We need meetings?
I need a sponsor?
Family members not only need their own recovery they deserve it.
Sadly many loved ones don’t find their own recovery. They spend all their time and energy trying to fix, manage and control their addicted loved one. Falsely believing if they get their addict into recovery, they will be good again.
Sandy shares in this episode that she had to learn the power is in her own recovery versus the powerlessness in trying to fix Joey. Not only is the disease of addiction parallel for the family and their addict the recovery journey is also.
Family recovery is counter intuitive to every ounce of their being…just as getting sober is counterintuitive to every ounce of the addict’s being when they are using.
See full transcript of the episode below.
Intro: You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. A place for conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret: Welcome back. Today, Sandy Swenson will continue to share her incredible journey as a recovering Mama and warrior for the community of moms who fiercely love their addicted child, and are learning one of the most cruel lessons about the disease of addiction. Let’s get back to our conversation.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret: What I appreciate in what you share is the parallel of what it is like for a person with the disease of addiction and the parallel of what is like for a loved one. In that, the perception is there’s this trajectory of we get sober and cruise through, we get into recovery in Al-Anon cruise through. And what you speak of is that instinctive, intuitive response that we all have on both sides of the coin to either use to cope or to use people to cope. Kicks in hard.
Sandy: Yes.
Margaret: And to be gracious with ourselves. To know that that learning curve that you have done for the years you’ve done it is still there. But that Mama instinctive, intuitive response is also still there.
Sandy: Yes, yes both are there. And the awareness of both is really important to acknowledge that they’re both there, and to acknowledge you can feel more than one thing at once. I can feel that Mama Bear and need to know my gosh my child is hurting I need to save him, and then but I know what works and doesn’t work and so I’m going to have to redirect it over here. But Oh my gosh it really hurts. I just want to hug him and fix him you know I mean it can all live together under the same hair. (laughter)
Margaret: Absolutely, and I think it can give us grace with the people who have the disease in our life to understand the struggle that they have too. Your son who would love not to be an addict and not to be suffering in this disease is in there somewhere so deeply buried by a disease that tells them there’s no other way. And it’s that fight within him on a day-to-day basis that is parallel to the fight within you.
Sandy: Absolutely and I actually you know in communicating with my mom’s and almost everything, Tending Dandelions throughout it. It is exactly that which is so much of what we’re going through they’re going through that parallel thing.
Margaret: Absolutely.
Sandy: You know being a Victor or victim you know, being you know controlling what we can etc., etc. We want for our children to find recovery, to be happy you know and all those things. And we really expect them to do the work to get there because it’s not gonna happen by magic. And yet we as parents we’ll say we want to find recovery, but we just want to talk about it. We don’t want to do the hard work because it’s hard work to do it. But you know what they’re doing much harder work. These addicted children are doing much, much harder work. And the work that we do to put into ourselves impact their work. It just does. And so yes there are so many parallels with that, and I gotta say you know that being in the example thing, that’s huge. If our children can see, our addicted children, well all of our children, you know what’s good for the goose is good for the gander you know we want you to find recovery we want you to find recovery and then they see you just a big old mess. Now it’s OK to talk about recovery but not to do it. I think we owe it to them as well as ourselves, is to be example and they certainly, the child doesn’t want to see what his disease is doing to hurt his parents. He does not want that, and he does. We need to ease that burden for them by doing what we can do to take care of ourselves. I really believe that.
Margaret: We have to stop seeking their recovery to fix us.
Sandy: Yes, yes.
Margaret: That’s too big a burden to put on any other human being. We have to do our own recovery just as they do. And I have worked in treatment for 22 years and I will have family members call me and say so how many meetings are they going to? And when will they be going to meetings? And what will they be doing? And I would always say to the family members, so tell me about your meeting system. Tell me when you’re going to meetings. Where is your recovery at? Have you got a sponsor? And they’ll get mad at me and the reason I bring it up is this disease is rebellious at nature.
Sandy: Mmhm.
Margaret: It will manipulate everybody. We can’t conquer this disease individually against it ever. And so, I’m a firm believer, is take out the battleground. And the way we take out the battleground is stop telling the what to do and role model what we want so badly for them to do in our own story. Get to meetings, get my sponsor and get my fellowship, work the tools, live my program out loud. So that my loved one sees wow, I’m not telling them what to do but I’m actually doing what I hope they will do.
Sandy: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Margaret: That’s the magic. That’s how it works.
Sandy: That is the magic and, and of course to get to that magic we have to let go of something that’s really hard to let go of.
Margaret: On the journey of a parent learning to let go. Sandy says it best how self-blame keeps parents stuck…
Sandy: Imperfect parenting doesn’t cause addiction because if that were so every single child in the world would grow up to have an addiction issue. So, it’s not what we did or didn’t do that causes addiction. So, once I realized, really internalized that and I was no longer ashamed of this. And that changed everything, ’cause there went to blame, the shame, the guilt. Then healing for me could begin. Cause you can’t heal if you’re burdened with the blame, the shame, and the guilt.
Sandy: So that’s how I ended up writing The Joey Song was because up till that point I had read every book I could get my hands on. Really great books. Back in the day most books, things have changed a lot since then and the books that I found were from people whose children had made it out the other side, and I had had this expectation. We could get him into treatment that first time, shove him in there and lock him away you know, then 28 days later he was going to pop out and be you know just dandy, and all fixed and yay, we’re good to go.
Well, that didn’t happen. And it didn’t happen again, and it didn’t happen again, and I could not have tried harder to fix him. I could not have tried harder. I could not have loved him more, but my love is not a failure. The Joey Song was the story of trying to fix him and coming to the realization that I can’t. But it’s not because my love is a failure. It’s because this is a really nasty disease, but we still have the power to become healthy anyway. So that was how the Joey Song came to be because I felt like I must be judged as an absolute failure of a mother if my child didn’t make it through to recovery.
Margaret: And I’m sure Sandy this will relate to you. If I live in a place where I believe I made someone an addict, then it justifies the insanity of making them well.
Sandy: Oh yes, oh absolutely. That’s the thing if you don’t have the shame of it being, you know, that I did it then I also can’t blame myself for him or whoever, and I can’t feel the guilt. And it’s all snaggled up into this knot of just toxic, impossible to recover. It’s just this knot that you can’t move past if you don’t take care of that first.
Bumper: I have exciting news! On Monday April 19th, Sandy is celebrating one year of Just Dandy with Sandy on her Facebook live at 8:30 AM central time. You can find her on Facebook every Monday at 8:30 AM. Just search Sandy Swenson on Facebook, and if hearing her 10 minutes of positivity and strength were not enough, this Monday Sandy will be choosing someone on the live feed to give a set of her three books. So make sure you tune in to win.
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Margaret: I cannot make anyone use and I cannot make anyone recovery is one of the most freeing statements we could ever internalize, when we love someone who has this disease.
Sandy: Absolutely yes. And as you say internalize is the key there. Because, again, myself included you know I can’t cause it, you know I can’t cure it and all that, but if I just did this. But we always get that ‘but’ in there. Which means we haven’t internalized it yet. As long as we’re still throwing the ‘but’ out there. You know.
Margaret: I think the great reprieve from that, is doing it a day at a time, the best possible as we can. If we try to do this new concept forever when we learn it and internalize it, I don’t think we can do it. Just like an addict cannot promise to be sober forever. We can’t promise to truly internalize and get that I’m powerless over my addict for the rest of my life. Because something will happen, and that immediate thought will be, but I could do this. So, I think the reprieve that gives us the grace to do this new way of living is the concept of one day at a time.
Sandy: Oh my gosh yes, it’s way too big to look at it as a forever thing. And just as we are loving and kind to our addicted child we need to be loving and kind to ourselves in this whole journey. This is the hardest thing we’ve ever done. And we have a world that’s looking at us with very judgmental and often not very nice eyes and voices. And we’re doing all this and we’re in a turmoil, and so when we mess up, so to speak, by you know not responding in the way that we know we should have but we didn’t. Alright well that one didn’t go so well but next time hopefully it’ll be better. You know I’m aware. I’m aware and I’m trying and those are the things.
Margaret: Well, I think Sandy what you speak of too is, is so critical. Is if we give ourselves grace to be human and acknowledge this is the most powerful disease we’ll probably ever face in our lifetime. Then we have to also look at giving grace to the person who has the illness.
Sandy: Oh yes.
Margaret: We can really judge them when they are not doing the next right thing. But it’s important to have that grace that we don’t always do the next right thing either. You know I jokingly, but very seriously if I’m honest, will say you know we get all righteous and indignant about the dishonesty of an addict and the manipulation of an addict. I humbly submit that family members are way more dishonest and way more manipulative than any addict ever will be. We just look much better doing it cause we’re not so messy. And yet we don’t necessarily come to that truth until we start working our own program and going oh my gosh, I’m doing the same thing I’m accusing them of doing.
Sandy: Oh my gosh yes. Oh my gosh I was so manipulative. I mean I was, not my nature is not to be manipulative but oh my gosh and really easily I became manipulative and lie. And I did all kinds of things exactly the behaviors that I did not like coming from the addict. I was fighting fire with fire. And I was right in there and excusing those behaviors because well I needed to employ these you know weapons. Yeah, yeah definitely.
Margaret: Humbling is humbling to realize that but it’s also hopeful I think because then we can separate ourselves from the disease and start to separate our loved one from the disease which is the only way we’ll find our way through this.
As Sandy says it best, together we are stronger.
Join us again next Sunday where Sandy will read an excerpt from her powerful story, The Joey Song.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story.
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time please take care of you.
