Meet Libby Cataldi, a mother, a school head in her children’s school, and an author whose eldest son is a recovering addict. Jeff’s addiction began while attending that school, and Libby attempted to find her feet in the “sandstorm” the disease created.
Libby wrote their story, ‘Stay Close’ with her son Jeff a part of every word. They still produce a weekly blog entitled ‘Thursday Meditations’ on her website, which you can subscribe to receive.
https://libbycataldi.com/blog/
And here is the link to learn more about Libby’s powerful book.
https://libbycataldi.com/books/
See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now, here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:25
Welcome back. Today I am thrilled to introduce you to Libby Cataldi, a mother, an educator, and the author of stay close a mother’s story of her son’s addiction. Libby wrote this beautiful book with her son apart of every word. Libby and Jeff together publish a weekly blog called Thursday’s Meditations found on Libby’s website called libbycataldi.com. The information to find more about this book and Libby’s website will be in the show notes below. Now, let’s get to Libby and hear more about the journey of addiction and recovery, and how the book came to be.
01:17
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret 01:33
I am so thrilled Libby; you are with us today and here to talk about your amazing book. Well, really, your story is amazing. I would love you to introduce yourself to our listeners. And as I always ask my guests, I say, how did you end up here? Who’s your identifier? You know, when who do you qualify through to get to the rooms of recovery for yourself as a mother. Who is that person in your life?
Libby 01:59
My person is my son, my firstborn son, who started with beer and marijuana is 13. And as he says, it started as party and ended as a sandstorm. And so, it started pretty. Normally, I thought ah he’s drinking, he’s smoking a little pot, what’s the big deal. So, I started in a place of naivety and ended in a place of desperation. He started in a place of a party and ended up in the end shooting heroin into his neck and into his groin. He has destroyed his veins and his arms, legs and feet. When he goes to the hospital. They put an IV into his neck. So, his journey was 14 years. It’s amazing he’s alive. It’s amazing he’s alive. And in that journey. And in that qualifying I’ve learned so much. But the whole family suffered. I have a younger son, he suffered, I suffered. My ex-husband, you know, was on Pluto through it all. And I was so angry. But the reality is he didn’t know what to do, either. There’s just so much that happens around addiction, you know?
Margaret 03:22
Absolutely. And I think you just summarized the progression of the illness for everyone in the family, not just the person who’s the identified patient. And one of the things that I found humbling and fascinating in your story is that you were not just his mother when he started. You were in a role of authority in his life, you willing to share that?
Libby 03:45
Yeah, I was the head of a school, head of an independent school. And both my sons were at the school. They started in kindergarten; I became the head when Jeff was going into fourth grade. And so, I was giving advice to all these parents about what, what to do with their children. And academically? Yeah, I have lots of experience in education. And the truth is, I’m a good educator. But being a good educator doesn’t mean that I saw and in addition to the fact since I was head, my pride got in the way. You know, I was considered a person in authority. And it became really sticky. I didn’t want to admit that Jeff was sick. People would tell me, a lot of the kids some of the kids would come to me. Always amazingly a girl would come and say Jeff asked me to buy him ketamine. Jeff asked me to do this. And I would pull him out of class, put him in the car because you know, they can’t get out of the car. And say to him, you know, Tonya told me you asked her to buy you ketamine. Ah, no, Mom, I’m such a good kid. You know, captain of the soccer team. I’m on National Honor Society, you know, what, what do I have to do for you? What more do I have to do to prove to you that I’m okay?
And I wind up apologizing? I’m so sorry. You’re right, you’re right. Everything’s okay. Meanwhile, everything was wrong, like big wrong. And then also, I was the head of the school for 17 years. So, a lot of the teachers I knew for 17 years. And I have to say some of the teachers were not happy that the whole thing happened. But I’ll give you an example. One time I was in the office with a bunch of parents. And one of my oldest friend teachers walks in, she crosses her arms and says to me, hmm Libby how’s Jeff, and the whole office got quiet. And I thought, wow. And I turned and walked away and went into my office and closed the door. And it was at that moment, I realized I didn’t have to answer. Nobody can make me answer. But it took me to what, 50 years old to learn that I didn’t have to answer every question that people lobbed at me. So being the head of the school, complicated things. And then my second son, Jeremy, was there as well. So, he knew a whole lot that was happening and didn’t want to tell me. So, it just, it may think sticky.
Meanwhile, I thought I was doing such a great job by being at the school because we went to school together every morning, we came home every night I was there I was present; how could you be more present?
Margaret 06:31
So, one of the things you speak up that I think is very universal with this illness is the stages we go through when we learn the truth. So, whether it be denial at first minimizing, feeling protective of our person, to in your situation, having that layer of authority, to discipline and run the school and deal with students who are going through similar things to Jeff and then finding it landing in your home, despite all those things that we put in place as parents to try to give the children the best chance possible. Active and this, support them in this be present, right? Somehow they’ll make it through and this disease won’t touch them.
Libby 07:15
I learned very quickly. Well, maybe over time that addiction doesn’t discriminate. And now I have a doctorate in education. My ex-husband has a master’s in business. We took the kids skiing, we did all this stuff. And it doesn’t stop anything. Addiction doesn’t discriminate for socio economic reasons, for educational reasons, for academic for nothing. If addiction comes to your door, it comes to your door. Bingo.
Margaret 07:48
And the other piece of that, it leads me to two thoughts. The first one is did you blame yourself?
Libby 07:53
Oh, sure. Yeah, I felt really guilty. I felt like I had to have done something wrong. I wasn’t there at the right time. Somehow, I missed it. I carry guilt for years, you know, and then I would go to Al-Anon meetings, and they would say I you know, it’s not your fault, right? You didn’t cause it; you can’t cure it. You can contribute to it. It took me forever, to finally get in my gut, that it wasn’t my fault. I mean, he was such a good kid. And you hear this from parents all the time. He was smart. He was kind, he was an athlete, he had good grades.
I mean, my son and I oftentimes will speak in events throughout the United States, and also in Italy. And when I go to meetings, when I go to AA meetings, or if I go to a hospital or Recovery Center, where I look out at these kids, and they’re gorgeous. The rooms are filled with these handsome, bright, beautiful people. And it’s hard to wrap your head around it, because these kids were high achieving. But there was something there, addiction.
Margaret 09:06
Do you think that that surprised you? Because of your stereotype of who an addict was that you came into this journey with?
Libby 09:15
Nah, I don’t think I had a stereotype about addiction. No, I think I just never thought it could hit us. I mean, it wasn’t in my family. And we lived in a rural county in Maryland. And this was early on, there wasn’t much out there about addiction. I mean, Jeff started with drugs when he was 13. So, this is in the late 90s 1990 2000s. There was very little on the internet about anything. There were very few books published. It wasn’t a huge concern. You know, it’s just like cancer. I wound up with a bilateral mastectomy. I wasn’t in denial by cancer either. I just never thought it was going to hit my door. So, I don’t think that we put up blinders so much before it happens. But we don’t know when as parents, we don’t know when there’s a cause for alarm. When is it that we say, oh my god, we’re in trouble?
Margaret 10:14
And when did that time come for you? How long down the journey?
Libby 10:19
Oh, yeah, a long time down the journey. He went to college; he went to Boston University. And midway through his sophomore year, he just was not doing well at all. He was dating this girl who called me and said, don’t you see, at that time it was ketamine, don’t you see the bruises all over his body. He’s shooting ketamine into himself all the time. And my ex-husband, Tim, who’s actually a really good guy. We pulled tuition and sent Jeff to Father Martin’s Ashley. And that was the beginning. But it didn’t end there went on for 14 years. So, it didn’t end until 10/12 years after that. There’s no quick fix with addiction.
Margaret 11:02
No, it’s a day by day journey. What did you know about ketamine when it landed in your home?
Libby 11:10
Nothing? Absolutely nothing. There was nothing on the internet at that time either. All I did when I did Google it, it was a tranquilizer for animals. And ketamine wasn’t in the news.
Now, it’s actually a psychedelic drug that they’re using for therapy. It’s unbelievable! I just wrote to my son this morning and said, we’ve come a long way. You know, this Gabor Mate who I respect tons in Canada, is into psychedelics for helping to heal trauma, and addictions.
No, when Jeff was in ketamine, I had no idea. You know, and thank God, there’s more research now, thank God, there’s more writing, thank God to all the parents out there who are writing books, to educate. Education is absolutely critical.
Margaret 12:00
As is hearing someone share their story and being able to relate to it and realize there’s a way out, there’s a way through, that you’re not alone.
Libby 12:10
That’s the thing to know that you’re not alone to know that there are a lot of people who are suffering just as you’re suffering, and that you can talk to somebody.
12:22
This podcast is made possible by listeners like you,
Margaret 12:25
It is amazing to me to think that I have gone from one listener to almost 5000 downloads of this podcast, that just blows my mind! And I’m so excited to see this expand and grow and reach more people. I am grateful for the feedback I’ve been receiving of people saying it has given them tremendous value and support on their journey of recovery as family members.
So, I’m calling out to all my listeners. And I’m saying let’s grow this some more. And in this being the second year of being in the business, my business embrace family recovery, I’d like to expand the content of the podcast.
So, if you have any ideas, interest areas, people you think would be fabulous guests, please send me an email. My email address is Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com. I would love to expand the guests to include other types of addictions, we’ve mainly focused on substance use disorder, chemical addictions, I’d like to get some behavioral addictions in there. Food, sex, gambling, gaming, whatever aspect of this illness has affected you as a family member, and how you found your way through the journey of the disease, in active behavior or use and into recovery.
So, if you fit that category, and you’re willing to share your story, you know by now if you’re listening that this is a conversation, a place where we just share. And that seems to be working as a way to offer people the chance to feel less isolated and know they’re not alone in this process. So please reach out to me with ideas. Being willing to be a guest.
Again, my email is Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com. And thank you for all your support. And let’s keep this growing and reaching more family members out there. Please share this podcast with anyone who has been touched by the disease of addiction. Thanks, and take care of you.
14:43
You’re listening to the Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. Can you relate to what you’re hearing? Never missed a show by hitting the subscribe button. Now back to the show.
Margaret 14:54
So, I can’t even imagine, though I can a little because different but similar when I found out about my partner’s addiction, I was a host of a television show in a small community. And it was sent to me through an anonymous letter. Like I was trying to sit on the secret, anyway possible. And I can only imagine as a mom of a student in your own school, as the head of the school, how hard it was to know who to reach out to, who to share with? That struggle between protect and fear of shame and stigma and judgment.
Libby 15:27
Shame, stigma, silence, secrets, it encases us and I talked to no one. I talked to no one as head of school, who was going to tell I didn’t want to tell parents, I couldn’t tell anyone. So no, no, I was like a vault. I kept it vaulted inside me. And you know what they say, you know, we’re only as sick as our secrets. It wasn’t until the very end, near the end of Jeff’s journey that he wound up with a great therapist, Dr. McAfee, Patrick McAfee in California, who’s a saint, who’s no longer with us, he passed. But he told me he said the only way to heal addiction is to take it out of the shadows. He says addiction does its best work in the shadows. But no, I didn’t want to talk about it. And also, my second son, Jeremy was humiliated by the whole thing he didn’t want anybody to know. I didn’t want anybody to know, we were already in the midst of a divorce. And I mean, how many problems do you have to put on top of each other? So, we put ourselves in that point, place of isolation, and in that isolation, it hurts.
Margaret 16:36
So didn’t tell anyone at school didn’t feel you could share with anyone. Did you feel you could go to an Al-Anon meeting or anything like that? Or was that difficult to navigate to?
Libby 16:49
Oh, yeah. Finally, Jeff was gone. He had graduated, Jeremy was, I don’t know what grade he was in, maybe 11? And I had heard about Al-Anon, but Al-Anon, I mean, this was in the late 90s. Al-Anon was not a big deal. But there was a woman in our county, and her husband was an alcoholic, and she was a big leader in this Al-Anon. So, I called her one day, she answered the phone and I said, Francine, you don’t know me, but. And I just cried. I just wept; she didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who she was. But I wept.
And finally, she said, I’ll meet you tonight at a 711 at seven o’clock, and we’re going to go to an Al-Anon meeting. So, I did. But I didn’t want to go in my county, because I didn’t want anybody in the county to know, I thought I might, you know, hit, hit up with some other parents or somebody who knows. So, we went to another county. And at that meeting, I kept my head in my lap the entire time. I didn’t even sit up to introduce myself. And at that meeting, in the basement of a church, there was not one parent who had a child who had problems. They were all people who are married to people, but that that’s how long ago was. And I thought, holy cow, what am I doing here? These people should just divorce this guy, like, I can’t divorce my son. What are they doing? Get rid of the guy. Nobody understands my pain. So, I wept after that. Francine said, okay, we’re trying not to go into another county. I didn’t keep my head in my lap at that one. I sat up, did not speak, I might have introduced myself. And again, they were all husbands and wives, and partners. And so, I was ready to quit, and Francine said, we’ll try one more. So, we went to a whole other County and that that meeting, there were three parents who had kids who were suffering. And I found my home meeting, I saw somebody who looked like me, somebody who was suffering with the same things, the same feelings of having a child who somehow you feel you’ve failed. And um, I kept going there, and that was my salvation.
Margaret: So, in everything you’ve done along this journey, Al-Anon was the piece that gave you something to hang on to through the process?
Libby: Absolutely. Without Al-Anon, I don’t know what would have happened, but it was my saving grace. It really was the place where I can share, where I could listen, where I could learn.
Margaret 19:33
Well, what’s beautiful about that, Libby is that you demonstrated to your child, though an adult at that point or close to, that you’re willing to keep going. You know, one of the things you hear from people with the disease of addiction is I went to the meeting all they did was complain, it was all worse than me. Nothing resonated. This is a waste of time. I don’t want to go and moan and groan about everything that’s wrong with my life. So, whenever a person who’s struggling to invest in their own recovery sees a family member not give up, though he may not have known that you went to three different counties, that’s such a strong message to send to your son, that I’ll find my place.
Libby 20:14
It is in retrospect, but at that time, no, he didn’t give a damn where I went. My second son, I kept trying to get him into Alateen. Well, that was a waste, he wasn’t going anywhere.
So, the best part of it was that it little by little, I was learning. And by me pursuing some kind of health, my reactions to my kids and to the situation, incrementally got a little bit better. So that was, the best thing is that it gave me some comfort. And that’s one of the things I think it’s so important for us as parents is to take care of ourselves. Because we don’t, we lose weight, we gain weight, we get sick, we don’t sleep, we’re up in the middle of night. And the worse I got the worse of a parent, I became, you know, and so for Jeremy, I wasn’t there for him at all. This is a second one. And he was confused. But I didn’t have enough bandwidth to do at all. I’m such an emotional person in the beginning. I mean, I just That’s My nature. So, we really need to take care of ourselves. Writing in my journal was a big help to me. Al-Anon was a great big help to me. I couldn’t find a therapist who knew much about addiction, but you really need a good one. If you go, I prayed a lot. I mean, I did anything I could do, to try to find, find my feet.
Margaret 21:48
It’s a great term. Because this disease is like a tsunami. Right? So, you get swept away with the insanity and your preoccupation with them goes through the roof, which really speaks to your bandwidth. How can you be on high alert with Jeff 24/7? even if he’s not in your face of worrying, wondering, checking, thinking, preoccupied, obsessing? How can you have the ability to be there for your other child, to do your career, Though, I’m sure you did. People might not have even known anything was going on with you.
Libby 22:19
And you do, you slather a smile on your face, and you go to work. But there are cracks. I mean, I thought I was such a good actress. I wasn’t, you know, it was pretty obvious. But we try, we try our best, we try our best to keep all those balls in the air. But the reality is, the person who takes the brunt of the pain is the parent. Because we still have to work, we still have to do our job, we still have to cook meals and take care of the family and clean and do all those other things. Meanwhile, there’s this constant disk flying in our head saying, errrerr, where is he? Where is he? And it’s impossible block that out. Cause you are afraid he’s going to die.
Margaret 23:09
Of course, you are. The fear that a parent feels a partner feels a child feels about a parent who’s using his universally the terrifying fear of loss, that this will get so bad that I won’t have them. And then second to that is all of the ugly consequences that come along, during the journey of their disease, the cleaning up or the not cleaning up or medical, legal, career, whatever the consequences, right? One crisis after the other. My analogy for that as a person in a military experience. I’ve never done it. But having seen a few movies and how I felt walking out of those movies, being in a military operation where you’re looking for the enemy, but you’re surrounded by your own people, and you don’t know who for sure is coming at you. That’s how I visualize this disease impacting a family member. Like you’re always on high alert, you’re always watching for the next trouble, the next crisis, the next thing to solve. You’re trying to figure out any way to reach them is like a unsustainable way of living over time you will be wore out you can’t stay in that place.
Libby 24:21
The only difference with it is when you’re fighting an enemy in a military situation. The enemy is really the enemy right? Here it’s your kid or your partner, whomever but I only had one story a child. And so, I blame myself a lot. If I were fighting an enemy, it would be someone other so I wouldn’t be scanning for risks for someone other. I’m scanning for risks for myself and him and this one, it’s so close. It’s so close. You can’t say well, I needed to kill this enemy because he’s a bad guy. No, you kind of want to kill addiction, but that’s a little harder but you want to protect your son although he’s the one who’s really inflicting the pain. So, it’s, I think, a stickier situation than that cause there’s no clear person I’m going to shoot the gun at. I want to shoot the gun at myself sometimes.
Margaret 25:24
Wow! Libby’s last statement shows the despair of a mother while navigating the sandstorm of her son’s active addiction so clearly. Libby will join us again next week to continue to share her experience strength and hope. She will share the powerful story of how she came to the title of her book stay close, and how it gave her a path forward.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website.
embracefamilyrrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you.
