Today I am thrilled to introduce families to a new resource offered by the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation Family Program. Jessica Garrison and Lindsey Chadwick are with us to share more about the new Virtual Family Program for Adolescents!
Families, I know it can be hard to decide when, how much, and in what ways to teach our adolescents about this family disease of addiction. This episode will offer you valuable information to determine if it is suitable for your family and access an incredible resource to assist you in removing the secrets, stigma, and shame surrounding addiction in the family.
To register for The Embrace family Recovery Coaching Group, click this link:
https://sites.google.com/view/efr-coaching-group/home
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See full Transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. A place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Intro: Welcome back. As you know I am passionate about serving every member of this family disease of addiction. We need more family recovery resources.
Today I am thrilled to be sharing another extremely valuable resource with you, the Hazelden Betty Ford Virtual Family Program for adolescents has begun. Jessica Garrison the newly appointed supervisor of the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation Family Program and Lindsey Chadwick a manager of the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation Children’s Program joined forces to create and provide this much needed resource for 13- to 19-year-olds who have a family member with a substance use disorder. Let’s learn more from these talented professionals.
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret: Pretty exciting kind of going old school going back to the roots of Hazelden Betty Ford yet a new venture very excited about this so I have Jessica and Lindsey with.
What we’re going to talk about today is a new venture that Hazelden Betty Ford has started which is a virtual family program for adolescents and so you’re offering this, and I know that kids get to go through the Children’s Program and they get amazing experiences with that and there was always that gap even when I did the family program where we had the youngsters there who were 13 plus. That if there weren’t a few youngsters in the same age bracket it was very much almost recreating the family system where they were more the adult in the room than being able to be the teenager. So, whose brainchild is this what made you want to do it?
Jessica 01:23
So, I’m Jessica Garrison. I am, well now a virtual family counselor in Hazelden, and I’ve been here for nine years now at all as a family counselor, and certainly started out working with patients and then wanted to continue to work with families because I’ve worked with families for about 15 years. I know you and I; Margaret have talked about this they’re such an important part of working with addiction and mental health for that matter. And so, I’m based out of Oregon, where we used to do in person Family Program, but then all went virtual, and have made it permanent, for the most part. that we’ll be virtual in terms of offering Family Services.
Margaret 02:03
Thank you, Jessica. How about you, Lindsey?
Lindsey 02:07
Yeah, thanks for having us. My name is Lindsey Chadwick. And I’m the manager of the Children’s Program here in Denver, Colorado. And I’ve been always with the Children’s Program, couple of various roles here. But I’ve been with the organization for 14 years, and just fell in love with what the Children’s Program does, and just really passionate about helping families.
And of course, the addiction side is so important, but the other side is just as important, which is why I appreciate the work the both of you do. But I think that you know, just like you were saying Margaret, like there just wasn’t a place for kids. We allow 13-year-olds to come to group and some of them do well. Some of them are more mature and have been, you know, parentified and kind of don’t connect as much to it. And so, we have always felt there needs to be something for those older kids and just have had a hard time figuring out how to do that, how to support it.
You were kind of asking about the brainchild piece earlier. And I think it was kind of on both sides. Jessica had been thinking about it and talking about it. I had been thinking about it and talking about it. And then I met with Cindy Doth. And she was like, okay, you too need to meet and talk. And so definitely, I think, Jessica, fill in your part, but I know I was like not really working on anything, just something we were kind of dreaming about, and asking about, and considering, but Jessica definitely came in with the okay, let’s do this.
Jessica 03:45
Yeah, I agree. I think when I started with the Family Program, I was like this is a really missing, huge piece. First it was we need to do something more with children at all of our sites. Why are they just at two? And then it was also with adolescents. You know, I’ve worked with adolescents in different capacities several times. And I thought we need to complete the circle as far as working with adolescents. And so, it was a lot of talking back and forth. And what is it going to look like? How are we going to meet that need of kind of an elusive audience. They have a lot going on, and their lives are all in different places sometimes and how do we provide the best situation for them so that as many as possible, have the opportunity if they want it, to get that support.
Margaret 04:34
So, I’m really excited about this because I think I come from the side of the family, but I have been involved with, in my years at Hazelden, the children’s and the family side what I’m passionate about both. I love the combination of the two of you kind of meeting in the middle coming from both sides of that. I think that’s brilliant.
The thing that I’m curious about, you said the kids are elusive like my listeners are family members. So generally speaking, the people that tune into the podcast or people who love someone with the disease. First thing I’d like to touch on, and maybe Lindsey, you could start with this, there’s a lot of reticence to talk to children about this disease in our family. There’s fear of many reasons of bringing that subject. And there’s a lot of assumption that kids don’t know. So, I wonder if you could touch on that for our parents out there who are wondering. Our partners, our grandparents, because I hear it from all different generations like, oh, they’re still so young, you know, so what do you say to that?
Lindsey 05:32
Absolutely. And I know that just like you were saying, Margaret, it comes from fear, it comes from this love actually, of wanting to protect kids to shelter kids to really want to preserve their innocence and their childhood. So, it often comes from a very pure place. But what we found is that, although the intention behind it might be good, that the intent, what happens to kids is not so great, where they get left in the dark, they get left behind.
One of the things I bring up a lot is that kids definitely don’t see the use, they don’t know everything, they’re not seeing their parent drink or use in front of them, or their loved one. But what they are seeing is the family, you know, tension, the fighting, the separation. They know when someone’s not feeling well, when they’re depressed or struggling with other things, anxiety, all the things that come along with addiction. So, kids are definitely experiencing all the same things in the family, they just aren’t understanding why.
And what can lead to some hard stuff for kids is that they have to tell that story themselves of well, maybe it’s because I’m not good enough, maybe I got bad grades, and mom got mad. And then her and dad got in a big fight that night, and they think it’s their fault.
So, it’s important to give kids some basic information. And what we found is that it doesn’t lead to them feeling worse, that leads to them feeling better. Okay, now I understand what’s happening. I understand why it’s happening, we can talk about this, I can get the story straight, so that I know it’s not my fault. I have words to discuss this, to talk about my feelings and my experience and ask questions. And they come through the Children’s Program will say like, I thought that it was my fault. I’m mad that no one trusted me to tell me what’s going on. I felt like everyone was lying to me. And then they do find out about it either way. Would you rather them find out somehow or would you rather them kind of have information that you can give them.
So, there’s, there’s a million different reasons to talk to them. But they just deserve to know it, we know that talking to them about it doesn’t make them more likely to use, it actually decreases their likelihood of following in those footsteps. So, it’s really about prevention, too.
And the other thing we talk about to is sharing your recovery. For those who do have family members in recovery, that’s something to be proud of, something to share, something to explain. Kids are so excited when they find out about what’s going on. And they can talk about it. Like I’m so happy that my mom’s in recovery, because she’s different. And I see it and now I understand why. And I’m proud of her when she said she’s going to a meeting, I’m proud of her when she’s going to therapy, I’m not, you know, mad that she’s gone again.
So, there’s a lot of different reasons that people feel like they don’t want to share that with their kiddos. And there’s a lot of resources out there and support for helping those people learn to kind of talk about it, and language, but kids really do deserve to be let in on what’s going on in the family because they’re being a part of it and just not knowing all the details.
Margaret 08:30
Thank you for that. I think that’s really important for families to hear. I think the other piece that you said was really powerful to hear with the children feel angry or discounted because they’re not told or lied to, or not trusted. Those are powerful messages for children to not have a chance to work through.
Lindsay 08:50
Absolutely. And that’s what it’s doing. It’s not giving them a chance to work through it and process it. It’s just keeping them from doing that. Even though people feel like they’re preserving that childhood in that innocence. Kids are allowed to be kids a lot quicker when they kind of know what’s happening. It’s like a weight lifted off their shoulders. In a lot of ways, they can access that fun side a lot faster, and they’re not carrying all those things.
Margaret 09:14
Absolutely. I’ve heard many times from parents. Well, my teenagers so self-absorbed they don’t even know what’s going on. They’re so wrapped up in themselves. It’s all about them. They don’t really know, how’s this affecting them. And to the point that Lindsey brings up, I don’t want them getting ideas. If I’m honest about my use, what are they going to think is okay to do. So, can you unpack that a little for families?
Jessica 09:36
Yeah, yeah. I think everything that Lindsey said I think about kids, parents feel. I think both that and that very important piece of like, I don’t want them getting ideas or they have their own things going on. And they do and I think kids too, you know, again, when they’re not told about it when they’re younger, they carry that trying to fill in the gaps as they enter into that mid teen to later teen adolescence and filling in the gaps at a really, really vital stage of their development. Really, really important. They’re trying to figure out who they are, how do they fit in this world.
If they don’t know how to fit in their family, that’s even more of a leap to help figuring out how they fit in this world. And so, they pick up on things over time to try and fill in those gaps. And even more so as they start exploring who they are and where they fit.
And I think normal development a teenager doesn’t want to be like are really associated with their parents to some extent. At the same time, I think that becomes that easy excuse of like, well, they’re self-absorbed, or they’re up in their own thing. And it’s uncomfortable, to learn how to have these conversations, it’s uncomfortable for parents to have vulnerable conversations around where, you know, the imperfections are in their family.
And, you know, how do you work through that with them? And I think as parents they were wanting to, maybe this is just me, but also with families that I work with, if I want to come and have all the answers, and what if I don’t? What if I don’t have them for my teenager? And what if I don’t know how to tell them how we are working on this.
The biggest thing I tell families is really get uncomfortable with talking about uncomfortable feelings. And the more you can do that, and demonstrate that it’s okay, as a parent, your kids will follow suit, no matter what age they are. And I think if you can do that, again, with teenagers, which I think as Lindsey said, it comes from that place of love. I think as parents of teenagers, I think sometimes it comes from that place of fear. What if I don’t do it, right?
11:36
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12:38
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Margaret 12:50
So, when it comes to that concept of getting comfortable talking about uncomfortable things, let’s realistically paint the picture of the participants in your program.
My assumption, and please clarify, is that adolescents who come to this part of the program are probably introduced to it because they have a family member in treatment, recently graduated treatment, working on their continuing care and they want badly for their teenager to have resources.
We know in the disease of addiction, talking about uncomfortable feelings, let alone feeling uncomfortable feelings is a pretty high-risk behavior. Because we don’t know how to do that sober, or we medicate around it because it’s so uncomfortable.
So, then you’ve got families that are vulnerable, because it’s new. And it’s scary. And it’s tenuous because it’s a new recovery process. So, what is the asset to have in the kids do this work?
Like, do the parents get fearful or grandparents get concerned that oh, my gosh, now I’m going to have to deal with stuff I don’t want to. And so, they’re going to come home? And they’re going to be talking about it? Or is it more the opposite? That you give them words and language that makes it easier to bridge that conversation? So, what’s your sense of that?
Lindsey 14:09
I think we’re still not fully marketing to the outside world as much as we hope to. So, it’s been a lot of internal kind of people who would have adults in treatment or older siblings. Our last group, but it was almost all older siblings, which was really interesting.
Margaret: That’s really interesting.
Lindsey: Yeah. And so, I think it’s the caregivers that sign them up, are wanting them to have the education, the experience kind of just a place to go. And I don’t know how much they are worrying about them coming back and having that conversation. But I think there’s some sense of like, it’s a starting place, to start to talk about it.
And that’s one of the things that Jessica and I talked about when kind of coming up with the curriculum was empowering the adolescents to feel as though they can have conversations with safe adults.
And that’s most likely someone who signed them up but not always. But encouraging them to have boundaries to be able to talk about things. So, we’re definitely hoping it’s the latter, that they’re going to go and talk about things and open up and share and kind of continue this family healing as though every piece of the family that needs to heal in order to move forward and a lot of ways, as we know, it’s not just the addicted person that it needs to have some of that experience. And so, yeah, I don’t know what you would add Jessica.
Jessica 15:38
I agree. I think it’s a lot of internal referrals. We talked about it in our family program, and certainly patients and families know about it. And I think because they’re signing them up, I think there’s that hope that they’ll learn. There are a lot of parents that sign their kids up or guardian to come, or they come with them. And I think, you know, even in maybe my past experiences and working with adolescents in therapy, and in treatment. I haven’t, at least not that I’ve seen, I haven’t always seen or really ever seen that worry of like, oh, no, what are you going to tell them? That hesitancy from, you know, their kids not wanting to participate? Or not wanting to say something?
So, I mean, I definitely always think about that. Anytime there’s that power differential, or parents being on the sidelines of what are they going to say there. But I haven’t seen it be something that becomes a barrier, so to speak.
Margaret 16:36
I wonder if that’s the age change between Children’s Program versus adolescents that there’s a little more autonomy, because they’re already hearing things in school, they’re already on social media. So maybe it’s better that I go to a place that I trust to give them accurate information. And that’s less intimidating than not doing something.
Jessica 16:54
Right. Right. And I think the structure is in place, a lot of times their parents have seen at least me in the Virtual Family Program, or if they have younger siblings potentially seen Lindsey as well. And I offer in the email, as I say, as parents are welcome to always reach out to us. So, I always keep that line of communication open other than being present there, we asked that they reserved that space for their kids.
Margaret: Sure
Jessica: For those that are attending. But outside of that, I’m like, you can ask us anything, you’re more than welcome to do that.
Margaret 17:25
It is a family disease. So, it’s so wonderful to hear of this wrapping around, right. Like there’s not only the person getting help, hopefully, in their recovery as the identified person who has the disease, but there’s also services for every other aspect of the family. It’s truly wonderful, because that’s something that’s sorely lacking. For many people.
Jessica: Yeah.
Margaret: So, you mentioned the curriculum. Tell us about your curriculum. Tell us first of all, the age of people who can come. Who it’s open to? Costs. Curriculum, what you cover? Anything you want to share.
Jessica: Yeah.
Margaret: Now you can get out to the public. So, what would you like to say about the Adolescent Program?
Jessica 18:06
Yes, the program itself, like all of our basic family programs is free. It’s at no cost. And they can sign up as many times as they want. There’s never a limit to that. And it’s the last Tuesday of every month. So right now, it’s just once a month. And the only reason we have it capped is because any more than 20, could be a lot, but we haven’t had that yet.
Margaret 18:28
So, let me interpret that for someone listening who may not know that. So, when you have an adolescent virtual, which is held on the last Tuesday of the month.
They go on to Hazelden Betty Ford organization, and they go to Family Program and comes down to Adolescent.
Jessica: Yes,
Margaret: Program?
Jessica 18:48
Yeah, good clarification. Yep. It’s listed in our Family Programs there. And it does say 2-hour program. So, it’s only two hours in the evening. So, it starts at five o’clock in the Pacific end of time zones.
And so, we’ve taken really similar. Lindsey and I talked a lot about this, how do we maintain that same, roughly that same language throughout all of our programs so that no matter who is attending within that family system, they can come back to the table and talk about these things? Because again, we encourage that. Talk about this share what you learn, provide your insights. And so how do we provide somewhat similar words throughout, as well as the same education around substance use disorders.
There’s these great and these are open to the public too, so parents can go in and watch them. There’s these great three and a half, five minute videos about substance use disorders on just five.org/hbf They’re just great. They’re just short and sweet. You have a really good picture about substance use.
So, we watch one of those videos in there. And then we talk about, again, family roles. What does that look like? And we try really hard every week we meet to talk about is this how is this helpful for them? You know, how can we always make it better throughout. So, with this age group, we try to say what would these family roles look like for you? How do you cover up for your sibling or your parent? And how can you not trust others then because of the situation you’ve been in? And do you struggle with social situations, so try to really help them picture what these family roles look like in terms of behavior, and interaction in their family system.
And then really, the opposite of that is how do you begin to set boundaries? How do you learn to trust? How do you talk about your feelings with your family and not say, I’m fine, you know, in order to not put more pressure on your parents or your other parent or guardian. And, again, self-care, that’s kind of how we end is, what can you do going from here and reminding them and Lindsey always ends with this hope that you share more about it, but just reminding them, they’re not alone. They’re not alone. It’s not their fault.
Lindsey 20:49
Yeah, we were pretty intentional about starting the group about learning about the disease and their loved one, and then kind of moving into them, because it really is more about their own recovery process. They can’t really control anything that their person that they love does.
So, we definitely end with kind of some things to remembers, you know, part of the group format is that they’re not alone, there’s tons of other kids their age that are going through the same thing, hearing each other stories is so powerful.
So, we wanted to create a lot of opportunities for them to share about their thoughts, their feelings, and their experiences. And that has also helped us can I learn more about this isn’t the set curriculum necessarily, we’re trying to tweak it and learn more about what they need, what they hear, what we hear them sharing.
We’ve recently experienced a lot of that triangulation hearing about how older teens, which doesn’t happen as much with the little kids that I’m used to working with that, feel that triangulation between the person they love, and then the other family members, because they are privy to more information and kind of feel like they have to keep secrets more or loyalty and you know, just that family dysfunction, they experience a lot more of it directly than I think some of the kids I work with.
So, it’s been a really great learning process for us as well. But there’s a lot of great resources. Really trying to help them focus on their own self-care, like Jessica said, the boundaries thing is really hard, because we also acknowledge that most of them lives with their family, they can’t really like move out and set their own boundaries, they have to live within the family system still. And it’s a little harder to do when you don’t have control over your situation as much.
So, try to acknowledge that for them too. And just give them space to talk.
Margaret 22:34
And I would assume, again, maybe incorrectly, that some of it would be acknowledging within their age group. And their circumstances like you just shared, they don’t have a lot of power to move out or to live independent or to even possibly get themselves to and from things. So, I would assume some of the boundaries you’re talking about. Are safety. Safe adults, not getting in vehicles, using that cell phone. That type of thing. Is that coming up for the teenagers?
Jessica 23:09
Yeah, and I think learning how to not cover up how it is they’re feeling. That’s probably the biggest thing I heard most recently, they had a lot of really good, just experiences that they shared, you know, generally around, like, I feel like I have to be light. There’s a lot of darkness going on. I feel like you know, when there’s fighting going on, I just shut the door. I just escape from it. And make sure that I don’t get bad grades. Right, make sure that everything is safe.
And I know like the teens to, I think see a lot like Lindsey just said they see a lot more. And we’ve had teen say like, I found my sister overdosed and passed out. And I know that, that’s a lot of pain and trauma that they’re experiencing through this as well, which can cause more isolation, and more fear, and more pain of not wanting to mess things up for their family.
And I think that’s how, as Lindsey was sharing about kids, like, did I do something wrong? I think it turns into even deeper for kids like I have to be successful in order not to mess things up. That’s what that story turns into for them a little bit, I think.
Lindsey 24:19
I think the other side of that coin too, is feeling very, like kind of less important than other people in their family. Whether it’s their parent struggling or their other sibling struggling just feeling like they don’t get a lot of acknowledgement or attention and like they don’t matter. That’s one of the biggest things I think we’ve heard. It’s either I don’t matter, or my value is making everybody happy.
Where we have that family role discussion it’s a lot about like, you don’t have to play that role. You don’t have to do that. That is not your job and your family. So, sort of emotional boundary talk which is very hard for anyone to understand and to practice but what a gift learning it at a much underage then you know, in therapy in your 20s and 30s.
Like I always say like it’s such a nice thing to start practicing at their age because it doesn’t come in handy no matter what your life experiences but just, I think it’s relieving for some just to hear like, you matter. This is not your only worth and you know, you don’t have to play that role if you don’t want to.
Jessica: uh-huh
Outro: I am so thrilled that Hazel and Betty Ford Foundation is offering a resource for adolescents to learn a common language that their loved ones are learning when they seek treatment for the disease of addiction.
Jessica and Lindsey will return next week continuing to share resources, challenges, and information around the adolescent population impacted by substance use disorder in their family.
Margaret 26:15
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website,
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
