see my point of view. And I think it takes a lot to say, You know what, about me? And again, I don’t judge my parents. It saved my brother’s life in the grand scheme of things, and that’s worth every loan I would have to take out to still have my brother alive. But at that time, there was a lot of resentment towards it.
Margaret 09:42
I want you to repeat that, but I’m not going to ask you to, because I know if you’re anything like me, when you say it, it comes out from the heart, and then it’s gone with the piece that you just said about it’s worth every penny because he’s alive and doing well. They did what they did, and that helped give him that opportunity.
Mallory Henry: Yes,
Margaret: Do you feel that your brother got to a place where he was willing to do the work necessary, because no parent can make someone get sober, and he was afforded education and exposure to treatment and modalities to help him. Where do you end on that one? Where do you sit on that one?
Mallory Henry 10:25
I 100% believe that. So, when my parents used, my brother ultimately got arrested when he turned 18, and my parents were able to basically work so that if he was accepting of treatment. He could get out of jail, quite frankly, and go directly to treatment. And that is what they used those funds for. For, basically an extended care program, yeah. And that program changed his life the first time. And he did put in the work. My parents received some education. Still not a sibling. We’ll get there. That hasn’t happened yet. But my parents did receive education, and he had long stand. I mean, he had five years of sobriety from that point, from that treatment until a relapse. But, you know, worked the program.
Margaret: That’s great,
Mallory Henry: Yeah. So ultimately, it did save his life. I don’t know if I’d have the same view if that didn’t happen. I’m so glad it didn’t. I’m sure I didn’t have a lot of belief in the program at the time, because I we hadn’t seen anything be successful up until that point. Yeah, it’s worth every penny in the long run, because it did ultimately save his life.
Margaret 11:38
Does he say what saved his life?
Mallory Henry 11:42
He will say, yes, my parents deciding to leave him in jail and tell him that it’s either stay there or go to treatment.
Margaret 11:49
So, it was the boundary. It was the boundary of this is what we can support when you stay where you are.
Mallory Henry 11:57
Correct. And honestly, I ultimately think that was the first time my parents set a boundary collectively, that they both agree, yes, a united boundary that I was in, I was told that was happening. This is what we’re going to say. We agree on this. We have a plan in place. If he wants treatment. We already know where he’s going to go. We’ve talked to the treatment facility. We spoke with the judge, you know, those types of things. I think it was the first time everyone kind of came together to say, this is the plan, and, yes, a clear, concise boundary that was agreed upon by everyone in the family.
Margaret 12:35
Says a lot for boundaries healthy boundaries.
Mallory Henry: My favorite topic,
Margaret: yes, and realizing they don’t force someone to change, the person takes the invitation to change, you know, because he was given an option, he was given the option to stay put,
Mallory Henry: Yep,
Margaret: or engage in treatment. And thankfully, he chose treatment and engaged in it, apparently, to have then the outcome of sobriety.
Mallory Henry: Yes,
Bumper 13:01
This podcast is made possible by listeners like you.
And I’m so grateful you’re listening to this podcast it means more to me than you know! As a result of the growth and continuation of my mission to help more family members find resources and enhance their toolbox with things that can help them navigate this journey of recovery, we want to let you know that I’m coming back with family coaching.
So I’m starting the Embrace Family Recovery Coaching Group again and I want to make sure people know that this is a group and it’s a coaching and it’s open to anyone impacted by the disease of addiction. From a family’s perspective so it could be your parent, your partner, your child, a sibling anybody. If you would like to be a part of this educational and supportive community, please go to my website embracefamilyrecovery.com and look into the coaching group. We’re going to have it for all people impacted so we’re not going to divide the group into parents or partners or siblings we’re going to just have an embrace family recovery coaching group.
So, if you want to know more, please head to my website.
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. Can you relate to what you’re hearing? Never miss a show by hitting the subscribe button. Now back to the show.
Margaret 14:18
So when you start looking at healing from this as a sibling, was that through recovery communities, yourself and therapy, how did you find your way to come to heal from the impact of the disease on you?
Mallory Henry 14:35
So, I really think ultimately, it wasn’t until my brother relapsed, so he had five years of sobriety. In that time, I was finishing college, graduating, getting job, doing my thing. Ultimately, got a job at Caron because I became very passionate about working in the substance use field, working on the prevention end, especially in schools, because I feel like there was a, you know, some things that I wish schools had understanding of when my brother was struggling. But he relapsed five years later, and I think that, honestly, that relapse was the turning point for my entire family. I think he relapsed. I actually worked for Caron. They were gracious enough to scholarship him at the time using our employee campaign. So, Caron’s employee campaign asks Caron employees to donate a portion of their paycheck towards scholar shipping treatment for loved ones or family, which I think is really profound, because,
Margaret: Yeah,
Mallory Henry: obviously we believe in what we do, or we wouldn’t give a portion of our paycheck to that, right? And I was very, very lucky that I called and said, my brother needs treatment. He’s willing to go. Can we get him in? And they said, get him here tomorrow and we’ll scholarship him on the relapse program. But I think that’s what changed, because when my brother went to Caron and we had a family session, my brother said, I did all this work, and none of you did any. I mean, like I did all this work, I went to meetings, I changed my entire, moved away, you know, did changed my entire life, and none of you did any substantial work as a family. You know, I had gone to therapy through that time, but then graduated and moved away from my therapist, and, you know, hadn’t really picked up anything since that time, and it was really not only his therapist, at Caron saying, what are you guys going to do about this? You can’t just expect him to change.
Margaret 16:38
So incredibly impressed with your brother having the support, tenacity, courage to say that to his family,
Mallory Henry: yeah,
Margaret: because we know when someone goes into treatment, especially after a relapse, the shame is through the roof.
Mallory Henry: Yeah?
Margaret: And he was able to articulate that. He was basically saying, I need you guys to help me by doing your own work.
Mallory Henry 17:01
Yeah, I need you to have some skin in the game here. Yeah, because the system, the system didn’t change, right? Like I think we as individuals evolved, but collectively as a family system, we didn’t do any work.
Margaret 17:17
And to be fair, you weren’t invited to do any work.
Mallory henry: Yes, yeah,
Margaret: the treatment teams, in my humble opinion, glad I don’t know who they were, failed you guys. And when you got to Karen, there was an invitation to engage and realize that the impact on all of you to recover from, required and benefited greatly from all of you engaging in recovery of some kind.
Mallory Henry 17:45
Yes, yes. It was the first time my parents were offered education. It was the first time any of us were told there are support groups, not just for him, but for you. You know, there’s your own work. This is what family recovery is. I mean, I didn’t know that term until that time, and I had worked in the system too, and I think that’s just and I think sometimes there is that disconnect, and that’s, you know, what I’m so passionate about in my work, is, how do we connect clinical to prevention and postvention, right? Like that whole continuum, because I worked in prevention, but I didn’t know the clinical piece per se, and what that looked like from an inside perspective. I could see it on the outside, you know, here’s the continuum, here’s the treatment plan, all those things. But it wasn’t until it was my brother in that bed that I was like, you know, or told, hey, there’s a whole continuum here, and you guys are part of that continuum too. You can’t expect him to come out of here, and everything’s going to be fine if you’re not going to do your own work.
Margaret 18:58
So how many years was it from first exposure to care for your brother till your family got invited to recognize this is a family disease and family recovery is a part of it? Al-Anon, CODA, whatever program is part of it?
Mallory Henry 19:15
Probably 1213. Years.
Margaret 19:20
Can we just like, hello,
Mallory Henry 19:24
you know, I know, and it seems so crazy now looking back on it, but I just, I feel so much for families because, you know, I work with families that have active use or new recovery or something like that, and it’s so chaotic and everyone is at capacity. Everyone is stretched to their beyond,
Margaret: Right,
Mallory Henry: their limits. And I think everyone is grasping at help, like, throw me a life vest. Here. I’m drowning. Give me something. And, yeah, it was probably 12 years until someone said, here’s a raft. Hop on.
Margaret 20:02
And thank heavens that happened, that eventually you were given that. Yeah,
Mallory Henry 20:05
yeah. Because I think of all the families that are not right, you know. And again, you know, we were lucky enough that he was able to go to a great facility, and we had that luxury of a scholarship. Because I don’t think without the scholarship, it wasn’t going to be an option. My parents had exhausted everything at this point. He didn’t have benefit, you know, like there was a lot of resources lacking at that point. But I think about all the families that don’t have access to any of those things.
Margaret 20:30
and how many treatment centers don’t offer
Mallory Henry: Yeah,
Margaret: don’t provide
Mallory Henry: Yeah.
Margaret: And so yes, thankfully, you were placed in a position where you were at a facility at Caron where that was a part of the treatment program, yes. So he has this really vulnerable conversation with you. Were you able to receive it? Was there a little defensiveness, like, Where were you all in that conversation?
Mallory Henry 20:53
I think I was able to receive it partly. I think working in the field helped. You know, I had worked in clinical settings and things like that, so I think I was prepped enough to know that, you know, if he’s going to have an I statement, vulnerable conversation, I know that I need to validate that perspective and opinion. I think my mom probably struggled more with that conversation. You know, I think because, as a parent, I’m sure you know, you’re thinking, I’m doing all I can, I’m exhausting all efforts, and now you’re asking me to do more, and that’s a hard ask. It’s a hard ask. I think I’m also, you know, of a generation where we’re a little less stigmatizing around mental health and substance use, I know for me, like, obviously, I’m here sharing my story. I share it a lot. I don’t feel any shame related to it. I know that’s not the same for you know, my family. They’re lovingly willing to let me share my story. I’m not sure they would feel the same way about sharing their story, because I think they also grew up at a time where we don’t talk about these things. We don’t talk about feelings; we don’t talk about. And always joke, my grandma has a sign on her way out that says, like, put a little lipstick on and you’ll be fine, you know. And I think that was, like, my family’s mentality, you know, if we just looked fine from the outside, no one needs to know the turmoil that’s going on inside. So, I think when someone’s looking at you saying that can’t be anymore, you know, I’m going to have to share my story. I am going to put a voice to this. I think that can be really uncomfortable.
Margaret 22:34
Ours was put a little lippy on,
Mallory Henry 22:37
yeah, it still hangs next to her door, leaving to the garage.
Margaret 22:41
And you know what? Bless them, that was the generation they were in. They were not given permission, encouragement to do any of that stuff. It was just get on with it. Make it happen.
Mallory Henry 22:50
Just make it look good from the outside, right.
Margaret 22:54
Which I inherited and lived fully for a long time. So, you hear this, you receive it, and you’re already working in the field, do you then look at engaging in recovery for yourself?
Mallory Henry 23:11
Yeah, so I started going back to therapy. I have a husband who has a brother in active addiction, still to this day, but we’re both a sibling perspective. So, you know, we talk a lot about it. At that point, I had also knew so I had one child and was pregnant with my second when my brother relapsed. So that was also a big piece of our conversation. Was I need to learn how to set boundaries around my brother having a relationship with my children, because he had really damaged that, you know, being, using substances around my kids, you know, things like that.
Margaret 23:47
His disease destroyed the trust and destroyed the ability to trust him with the children.
Mallory Henry 23:53
Yes 100% Yeah, because I know it wasn’t him, right, like my brother is a loving
Margaret 23:58
Right, you wouldn’t have had him around to begin with, if that wasn’t the case, right?
Mallory Henry 24:02
Yes, true, but I think I said like was like, I’m going to need someone to help me set those boundaries. Root me in why I need those boundaries. Help me verbalize those boundaries of what that looks like. I also started doing some step work myself, even with, you know, my therapist kind of saying, you need to do this work too. At that time, I realized there really isn’t sibling support groups. So that’s a whole other avenue I would, you know, I know Caron had parent and family support groups, and they’re labeled family. At that time, there was one, so it had the leader happened to have another child that I knew was a sibling, but there weren’t siblings in the group. Most of them were parents. So that perspective is vastly different. It’s funny because I used to say to my brother all the time, you know, who’s still actively involved in 12 steps? Like, it’s really sad that you have to have the disease of addiction to find a group where vulnerability is the basis of the group. Like, I wish that existed outside of suffering, right? Like I wish I didn’t, because I longed for that. I think I was looking for that too. If I can do it myself with a therapist, and I was lucky enough to have one that worked through those steps with me, but I didn’t have a support network.
Margaret 25:23
A question about that, please. So, you mentioned Caron had the family program, which meant family, but there was generally not siblings in it, for when you were there, if you ever explored Al-Anon, NarAnon, any of those, did you have the similar experience that in those rooms, it was very rarely, if ever, a sibling. And so, you felt like, do I have a seat here? Is this the right place for me?
Mallory Henry 25:46
Yes, I tried multiple avenues, multiple groups, even, like, some online forums, things like that. That maybe it’s like, maybe just not in my region. Maybe these things exist outside. I would run into a lot of parents, and that was the exact perspective I didn’t want at the time, like, that’s the perspective I have gotten the whole time, was listening to my parents. I wanted someone who was my age, you know. So, you know, young, young kids, of what that perspective was and even if there were some siblings, they weren’t like a consistent member of the group, because they felt the same way, ultimately, that, you know, the groups primarily are parents or spouses. You know, was another, another piece. It wasn’t siblings, especially young adult siblings.
Margaret 26:36
And in my experience, of all the meetings I’ve been to, I would say exactly the same. I have maybe not even 1% of my meetings would I say there were young adults who were siblings. Yeah, and you do want to find someone who looks like you, even if they’re older, but they’re a sibling, at least, you know you’re on a similar path. So, this might veer us off your story a second in the years of working in prevention and working with Caron and your own journey of recovery as a sibling, have you seen improvement in sibling care? Are there support networks for siblings? What do you know for siblings that are out there?
Mallory Henry 27:15
So, I have brought that up, and that’s something I do. So, I do offer, part of my over oversight of family education is I do a annual webinar for parents on how to support your other child. Because, again, like you said earlier, it doesn’t have to be substance use disorder. I’ve had siblings talk to me about a brother who had a stroke and similar felt similar situation, finances, resources. I mean, it doesn’t have to be substance use disorder. I think we can’t put it in a box, because there’s a lot of reasons why attention and resources go to another child in a family. So, I do that education, and then I’ve also done education for siblings, to just put a voice to it, to say you’re not alone in feeling this way, and don’t feel selfish by saying these things. And then recently started a sibling support group with an organization called Students Recover out of the Philadelphia region. And they focus on young adult siblings who are impacted. They work with people who are in recovery at that young adult age, but they actually came to us and said, we’re noticing a lot of siblings reaching out for support at like, a collegiate level, like going to the counseling center saying, I have a sibling. I don’t know what to do. Much like, it’s funny, because that’s what I did at the time, right full circle, saying we have this need. And I was like, yes, like, sign me up, because Caron has always had a sibling support group as well. Getting siblings to the table has traditionally been a challenge. The silver lining of COVID was zoom, and the silver lining was, let’s see if we can do this on a more national level, and because locally, it becomes more challenging when you have to get people there physically. So now we, you know, I do facilitate, I co facilitate a sibling support group. And almost all of the siblings, I mean, we have a range, but a good chunk of them are late 20s, early 30s. We have a couple in college as well, but it’s nice to have that that young adult reference point,
Margaret: Yeah,
Mallory Henry: because another thing that comes up in a lot of those is we have our own children now, and parenting changes based on substance use in the family, and what we’ve experienced as a sibling ultimately trickles down to how we parent our own children. So being able to have that discussion in a support group is really, really powerful, because most a lot of people don’t know. I mean, a lot of my friends don’t know what that’s like. I can’t have that conversation with them. You know, when do you start talking about that genetically you’re more predisposed, and we need to be careful, because your brain might fall. Function differently. How do I have those conversations, and who do I go to with that? So I do think we’re on a trajectory of including siblings, at least to give them a voice and a resource, but also to educate parents on what can you do? So instead of trying to guilt you into saying you screwed up because they didn’t in hindsight, again, you were you’re doing the best you can with what you know and the resources you were given didn’t support talking to you about how to support your other children,
Margaret: Right?
Mallory Henry: So how do we give a voice to you as a parent to repair that relationship with your other children and allow you to validate their experience without judgment.
Margaret 30:44
It’s fabulous. So, I definitely need those resources to put on my website and also to put up with this podcast when it airs. So, all of those, the Philly group, the Caron group, and your webinar, if it’s an annual thing, yep, please, because that’s such great stuff. So, we got to make sure they know about that.
Outro: Join me again next week where I conclude my conversation with Mallory, she shares her experience of discussing addiction with her young family and how she helps her children begin to understand this disease.
32:52
I want to thank my guests for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website, embracefamilyrecovery.com.
Margaret 33:07
This is Margaret Swift Thompson, until next time, please take care of you.
