Sponsorship is a tool that is invaluable for any recovery program. Sadly people on the family side of this disease often do not afford themselves this gift.
A person asked on my Facebook Page, Embrace Family Program, how do I get a sponsor?
They inspired the idea for this podcast!
While working at Hazelden Betty Ford with clients seeking recovery from a substance use disorder, many parents and partners struggled to engage in their recovery. They were so focused on their addict’s program. I understand this struggle, and I hope this podcast helps you consider how beneficial having a sponsor would be moving forward.
Sandy Swenson says it best:
“The hardest thing I have ever done is to acknowledge that I can’t control my son’s addiction recovery. But maybe the most important thing I’ve ever done is to let recovery begin with me”.
Let your recovery begin with you!
I am here to help. Please reach out via my email
Margaret@nullembracefamilyrecovery.com
See full transcript of episode below.
You’re listening The Embrace Family Podcast. A place for real conversations with people who love someone with the disease of addiction. Now here is your host Margaret swift Thompson
Intro: Welcome back today is going to be another solo episode. I was inspired to do this episode when someone asked a question on my Facebook Page entitled Embrace Family Recovery. Feel free to go there and enjoy the quotes, comment, ask questions, offer ideas for content for my podcast, anytime you want!
The embrace Family Recovery Podcast
Margaret: So, the question was how do you find and use a sponsor?
Sponsorship was one of the things that I resisted in early recovery.
My ego, my pride, my fear kept me from that gift for longer than I care to admit. What saved me was I had people in my life who were active in their own recovery who would give me feedback, offer me suggestions, share with me their story. They weren’t officially my sponsor, but they were people who helped me until I humbled myself to request someone to be my sponsor.
What is a sponsor?
A sponsor is like a mentor for those of you who have the business mindset. It is someone who’s further along in recovery than you are. Who is working a program and willing to walk through the steps of recovery with you and be there as a resource and support along your journey.
My observation of sponsorship is it’s utilized really well in many 12 step programs, unfortunately not as often as I would like it to be within Al-Anon. I wonder sometimes if that’s because of the concept of codependency and no I don’t like labels, but many of you are familiar with that term.
People in Al-Anon struggle to feel like they’re a burden. They may fear asking someone and that their calling them or working with them would be too much when they already live in the disease of addiction within their family. Some, it’s fear of vulnerability. Others it’s how does it work? I don’t know, wouldn’t know what to ask. What if they reject me?
A reminder here for you family members who have not got a sponsor. Would it be OK if your loved one who’s working their own 12 step program for their addiction chose not to get a sponsor? Would you find it hard knowing how vital that is to their recovery to just accept that?
If you answered yes in your head, then consider the benefit of role modeling your recovery out loud by engaging in the program and having the tools in your toolbox that you wish so much your loved one would have in theirs. Rather than telling them what to do it is absolutely more powerful to just live your program out loud using the tools that you want them to use, for yourself.
So, then people ask well how do you find a sponsor?
You go to the meetings; you sit in the rooms. You listen, you share, you notice whether there’s someone in the room who offers in their shares the things that feel valuable to you, that resonate with you, that make sense to you. That are areas of your recovery you question that maybe they have found a way through. And then it’s approaching them which is always intimidating but one of the things is as a person in recovery my sponsees give me so much that it is a valuable tool to me to work with people who are sponsees of mine. And if we believe that we’re all working this Al-Anon program we can let go of them saying yes when they really want to say no, cause that’s their work to do. And if they say no work really hard to not take it personally because maybe they have numerous sponsees and can’t add to that load. Maybe right now in their life it’s not a good time. Thery are still a part of your fellowship and I’m sure take a phone call from you if you ever wanted to ask or share with them.
Another tip is asking someone to be a temporary sponsor. This is a tool that helps in building the relationship on both sides. If you both agree to do temporary sponsorship, it’s an opportunity to get to know one another. To ask how they work the program.
And there might be some questions, you might want to ask someone if you’re thinking about having them be your sponsor. You might want to ask them if they have a sponsor? I know for me I want to work with someone who has a sponsor. I think that’s invaluable to help them stay healthy, which then helps them be there for me in the healthiest way possible.
You might want to ask them, what way did they work the program? Did they have a certain text they studied? How often did they work with their sponsor? How would they like to work with you? If you have things, you know you want help with, share that with the person to see if they’re willing to work with you through those things?
Ask them if meeting in person or phone calls are part of their work when the’re a sponsor.
I’ve been blessed with numerous sponsors and every single one of them gave me different gifts. I’ve had extremely rigid and directive. I’ve had very nurturing, and I’ve had people who have incredible lengths of recovery who taught me how to work a program. All of them are valuable.
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Sponsorship is a freewill relationship on both sides. I’ve had to fire a sponsor, and I’ve been fired by a sponsor. All humbling and part of the process. But when I was let go from one of my sponsors it’s because I wasn’t willing to use the program tools and stay abstinent in my food addiction program. And so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the food. That’s obviously something not working within that relationship on my part to utilize that tool, so I wasn’t a good fit, with that person. Did it did it sting? Yes. Was it another consequence of my disease that helped wake me up? Most definitely.
I think it’s really important to recognize that sponsors are not experts. They are other people working the program. As the Big Book says, ‘trudging the road to happy destiny’. We work together the ‘we’ of recovery is vital, because alone with this disease or this monkey I am susceptible to fix, manage, control or return to addictive behaviors. I don’t want that, and if me having a sponsor gives me an accountability and support system that helps me stay the course of recovery, it’s invaluable to me.
Another note about sponsorship that I think is important. As you work through the 12 steps the first three are challenging admitting our powerlessness, turning to a higher power, and then surrendering to the care of that higher power. But four through nine are what I call the growing up steps. They’re the work of inventories, diving into the harms done to me and the harms I did to others. And working my way through those steps and into making amends. And in my humble opinion, critical to not do that work alone, and having a sponsor to hold our hand and keep us moving through that work is a gift that I hope you give yourself.
If you’ve been listening to these episodes of the podcast which I hope you have, and if you haven’t they’re available on your favorite places to listen to podcasts or on my website embracefamilyrecovery.com
You probably have a sense of my personality; I was no picnic to sponsor. I was full of arrogance, thinking I knew how to do it and yet I had proven to myself over and over none of the tricks I had been using were working for me anymore. I didn’t like direction, I was reactive and so when I was told what to do my instinctive addictive personality, my rebellious nature was like uhuh.
But I want to share one example of where I believe my sponsor helped me so much.
So, in early recovery as a food addict newly abstinent I was raw, my numbing agent was gone. No I still ate but I wasn’t eating to the point of numbing myself and using food in that way. I was having a hard time within my marriage, my husband was getting on my nerves, and my sponsor would say to me, when you’re upset it’s because of you. What’s going on in you, and oh that would make me angry. Really what about him? What about his behavior? And she’d bring it back to me cause as we learn in Al-Anon we can’t change anyone but ourselves.
So, she heard this in my nightly tenth step on a regular basis and gave me a suggestion. She’s like here’s what I would suggest every time you want to go after your husband for some issue you perceive, I want you to call me, and I want you to tell me what’s going on. And after our discussion if you still want to talk to him go ahead. Well, I was furious. I am married to this man for years; I am a good communicator. I’m a therapist for heaven sakes and you want me to come to you like I’m some sort of child and talk something through with you before I go to my husband! Are you kidding me?
They very candidly said to me, I’m not your parent, I’m not your school principal I’m just another addict and I’m offering you the suggestion. You asked to be my sponsee and so I’m giving you my feedback. It’s up to you whether you do it or not. Well, that was a bit of a wakeup call. But what was more important was once my disease and monkey got out of the way, I started doing it. And I can honestly say today that she probably in her direction saved our marriage, because it was not about my husband. It was that early year of recovery when abstinent, where a person is so vulnerable and raw and feels a bit like porcupine, when someone rubs up against them the quills come out ’cause they’re resistant, and defensive, and raw and don’t know what to do with those feelings. Because when you put down some sort of mood-altering substance or some sort of addictive behavior. Your numbing agent, your coping skills which you’ve used, that to do aren’t there to work and so it’s how do I do life on lifes terms, and that takes time and practice. And she afforded me a beautiful opportunity to practice with her and work through some of that in realizing that I was just feeling extremely vulnerable, and reactive, and that’s part of early recovery. To be gentle with myself and more importantly gentle with my spouse, and the people I love.
So, I’m always having moments with sponsors and sponsees where I am given gifts that help me continue to grow in my recovery. And I’m grateful for that. And if I can teach you anything through my experience, don’t wait like I did and suffer alone. And grow some, I’m sure I did, but not to the point of I could have if I had been actively working with a sponsor. So, take a risk ask for someone to be a temporary sponsor and see if you can’t gain some benefits in your journey of recovery.
Until next time take care of you!
