Today I have the honor of introducing you to Lydia!
Lydia is a warrior woman with a deep faith who has journeyed through years of transitions as her husband Randy battled his disease of addiction.
Randy and Lydia met as Freshmen at Baylor University, and then life took twists and turns, Lydia bravely shares.
You may hear Randy’s voice in the background; he also recorded a podcast!
Randy has written his memoir – more to come about the book as we hear Lydia’s story.
Meet Lydia Grimes.
See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast, a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now, here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:24
Welcome back. Today I have the honor to introduce you to Lydia. She is a warrior, a woman with a deep faith who held on through years of her husband’s battle with addiction. I remember how hard it was to be brave enough to enter the rooms of a 12-step meeting. Try being a professional football player, or his wife. Meet Lydia!
00:51
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:00
We have our drinks so we can wet our whistle and be ready to chat. So, Miss Lydia, welcome and thank you for being willing to do the podcast. I am so honored to have you with me.
Lydia 01:13
Thank you so much for having me.
Margaret 01:15
You’re welcome. I want you to take a moment and introduce yourself. What I always ask people when they come on the podcast is who’s your qualifier? Meaning who in your life has the disease that got you to have to look at your own recovery with this illness?
Lydia 01:33
Well, my husband Randy, he suffered from a pill addiction for many, many years. And he’s my qualifier. He’s the one that taken care of and, and yes, finally sought, my own recovery.
Margaret 01:50
And I appreciate you saying finally, and I hope nobody ever says that with any kind of shame or embarrassment, because I do believe the journey for family members is usually delayed by the required priority, we feel to help the person we love who’s suffering in front of us.
Lydia: That’s true.
Margaret: The story has been a long one, but I’m so excited for myself to hear it but also for our audience to hear it. So where would you like to start?
Lydia 02:13
We met in college. He and I were both from Texas. He’s from East Texas. Tyler, Texas. I’m from Houston. And he went to Baylor on a football scholarship. I went to Baylor my dad, it’s a Baptist School. My dad’s a Southern Baptist preacher, and he also went there. So, I ended up there. You know, raising a wonderful family. Just you know, my parents, wonderful, faithful, loyal, and love the Lord. You know, we were at church all the time, and have two older brothers so you know, I had a great childhood and met Randy the first day,
Margaret 02:55
The first day of college?
Lydia 02:59
Yeah, big, tall. You know, the slow East Texas twang and his Wranglers. So yeah, I was smitten the very first day I was there. He had already been there for you know, football practice. And I met some people from Tyler, and they were all together. And I met him, and we pretty much started dating right away. We were off and on again. You know, freshman year.
Margaret: Sure.
Lydia: But by our sophomore year, you know, we were a couple and got engaged after our sophomore year and married after junior year. I know. Who knows why!
Margaret: Nothing slow, huh?
Lydia 03:35
(laughter) We dated three years.
Margaret 03:37
Can we back up a minute, I want to picture two things strike me first of all the family. You describe your background, obviously, based in your father’s being a Southern Baptist preacher. Church faith, very important to you. Was there addiction in the family of origin anywhere? Was there any history of it in your life?
Lydia 04:00
Not in mine.
Margaret 04:01
Okay. So you went to school to Baylor, and as you describe Randy, I love it. I’m hoping the audience caught that. Freshman first day. And you see him, and you said big, tall strapping in his Wranglers, like that’s seared in your brain. That first sight of him.
Lydia: (laughter) Yeah,
Margaret: That’s great.
Lydia 04:18
Yeah, he was, you know, a cutey. And he was cool. You know, it was 1979. So, it was a long time ago.
Margaret 04:29
You so you’ve been together since, married since junior year.
Lydia 04:36
We got married in May of ‘82. So, it’s about severe big 40. I can’t believe.
Margaret: Congratulations. That’s wonderful.
Lydia: Well, thank you.
Margaret 04:45
As we’ll go through the story, I’m sure the disease tested the marriage in many ways as it does, in all relationships. So, to not only be near 40 years as a couple of not facing addiction but some of the other complications that you’re I’m sure going to share about with his profession, with addiction, with whatever other aspects or parts of your story. What a testimony to the two of you to have made it through those years.
Lydia: It is a miracle.
Margaret: Yeah,
Lydia: Really is.
Margaret: So, you get married very, very much in college. And so, at campus, were married.
Lydia: Oh, yeah,
Margaret: Living there.
Lydia 05:23
We lived in like, a little duplex, half a house, you know. And little one bedroom. It was, we had no money, we’re not from money. And so, we just made it, you know, everybody would send their canned goods. And we had old used furniture, the whole thing, but it was so fun looking back, you know, the best memories.
Margaret 05:47
Simple.
Lydia 05:48
Yeah I was student teaching. And he was, you know, senior year of football, which led to, you know, I was just going to be elementary ed, and he was going to be a coach. And so, you know, PE and that’s what we were going to do when we left college. His senior year, the scouts started coming around, you know, never drain that he would be drafted. You know, they were there to really look at other players. That’s what he always says they were looking at everybody else. But he did well, his senior year and caught their eye, and he went in the draft. That spring. He went in the second round. He was the 45th player taking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Margaret: Okay.
Lydia: You know, we were so excited, didn’t really know what we were in for. But we just knew that we’re going to pack our little U-Haul and take off and go to Tampa Bay, Florida. So, it’s been quite a ride. But it was wonderful.
Margaret 06:54
So, in that ride, Lydia, you mentioned this was not the plan you two thought was coming, you know, coach and teacher, you went to school for education, and he went to school for coaching and football was a very much a part of his plan, but not in the professional sense. So, like a major turn of events, you’re not only relocating, but you’re relocating to a professional football career.
Lydia: Right?
Margaret: Do they prepare you for that? Like do the scouts or anyone involved? Say, Okay, here’s how life’s about to change.
Lydia 07:22
Oh, no, they don’t. You just and you know, the other players pretty much told us, you know, where to live, where to look for a place. We went to that section of, you know, Tampa, and got a little condo, which was exciting. I mean, we didn’t have any money. So, all the sudden we had a little bit. Of course, they didn’t make what they make now, it was nothing like today.
Margaret: Right.
Lydia: But that was a big change for us. And took off. And it was, you know, very easy to adjust as far as there was other wives. They were all real sweet. And players, you know, accepted us. And it was hard on Randy. I mean, he was trying to figure it all out. But as far as me, I missed my family but other than that, I had just found out I was pregnant. It was our one-year anniversary, and I was pregnant. So that kind of consumed me. And we went back in the offseason, and had a little girl, who just turned 38.
Margaret 08:31
Your firstborn is a little girl, do you have other children?
Lydia 08:35
And I have a son, he’s 33.
Margaret 08:39
Okay, so you have a newborn when he is playing. But what I hear is kind of interesting. And, you know, I’m not privy to the world of professional sports. But what’s interesting is what you describe with the wives welcoming you and being sweet and the players helping, it’s like you went into almost a built community and were invited in and shown the way. Similar to what we find in 12 step recovery when we enter those rooms.
Lydia 09:06
That’s true. That’s true. We all had something in common everyone was from all different places and colleges, and you know, it wasn’t hard.
Margaret 09:17
That’s good to hear. So, you get going. Randy’s playing, you have this beautiful little girl, and you’re raising her or she’s still pretty little, I’m sure. How does the game continue for Randy, is he actively playing? Is that going well for him?
Lydia 09:33
Yes, he I think the first year he didn’t start but after that he started at center. He was doing well. He did great. I mean, I don’t think the Buccaneers were winning back in the day. You know, he was there for 10 years, and like five head coaches.
Margaret: Wow.
Lydia: So, it was a revolving door. Lots of new staff would come in new players would come in with that new coach, you know, Randy did great. He started getting some injuries and they would offer those pills. You know, that was something they did not because you were hurt just after a game on the airplane, they would go down the aisle and hand people, pills for sleeping.
Margaret: You’re kidding.
Lydia: Pills for pain.
Margaret: You’re kidding!
Lydia: No, and a beer. So, they would give you two pills.
Margaret 10:27
Hold on Lydia. They’re getting off of a game. They’ve traveled, they get back on the plane. And somebody would provide medication. And obviously a beer or whatever they’re drinking on the plane, whether they’re injured or not. This is just here, have this.
Lydia 10:47
Just go by and say do you want? Do you want these pain pills? Do you want something to sleep? And they would hand it to em. And so Randy, of course, took it. They were all beat up. Most of them did take it. But then they’d drink, you know, as much as they wanted. And they’d be you know, tired. Now after home game. He would, they would give him a little envelope. And he as they walked out the door. And then they had their little envelope with pills in it. Now he didn’t take the beer. I mean, there’d be people waiting out there to see, you know, the fans and things at the locker.
Margaret: Sure.
Lydia: But he didn’t take the beer because I didn’t want him to bring it home. You know, it was kind of like a rule in her house. But he, you know, started taking those pills. And he liked it. Of course, he didn’t have an off switch. He started learning that he could ask, hey, you know, take your pills to the guy next to him. And I’ll take them. And then it goes to this guy. And he just started collecting. There were a couple other guys with him that they would get everybody’s pills. So, he started on like a sleeping pill that back in the day. I don’t think they even have any more called Halcyon, really strong. Knock him out. He’d wake up the next day, though, wasn’t groggy, he was fine.
But honestly, when he started taking so many pills, you know, coming home in the evenings, you know, it was hot in Tampa mean this isn’t an excuse, but I saw him as exhausted. Been in the heat all day. He’d been practicing. He was tired. He was beat up and to see him lay down on the couch, I didn’t really question it
Margaret: Right
Lydia: Because it was just at night. It I guess he became like a functioning addict. Slowly, it got to be more and more. In the offseason, when we go home. I started realizing that there’s a doctor in our little town that was, you know, I had to get talked to one time or several times. I realized there’s a pharmacist, he keeps going to you know, things showed up.
Margaret 13:09
what you’re describing there. I’d like to like to dive into if you’re willing. And I don’t know if this is too far ahead. So, we can wait if it is but two things. First thing was I didn’t like the alcohol at home, there was a rule. Was that true that you felt like alcohol in the home? Bringing the beer home?
Lydia 13:26
Right? And I mean, a lot of people can handle that. And I don’t, I’m not judging, please don’t feel that way. That was just something that we were raised.
Margaret: Right
Lydia: We were both raised Baptist, and there was not alcohol in the home. And that’s just a conviction that we have and were raised with. And yes, he drank when he went fishing or hunting or, you know.
Margaret 13:53
But the policy or boundary you established from your belief systems and how you were both raised was alcohol was not a part of our home life.
Lydia: Right.
Margaret: And that was adhered to, at least up until this point. And did that continue to be adhered to? Was he able to keep that out of the home?
Lydia: Yes.
Margaret: Okay. So, alcohol
Lydia 14:13
Because really alcohol wasn’t? Yeah, he loved to drink, but it was not a problem. He could stop.
14:21
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 14:24
Thank you for being a loyal listener. Thank you. If you’re new, come back and hear more from my wonderful guests. Or check out some of my older podcasts. We have experience, strength and hope offered on this platform from people such as partners, parents, siblings, children of family members who have the disease of addiction. If you’re inclined and we’d like to help this grow and reach more people who live in the family disease of addiction. Go to Apple Podcast and write a review that changes the algorithms and helps this be shared more freely, with more people, I don’t get the algorithms, but I know I need them. So, if you’d be willing, I’d really appreciate your support in this way. Thank you so much. And let’s keep growing together.
15:11
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Margaret 15:23
Margaret: And then the second thing you just mentioned that I think is really powerful for, for what I know to be the story for many family members and significant others parents in particular. Is starting to learn and see the access points, and then trying to intervene there to control our loved ones used. In you mentioned I got wind of a doctor who was giving medication. And I had to speak to them. Can you tell us about that process? Like when you decided to make that step to speak to them and how it went? What did you say?
Lydia 15:59
Well, it took me a while, of course he was denying and it’s not too much. I’m not getting you know, more than I should, getting more on the side. But I saw it. I could see, you know what, what was happening to him in the evenings. I knew that this wasn’t right, you’re taking too much. So, I finally I mean, it took me a while. Because of course, I was a crazy one, right. And I went in, you know, made an appointment, tried to talk to the doctor, but it didn’t help. It didn’t. No one was listening because he was the football player, everybody, you know, wanted to help him out.
Margaret 16:39
That’s fascinating because I think of someone who’s not in a relationship with someone who’s a famous football player or a known football player. I don’t assume to know how famous he was. But in his little town, I’m sure he was huge because of that. It’s hard enough as a partner of a non-recognized person for whatever their sport or their fame. But it’s amazing to me that you were dismissed out of hand. So, I’m curious how the conversation went that you were so easily dismissed by this doctor? What did you say? What did they say?
Lydia 17:13
Well, okay, of course, he showed like he was concerned. He’s, he didn’t just totally ignore me. But he never changed. He never did anything about it as far as the doctor. And that was back. You know, this is during Randy’s playing days, during the offseason. And during the season. He didn’t have to doctor shop but became a really close friend with a pharmacist.
Margaret: Sure.
Lydia: (laughter) Really close friend. So that that happened. And then you know, when he finally retired, he had had injury after injury, you know that pretty much. After 10 years, he had had an injury that 10th year and ended his career. So that’s when he took it into retired life. And that’s pretty much, he could handle it was still pretty much is functioning addict. I mean, he was able to hide it, control it. But I knew that it was more and more and more. It took him a while. As far as transitioning from being a football player. That’s all he had ever known.
Margaret 18:30
Yeah, I can’t imagine that transition.
Lydia 18:32
Since fourth grade. You know, high school, college, 10 years in the pros. And we were still young. Looking back now that I’m 60. Yes, we were very young. But to him 10 years was a long time and he had injuries and, and no other team was going to pick him up. But the transition and also his father had passed away. The greatest you know man ever his best friend. He was his own coach, you know, like they talked every day. I mean, he wasn’t a coach, but he talked to him. They talked about everything. And all of a sudden, he passed from cancer right before Randy’s last year. So not only was he dealing with grief, but the transition from football into the real world that he was not prepared for was more than either one of us knew how to handle it.
You know, I had children so, I was busy. We moved back to Houston. I was around my family. Of course, we had a big home, we had the big pool, we had the parties and you know we were getting into the suburban life. Where our kids are active in Little League and all the things that go with that. That’s what consumed me. But for about four years, he didn’t work, he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do with himself.
Margaret: Sure.
Lydia: And we were going through money. And finally, it was like you need a job, you need to figure out what you’re going to do with yourself, which he did start working. But it was nothing like football, you know, could never replace what he had had before. And it took him a long time to figure that out.
Margaret 20:30
As I imagined that it would anybody. You know, I know that if I was not working in the field, helping people in some capacity, which I have done since I was 19, I would have a very hard time adjusting. And that’s not even including what I assume, not having lived it, but what I assume must be also difficult as the admiration, the access to resources, in this case, his pills too. I mean, that was probably a huge transition. But the also the other side of it, you know, you’re held in esteem. I can only imagine in Texas, knowing what little I know about how big football is. He was a pretty well-loved respected person for his profession. So just That’s a tough transition. And I can’t imagine anyone would find that easy. It’s like retirement.
Lydia 21:24
And we see that all the time in athletes. Transitions hard, not just in athletes, you know, just people that retire, divorce, or veterans.
Margaret 21:37. Relocation too, I mean just moving.
Lydia: Relocation, it was hard, very hard.
Margaret: But yes, veterans, that would be another one.
Lydia 21:45 Without the uniform, you know,
Margaret: The identity of that.
Lydia: Transition is very hard. I think that we as Americans need help with that. And I’m sure you see that in your work all the time.
Margaret 21:59
I do. I think change in any capacity is difficult. I just think that there’s the assumption that I would feel is probably out there, around someone who’s in a professional athletic position with means, connections to then being a suburban house husband, that’s a big change.
Lydia 22:19
We didn’t prepare. You know, a lot of players nowadays, I think people are seeing the problem. And there’s people with the teams that help prepare them for jobs later, or schooling. That has gotten better. I will say, we do see that, that has gotten better as far as players being prepared for the real world. We didn’t prepare, we weren’t ready. He did get a job. And then the next year, you know, I went to work. And that was wonderful that I was ready, you know, just went into teaching. But I was blessed. I got to stay home for 15 years. And our little ones, you know, while they were babies, and so that was a blessing. My son just went to school with me. My daughter was in middle school when I started. So, you know, I worked for 20 years after that. But he struggled. He really did.
Margaret 23:25
Yeah. So, I’m curious to flip the story to more of your experience in this progression. I hear you were busy. You were taking care of the family, raising the kids and then got into work. You were also your Spidey sense, watching out and seeing these little connections. What was it like inside your head and your experience of seeing your husband struggle and progress in the illness that he had? How did you navigate that? Were you able to talk about it with people? Was it a secret? You know, what was it like for you?
Lydia 23:56
It was a secret.
Margaret: Okay,
Lydia: definitely. You know, I wore that mask that everything’s great. You know, you don’t want anyone to know that there’s a problem. Especially pills. You know, we’re a good Christian family. We were at church every Sunday, Sunday night, Wednesday night. How could I let anyone know that? And even when I would talk to my family would no one understood. Well, of course, he’s got aches and pains. Of course, he’s hurting. I should have reached out for help then. And I didn’t.
What happened? This was, you know, probably seven, eight years later after he retired. Is he got in with some people that introduced him to cocaine?
Margaret: Okay.
Lydia: And money started missing like crazy.
Margaret: Sure.
Lydia: And it wasn’t the sleeping kind of slurred out of it, man that I was married to. It was this crazy, you know, stay up all night, decorated the whole house for Christmas one time, you know. I woke up and everything was done. And he was just, it was bizarre. Of course, his nose was running, and I thought it was cats. You know just silly. You know, he had me. I admit so naive. He could lie and manipulate me, like you wouldn’t believe. But I never drink cocaine, right until he went into, you know, rage one night. And of course, I sought out help I got him to a hospital. Lots of incident started happening, where he couldn’t remember where he had been. He was dropped off at the house one day. His pants were wet up to his knees. I’m like, entering the front door, and there he is. Where’s your truck? He didn’t know. Someone had dropped him off. He couldn’t answer anything. We’re supposed to have a party that night for my daughter, and a birthday party. My brother for some reason went down this road. I believe that was God leading him there. And there’s his truck. halfway in the lake.
Margaret: Wow.
Lydia: You know, things like that started happening with the cocaine. There was a lot of different things that popped up. But I started seeking help, asking doctors that they’re like, you know, if he doesn’t want help, and he doesn’t admit there’s a problem, and he won’t go to treatment. We can’t make him. That was shocking to me.
Margaret: Sure.
Lydia: What?
Margaret: Sure
Lydia: Somebody help me.
Margaret 26:44
Was that your first line of looking for help the physician? Like did you go that route first?
Lydia 26:49
I did. Trying to talk to people when I, he went into a rage one night I got him to a hospital. They pretty much put us in a padded room kind of thing. You know, it’s a lock on the outside. They kept him overnight. But he charmed his way out. And basically, I got no help.
Margaret 27:13
but in that incident, did you say in front of Randy what you were experiencing? Or did you step aside with a doctor?
Lydia 27:20
I think I stepped aside and tried to talk to them away from Randy so he couldn’t, you know, try to say I wasn’t saying the truth. You know, in private. You try to talk to the doctors, you try to reason with them and tell them what’s going on. But you can’t get help unless they’re ready. And I kept trying to control that situation.
Margaret 27:45
Lydia closes out this episode with such a truth about this disease. How she tried to control Randy getting help when he wasn’t ready. The powerlessness of Al-Anon is first step. It’s so real. Come back next week to hear how Lydia and Randy’s story continues.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website:
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
