Welcome back to my conversation with Janet where she continues her story with having set a difficult boundary for any parent.
Her son was not to come home as it would not be good for Janet’s wellbeing.
Janet shares about the value of her sponsor in her recovery, and the powerful role gratitude has and continues to play in her healing and finding peace.
I honor Janet and her story and thank her for being my first guest! I hope you feel inspired as I do whenever I listen to Janet share.
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See full transcript of the episode below.
TRANSCRIPT
Intro: Recovery podcast a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction now here’s your host Margaret Swift Thompson
Margaret: Welcome back to the embrace family recovery podcast. Episode 2 picks up with Janet sharing about the topic of resiliency. If you remember, episode 1 left off with Janet having courageously set the boundary to have her son not return to their home and check into a treatment center he was not happy with. Let’s return to Janet’s story
Janet: And eventually he settled in, ‘cause he lost his phone privileges all that stuff.
Margaret: So then he didn’t call you, he had to figure out the next thing.
Janet: Yup he’d take somebody else’s phone or whatever he did.
Margaret: But the thing with that Janet that I think is so painfully scary when you’re going through it is you forget their resiliency.
Janet: Yeah, and my resiliency when he was on that bus trip I didn’t make any attempt to call him either I just you know I just kind of let things happen ’cause I just I was done with this thing I was just I just can’t say that enough. I reached my limit. I was done and I had a great sponsor to walk me through it. When he finally got to the recovery center he didn’t like it he wasn’t gonna sign the papers and so he went into a homeless shelter and he called me want me to come pick him up and I just said no. And my big thing too, you want to be on the same page. My husband and I were on the same page, doesn’t work if one is gonna you know intercede for the other, so we were on the same page and we just let him stay it changed his life he stayed there two years I believe.
Margaret: And from what I recall he got skills for interviewing, resume writing, got a good job.
Janet: Yeah, he did.
Margaret: Every one of those things there like look at me go. I’m doing it!
Janet: That is what he would do, he’d call, he could only have his phone on Sunday at noon, so by 12:01 I get a phone call he got his phone he call me and he’d be so excited he got a job at Perkins, he’s waiting on tables, he’s making money. He just you know you could just hear it you know he was making friends within the system there and yeah, I could tell he was getting better, but he couldn’t come home for quite a while.
Margaret: Well and I think it’s really important to repeat what you said earlier which was he couldn’t come home, ’cause it wasn’t good for me and my mental health nor good for him.
Janet: Right.
Margaret: The way that I interpret that is for the family members our drug of no choice is the person, while there’s is the substance or behavior.
And so when they’re in front of us, it’s a lot harder to practice our principles and our tools than if we have a little space. Especially in early recovery.
Janet: Right and one of the things that I did, that my sponsor had mentioned that I found really helpful, I had note cards that I would kind of remind myself about, so that I wouldn’t fall into that same pattern, cause he would say something that would trigger and I’d be like oh I gotta save him then I’d look at my note card and then I get back in the right place so I had those by my phone at all times.
Margaret: As you’ve heard Janet mentioned triggers this can be a new concept for family members. We have our own triggers? I’m aware of my addict has triggers, I do too? Yes, absolutely family members have triggers that catapult them into fear, and then we react out of that fear. So, you were triggered can you recall some of the triggers that were the most difficult to navigate?
Janet: Crying is a trigger for me.
Margaret: How about anger?
Janet: Oh yes. When he’s angry, calls me in jail you know those are triggers, unhappy, and when he’s been drinking and he called me that’s the trigger.
Margaret: And in those moments when triggered by all of those very real reasons one would be triggered which are just amplified from living in this for a while, what did you do? Use those note cards?
Janet: And I would go back to the same thing, think, you’ve done this before, and you know how this works. Don’t fall back into the old habit. Or I would say I will call you back later, that was another big one.
Margaret: Isn’t it powerful to hear how Janet’s use of recovery tools allows her to respond rather than react. Janet tells us about her own work, in not being a victim and the tools that have helped her make healthier choices.
Janet: Don’t create a crisis and don’t prevent a crisis, if it’s the natural courses of events. So, for my son I would watch him, and I see things and I’d think this is a natural course of events, he is gonna learn from them so don’t get in there and get involved. So that helped me a lot. I used that a lot. Not understanding the victim role.
Margaret: Tell us more.
Janet: I have a choice. I never really realized how much, a significant part that is in recovery. I’d get mad at whoever and I think well what part did I play in that and I made some decisions too. So this doesn’t always fall on my son, this doesn’t always fall on my husband. I have a choice changed everything from the amount of freedom I felt. Well, I get so angry at my son you know I kept thinking I’m short on money and I’d be mad at him because I’m paying for his friends. It’s not his fault, I made that choice nobody held a gun to my head. I wrote that check out, I mailed it, so I learned that I have a choice. I can say no, and I don’t think I truly understood that, and I do now. So, I say I have a choice so I can be a victim and feel sorry for myself or I can say no, and sometimes the no has its repercussions. It’s not always easy, I had to say no to my son one time, and he cut me off for three months. It was tough and, again I had a great sponsor and she taught me to write cards and that kind of thing, so I was in contact with him.
You want things to be different you need to know that and having a choice made me feel powerful!
Margaret: And I think when we come in, we blame them for that sense of powerlessness.
Janet: We do I never really realized how much power I have. It’s all up to me if I just make that decision.
Margaret: And it’s important to tell people listening to that is not an easy transition to make.
Janet: No, it isn’t!
Margaret: Fear is probably the biggest fuel to those old behaviors.
Janet: It is not that I don’t have fear today, of course there is. You know you call your son or loved one and they don’t answer the phone you start doing kinda crazy.
Margaret: The Monkey Chatter kicks in.
Janet: Oh yes and the head starts running crazy.
Margaret: So, in that moment even today, this many years later when that happens and that starts your go to?
Janet: Call my sponsor again, or I would reach out to somebody else or something.
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Margaret: Janet shares how addiction has impacted the other children in the family. It is amazing how each member of the family has their own individual response to this disease, as well as the perception that they hold for themselves, being unique to them. She also talks about how the relationships have evolved.
Janet: Well, the son that has the disease is my oldest. My middle child was at college when it was going on. So he actually really wasn’t here to be part of it, so he didn’t really see the things. But my daughter was a senior in high school and has affected her. We had long talks about it because she just saw me crying all the time. I’d be in my bedroom with the door closed talking to my sponsor, my sisters, crying. And she was trying to be the good girl and she always was a good girl. But it was almost like she was trying to make up for her mom’s sadness. So she could feel it in the atmosphere, in the house, my anxiety, my sadness. She just I think I also kept a lot of it secret so she saw me my door closed in the bathroom, she could hear me crying, she could see that I was down and I just really didn’t discuss it because I wasn’t sure if I should talk about it openly or not. And if I look back at it I would’ve been more upfront about it, I mean she was a senior so she was, you know she was not like in 8th grade or something that she could have definitely handled it. But you know the powers in the secret so you leave that secret out there and she’s just kind of wondering what’s going on. I felt bad to say anything wrong with her brother cause I thought she would hold that against him. I’m not doing him any favors she’s an adult in a lot of ways, she can make up her own mind and ask her own questions, so we had a long talk later on but I, you know, I kind of apologized to her for kind of ignoring her because that’s what happens. You get so focused on the child that has the issues you forget about everything else, and as long as she’s a good girl and she’s doing well you just kind of forget about them and I regret that. So I had to make amends to her and just say I know I’m sorry you got kind of left behind but she had great understanding
Margaret: Well the other piece that you bring up is one of the pieces of the journey we take as family members. We also clean up our side of the street and make amends when necessary ’cause we make mistakes too.
Janet: We do. I kind of forgot about her because she was easy. As for my son in college I kind of let him know where things were at but he really wasn’t here for some of the drama and stuff he didn’t see my reactions to things ’cause he didn’t come home much on the weekends
Margaret: And how is their relationship now as siblings?
Janet: Interesting that you bring that up because in the beginning I was still a fixer so on my son would come home I would be telling the kids, my other two, your brothers home go give him a hug. I don’t do that anymore it’s their choice if they want to hug their brothers or wanna talk with him and not I don’t have anything to say with that. Give them their own dignity all of them. and they’ve all come to terms
Margaret: Again, change that came through your recovery.
Janet: Yup, respect people, respect your children given them the dignity.
Margaret: One of the components of recovery that many people struggle with is spirituality and you having lost a child and then having another child go through this and now facing your own health issues. If you’re willing to share all of those things are challenging beyond belief how have your spiritual journey evolved changed?
Janet: I have brain cancer and how do I say it, there is more to life than just what I see in the outside. That’s my personal faith in my belief. So just ’cause you know things are bad, they are bad for a lot of people it’s not just me so I know that I have a better place to go and so I rest in peace with that.
Margaret: Do you think the spiritual component was difficult for you or pretty comfortable part of the program?
Janet: Comfortable part for me it wasn’t really difficult you know higher power works for me.
Margaret: Thank heavens they wrote it that way is all I can say. It really includes anyone, we find our way.
Janet shares about the spiritual tool of gratitude, and her ability to live her recovery in all areas of her life, including battling cancer. Speaking of the brain cancer I think you know how much I respect and admire your way of working through life with this program and I believe that you emulate how it works in all areas of our life, not just around the person with the illness. Firstly when did you get to a point of gratitude for the exposure to 12 step recovery?
Janet: Yeah, I tell him all the time he is my gift.
Margaret: For people new to this, can’t even imagine.
Janet: He helped me find myself!
Margaret: He helped you find yourself! And you know what I think of your cancer battle without this program.
Janet: I can’t imagine, I just can’t imagine and (Janet gets emotional)
Margaret: People understand this is tough stuff, a level of acceptance that you couldn’t have had without it.
Janet: And that son has helped me tremendously, he is coming today, he does all the time.
Margaret: So, a lot of changes within the relationship.
Janet: A lot.
Margaret: One of my favorite mentors Carolyn W used to teach family members that their addict’s recovery is none of their business! You can imagine the response she got! Janet shares very clearly the great value in learning to let go.
Janet: We’ve never really talked about his disease, we’ve never got into it, I’ve never asked him questions, it’s not my business.
Margaret: Speak to that, Janet you’ve never asked him questions about his journey in his illness and his recovery?
Janet: I let him bring it up, I never ask him because I don’t necessarily know if I really wanna know. It’s just none of my business. I remember one time my sponsor caught me. All his paperwork was in the back of our car. Boxes and boxes with his tests and different questionnaires and writings that he wrote down and I was at a store and I open the hatch back to our car and saw it and started rifling through it, and I saw some things that were not fun to see. I remember my sponsor saying to me I told her about it. You know she said was it painful? And I said yes, and she said it should have been, it is none of your business. I just kind of stopped asking, I just it’s none of my business if you want to bring it up that’s great otherwise it is none of my business. But today, you know he talks about little things and it just is amazing.
Margaret: What a dignity you have afforded him in finding his path in recovery.
Janet: Thank you.
Margaret: It’s true Janet! That’s the most baffling part of this if we take our hands off of their journey, and we stop being their higher power and, we allow them their recovery. They gain what they need to be well.
Janet: They do it’s so true and I see it just in his mannerisms and everything, and he truly has respect for me and I have respect for him and it’s just a wonderful place and I think he feels good about himself. He’s reclaimed his life, and I’ve reclaimed mine.
Margaret: I think to have you as my first guest was so easy to choose because I have such respect for your journey, always have. You gave service, you’ve always been active and sharing your story to help other newcomers understand how hard it is, and yet how much it’s worth it. And with your diagnosis of cancer, as you’ve shared, the fact that you use the grace of these principles we’ve learned in recovery to navigate the powerlessness with which you are facing a potentially terminal illness.
Janet: I am, but every day I wake up and I feel good. I have much to be grateful for! I love the fact of I used to be part of that I’m not so good now cause my left hand is not so good now. I got into a gratitude list, writing 12 things down and once you start getting into that it really makes you really pay attention ’cause I knew I had every day at the end of the day I’d have to write 12 things down be grateful for.
Margaret: So 12?
Janet: 12 things down every day. You start noticing that eagle on the tree branch, you notice the beautiful skies, you notice that there’s no ice or snow. It’s just the little things, it’s just that really nice cashier at the store, whatever it is the ripe bananas, just all the things you find. Little things to be grateful for, and I just have really appreciated that that’s healthy.
Margaret: And did you learn that through recovery?
Janet: From my sponsor!
Margaret: That trickle effect into every aspect of your life.
Janet: every aspect of my life, so I have much to be grateful for, even though I’m, this is a terminal illness that won’t last forever. Sometimes I’m grateful for that, I have things coming up, and I think why I won’t even have to be around for it you know, it sounds awful. You wake up and I don’t have headaches. I have great friends, people that take me places retired friends that drive me around rekindled friendships and all that so that’s been wonderful.
Margaret: Another aspect I would assume was you already had established a pattern of letting people in to help you and asking for help.
Janet: Yes yeah it gets easier as time. ‘Cause I’m a fairly independent person so it’s a little difficult, I have a hard time with vulnerability so this is helpful.
Margaret: You’re amazing!
Janet: Thank you.
Margaret: You really are. I just admire you in the way you work your program in every aspect of your life. And to be a little vulnerable also, when I heard of your diagnosis I was angry.
Janet: Were you?
Margaret: I was, I wanted that not to be your story and yet I am so in awe of how your story with cancer has just continued along the great path of selfcare, acceptance, one day at a time, letting people help. Anything you want to share before we close the recording?
Janet: This was more fun than I had any idea, this is really great! I really enjoyed this. Thank you, Margaret for asking me to be a part of this!
Margaret: You you’re welcome, well I honor you I thank you and I know this will help people.
Margaret: I hope hearing Janet’s story inspires you. Her joy is palatable even as she faces terminal cancer. Janet lives her recovery out loud. My hope to those listening – look for your community, your tribe it is so much more painful and difficult doing this in isolation. Janet I am honored to call you my friend and I thank you for being my first guest on this podcast
Please join me next week when I speak with Glory, who is the daughter of someone with the disease of addiction.
Please find resources on my website embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson until next time,
please take care of you!
A special thanks to Ásgeir – my editor, to Liam – for doing my Intro and Bumper!
