The work of family recovery.
What are the challenges?
What are the payoffs?
In this episode, Sandy Swenson shares how as family members, we deny our addictions and issues because our preoccupation with our addicted loved one is all-consuming unless we develop a community of support and tools to develop self-focus rather than being other-focused 24/7.
What is there to be grateful for when the disease of addiction has infiltrated our family?
Could the answer be ‘our recovery’?
As we end this episode Sandy reflects on the power of mamas, which seems fitting on this Mother’s Day, May 9, 2021.
For the club of mothers of children with addiction – a club we never wanted to join, we are stronger together, find other mamas.
To all the mothers out there Happy Mothers Day!
See full transcripts of the episode below.
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. A place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret: Welcome back on my last episode Sandy shared on ‘unabling’ which is her powerful and helpful interpretation of enabling. It is a must hear episode. Please find it and all other episodes of the podcast at embracefamilyrecovery.com
Today sadly will be my last episode with Sandy Swenson. I’m sure you’ll agree with me she is simply fantastic at sharing about her recovery and this family disease in such a relatable and informative way. Let’s get back to Sandy where we dive right into our work in recovery. The challenges and the pay offs. She will also read from her latest book ‘Just Dandy Living with Heartache and Wishes’.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret: When I’m focused on someone else and managing their life, I don’t ever have to take any looks at the stuff in my life that’s not working.
Sandy: Boy, that one is really true. Phew, yeah that’s when I realized oh you know what I think I’m addicted to smoking cigarettes dang it (laughter) all these years, here I’m having him go to treatment this was in 2008 um, I bet I have my own addiction I’ve never realized I was really addicted to smoking cigarettes till I had to look at me.
Margaret: It’s work. Just like their recovery is work our recovery is work also. It’s interesting our stories are somewhat similar in that I got into recovery initially due to a partner, who had addiction and pre that relationship I’ve always used people to avoid my own stuff. I didn’t know it. That’s come with recovery. But once I got into recovery and years into recovery with Al-Anon I got honest about my food addiction, and into recovery for food addiction. I was doing no different than a junkie shooting it up except I couldn’t shoot it up. I was eating at all, right and it was absolutely a mood altering behavior, that until I got abstinent did I realize how much it numbed me and mood altered me, and kept me with a buffer between me and everyone in my life,
Sandy: Sure.
Margaret: including my Higher Power. So, it’s interesting that you say that about nicotine ’cause that was my experience. I didn’t have time to look at my own stuff ’cause it’s too busy trying to fix this person, manage this person, and make sure this was going right, and make sure I look good to the whole world even though inside I felt like garbage.
Sandy: Yes, and then once you do start taking care of yourself, the stuff whatever the stuff is ’cause we all got stuff. It’s hard and it’s you have to go you know over some mountains and down into some valleys but it’s life changing, you know it’s life changing. I to was you know was smoking ostracized and I would be out with people and the whole time I would be out it would be the I wanna go home I wanna go home so I can go out on the deck smoke I mean how stupid is that you know? (laughter)
Margaret: No different than an addictive drinker or an addicted drug user finding ways to sneak away or do enough before to manage. And then be around people but that got shorter and shorter, and less and less and you’re preoccupied the whole time with when I can get out of here and do it.
Sandy: Totally and then later once you make it over the hardest parts of the humps and then life shifts and shapes out into something so much nicer and even if somebody you know we all have stuff, and they might not be addictions of smoking or eating or whatever but stuff just stuff and when we work on them, we just come out a better person on the other end.
Margaret: What’s the quote ‘my worst day in recovery is far better than my best day using’.
Sandy: Absolutely yeah.
Margaret: You know and, and it definitely doesn’t feel like that every day.
Sandy: No
Margaret: But it is.
Sandy: But it is.
Margaret: Every day I’m conscious and I’m in touch with more than I’ve ever been before. And every day I have an option to face what I’m facing rather than escape, mood alter, disappear, numb and that I show up with integrity and authenticity. I’ve never had prior to recovery.
Sandy: Yes
Margaret: Feels really nice.
Sandy: Yes, yes and everyday consciously in other ways that we are now able to do. Is to take whatever we are given and make it better, not worse. Consciously moving towards better things. And it’s good.
Margaret: And wouldn’t have got here without Joey.
Sandy: Absolutely there was a, with the first treatment place afterwards, after the family program you know they hook you up with a parent who will call you and stuff. Just a buddy, a buddy and this woman called me and her child, she had a daughter roughly same age is Joey and I had not met her or anything it was just a phone call. And she was talking and her daughter had been in recovery now for a couple months and you know good things were happening, and she was grateful for this journey and oh my gosh, I was so not in a place to be hearing anybody say that they were grateful for this journey.
I’m still stuck on what the hell is even happening here, life is awful. How in the world can this woman be saying to me that she’s grateful for this journey? I just wasn’t in a place to hear that with any sort of happy ears you know, (laughter)and I gotta say I’m still not grateful for the journey because, no I would rather not to have ever had this journey. But having been given this journey I am grateful for all of the things that I have learned on this journey, and I am a better person for having been on it. ‘Cause I have discovered parts of me that I didn’t know I had, and I’m kind of surprised that I had the strength ’cause I had never had my strength tested. And yeah, so for those things, people I’ve met, the things I’ve learned, the discoveries I’ve learned about myself, I’m grateful for those things.
Margaret: Really well said and I ask people a lot when did you come to a place of gratitude for the addict in your life, and the journey. And I think what you’ve just pointed out is a really awesome interpretation of that. That you never wished this or would happily not have this be your story. However grateful for what you’ve learned because of the story.
Sandy: Yes, and I’m extremely grateful for that.
Margaret: Which leads us into the next book. Correct, tell us a little bit about what led to your newest book ‘Just Dandy’.
Sandy: So ‘Just Dandy’ is the next, you know iteration of the whole journey. So, so it’s it’s called ‘Just Dandy Living With the Heartache and Wishes’ and I mean that’s where I am, and that’s where many of us are. And living is the key there ‘Just Dandy Living With the Heartache and Wishes’. Because I carry a bucket load of heartache with me, and wishes that things would maybe have been different or might still be different. But I found a way to live with these things, in a way, where I really am just dandy most of the time. There is times I’m not, but for the most part I can say that. And not only just with addiction because of course that has been just life and soul changing with you know my, my son’s addiction.
If we have children of a certain age who have addiction then we are also of a certain age and life things happen. And so not only maybe are we going through living you know with a child with addiction but as in my case now a broken family, a divorce. My parents, I have two parents who are you know I had to move out of their home of 60 years and into memory care and some really just really difficult things. And then having to make a career at age 60 and facing life alone because all of my important, closest people have gone either through divorce or addiction or dementia or whatever. My immediate people are gone. This is and I’m not the only one living with these things or similar things. And so, but I have a power in me again, the strength, that I was referring to earlier that I didn’t know I had. I was, I have been able to deal with these things that have been really, really, difficult with much more grace and strength, I’m certain of it, then I would have if I hadn’t already been to the worst place on earth. Which is having a beloved child with addiction. We have grown in ways we don’t even know, and that strength can be applied to so many aspects of our lives. So that’s where Just Dandy’s coming from.
Margaret: And is it a meditation book or short stories? What kind of book is it?
Sandy: No it’s a, it’s a story it’s more like ‘The Joey Song’.
Margaret: Continuation of the story?
Sandy: Yes.
Margaret: About you?
Sandy: About me. This is not about Joey at all. this is about me.
Margaret: Fabulous, so it’s almost like we do in recovery. We start with our focus on them, and then we move into our focus on ourselves. So, you’ve done it in your writing.
Sandy: Yes. Exactly that because of Joey song was absolutely started with the purpose of writing about him which veered into well oops it didn’t turn out how we expected so yay we’re going to work on this.
‘Tending Dandelions’ is the progression of starting with oh crap what’s happening to you know, helping others. So, it’s a progression of each little nugget along the way, and then ‘Just Dandy’ is that. There’s not much in there about Joey. I mean there’s mention of course but it’s, it’s the journey of all of that strength that we have as Dandelion Mamas, as mothers, as wives, as friends and, and harnessing that strength and being OK, and really being OK because we take it in our own, you know our own hands. Take what we’ve been given and then you know change the way we look at it, how we react to it.
Margaret: Hello everyone. I want to thank you all so much for listening to this podcast, it has been so powerful to receive comments and reviews and see all of the downloads that are happening. This was something I wanted to do to offer tips, nuggets, resource is for anyone out there who loves someone with the disease of addiction to be able to access and help them on their journey. It is humbling to realize that that is happening, and please if you find this helpful share, The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast with anyone who you feel would value it. And if you’re so inclined please go to Apple podcasting and write a review. Thank you again and take care of you.
Bumper: This podcast is made possible by listeners like you. Can you relate to what you’re hearing? Never misses show by hitting the subscribe button, now back to the show.
Margaret: Would you be willing to read an excerpt from ‘Just Dandy’?
Sandy: Sure. I will read, I started off with a letter to the Mamas so I will just read that.
Margaret: Wonderful!
An excerpt from Just Dandy by Sandy Swenson
Sandy: So dear Mamas no one ever said it was going to be easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard either and if even if they had I would never have believed them. It being life with all its unexpected heartache piled atop crumpled dreams and wishes.
As the mom of a now adult child who battles addiction, I know the devastating toll of this disease, the love and lies, fears and hopes. Twisting the mystical umbilical connection into knots. Addiction is ruthless breaking hearts and bonds and all the rules. Oh, how I wish there were a way to go back in time and nudge the direction of our path over a smidge, just enough to lead us anywhere but here. This place where love and addiction meet.
However as much as I wish my family could have avoided all the pain, trauma. and drama. The truth is I’m a better person now than I was even aware I could be. I’ve had to dig deep, feel big, see truth, and be real. Because of that I’ve discovered a deeper level of patience, acceptance, kindness and understanding of what really matters. For that I’m grateful.
I’m also grateful of course for all the wonderful Mamas I’ve met along the way. The brave, strong, hurt, terrified, confused, open armed and openhearted sisterhood that otherwise would not have blessed my life. For many years I was consumed with my son’s addiction. Thinking I could fix it, change him or somehow manage his life and disease for him. Overtime I came to realize that the only thing I can change or control is me, but that has real power. Through my words and actions I can help shed the shame and stigma. Changing the way addiction is perceived within my community and within my son himself. And through my books, and blog, and mompower website and trying to help other moms on the same path I have found healing. But I’m also tired. My 60 year old self would like to take a rest, but being the mom of an addicted child is continuous uphill journey of learning and adapting while carrying an unrelenting grief for what is, for what should have been, and in anticipation of what might be coming next.
In addition to everything else we juggle as mothers, wives, daughters, caregivers, worker bees and friends. Life is not one dimensional. There’s a lot of other tough stuff piling up to. Day after day, year after year, one after another, on top of another. But as moms with addicted children, we are strong. My goodness we continue to endure the unimaginable every single day. And we have learned more ways to cope than we may even be aware of.
Ways to think and see and respond to all the other tough stuff we’re faced with to. We may not be able to make every situation better. But we can behave in ways that make them not worse and, we really can find our way to being just dandy and mean it.
Several years ago, at a museum with my dad I was drawn to a glass case displaying a partially completed piece of handwoven lace with dozens of delicate threads being used in this creation laid out like a sunbeam from the center. Attached to the end of each thread was a wooden bobbin giving, I assume, the weaver something of substance to hold on to, but also helping to keep the multitude of threads laid out in some sort of manageable arrangement. I told my dad that the piece of lace in the works looks what it feels like to write a book. Keeping all the individual thought threads separate and untangled and, keeping track of which one goes where and how to find my way back to pick up at the place I left off. That piece of bobbin lace also looks like the same way my life feels. Nothing happens in a straight line either around me nor within me. Sometimes it looks impossible to figure out. It’s still incomplete and it won’t look the same at the end as it did at the beginning. I believe that even life’s most chaotic jumble of threads can be woven into something beautiful. We have the power to thrive even while living with heartache and wishes.
Margaret: Thank you Sandy. What would your number one recommendation be to another mom? With all you’ve been through maybe they are early in the journey. What would you give them?
Sandy: Ah boy, well to be kind to yourself. That’s critical and then do all the work possible to come to terms that addiction is a disease. And that our love is not a failure because I think if those things are in place everything else is able to fall into place.
Margaret: And for those who may be out there and think I can’t tolerate them not recovering?
Sandy: Well, I have no control over my son’s recovery. I mean, I can’t tolerate the thought of him not finding recovery, it makes my heart break. There I am, I have no control over it so, I have to find a way to live with this possibility. We have no control over their recovery and so if we can’t tolerate it, what’s your life look like? You know but if you can find a way to live with that understanding what’s that life gonna look like.
Margaret: I actually believe that many family members don’t engage in their own recovery till they surrender to the reality that the person may not make it.
Sandy: Well and that’s a very hard understanding to come to.
Margaret: It is no doubt about it it’s one of the worst. We know the rates of trauma and death to people who have this illness are incomprehensible. If I can believe as much as I don’t want to believe, that my love can’t keep a person alive and also can’t cause them to die. Then I have permission to do the work I need to do to be as healthy as I can be.
Sandy: And to be, while they are alive, which might be a day, it might be years for this person to be alive. But while they are alive, that we can have a relationship so that when and if the time comes that they do not survive, we will have been able to share a love and not carry that regret. Where if we’re not in a healthy place, we can’t do that relationship. And that’s, that’s huge, that’s huge, you know.
I mean denial is not going to make this go away and you know, facing the realities of it, changes the way we deal with it, in ways that do just unimaginable goodness. To our families our loved ones and the other people around us so.
Margaret: And if we don’t live in that place we can be also present when recovery happens, if it happens.
Sandy: Absolutely.
Margaret: Right and yes, we can be present in their life God forbid they pass but we can also be present in their life if they get to the place of surrendering and getting something different for themselves.
Sandy: Absolutely. Back to that you know they’ll be something healthy for them to return to you know yeah.
Margaret: One of the things you offer in your words is an interpretation of a complex disease for family members in a very relatable way. Very human, very relatable. And I think one of the things that you continue to offer which is really cool, that a lot of people may not know about, is that you have a Facebook page where people can come every Monday and have a touchstone of hope and healing and support. So, are you willing to share with the listening audience what that is?
Sandy: Sure. So, I’ve been doing it for almost a year now. Every Monday morning at 8:30 central time, it’s just 10 minutes, it’s called ‘Just Dandy with Sandy’ and it’s the Facebook live. It’ll just pop up there at 8:30, there I am. I have sort of a theme that I discuss that day and it might do something sad. I mean, it’s usually a reading from one of the books, but I tie it into life and with a positive. It is always a positive. Always end positive and find ways for us moms to harness our strength and our dandelion momma spirit. It’s just 10 minutes and the moms leave lots of comments and just every Monday
Margaret: It’s a great resource it’s a gift. In closing anything you’d like to add that you haven’t anything you’d like to share?
Sandy: I’m well I guess with moms who have not connected with a group or people, that we really are stronger together. We really are stronger together knowing that somebody else is going through the same thing or similar. I mean let’s be real our details are different. But our stories are pretty much the same. To be with somebody who knows you more than some of your best friends know you because they’ve been in your shoes, and they feel your feels, and they know your heartache. And that is very powerful to have that connection. So, I would say to find that Al-Anon group or whatever. But find something somewhere, that it’s too big to do alone. And I don’t mean just once go to the family program. I mean a regular, connecting thing even when your child is in recovery.
Margaret: Almost more important when they’re in recovery because we get very complacent and think awe everything is good now. I don’t have to work on myself. Well then, then why did we get into recovery to begin with if we weren’t doing our own work. We are.
Sandy: Well exactly and that is why we’re there, for us regardless. It is a regardless how our loved one is doing. We keep working on ourselves and that’s so important. Doing it in that nest with other people on this same journey is just it’s, it’s just invaluable.
Margaret: Here, here, the ‘we’ of program is so powerful. the isolation you talked of earlier if we don’t have the ‘we’ that creeps in again no matter where we are on the journey.
Sandy: Oh yeah, yeah absolutely.
Margaret: Well Sandy Swenson, I thank you. It has been a pleasure as I knew it would be to hear your words. To read it every time I’ve read it but then to hear you read it and to say it. It’s, it’s a whole different experience. It’s been wonderful. And thank you on behalf of the moms. I am a mom and I have benefited from your readings personally. But also, all the moms out there that you touch and are willing to speak for, but also share with and encourage and offer incredible resources for them moving on this journey. And I thank you and I really, I wish for every one of us our own healing and of course always that our loved ones find their path of healing also.
Sandy: Oh yes me too, me too and thank you so much for having me here with you today. It was just so nice to see your face again and join together. it’s been a while and it was just really nice.
Margaret: Thank you Sandy, take care.
Outro: If you are a mom of a person with the disease of addiction give yourself the gift of Sandy Swenson in your life. Whether through one of her books:
The Joey Song
Tending Dandelions
Just Dandy Living with Heartache and Wishes
Her Hazelden app – Readings for Moms of Addicts
or her Just Dandy with Sandy – Monday morning 10 minute meditations on her Facebook page entitled Sandy Swenson
Or visit her website which is a wealth of information called https://www.sandyswenson.com
I know that’s a lot however it’s worth checking out some of it. You will find a community of support and nuggets that will help you on your journey.
Please find all these resources I listed in my episode notes at embracefamilyrecovery.com/14
Thank you, Sandy. And thanks for listening.
Please find resources on my website https://embracefamilyrecovery.com/
This is Margaret Swift Thompson until next time.
Please take care of you.
