In this episode, Mallory Henry, a senior coordinator of education at Caron Treatment Center, shares her personal journey as the sibling of someone in recovery. Mallory’s powerful story sheds light on the often-overlooked challenges faced by siblings in families affected by addiction, and the critical need for self-care and healing in the recovery journey.
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00:01
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of Addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast today I’m excited to introduce a new guest this week I’m sitting down with Mallory Henry, a senior coordinator of education for the Caron Treatment Centers. Mallory shares her journey as a sibling of a person in recovery. Mallory’s story highlights the often-overlooked struggles of siblings in the family disease of addiction please meet Mallory.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:26
So it is my pleasure to introduce you all to a new guest, and my guest today is Mallory. I’m really excited, Mallory, to have a conversation with you about your journey as a sibling, because I think, as we said before we got on this, one of the most underserved parts of the family system, when impacted by the disease of addiction. So welcome, and I’d love you to start by introducing yourself to us, as you would how you came to be a part of recovery. You know who your qualifier is. Whatever you want to share.
Mallory Henry 02:04
Sounds good. Thank you for having me. My name is Mallory Henry. I am a senior coordinator of education in for Caron Treatment Centers, but more importantly, today, I am the sibling of a person in recovery. I have a younger brother who has seven years of recovery under his belt. I know amazing feat and do a lot of work with siblings and families impacted by substance use disorder, because, like you said, I do feel like siblings are sometimes the outliers in the system. You know, we there’s, you know, I think we’re getting better at providing family supports and education, but I think oftentimes we’re looked at, you know, we first look at parents, and then we might look at their own children potentially, but we often have these other members of the family that aren’t able to verbalize, I think, how they’re feeling through the entire process. Whether that’s active addiction, new recovery, versus long term recovery. So that’s something I’m really passionate about working towards with Caron in our, you know, in our family services, and what that looks like for siblings specifically.
Margaret 03:09
So big fan of Caron. I’m an alumnus of the Breakthrough Program before it was called the Breakthrough program, and it was life changing. And also really enjoyed hearing you in the work you were doing in your presentation around family recovery. So fantastic.
So, thank you for all you’re doing. Want to take it back to your story. So, I often am curious to ask this, because I always find it fascinating, and I also find it important for families to hear this. You said a younger brother. So, at what point in your journey were you aware something was wrong, even if you weren’t sure how bad or what exactly was wrong, how old were you?
03:52
Mallory Henry: So, I think so this is where I test my memory too, and I was just processing this with my family a couple weeks ago. I think I was either a senior in high school or freshman in college when I started to realize so my brother’s four years younger than me, so he was in like that, either middle school or that transition from middle school to high school when I suspected something was going on related to substances. And my family is very, very gracious to allow me to share my story, you know, so I appreciate them being open to me being vulnerable and sharing my perspective.
But I kind of, I remember vividly the night that I knew something was going on. So, I was I remember being in my room studying or doing homework of some sort. My brother had a cell phone. That’s why, I kind of think maybe I was in college because it was a little bit older, but I remember it going off a whole bunch of times in a row, and it was starting to frustrate me with the sound. So, I went to get up to go into his room to tell him to turn it off, and he was asleep. So I picked up the phone in order to silence it and notice the text on the screen that alluded to, either using or potentially selling,
Margaret: Okay.
Mallory Henry: substances. And that was the first time I and I vividly remember standing in that room, holding the phone, going, Well, now, what?
Margaret: Right!
Mallory Henry: Like, you know, and as a sibling, I think this is a piece that siblings feel a lot, is, do I go to my brother, or do I go to my parents? Right in that immediate situation, it’s who do I have allegiance to first,
Margaret 05:25
And what did you do?
Mallory Henry: 05:27
So, I went to my parents the next day. And the interesting thing, I think, and I don’t think this is abnormal for parents, they were in complete denial.
Margaret: Yeah.
Mallory Henry: So, when I said, Hey, I saw this. I’m concerned. They said he’s too young. I’m sure he doesn’t even know what that means, you know, I’m sure it was just young boys saying, you know, unnecessary things,
Margaret: Right, right.
Mallory Henry: But I also remember that being the first time that a gut feeling I had was not believed by my parents.
Margaret 06:04
That’s a really big thing, because one of the things that both of us working with families know is that gut checks happen and then we either dismiss them, I use the term monkey chatter by quishing them, or we have someone else dismiss them, or the person who has and I use addiction Mallory because I have guests on here and listeners who they’re dealing with all types of addiction, not just substance use disorder.
Mallory Henry: Absolutely,
Margaret: um, they’ll hear it from the person with the illness, and they’ll say it’s not going on. What are you talking about? You’re crazy, right? So, I love that you reference your gut check, because your gut check was like, Okay, this makes sense to something I’ve observed, felt experienced, and now my adults in my world are saying, Yeah, I don’t think so. I think its boys being boys. It’s not real.
06:52
Mallory Henry: Yep,yeah. And I think that attributes it, you know, so much further in your life, too. I mean, I was at that kind of threshold of adulthood, if you will, and to have, you know, two people who I felt had my back for, you know, up until that point, I was probably around 18 years old, didn’t believe me. And you’re right. I think there was something in my head saying, something seems off. This isn’t the person I knew. Something seems different. And, you know, trying to put your finger on it. Is it teenage behavior? Is it that is because as a teenager? Is it because something else is going on? And this was really the first time I brought it to someone’s attention to say, something seems off, and now I have evidence to prove something seems off, but they weren’t in a place to hear it at that time.
Margaret 07:38
Were you feeling anything before you got you saw the texts? Were you aware of because often I find in sharing with families, siblings have a clue before most of the family member because their peers, there’s something going on there. So were you feeling things before you got that proof, if you like?
07:58
Mallory Henry: I think in hindsight, looking back on it. Yes, I don’t know if I knew in at that time what exactly I mean, my brother’s four years younger than me, so we weren’t in the same school. We didn’t have the same friends. So, I think maybe if we were closer in age, maybe I would have had more of a pulse on what that that looked like, but we didn’t have the same peer network and things like that. But I remember in that moment thinking, this makes sense.
Margaret: Yeah.
Mallory Henry: So, in hindsight, I do think something seemed different that I maybe couldn’t put my finger on. You know, he’s not the only person in my family system to struggle with substance use disorder. I know that’s not uncommon, but I think at the time that his came to fruition, his use is also the time, a lot of other members of my family, we started to kind of put our finger on the fact that maybe some of this stuff was going on with other people for generations,
Margaret: Okay,
Mallory Henry: as well. But it wasn’t anything that was kind of talked about, if you will. So, I don’t know if a piece of my parents pushing it aside was denial or a piece of it was
Margaret: The way we’ve always done it.
Mallory Henry: Yes, yeah, like we bury our head in the sands, and we don’t acknowledge those things.
Margaret 09:06
And I think you and I both know very well that none of this is done out of mal intent. It’s survival. It’s not knowing. It’s I don’t know until I know you know. And it’s not wanting to believe bad things about people we love.
09:19
Mallory Henry: of course, yeah. I mean, I think I have children of my own now, and I can’t imagine it was very easy for me to, I think, judge as a sibling, and that’s a piece of it. I think as a sibling, if you know, I didn’t have kids, I had a different perspective. He wasn’t my child,
Margaret: Right?
Mallory Henry: It wasn’t my job to keep him alive like it was for them. Now, having my own children, I do understand how complicated that situation must have felt for them, and almost seemingly impossible at the time of if I acknowledge this, we have to do something with this. So, it might be easier to just not acknowledge it.
Bumper 09:58
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Margaret 11:17
We’ll come back to being a mom because you look like you are such a young person, and I know that’s more about my aging process than yours, but wow. Okay, so you move forward, you get this awareness, this confirmation, some things start to feel like they made sense. And your family or your parents at the time, in their own complex reaction to this, don’t think that it’s a problem. Where do you go from there? As a sibling, what do you then find yourself doing in that relationship between parents and sibling?
11:54
Mallory Henry: So, I think, quite honestly, what happened there was it drove a pretty big rift between my brother and I.
I don’t know, in hindsight, if my parents went to my brother or went through his phone or anything like that. I don’t know if that happened, but I remember disengaging. I disengaged because I knew I was either off to college or in college, and I knew that’s where I was headed. So, what I kind of did was disengaged from my brother, and really did not have a relationship with him at that time, because I think I blamed my parents for not believing me, for taking his side, and that built a lot of resentment towards him, for me, of they didn’t believe me, they picked his side, and so I disengaged. And I was at an age where I could,
Margaret: like a natural progression,
Mallory Henry: yes, at a natural age, I was it was going to college. I was living at the college. I was three hours away from home, so I could pretty easily disengage. But I know that that built resentment on my brother’s end as well, because I disengaged, and really, what ultimately ended up happening is my parents ended up divorcing, kind of during the turmoil that was kind of created with all of this. Eventually, I want to say when I was, maybe two years after I noticed that text might have been a few. I feel like my narration of my time becomes really off, because it becomes so I think there’s so much chaos,
Margaret: Yeah,
Mallory Henry: that my brain doesn’t always remember, because there’s differing opinions between my brother, my dad, my mom and me on like timeline, yep, but I do remember eventually my brother got expelled from school. And again, I was pretty removed from the situation at this point. I was like, do whatever you want. I’m going to stay over here in my lane and do college and do my thing.
Margaret 13:50
You knew, but you were getting updates from someone.
13:53
Mallory Henry: I was getting updates. And I always said, like during that time, anytime my phone rang and it was my parent, there was a lot of anxiety behind that, because was it going to be
Margaret: For you
Henry Mallory: yes for me, I’m sure for them as well, but 100% for me, because we didn’t know where my brother was, or, you know, he was sleeping on a park bench, or they had decided to kick him out, or he said he was at a friend’s and he wasn’t there, and, you know, so I would kind of get the residual effects of that from my parents when I, you know, get the how are you doing phone calls? So, I think that’s what disconnected me even more, like I just won’t pick up the phone. I don’t want to know what’s happening because it’s an unsafe situation. And I think I didn’t know if I had the capacity to take on that emotionally, either. To take on that stress that my parents were feeling,
Margaret 14:45
I want to touch on that, because that’s also a very you know, there’s going to be a lot of parents listening to this who have a child who’s got a substance disorder, an addiction, who’s got another child. Mm, hmm. I didn’t know if I had the capacity to take on the emotions. Was it, the capacity to see how bad things were getting with my brother, or how hard it was on my parents, or both.
15:09
Mallory Henry: It’s all of the above. Okay, I think you know, if, if I knew what was happening with my brother, I think so much of my mind would probably go there, is he alive? Is he safe? Is he, you know, going to die, I don’t know. And then also taking on the emotions of my parents, who were obviously going through a divorce as well. So, there was, you know, obviously some anxiety and stress and feelings involved in all of that, as well as not knowing what’s going to be on the other end when I pick up the phone. So, is it going to be happy my brother seems good, or is it going to be my mom crying because she doesn’t know where he is, you know? Or he didn’t pick up the phone, or he hasn’t come home in three days? So, I think there was a mix of both, you know, not knowing what was going on with my brother, but also feeling a little parentified in a way. Of these aren’t my feelings to take on,
Margaret: Right?
But I’m placed in a in a situation where I have to take them on. Yeah,
Margaret 16:08
Yeah, you’re also a confidant for possibly your parents.
Mallory Henry: Yeah, absolutely
Margaret: If not a confidant someone you they’re talking through what they’re going through with.
16:17
Mallory Henry: Yes, even if by default, right?
Margaret: Right?
Mallory Henry: Like, even if that wasn’t their intention, I think in them sharing how their female if I just ask, how are you? That’s a loaded question. When you have a child in active use right now, that’s not just a good answer. There’s a lot of layers to that, to that response.
Margaret 16:36
All while trying to attend to college.
16:39
Mallory Henry: Yes, all while trying to go to class, and I was education, so there was student teaching, and, you know, all of those things that you know, my brain capacity, again, I think it’s where the capacity came in of, I don’t know how much I can take on from other people, because I have my own life, my own relationships to figure out how to handle, and I wasn’t sure how to do that.
Margaret 17:02
Did you have room to deal with the feelings you had about the divorce, or was your brother’s illness kind of forefront? That was way more predominant?
17:13
Mallory Henry: Honestly, my brother’s use was probably the predominant factor. And when I ultimately found myself saying, I need my own counselor, my own therapy. It’s funny because I went saying I need to figure out how to process my brother. And I remember my therapist said, like, some really profound things for me in that moment. But one of them was, have you ever processed the divorce, right? And two, and this is where I remember her saying this to me, and it’s so vividly lives in my mind to this day, she said to me, our work together is so that you can be okay if your brother is never okay. And that was so powerful, because no one had ever said that to me.
Margaret: Isn’t that insane?
Mallory Henry: Yeah, everyone had basically said, when he’s fine, then you can deal with everything. But I’m like, What about right now?
Margaret: The uncertainty!
Mallory Henry: Yeah, that was the first time anyone had said that with me, my brother had gone through various treatment facilities, you know, in and out while I was in college. And that was never brought up to me or anyone in my family.
Margaret 18:18
It is remarkable when we are talking about an illness that is chronic, progressive and potentially fatal, and we know that everyone knows that, that we leave this elephant in the room.
Mallory Henry: Yeah, yeah.
Margaret: Thank heaven. She was willing to put word to that and give you permission to put word to that and experience what you could through that work.
Mallory Henry: Yes.
Margaret: So very validating, and also truth telling about the risks and how do I support you and them?
Mallory Henry: Yes.
Margaret: So, when was it on the journey that you said, Okay, time for me to get some support. Because I know for a lot of us, I was a partner of, not a sister of, I didn’t get help. I focused all on them. You appeared to have focused on, like, distancing, self-preservation, and at some point it was like, Okay, I need something more.
19:11
Mallory Henry: Yeah, I think what honestly prompted it was in my own trying to disengage from my family. Got in a really unhealthy relationship, and I think that is ultimately what prompted the, I need to find something for myself, because I think it was one of the first times I realized, well, all of these things have been going on in my life, and I’ve never acknowledged them. You know, my family system is very much so don’t acknowledge things. If we don’t talk about them, they don’t exist,
Mallory Henry: Right?
Margaret: And that works until it doesn’t work.
Mallory Henry: It does.
Margaret 19:44
just like alcohol works until it does work, or drugs.
19:47
Mallory Henry: Yes exactly. yeah, yeah. That negative, you know, that negative coping skill worked until it didn’t work. And my dad had had sought therapy post-divorce, so I had reached out to my dad. And said, I think I need to talk to someone. And he had found it very valuable for himself, so he was willing to help me get connected, which ultimately changed the trajectory of not only my career but my life.
Margaret 20:14
How amazing though, you know, kudos to your dad for seeking that resource and for sharing with you and probably your brother, the benefits it gave him. Because I often say to parents who are just so struggling with what do I do? What do I not do? I want them to be okay. Everything I seem to do doesn’t work, and I talk about role modeling your recovery out loud, is such an invitation for those you love to seek it versus trying to tell them what to do, which we know doesn’t work very well,
20:44
Mallory Henry: Doesn’t work parenting 101.
Margaret 20:46
and that that shows in your story. For you, you knew where to go because of somebody who had sought it and found benefit. It was a role modeling that it’s okay to do this.
20:58
Mallory Henry: Yeah, 100% and I think that is, it’s exactly like you said, what we say all the time, right? That parallel recovery process of even if this person is on their trajectory over here, and whether I agree with that trajectory or not, I have my own process, and my own process involves me taking those steps forward and role modeling to that person that life seems so much better when I take care of myself, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Outro:
Join us again next week when I continue my conversation with Mallory, and we dive into the world of being a sibling in a family with the disease of addiction and how unseen and unheard this perspective often is. We also talk about unique challenges within that relationship in the family system.
23:17
I want to thank my guests for their courage and vulnerability in sharing parts of their story. Please find resources on my website,
This is Margaret swift Thompson, until next time, please take care of you.
