Today is our final episode with Cameron, the courageous baby sister of Bryce, who tragically lost his life due to an accidental drug overdose.
Cameron shares about hitting a wall and becoming an “adult, part two.” She heals by speaking her truth, including being open about Bryce’s addiction and death.
A line that Cameron said was, “I neglected me, I don’t want you to neglect you, so let me help you. Cameron believes part of her life is to find ways to offer siblings of people with the disease of addiction more resources no matter where they are on their journey.
I know Cameron will be a part of making the google search for help with the loss of a sibling offer way more resources!
See full transcript below.
00:01
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast a place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now, here is your host, Margaret Swift Thompson.
Margaret 00:25
Welcome back, today is the final episode with Cameron, where she continues her story of sadly losing her brother Bryce, to this disease of addiction. Today, Cameron continues to share about her journey of grief, and the wall or bottom she hit, which led to becoming an adult “part two”. Cameron is so courageous to share her story. And you’ll learn today more about her passion to make a difference for siblings out there who lose their sibling and struggle with finding support for their grief journey. Let’s get back to Cameron.
01:07
The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast.
Margaret 01:20
How do we change this? I think that that’s something that really needs to be spoken to because if you look at just the sheer numbers of losses, whether it’s opiates or other addictions. There’s siblings walking around out there who don’t have a place where they feel they can go and get support. It’s a lot of people.
Cameron 01:41
It is a ton of people. And I think about even my own siblings, our different paths of grieving. I’m very vocal about it. With the people that I run with. I can talk about it; I will say anything that comes to my mind about losing my brother. I don’t know that it as common of a dialogue in either of their lives, sort of suppressed and tucked away as an event that happened, not ongoing. We are still suffering, the loss of our brother.
Margaret: Do they talk to you about the suffering?
Cameron: My sister certainly does. And it’s uncomfortable for her to an extent, she wouldn’t necessarily be as vulnerable with her emotions as I am.
Margaret 02:38
And obviously, we have to look at the fact that everybody navigates the journey of grief, which it is a journey. You know, I lost my mom in March. And it’s been humbling to know what I know, intellectually, my training with compassionate grief that I’ve been so privileged to do. Versus my own journey, where I can think of her, and I can have a memory. It happened two days ago; I was sitting in the kitchen cooking for heaven’s sakes. And I wanted so desperately to pick up the phone and call my mom. I was like, where did that come from? Like, I haven’t had that intense of a feeling since she passed. But here it is. And I accepted it. And I didn’t judge it. And I honored it. And I talked to people who I love, who I feel safe with to talk about how I feel.
And there is an acceptability to talk about that grief. I’m at an age where other people are losing their parents so I’m not alone in it. But I really hear your message Cameron It’s like, if we’re not able to talk about our sibling, if we can’t find other people who’ve either walked that path or been through not only the loss and the tragedy of the grief, but all of the stuff before when you’re in it. Whether you were estranged because you were so fed up to whether you were over involved and managing them and everything in between. That’s all still they are when they pass or whether they get well.
Cameron 04:07
It’s all still there. And for me at times, it’s pretty raw, there was some like affairs that needed to be taken care of. After he passed away and the pandemic hit, and I had suffered a pretty massive injury. I remember a good friend of mine, who’s a psychiatrist said to me, hey, I think we’ve hit that point. And I said, what point, and he said, I mean, I don’t know you want to like consider a little bit of meds to get you over this hump. And I said, like is they’re getting over it? He said, Listen, I’m not going to debate with you what you’re going through. But from what you’re telling me That’s not the Cameron and I know or knew. And I said, I’m not, I’m minus a huge piece of my heart. And he said, and somehow, we will go on.
And I definitely needed some medication for all the things that had happened. But I was open. And his advice to me is nothing that I wouldn’t give to a patient of mine, hey, you want to consider some medication? Like things aren’t getting any better or seems like really having a hard time leaving the house in the morning. It never took you three hours before to get up and get out. I’m worried about you. It was loving of him. And I’m not the kind of person you can give a lot of feedback or suggestions to all the time. So, you have to be the right person. And I knew it was time to do something.
Margaret 06:09
You did lot leading to that point, it sounds like. From your story that you’re sharing with me today, you may not be able to take a lot of feedback from people, but you picked a therapist who would call you on your stuff, you got a psychiatrist who you respect enough to be open with. You allowed someone in your life to share, I’m worried about you. So, you were being vulnerable enough with people. So, like, huge kudos to you that you didn’t just pull up those bootstraps, get back into work, dive into everything, but that you let some select people know the truth of where you’re at. Which is very hard for family members to do? The mask goes on, the work keeps going, we pretend everything’s fine. While we feel like we’re Nutter Butter inside. So somehow, somewhere along this path, maybe due to the fact that you have invested in your well-being mental health therapy, you were able to do that at the hardest time in your life.
Cameron 07:03
Yeah, when you and I spoke last week, I think I said I, I think I’m just starting the process of grieving. You know, when it was time for me to get off of the crazy train, and the crazy train had left and there was no more pieces left to even hop on. This merry go round or this train, all of my cortisol, and hormones probably were depleted. And I think I was forced to sit with myself and think like, what is life look like? What does this mean? Is he really gone? Did I screw up?
What would have been the, you know, pivotal point that would have changed things? And so, the answer to that is nothing. Those questions have not proven to be valuable.
I loved my brother; I hate what the addiction did to his life. I miss my brother. The only thing I wish would have been different is that I would have had more time with him. And that he would have come to a deeper level of understanding how our childhood and his childhood affected him. And that he was not well but could have gotten better.
Margaret: I wish that for him and your family also. What you also just described feels very typical, for lack of better word. When we’re on that path of being the caregiver, the fixer, the manager or the cleaner, and something changes drastically, whether in this case, the loss of him, and then all the nuts and bolts being finished around that tragedy, meaning, you know, whatever pieces or they get into treatment, and they start doing well.
Often, the family members then feel the need to get help in a different way. Because that preoccupation has changed form or stopped because they’re not there too. I mean, just look at the time. You are very busy person with your work your school, your personal life, right? You practice. All of that and had a full-time job of what’s he doing? Is he okay, what do I have to do?
Cameron: Every day?
Margaret: Right. You finished school. So that’s one big change. You stay very active in your career. That doesn’t change. And then when he passes there’s a huge gap of time. That was once full with him. Plus, the injury, you had no choice you had to stop, I’m assuming because of your injury.
Cameron: That was the actual step. I was forced to sit down and anybody who knows me before I was hurt. I had more energy than most people could tolerate being around. And most people would say, how do you do this. And then it was my leg, and I couldn’t drive, and I couldn’t walk, and I was sitting and then the pandemic hit. And, man, it was lonely, at times like gut wrenching sobs, almost the release. And then, you know what I call like, I became an adult, part two. And I wasn’t healthy. I was addicted to work. I was addicted to trying to be successful, trying to help other people, trying to do anything but deal with my life. And then I had no choice, I committed to this next level of work through it. Accept yourself as you are, it’s okay to sob. It’s okay to talk about your brother, it’s okay to have pictures up of your brother, it’s okay to say my brother died of an overdose and not care what other people say in return. Or don’t say.
This podcast is made possible by listeners like you.
Margaret 11:47
It is amazing to me to think that I have gone from one listener to almost 5000 downloads of this podcast, that just blows my mind! And I’m so excited to see this expand and grow and reach more people. I am grateful for the feedback I’ve been receiving of people saying it has given them tremendous value and support on their journey of recovery as family members.
So, I’m calling out to all my listeners. And I’m saying let’s grow this some more. And in this being the second year of being in the business, my business Embrace Family Recovery, I’d like to expand the content of the podcast.
So, if you have any ideas, interest areas, people you think would be fabulous guests, please send me an email. My email address is Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com.
I would love to expand the guests to include other types of addictions, we’ve mainly focused on substance use disorder, chemical addictions.
I’d like to get some behavioral addictions in their food, sex, gambling, gaming, whatever aspect of this illness has affected you as a family member, and how you found your way through the journey of the disease in active behavior or use and into recovery.
So, if you fit that category, and you’re willing to share your story, you know by now, if you’re listening that this is a conversation, a place where we just share. And that seems to be working as a way to offer people the chance to feel less isolated and know they’re not alone in this process.
So please reach out to me with ideas, being willing to be a guest. Again, my email is
Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com. And thank you for all your support. And let’s keep this growing and reaching more family members out there. Please share this podcast with anyone who has been touched by the disease of addiction. Thanks, and take care of you.
14:05
You’re listening to The Embrace Family Recovery Podcast. Can you relate to what you’re hearing? Never miss a show by hitting the subscribe button. Now back to the show.
Margaret
From the disease model standpoint, we parallel our experience to the person with the substance use disorder or behavioral addiction. As they get more ill we get what it takes a lot of consequences to often surrender oneself to being well.
I think the same is true on family. We won’t change because what works for us works for us. Until it’s no longer working.
So it feels like your culmination of those events was your bottom if you like from how do I balance all I know and those coping mechanisms that I’ve used that work really damn well in my career, but are not serving me as a human, with my well-being,
Cameron: I was at my bottom, couldn’t get out of bed, physically couldn’t leave my house.
Everything was supposed to be temporary. And I remember saying, I’m going to have a heart attack before I turn 40 if things keep going at this rate. If I keep going at this rate, and that’s not what I wanted to happen.
Margaret 15:44
So, what have you done different? You hit that bottom, you allowed people in, you sobbed, you felt the loneliness, you started in your mind, the grieving process and a different way. What’s different, the pandemic still happening?
Cameron 16:00
So, I have put myself first, I’ve learned to really check in with myself. I’ve learned to speak my truth. And for me, that’s a big deal. Some would argue I’m probably a little too opinionated at times, or bold with what I will say I don’t use big words, I just say what I say. And I’m pretty shameless about it. But I feel like I’m still working on developing what the newer version of me is. I’ve wanted to find a space create a space for siblings that have lost other siblings to addiction, and I’m not really sure that the cause of death matters, I would probably say that it’s more the age. So, you know, in life trajectory, if everything works out how it should, a parent shouldn’t ever bury their child. But at some point, you could say you could bury your sibling. In my mind, and I think in everyone else’s mind, it’s more tangible when you’re probably elderly, and you’ve lived a full life. So, if he had been sick with anything else, would I feel any different? The only thing that maybe would feel different is the stigma around addiction. But no, I mean, it’s a big loss like this is your sibling, they should be here with you through life.
And like, I just want to say to people, I get it. I’ve been the person who worries about the parent, who takes care of, you know, affairs, from the coroner’s office, to estates, to funerals, to this, I’ve been the person that checked in on the other siblings. And in all of that, like, I neglected me. But I don’t want you to neglect you. So let me help you. Because to be 40 and reestablishing me because I gave so much to him and couldn’t deal with it any differently at the time. You don’t need to be that.
Margaret: I don’t have any doubt that you will do something with this piece of your story to help others. I think today, you’ve done it in sharing it out loud on a platform that I hope other siblings will hear it. I think those out there whose loved ones are still with us with this disease will find it really painful to have to even consider this possibility, though in their minds probably do regularly. And I wish that people would seek support to even navigate that truth. That the powerlessness we feel when we love someone with this disease is so palatable. The life and death nature of this disease is real. And nothing is guaranteed.
I feel like we avoid grief. Because we fear that if we talk about it, express it be around someone in the throes of it. We’re inviting it into our world like we’re going to have it happen.
Cameron 19:29
Yes. And we don’t talk about it as a country well, and we don’t allow for people to grieve. If you look at majority of companies policy, you get three bereavement days, and then life goes on. And in three days, I would say I was still in shock,
Margaret 19:58
Of course you were and it fuels that dismissal of our own grieving process that we somehow should do it a certain way according to the standards that the society sets for us. Rather than be exactly where we are for the time it takes that we’re in that process. And then where it evolves to next, we go through that, too. There’s no time limit, there’s no cap, there’s no expectation, we all do it differently. So how can we expect three days as normal?
Cameron 20:28
Yeah, that like, that’s where my frustration would come in. My brain loves to pick apart a system and I’m not mad at my brother, I would still do anything for him. Maybe do things a little differently, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a sibling. And I think I just want to circle back quick, if there are people listening that have a sibling that’s alive and struggling with addiction, even in treatment centers, and the family component and the program, it’s super important. But it’s not necessarily centered on the actual sibling who’s watching their brother or sister deteriorate. It’s a system. And it’s more focused on the parent and or the person with the illness.
Margaret 21:22
When you go through a family program to get education? I agree, I’ve taught them for decades. I’ve been as diligent as I can, when I’ve had an I call it a privilege of the sibling showing up to that program, to invest in figuring out where they’re at, and what resources they need. And to allow them the space to talk about how tired they are of being forgotten. Or how resentful they are at the energy that is put towards this person. And what about us, or me. And how they feel guilty for even thinking that on some level.
Cameron 22:05
And expectations of another sibling to do whatever, whether it be a caretaker for children, babysitter, help financially, with whatever, you know, as you get older your parents’ age. So, their ability to do things might not be there, and their knowledge of addiction is not going to be necessarily the same as somebody that’s my age. Their opinions are pretty well formed by, you know, 60 or 70 years old and older.
Margaret 22:44
And I think one of the hardest pieces for me, is I may be damn good at my job. I don’t have the capacity to do that within my family. And in the same way. And as heart wrenching. That is when I see the sadness or the loss or the scary crap that’s coming down the pike. That’s why I’m so desperate to send the message that it’s important to have resources of support, even if it’s not a crisis at this point, whether it be individual therapy, whether it be a support community, therapist led group, Facebook, like even though that isn’t what you needed, that may be all someone can do. And that’s something and thank heavens, we have access to stuff that we didn’t know otherwise. Would I want more for them, of course? What I have to be careful of is when I go to a site like that I need to be there as a fellow not a professional.
And that gets triggered so damn fast for me, I’ll speak for me. That’s why again, I go back to I need my own community of recovery where I don’t do that crap. I need people in my life who say, hey, Margaret, you’re not a therapist here. You’re not a coach, here. You are you, shut up and be you. Takes a special person to get through to be on that level. But thankfully we have them in our life.
Cameron: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I do consider myself to be lucky. And I get what I need, from who I need it from. And I never found that on social media. Because it’s someone else’s journey, and not my responsibility to fix it. Although I want to walk with somebody, because I can feel that pain even through a post.
Margaret 24:31
So, I wish your family had been given or had, had the ability to participate in a family program to even get the base education, so that you weren’t having to be the one to teach or to try to teach. I wish that your brother had somehow been able to see through this insanity the disease created in his life to realize that he can have different and find a way there. He’s very fortunate to have had you in his world. He really is. I think of the people out there who end up homeless and lost because their family doesn’t know how to or what to or can’t even begin to find resources. He had opportunity. Thanks to you and your family, to gain support and help. And I’m really grateful that you don’t hold yourself responsible because I think sometimes that’s a big burden families carry, right. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. What did I do wrong? How come I couldn’t? And when we look at other illnesses back to my mom who had dementia. I watched her disappear in front of my face and couldn’t change that trajectory to save my life. Didn’t struggle with that being my fault, accepted it as the disease taking her didn’t like it. Freakin hated it. Because of the nature of the beast of this illness. It’s harder to do that.
Cameron: Yeah.
Margaret: There is a solution, there is a way to be not in the pain and misery of the illness. Come on, get it? You know, we want that for you.
Cameron: Absolutely.
Margaret: But somebody has to do it for themselves. We can’t do it for them.
Cameron: And I am so grateful that I had that knowledge. As much as I hated it. Because you know, we don’t like to really relinquish that kind of control. I don’t know what made you do what you did that day. And I certainly couldn’t have possibly been there with you every waking hour of every day. I struggle with this term, accidental overdose. But I guess if that was a term, that’s what it would be. There was something inside of him. And I know this to be true about my brother, because the sibling relationship and bond is, you know, he never thought this would be how his life ended. And he also had some very dark secrets and wasn’t ready.
Margaret: Then is it an accident?
Cameron: I swirl it around.
Margaret: Yeah. It’s kind of like looking for the Why. Do I think we have to, you know, do some time there and acknowledge absolutely the trauma and the pain of our childhoods or whatever aspect of our life, we have a need to heal from and grow through? The disease’s job is to get someone to use until die. And that’s the fight of the addict to not allow that to happen. One day at a time. And some days, why don’t I because it’d be a hell of a lot easier than this fight.
Cameron: Sure.
Margaret: But on the other side, that desire to live, that wanting relationship and connection and something different is in there too.
Cameron: And similarly, to the way the addict feels is how I felt as the sister and the, the caretaker. Some days I want to give up, this is your own journey. And I can’t fix it. I want my brother back. I want my relationship with you. I want our family to return to what was. And so, the message is, do what feels right for you. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong.
Margaret 29:05
And I love that you wouldn’t do different that you have that peace, if that’s a possible word to use with it right like that you have that acceptance and peace that you did what you did, and you’re okay with what you did. You just hate the outcome for your brother. I’m happy for you that you have that capacity. Because that’s a hard one to let go of. For many people. What would you want to leave the message? Is there anything I mean, I think you’ve said it so clearly?
Similar to what I teach, don’t do it alone. You know, find your peeps wherever that may be. Let other people come alongside you. I think your point of it doesn’t really matter, when you lose a sibling what the reason or how that happened. There may be nuances that benefits having someone who has been through in a similar way to you but the reality is the grief aspect and the loss of them is kind of universal?
Cameron: Absolutely.
Margaret: I’m really glad you chose to do this. I think this will help people.
Cameron: Me too, I hope to be able to continue to sort of reach out, I think I needed to not rush into any of that. It needed to come when I was ready. And thankfully, I fought a lot to be able to be at such a place where I can help others now, look at my life, be honest with myself, do the check ins, grieve when I need to, speak my truth. And I’m ready to share and to help. Because it’s a lonely journey. And there really is no other love that compares to a love that you have with your like, not just love, but the bond,
Margaret: the history, the experiences. Have you found that you’ve been able to laugh and thinking of him? Has that happened?
Cameron: I do. I laugh. I mean, I laugh about his laugh. Like,I actually hear it in my head all the time. Like, you know, I don’t find my sister to be as entertained by stupid things that he would have been entertained by. And so, then I’m like, you didn’t think it was funny? And sure, like, whatever, you know. And I’m like, he would have been laughing and then I hear his “huh huh”. And I smile. Yeah. Cheese Balls make me think of him. And you know, a lot of my work like working with kids just pouring into them so that, we hope, you don’t have to be 45 and struggling with addiction.
Margaret 31:55
I thank Cameron, so much for being willing to speak with a complete stranger and share this story for you out there to hear. Whether you’re a parent who’s understanding the dynamics and experience of a child of yours whose brother or sister has this disease, or you’re a sibling out there of someone fighting this disease or who has sadly lost their way.
Hopefully, you can glean some support from hearing Cameron’s story and consider resources for yourself that you’re so deserving of.
And yet I understand it’s really hard to find them. If you are out there listening and a sibling who wants more support, please email me at Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com
and I will connect you with Cameron who I know would be thrilled to spend time with you and support you to help you feel less alone like she did when this was her story in the early days.
I want to thank my guest for their courage and vulnerability and sharing parts of their story.
Please find resources on my website.
embracefamilyrecovery.com
This is Margaret Swift Thompson.
Until next time, please take care of you!
